Who I Am (13 page)

“I got this idea recently,” he begins explaining to me as soon as we sit down. “I'd been thinking about those kids in Mexico and praying that God would use me somehow to help them. And it occurred to me that I could organize some kind of fund-raiser at school. I talked to my pastor, and he's eager to help out. So I've got my Bible
study guys all working with me on this silent auction.”

“What's that?”

Then he explains how they'll all go around and ask businesses to contribute things that they can auction off, with all the proceeds going to the Mexican dump kids.

“Josh, that's so cool!” I say, trying not to reveal how
totally
impressed I am (but I am!).

“Yeah, and I thought maybe you could share some of your photos from last summer with me. We want to make flyers and posters to get everyone on campus involved in it.”

“Sure, maybe I could scan the photos on my dad's scanner for you and then just e-mail them.”

“That'd be perfect.”

I smile at him now, totally amazed at how far he's come in the last year (well, me too). But I have to admit that part of me (a very self-centered part) was just a little disappointed right then too, because when I first saw him today, I had hoped that he stopped by to see me for purely social reasons. (I know: shallow, shallow, shallow!) But by then I could clearly see that he had a specific goal in mind. Duh. He only stopped by because he needed copies of my photos. And not like that wasn't an excellent reason, but I still felt slightly let down. Okay, I AM human!

But after I recovered from my brief lapse into lame self-pity, my mind's wheels suddenly started turning and I no longer particularly cared that he hadn't come by especially to see me.

“You know, your idea gets me thinking,” I told him eagerly. “Maybe I could plan some sort of fund-raiser too.”

“Yeah, that'd be great!”

“The youth group is still undecided about going to Mexico again this year. Greg is wondering if it shouldn't be something we do every other year. He's afraid the kids will get burned out.”

Josh frowned. “That's too bad.”

“Yeah, but I suppose I can see his point–sort of. Still I told him that I might be going on my own anyway.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I've already written the mission about it, and as long as I raise my own support, they said they're totally fine with it. That's pretty much what Alex Little does every summer.”

Josh nodded. “I've been thinking about the same thing myself.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. But I'm still not sure it's what God wants me to do. So I'm praying about it. I can't tell if it's better for me to just send the money and stay here and work–my dad's got a good job lined up for me this summer–or to use the extra money it'd take to go down there and actually help out again.”

Then I told Josh all about the Jabez prayer and how I believed that God could and would provide the funding for whatever it is He wants us to do.

“I've heard about that book.” His face looked slightly skeptical. “But it sounds to me like people are just praying that prayer like it's some kind of get-rich-quick scheme. Personally, I'm not into that kind of phony baloney.”

Well, I quickly set him straight on that one and then promised to send him a copy of the book next week.

“Before you go knocking it, you better read it and then decide for yourself, Josh.”

He grinned. “Sounds like you're growing up, Catie.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Yeah, well, it happens to the best of us.” Then I told him all about the Christian college we'd visited, and he thought it sounded like a great place. “I can just imagine the four of you girls up there.” He laughed. “You'll be tearing the place apart in no time.”

“Hey, it's not like we're a bunch of wild women.” I scowled at him, feeling a little defensive.

“No, Caitlin, I meant that as a compliment. You're all movers and shakers. And from what I've heard, that college could use a little of that.”

“I don't know about that. They seem to be moving and shaking pretty good on their own.” And then I told him about the Christian rock concert and how Jenny had been e-mailing the drummer, and Josh seemed suitably impressed. Then I realized it was getting late and I needed to get back to work. I thanked him for stopping by.

“Do you still have that get-together at the church on Saturday nights?” he asked as we stood up.

“Yeah, it's not quite as big as it used to be, but the kids who come are more serious about hearing about God. And we're planning on having some special events to draw bigger crowds now and then.”

“I might drop by tomorrow night to check it out. And
Zach's in town for the weekend too. Maybe I'll drag him along–just for old time's sake.”

“Is he still dating that girl?”

“I'm not sure. We haven't had much of a chance to talk yet. He's been pretty busy with classes, and he has a part-time job on campus.”

I wanted to ask Josh if he'd gotten my latest e-mail (about Beanie breaking up with Joel and feeling hurt), but I figured he hadn't. Still, I hoped that maybe Beanie wouldn't go to the Saturday night group now–if Zach was going to be there, that is. I wasn't sure if her heart could handle it, especially after this recent upset with Joel.

Then as we walked back to the office, Josh told me he was worried about his kid sister Chloe. “She's only fourteen but she's acting like she's twenty.”

“To be honest, I barely remember her,” I confessed.

“But she seemed like a sweet kid.”

“She is–underneath it all. But right now she's turning into a little tiger. And the weird thing is my parents don't seem to even care.”

“Oh, I'm sure they care.”

“Maybe. But I overheard my mom telling Dad that Chloe's just like Caleb.”

I'd almost forgotten about Josh's older brother–the one who'd dropped out of college and gotten involved in drugs. “Have you guys heard from him at all?”

“Yeah, actually he's doing better. He called me one night and told me that he's been clean for about six
months. He's working as a dishwasher in a restaurant and trying to figure out what to do with his life. My parents have pretty much written him off as a lost cause though.”

“That's sad.” We were at the office building now.

“Anyway, I know you're real busy, Caitlin, but I was wondering if maybe somehow you could talk to Chloe.”

“Talk to her?”

“Yeah, maybe you could kind of befriend her–somehow.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I know it's a long shot–she might not even want to listen to you. Although last year when we were going out, Chloe thought you were pretty cool.”

I smiled. “Well, I'll pray about it, Josh. And I'll see what I can do.”

He smiled now, and it was just like the sun had come out. I mean, I'd almost forgotten just how dazzling Josh's smile could be. And suddenly I was really thankful (okay, I was having mixed feelings), but the mature side of me was truly thankful that he was going to school in another town–where the temptation to be with him was greatly alleviated.

To my initial discomfort, Beanie
did
go to the fellowship group last night. (Jenny had to work–she still works at the Pizza Hut despite the fact that her mom gives her money for whatever.) And anyway Josh
did
show up with Zach in
tow, and I
did
feel uncomfortably nervous (for Beanie's sake). I mean, there was Anna with Joel (acting very much like a couple!), and I thought now all Beanie needed was to hear Zach going on about his new girl-friend. But as it turned out, Zach had broken it off with his girlfriend over a month ago. And what had first appeared to be a doomed evening turned out to be an absolute blast! Now go figure.

The four of us ended up hanging together like old pals. No pressure. Nothing. Just plain fun. And afterward we met for ice cream and just laughed and joked and acted silly. Like Josh had said, “for old time's sake.” It was so totally cool. And I sat there thinking, This is how it's supposed to be. Guys and girls hanging together and having a great time. No one slipping out back to make out. No tears or angry words. No one getting their feelings hurt. Just guys and girls having a good time!

Well, I've been praying for Chloe Miller the past few days, about whether or not I'm actually supposed to do something with her (which I must admit seemed a little farfetched at first since I'm like a senior and she's still in junior high–I mean, I couldn't help wondering if she would think it's totally weird that I want to talk to her). But anyway, I decided to take the plunge tonight and I called her. Fortunately she remembered me, and while I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was puzzled
about why I was calling her, she was polite and agreed to get together with me on Saturday. I was up-front and told her that it was Josh who'd suggested I might call her and that I knew it probably seemed pretty weird. But I also told her that I remember what it felt like to be fourteen and a little worried about what it would be like starting high school the next year. I told her she could just consider this a big sister kind of thing. And although she laughed (slightly cynically), she seemed somewhat open. What we will talk about on Saturday, I have absolutely no idea, but I'm praying that God will lead me. I'll e-mail Josh and ask him to pray for us.

All week long I've been praying for a fund-raiser idea. (I didn't want to copy Josh and have an auction.) And finally, just today, something hit me. At first I thought it might be a dumb idea–or maybe just childish, like something grade-school kids would do. So I decided to run it by Tony first. It's one thing to look stupid in front of your pastor (who also happens to be your uncle–by marriage), but it's not fun to look stupid in front of your friends. Now, I know we're supposed to be willing to be fools for Christ's sake. And I am. Or at least I think I am. I just want to be sure it's for Christ's sake before I do it. But as it turned out, Tony really loved my idea. And he didn't think it sounded childish at all.

I think the idea is partly a result of our recent focus
on racial reconciliation. Because lately I've been noticing more how many different cultures we have around here. I mean, we have Latinos and Asians at our church. But I also got to thinking how we all come from so many different kinds of ethnic groups. Like my grandpa (on Dad's side) is Irish. And on Mom's side is Scandinavian. And Beanie has a Jewish dad. Tony has Italian roots. And I know that Jenny's mom is of Ukrainian descent. (She has all these really cool eggs and things handed down to her from her ancestors.) And anyway, I thought maybe we could put together some sort of cultural fair where we have booths and food and stuff that kind of celebrates all our differences. I told Tony that maybe we could call it something like “All God's Children” so that people would be reminded that although we're different, we're all brothers and sisters.

Tony totally loved that idea. (Well, at least he said he did–I hope he wasn't just being nice.) He asked me to put all my thoughts down on paper and to ask some of my friends to come to a planning meeting. He's going to invite some adults who could be helpful too. And the plan is to all get together next week and talk about this idea. It's so exciting.

I wanted to e-mail Josh and tell him all about it, but I controlled myself. First, I want to make sure it's a “go.” But even more, I really want to pray about it. And I think I need to be careful not to get a big head over this thing. I mean, sure, it's my idea. But if it's a really good idea, then it probably came from God. And so I don't want to go
around thinking I'm so smart and special, when really it's God just using me to do His work. And besides, that sounds way better anyway. Because to be perfectly honest, if I thought this whole thing was on my shoulders, I'd probably just crumble under the stress–and who needs that? So I'm trying to keep everything in perspective. Just the same, I really am excited. And I think it's totally cool if God is using me like this!

Today at school I suggested we have “girls' night out” tonight, but both Anna and Jenny had dates, so Beanie and I decided to go see a movie by ourselves. When I stopped by to pick up Beanie, she and her mom were in the middle of huge fight. Apparently Lynn was planning to
go out with a guy who Beanie cannot stand, and Beanie was really upset. And somehow I got pulled right into the middle of things–which really wasn't pretty.

“Caitlin, do you think kids should tell their parents what to do?” demanded Lynn.

“Well, not exactly…”

“What about when parents are acting like kids?” asked Beanie, her voice still a little loud.

“I don't know…” And that's when I began to silently pray that God would help us out here.

Lynn looked directly at me, trying to get some support, I'm sure. “You know, Rod is really not such a bad guy. He keeps a regular job, pays child support to his ex–”

“And treats you like dirt!” exploded Beanie.

“You know, Lynn,” I began carefully because I could tell that she was getting mad, “I'm hardly the one to give advice on dating here.”

Now Beanie started laughing. “Wait, Caitlin, I think you should. Go ahead, girlfriend, climb up on that soapbox and let ‘er rip!”

I saw Lynn's eyebrows pop up, like she was bracing herself.

“Okay, look, you guys, you know that I don't think it's such a hot idea to date. But I can only speak for myself. I can't tell you what to do.”

“Oh, sure,” said Beanie. “Now she holds back on me.”