Who I Am (10 page)

“What is your problem?” asks Beanie, clearly irritated now.

So I step up and stand beside Beanie wondering what's going on and expecting the worst. Jenny's not there because she's working tonight, and when I glance around for Anna, hoping for some support, I realize she's still off at the rest room.

“My problem is that I'm getting a little fed up with these white girls thinking they can move in on our guys.”

“Your guys?” Beanie's brows shoot up. “Just who exactly are you talking about, Natala?” A small crowd is starting to gather now, but as I look around I can see that Beanie
and I are definitely in the minority here.

“You know who I'm talking about, dimwit. It ain't right you taking one of our best guys from us. Just because you're white, you think you can move right in and take what ain't yours. Well for your information, white don't make right.”

Now Beanie blinks, her face a giant question mark.

“So are you saying that just because I'm white, I have no right to date Joel?”

“You got that right!”

So Beanie laughs (not her smartest move), and Natala's face tightens into what I would best describe as a snarl, and she jerks Beanie's arm closer to her.

“You think I'm funning with you, girl?”

Beanie quits laughing and shakes her head. “No, Natala. I think you're wrong. And I think you better let go of my arm.”

Now I decide to try to help. “Natala,” I try to speak calmly, “just let Beanie go, okay? She hasn't done anything to–”

“You stay outta this, blondie!”

“Natala,” says a girl's voice from the group; I think it was Shonda Newman. “Come on now, girlfriend. You need to just chill out and–”

“You, shut up!” explodes Natala. “It's thanks to sisters like you who keep letting these crackers push us around that makes things stay the way they is. So, you just keep your face outta this!”

“Natala, why do you keep letting color be the dividing
line between us?” asks Beanie in a calm and reasonable voice. “I mean, if you really want things to change you should welcome–”

“I'd welcome you to just shut your face!” Natala's eyes are blazing now, and then (to my horror) she smacks Beanie right across the face with the back of her hand.

“Hey!” I push closer, my adrenaline pumping like pistons, and I grab Natala by her free arm. But I quickly realize this girl has some real
muscles.
And she gives her arm a fast jerk that sends me flying. And there from my knees, feeling desperate and dumbfounded and slightly humiliated, I look up and see Beanie. I can see her eyes glistening from a blow that must've stung. It's already burning a bright red blotch across her cheek. But it's weird, she's not even reacting or defending herself, but her head's turned as if she's purposely exposing the other side of her face to Natala's next hit! And that's when I realize what's going on.
Beanie is turning the other cheek!
And I just wait there like I'm frozen in time, wondering what'll happen next and whether I should try to get up and help. And in the same instant I start praying silently, begging God to protect Beanie.

Then suddenly we hear footsteps running and Joel springs into the middle of the circle with Anna just behind him. And like a superhero he grabs Beanie, pulling her away from a surprised Natala. And the crowd actually cheers.

“What's going on here?” he demands, glaring at Natala.

And Natala seems slightly stunned. (I'm not sure whether it's over Beanie's turned cheek or Joel's amazing rescue.) But recovering, she snaps at him. “None of your business, you–you traitor!” Then she turns and stomps away. The other kids stand around and listen and talk for a few minutes as we relay the whole thing to Joel and Anna. And it's amazing how supportive most of them seem to be toward Beanie, saying how Natala's just a hothead and not to worry about her.

It turns out that Anna was just coming back to join us when Natala grabbed Beanie, and suspecting there could be trouble, Anna wisely ran for help. She met Joel coming out of the locker room and told him what was up. I told them I think God was watching out for us.

Beanie rode home with Joel tonight (and now I'm certain she's head over heels in love–I mean, who wouldn't be under the circumstances?). But Anna and I still felt a little shaken by the whole thing and decided to go out and rehash it over mocha milkshakes.

“I can't believe Beanie actually did that,” Anna said with real admiration.

“Yeah. I'm sure I wouldn't have thought of that. I'd probably have gotten mad and we'd have ended up in some full-blown, hair-pulling catfight.” I shuddered to imagine how horrible and embarrassing that could've been.

“Yeah, me too. And I heard Natala had been drinking underneath the bleachers tonight,” said Anna. “So it would've been tough to reason with her. Apparently she pulled a stunt just like this last weekend with Jewel, but
fortunately some of the Latina girls stepped in and I think Natala got the worst of it. I suppose she thought the odds were in her favor tonight.”

“It was just so weird though, Anna.” I set down my shake and looked at her. “I mean, it's like suddenly Beanie and I were the minority there tonight, and I wasn't even sure if anyone would step in to help.” I shook my head. “Is that how it feels to be–” I stopped myself, a little worried I'd gone too far.

“To be black?” she finished for me. Then Anna shrugged, and a look I'd never noticed before crept across her face. It was a cross between nonchalance and a quietly smoldering anger. “Yeah, I suppose it's something like that for us.” Then she looked me straight in the eyes. “Except when you're white you know it's just a temporary thing. When you're black, it's with you for your entire life.”

I swallowed hard, slightly smitten by her words, as if this problem might be personally my fault, although I could see no earthly reason why it would be. And then I could tell that tears were filling my eyes. But I knew that would appear childish, even if it was just a delayed reaction from the anxiety I'd felt earlier.

“I'm sorry, Caitlin,” she said quickly. “I know that sounded–”

“No, Anna, I want you to feel free to speak your mind with me. That's how it is between good friends.” I forced a watery smile. “And don't mind me; I think it's just been a stressful night.”

“Yeah, and I'm sure the last week's taken its toll on you too. How's your mom doing?”

I told her that the tests had come back and how Mom's tumor wasn't cancerous after all but how she still seemed blue about the whole thing. “I'm still trying to be helpful and supportive and everything,” I explained. “But to be honest, I want to say ‘Just snap out of it, Mom.’ I know it's selfish, but I want things to go back to the way they used to be. It's my last year at home. I'd like to remember it more happily than this.”

Anna made a sympathetic face, and then I felt really stupid. I mean, who knows what her home life is like? Who am I to complain?

I just shook my head. “I guess I need to grow up.”

She laughed. “Isn't that what we're trying to do?”

Anna and I
went to the mall tonight. We both got paid and wanted to celebrate a little. (Although we're both pretty determined to put most of our earnings into savings.) As a result I'm feeling kind of down right now. Not because I'm trying to save my money, but because I feel like I really blew it tonight.

First of all, we'd pigged out on Chinese food (which was perfectly fine), and then we were just sort of window-shopping around (although we made some small purchases like beaded earrings and CDs). And then as we were walking through Nordstrom (just looking!) I saw these “to die for” shoes. (Well, at least that's how I felt at the moment.) And this good-looking college-aged sales guy hopped right over and started schmoozing and saying how cool they would look on me and how he was sure they had my size, but that these shoes were so hot that this particular pair might not be around for much longer. And
the next thing I knew, I was trying them on and Anna was saying how great they looked and how I should splurge and get them, and I was totally hooked. So I plunked down the money (way, way too much!), and the sales guy asked if I wanted to wear them out, and like a dope I said, “Sure” and walked out of the store with a new pair of shoes and an empty pocketbook.

And now (although I didn't tell Anna this) I feel absolutely miserable. I mean, like how did that happen? I've never, ever, not in my entire life, paid that much money for anything–and these are just shoes! Shoes that'll probably be totally out of style by summer. And the money I wasted (yes, wasted!) on these stupid shoes probably could've fed a dozen Mexican kids for a month! Oh, I feel so totally moronic. And, of course, I can't take the shoes back–because I've already worn them! Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid!

Okay, I know it's not the end of the world, and as usual I may be overreacting a little. But it really makes me feel sick in my stomach to consider what I did tonight. Here I've been praying that God will help me to grow up and become more mature, and then there I go and do something totally senseless and selfish and too stupid. Not only that, but now I think I absolutely hate those stupid shoes! I'll probably never even wear them.

At church today, Pastor Tony talked about this ancient prayer that's hidden somewhere in the Old Testament. This guy named Jabez prayed the prayer and his life was dramatically changed. Anyway, Tony taught from this little book called
The Prayer of Jabez
(written by some Bible dude named Bruce Wilkinson), and after church Anna and I decided to drop by the mall and get our own copies. And I read the whole thing today and it was totally amazing. I mean, it's just like God was speaking right to me (especially after my crazy shoe-buying episode on Friday). And now I feel so absolutely relieved–it's like I can't even describe it. But I'll try.

You see, this Jabez guy asks God “to bless him.” And I have to admit that at first that sounded kind of selfish to me. I mean, when I think about praying to be blessed, I usually think I should be praying for other people–like my family or friends or the kids down in Mexico. I never think about asking God to “bless me, Caitlin O'Conner.” Even as I write these words, it still sounds sort of self-centered and maybe even greedy!
But what this little book so clearly teaches is that we need to realize that God is our loving, heavenly Father and He is so incredibly mighty and powerful and has totally unlimited resources and He can do whatever He wants–and most of all, He just wants to bless His children. Now of course, that doesn't mean that He wants us all to become millionaires and drive Maseratis, but He does want us all to have whatever it is we need to do what He is calling us to do. But first of all we've got to just ask Him.

There's more to this little prayer too. But asking God to bless us is the beginning. And I suppose it's that crazy shoe-buying angst biz that really drives this whole thing home for me. I mean, I'm still not saying it was okay for me to pay that much money for a stupid pair of shoes, but the truth is, the reason I got totally freaked was because I get so worried about whether I'll have enough money for college and to help the Mexican children. (And I'd really like to make another trip down there this summer, whether our youth group decides to go again or not…) Anyway, it's almost as if I was thinking it was all up to little old me to do these things. Like I'm the only one who can provide for my needs. Now how stupid is that? Because think about it. God owns everything (all the mountains and the silver and gold and diamonds and trees and horses), and He can give me absolutely anything. And for me to be down here just beating myself senseless over finances is really kind of ludicrous (don't you love that word?). And even though I don't totally
understand all this yet, it just feels like a great, big, giant sigh of relief. Ahhhh…

Mom's doing a lot better now. Almost like before, and I'm pretty sure it's not an act either. She'll go back to work next week–just half days. But I'm feeling relieved that things might get back to normal now. Yet even as I'm feeling relieved about my own mom, I feel a little concerned about Beanie's mom, Lynn. And I'll be praying really hard for her all week.

For the past few months, Lynn had really made some progress. She'd been going to AA and holding down her job,
and for the first time since I've known her was acting like a normal grown-up is supposed to act. (Well, at least how I figure they've supposed to act.) But for some reason, she just slipped back into her old habit the other day. Beanie said she got stinking drunk during her lunch break and went in to work and made a complete fool of herself. Fortunately Steph was nearby and took Lynn home and according to Beanie had a long heart-to-heart talk with her.