Who I Am (7 page)

After youth group, Anna went back to talk to Greg. Then later after church, she told me that she'd invited Christ back into her heart. I could tell she'd been crying. We just hugged, and I told her how glad I was and that I'd been praying for her. Joel was sitting with Beanie and Jenny, and I had a feeling he's made the same commitment too. I can't wait to find out for sure. But they all had to leave right after youth group because Beanie and Jenny both had to work again today. Sometimes I feel sorry for those two. It seems they have to work all the time and miss out on a lot of fun stuff. Like after church today when Anna and I went over to the mall and just hung out and relaxed for a while.

“I think we're lucky,” I told Anna as we ate cinnamon rolls at the food court (my treat to celebrate her recommitment to Jesus). “Only having to work after school during the weekdays sounds lots better than what Beanie and Jenny have to put up with.”

She nodded. “Yeah, but I may have to get a job during the weekends too.”

“Why's that?”

“I need to start getting more serious about saving for college. Right now I have only enough for maybe one semester.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess I should think about that too.” Then I frowned.

“What's wrong?”

“I guess I feel kind of torn.” I thought for a moment, then decided to go ahead. I explained to her about the mission trip our youth group had taken to Mexico last summer and about the deprived children we discovered at the garbage dump and how I wanted to help. “So, you see, I've been trying to send money and stuff. But now I'm wondering if I should cut back. But then I hate to do that.”

“That is so cool, Caitlin.”

“Huh?”

“I mean, that you care so much about those kids. That's totally cool.”

I smiled. “Well, if you'd been there and seen them, I'm sure you'd have felt the same way. It was pretty sad. But that reminds me of something. I was thinking about how you're so good at finding nice things at thrift shops and stuff. And I thought maybe you'd like to help me. I try to get used kids' clothes to send, and maybe the thrift shops would like to help donate–you know, things that might not sell that well here but would be great for down there where they have practically nothing. Some of the kids only had filthy underwear to wear.”

She nodded. “Sure, I'd be glad to ask around. I've gotten to know a couple of shops pretty well.” She glanced uncomfortably around the mall. “In fact, I usually make it a habit to avoid places like this.”

“Why's that?”

She frowned. “Well, it's kind of like being the kid standing outside of the candy store, if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't usually buy much here anymore. I just look around and hang with my friends. Oh, I might get something small and inexpensive. But I don't spend money here like I used to. Since going to Mexico I've started thinking differently about some things. It's kind of embarrassing sometimes though.”

“Why?”.

“Well, some of my friends–not Beanie, of course–but like Jenny and Andrea, well, they're kind of used to being pretty free and easy with their spending. Anyway, Jenny used to be. She's had to tighten up since she's not living at home anymore. But Beanie told me that Jenny's dad has been giving her money from time to time, so she's not exactly penniless either. Not like Beanie's been.”

“or like me.”

“Well, that's going to change soon.” I grinned. “I know the pay's not the greatest there, but it sure beats the fast-food places.”

Then we just walked around and looked at stuff for a while. I took Anna to a really expensive store, explaining how Beanie and I would “just look” in there sometimes, and then Beanie would get ideas for ways she could find similar pieces of used clothing and adapt them to look like designer original–or even
better. “Although she could come up with some pretty strange looking outfits too.” I laughed. “But then it's her own personal style.”

Anna looked at a shirt I was checking out, then frowned. “I'm just no good at fashion. Sometimes I wish I were, because I know I probably look like a nerd most of the time–at least that's what Jewel always says. But then she dresses so flashy that I think she looks like a hooker half the time, so I sure don't go asking her for fashion advice.” Then Anna turned and stared at me. “But you always look nice, Caitlin. I like your style.”

I smiled. “Gee, thanks, I didn't realize I actually had a style.” Then I held the shirt up in front of her and made her look in the mirror. “Hey, that looks pretty cool on you.”

She studied it. “I guess so.”

I sneaked a peek at the price tag then gulped. “one hundred and eighty-five dollars,” I said under my breath.

“You're kidding!”

I grinned and shook my head, then gingerly replaced the shirt back on the rack as if it were made of fine gold.

“I bet I could find something almost like it at the thrift shop.”

“why don't you?”

“Well, I just might.”

She continued studying her image in the mirror. “But
even so, I think there's something about me that doesn't quite work.”

I looked at her, suddenly feeling uncertain. I mean, Anna and I may have a lot in common, but our appearance is pretty different. Besides, who was I to advise her on style? The again, isn't that what friends are for? Beanie and Jenny and I never worry about hurting each other's feelings when it comes to fashion. “Well have you ever considered wearing your hair differently?”

She reached up and ran her hand over her tightly pulled back hair. Ever since I can remember, Anna's always worn her hair combed flat and pulled back into a small ponytail that looks more like a bun. She usually has a barrette or a scrunchie wrapped around it, but it's always the exact same look. And in my opinion, it only serves to make her face look broader. But I wasn't going to say that.

Suddenly I noticed a sales clerk eyeing us, and I knew it was time to move on. “Maybe we should go,” I whispered, glancing over my shoulder.

“Yeah, they probably think we're shoplifting.” And the way she said it I could tell she was serious.

“I know, Anna, why don't you come over to my house and we'll see what we can do to change your look–I mean, if you want to, that is.” Now I wondered if I'd gone too far. I sure didn't want to hurt her feelings. And I knew our friendship wasn't all that stable yet.

But she just smiled. “Sure, that sounds like fun. If you really want to. I mean, you don't have to–”

“Hey, there's not much else to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Why not go home and play dress up?”

Anna giggled as we ran through the rain to the car, and I'm sure it's the first time I'd heard her do so because usually she's so serious. “Yeah,” she said, “I suppose it makes sense to do something with my outside appearance now since I've already done something with my inside.”

“Yeah, I wanted to ask you how that all went, but I hate to be all nosy and everything.”

“Oh, it's okay to ask. In fact, I'm felling really great on the inside. I prayed before I went to bed last night. And I prayed again this morning. And it's amazing-there was all this stuff I was worried about, and I don't feel quite so bad now. I guess I really needed Jesus more than I knew. I can see now how I was carrying a bunch of things on my own-like what am I supposed to do with my life, or why I am the way I am… I know it sounds kind of silly, but I think it was sucking the life out of me.”

“No, it doesn't sound silly at all.” I assured her. “I know just what you mean.” Then I told her a little bit about me when I first got saved and how I had all these questions and doubts and fears… And it was cool; she really seemed to relate and understand.

Anna and I spent the rest of the afternoon in my room and had the best time giving her a complete makeover. I even dug out Mom's old Mary Kay kit and we experimented with some makeup samples that
looked pretty cool on her. And when my aunt Steph just happened to drop by, I enticed her (with the promise of free baby-sitting) to cut Anna's hair (naturally Anna had agreed first), and Aunt Steph (who could've been a beautician if she wanted) gave Anna this great-looking cut with layers and soft bangs and Anna looked absolutely fantastic. Aunt Steph has naturally curly hair too and understands how it needs to be cut and conditioned to lie just right. So she explained all this to Anna, and it really seemed to work too. Then I had Anna try on some of my clothes, and we discovered that we wear almost exactly the same size, which is kind of fun since Beanie is bigger than me and Jenny is smaller. Finally, I asked Anna if she really liked her glasses. They're not too terrible really (just plain tortoiseshell rims, but a little on the chunky side). Then she told me she has contacts but never wears them.

“I feel kind of bad too because I know my mom paid a lot of money for them when she really couldn't afford to. But at the time it kind of made me mad, because I hadn't even asked for them and she acted like it was some big sacrifice and everything. I guess I just wanted to be stubborn.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes you just want your parents to know that it's your life and too much interference is not appreciated.” Then I asked her to take off her glasses, and it was just like one of those old movies (that my grandma collects) where the
secretary takes off her clunky glasses and looks just like a movie star.

“Anna!” I exclaimed. “Can you see yourself?”

She squinted. “Well, not really. I am nearsighted, you know.”

I pushed her close to the mirror, but she still didn't seem to get it. So I snagged my purse and said, “We're going over to your place to get your contacts.”

She laughed and grabbed her glasses and we were off.

To make a long story short, I waited in the car while she went up and put in her contacts. Then I drove her over to Pizza Hut for Jenny and Beanie to see. They just gushed over Anna until I'm afraid she was getting embarrassed, and finally we left and I drove her back home.

“Thanks, Caitlin,” she said when I dropped her off. “For everything.”

“I should be thanking you,” I said honestly. “This was really fun.”

And so there you have it. Anna Parker new on the inside and outside too. I hope that's okay. I hope I wasn't being too pushy. But she seemed to like it. Still, it occurs to me, now that it's all over and done, that she might perceive what we did as me wanting to change her. And I didn't. I think she was just fine the way she was. She's the one who seemed unhappy with her looks. I hope I didn't blow it.

I should know better
than to check e-mail during my break at work. Not that it's not allowed, because you can do pretty much whatever you want on your break. Most of the time I don't even take a break, but occasionally I do check my e-mail, which is no big deal because it's not like I have a bunch of people writing to me. Mostly it's just junk mail (like ridiculous ads for some new miracle weight-loss ointment) that needs to be tossed. But today when I checked I had an e-mail from Josh-which is always a pleasant surprise. But not today.

I know I shouldn't care, I shouldn't react, I should be way above how I'm feeling right now, but the truth is I'm not. And here's another reason to be thankful for this diary-once again I can say how I really feel, even if I do sound totally confused and stupid. Aren't diaries great? Okay, the thing is: I just don't get why Josh wants to go to the Valentine's Day ball with some girl he barely even
knows. Or why he felt the need to write and tell
me
all about it. As if he knows he's going to get some kind of reaction from me. Oh sure, he tells me, it's just the college pastor's kid sister who really wants to go to this dance but doesn't have a boyfriend to take her… yada, yada, yada-blah, blah, blah…I'm surprised he didn't say she was cross-eyed and had a face like a horse. Not that it should matter one way or another because it's really none of my business. Right?

Why
on earth should I even care? Furthermore, what am I supposed to say to him in response? Maybe the part that bugs me the most about this whole thing is how I could tell (at least I think I could) that Josh was already questioning himself in this decision. I mean, wasn't it just last fall when he said that (like me) he'd given up on dating altogether? But now this. Of course, he said that this wouldn't be an “official date,” whatever that means. So if it's not a date, then what is it? But if he sounds like he's compromising his convictions, and he's writing all about it to me, does that mean that I should set him straight? Ha-ha-ha! Just who am I to set anyone straight on anything? (Ask Jenny and Beanie!) And even if I were to write back and tell him I was a little concerned about his choice here, who's to say how pure
my
motives might be in this whole thing?

Because, if the truth were told–and I'm not entirely sure I could actually tell it to myself or anyone else (but hopefully God knows)–I might actually be in love with Josh Miller. Yikes, I can't even believe I really wrote that! what
if I were to say that he shouldn't date anyone ever–just to preserve my chances with him? (How's that for a healthy confession?) Now, I'm not saying I really
am
in love with Josh or that I
know
he's absolutely the one God wants me to marry someday. But I'm not saying he's not either. Still, what if my response to him ended up being some desperately lame attempt to keep my options with him open? Pretty pitiful, isn't it? And totally ridiculous too. Okay, just slap me, somebody!

Anyway, that's the reason I still haven't replied to his e-mail. I wanted to pour out my feelings into my diary first, hoping I'd get some clarity here or at least recognize how selfish and foolish I sound (which I can easily see now). But at the same time, I'm feeling more confused than ever. Not so much about Josh as about myself.