Who I Am (2 page)

Jenny told me that Beanie had been talking about Joel a lot last semester (and I'm wondering where was I?), and she said she wasn't a bit surprised when they finally went out–to a movie on New Year's Eve, as it turns out. But then, how could Jenny understand my concerns about Beanie? I mean, Jenny still thinks it's okay to date and stuff. I'm not even sure where she stands on the abstinence issue. And she and Trent Ziegler have been going out since before Christmas, and he's not a Christian either. But it's really none of my business, right? So why should any of it even surprise or bother me?

Maybe it's just that I'm feeling a little like the odd man out right now. You know that old fifth wheel thing. Or maybe I'm just afraid that we're all going to grow apart or that Beanie and Jenny might stop taking God seriously. Already it seems like those two are living in their own little world. I mean, they live together and work together and the fact is, I feel kind of out of it just now. So how can I possibly step in and say that I'm all worried about their spiritual conditions without sounding like a total nerd? I mean, it seems like I should be able to tell my two best friends how I feel, but I'm not so sure. What if they see me as some kind of religious fanatic? (Am I a fanatic?)

Oh, maybe I'm just overreacting to what is simply normal high school behavior. To be perfectly honest, I feel pretty
confused right now and I'm thinking I better just pray about all this stuff and try really hard to keep my big mouth shut before I'm really sorry. (Now, wouldn't that be a good exercise in self-control!)

I spent the night
at my grandma's house last night (where Beanie and Jenny are living until Grandma comes back from snowbirding down in Arizona). And it felt just like old times with the three of us hanging out together. Believe it or not, we actually made popcorn and chocolate chip cookies. Talk about pigging out! It was Beanie's idea, really, since this is one part of childhood that she seriously missed out on living with her less-than-traditional mom, Lynn. But I have to confess that Jenny and I kind a liked it too. We kept calling ourselves the three old maids, although I think that's hardly likely! Especially with Jenny who gets asked out several times a week (according to Beanie who fields half the phone calls). Have I ever mentioned that Jenny looks a lot like Catherine Zeta-Jones (only a younger, thinner version)? Well, Jenny says that's absolutely crazy, but I'm not the first one who's noticed. Anyway, I'm sure those
two were just saying the old maid thing for my benefit since they figure that's my major goal in life. Ha! Then we sat down with our carb feast and watched these goofy old movies from my grandma's funky video collection.

We stayed up until about three in the morning watching
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
Talk about corny! Then we still managed to get up in time to go to youth group and church. After that we invited Andrea LeMarsh to come to the mall with us. We got some lunch and then shopped the after-Christmas sales, which are pretty picked over by now, although Beanie did manage to find a jacket that we all thought looked very cool on her. (And to think it wasn't even from a secondhand store!) Then Jenny found a pair of boots she'd been wanting that were marked way down. So those two were pretty delivious. Andrea and I didn't have such great luck (a good thing since I'm still fairly broke after the missions conference). Anyway, we tried on funny hats and ugly purses and generally acted childish and immature. But I must say it felt pretty good.

And so now I'm thinking all my previous worries about Jenny and Beanie falling away from God were just some kind of neurotic paranoia on my part. And after hearing them share today in youth group–they both responded to Greg's question about who should come first in our lives–I'm sure they're both doing just fine in that regard. Chalk it up to another Caitlin O'Conner lesson on judging others and why it's not a terribly smart thing to do.

Well, I've gone and done it now. Once again, I've managed to totally alienate my oldest and best friend. I really stuck my foot in it when Jenny and Beanie and I went to the basketball game tonight. It was Beanie's idea to go, of course, since Joel plays center for the team (which is not having such a great season). I don't know why it didn't occur to me earlier that he was the one behind Beanie's recent interest in basketball. (I mean, she used to think that sport was only slightly less absurd than football.) Anyway, I thought going to the game sounded fun and I even offered to drive. I tried not to notice when Beanie was yelling like a wild woman for Joel to score–I mean, we were all cheering for the team (and they only lost by one point!). But after the game, Beanie said we could go on without her, that she'd catch a ride home with Joel.

“But why do you want to do that?” I asked (somewhat stupidly, I can see now in retrospect).

Beanie frowned. “Why not?”

“Well, I don't know, Beanie. I guess it just doesn't seem right to me.” I'm sure I kind of stumbled over my words at that point, and I know I probably sounded just like an old mother hen. What I really wanted to say was how I was seriously worried about her getting involved with another guy again. (I mean, it seems like she's barely gotten over Zach.) But how do you say something like
that
to your friend with a bunch of people hanging around?

But it was too late. I watched Beanie's eyebrows come together in a dark
V
, and when her nostrils flared I knew I was in trouble. Somehow I'd stepped over the line. Although I wasn't quite sure how.

“Caitlin O'Conner!” She spat out my name, her lips puckered as if it tasted like dirt. Then she took a deep breath (like she was trying to control her temper) and just slowly shook her head. She looked like she was about to correct someone the age of my little cousin Oliver when she finally spoke. “You know, I think you're prejudiced.”

Now, I forgot to mention that Beanie's new heartthrob (Joel Johnson) is black (or African-American or whatever the politically correct term is these days). Actually his skin is sort of a nice caramel color and he's really good looking, but I'm getting away from the point here. The thing is: I am NOT, nor have I EVER been prejudiced–against anyone! At least not based on skin color or ethnicity. I mean, I may have been slightly prejudiced against snooty popular kids once (way back before Jenny and I became friends). But I don't believe I've ever been prejudiced against someone simply because their skin, hair, or eye color was different than mine. I mean, that's ridiculous. And for Beanie to say that to me (and in public) was incredibly offensive. And I was actually speechless for a few seconds. Then finally I gathered my wits and looked her right in the eyes. “I am
not
prejudiced!” I sputtered. “I'm–I'm just worried about you–”

“Worried about what?” Now her words grew loud
enough to turn a few more heads (as if enough weren't looking already), but I sensed she no longer cared if she made a great big scene (remember Beanie likes theatrics). Then she put her face up close to mine and peered at me like she was trying to see right inside of my brain, like she thought I was hiding something deep and dark and sinister in there.

At about that point, I started feeling pretty lame, not to mention awfully conspicuous. And I felt fairly certain that everyone within earshot was listening now, not to mention staring (or so it seemed at the time).

“Come on, you guys,” urged Jenny, but I could hear her nervous laugh. “Just chill, okay?”

Still I wasn't ready to let this thing go. (I hate being unjustly accused, especially in public.) “But you don't understand, Beanie, I just–”

“Caitlin.” Beanie's voice grew quieter now, but her dark eyes flashed at me–like a warning sign. “Drop it, okay?”

Jenny tugged on my arm. “Come on, Caitlin. Let's go now.” She winked at Beanie. “Don't worry, I'll handle this.”

Beanie just rolled her eyes, then shrugged. “Yeah, see ya later.”

Without saying another word, I fumed all the way across the parking lot. I felt humiliated and completely misunderstood. And I'm sure being misunderstood is what bugged me the most. I absolutely HATE being misunderstood!

“Whew!” Jenny closed the car door and sighed. “Glad
that's over with. What's gotten into you, Caitlin?”

I turned and stared at her. “Me?”

“Yeah, you were acting–uh, shall we say, slightly nuts.”

I groaned and leaned back into the seat. “You don't understand. I'm just concerned about Beanie.”

“Yeah?” She threw me a suspicious glance from the corner of her eye. “And why exactly is that?”

And then we went round and round, this time with me trying to explain how I didn't want to see Beanie getting hurt again. And how I felt like dating just invites trouble. And suddenly I had Jenny all over me like a bad case of zits, and now she was getting all defensive.

“Caitlin O'Conner, you can't expect everyone to give up dating just because you did. And, besides, we all know you still spend time with Josh. Sheesh, you guys went off to that conference together for a whole week. I mean, what's up with that? Talk about dating!”

“We are
not
dating!”

“But you guys still like each other, don't you?”

Suddenly I remembered how Jenny and Josh had been dating (seriously dating) less than a year ago–before I'd come between them. And I remembered how it seemed like she hated me then. I also remembered the jealousy I'd felt when she and Josh got back together again. And suddenly I felt so completely confused that I couldn't even think straight, let alone talk sensibly. So I just drove her home in silence. But when I stopped my car I felt like I needed to say something. “Jenny, I'm sorry. I
know I'm not doing a very good job of explaining how I feel right now. And I know I probably sound pretty stupid. But the thing is, I just don't want to see Beanie or you getting hurt because of guys.”

Jenny threw back her head and laughed. “Caitlin, you worry way too much. Don't you understand that we've all got to live our own lives and make our own mistakes?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I know you're right.”

“And even if Beanie and I haven't kissed dating goodbye, like you claim to have done, we still might be smarter than you give us credit for.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I forced a smile. “I know I must've sounded like a total idiot tonight.”

“It's okay, Caitlin. I forgive you, and I'm sure Beanie will too–in time. Besides, it's a good reminder to all of us that you're not so perfect after all.” She made a smirky face then gently punched me in the arm.

“Hey, I never said I was perfect!”

“It's not always what you say, Sister Caitlin.”

I shut my mouth and just nodded. As much as it hurt, I knew she was probably right. I probably do come across as (gag!) little “Miss Perfect.” And, man oh man, I totally HATE that!

Somehow Beanie and I have sort of patched things up this week, but she still acts like she has this sneaking suspicion that I might really be a little bit prejudiced. Which I must admit really irks me!

“Caitlin, it's only natural,” she said to me at lunchtime today. “Everyone is prejudiced about one thing or another.”

“But I really, truly don't think I am.”

She shook her head. “Yeah, but what if you're just in denial?”

Jenny groaned. “Oh, pleeease, don't you two start this up again.”

“What about Jenny,” I continued. “Is she prejudiced too?”

“Sure,” said Jenny lightly. “I'll be the first one to admit that I probably wouldn't go out with an ugly boy.”

“What if he was really sweet and smart?” I countered.

She shrugged. “I'm sorry. Call me superficial, shallow, trivial–whatever, but I happen to like cute boys.” She nodded toward the doorway. “Like Trent there.” Then she waved and took off to join him.

I sighed. “So, does
that
count as prejudice?”

Beanie nodded. “Yep. But at least she's honest about it.”

“Okay. I suppose I am prejudiced about some things. But not skin color, Beanie. Really.”

“You don't have any friends of color.”

“Maybe not close ones, but I consider Anna Parker to be a friend. I've known her since grade school and I've always been friendly to her.”

“Did you ever invite her to your house?”

“No. But you know how I used to be kind of shy. I mean, for years I never invited hardly anyone over–except for you, Beanie. And come to think of it, you happen to be Jewish, by the way. And I was never prejudiced against that. Was I?” For once I felt I was getting the upper hand again.

“Ah, yes.” She raised her forefinger as if to make a critical point. “But then again, you did manage to convert me, didn't you?”

“Beanie!” I stared at her with disbelief.

Then she started laughing. “Had you going, didn't I?”

Well, she did have me going. And in some ways I'm starting to think maybe she's right. Maybe I AM prejudiced, but I'm just too oblivious to know it. And that scares me! So now I'm really praying that God will show me what's inside me (okay, not everything–that'd be way too horrifying). But if I really am prejudiced, I want to know about it ASAP. And then I want to do something to change.