Who I Am (24 page)

Of course, on the other hand, six months in the life of a seventeen- almost eighteen-year-old is kind of like a lifetime of its own. But as I look back, I can see that I've learned a lot. And it's funny because a lot of the time it felt like I was going backward. Sometimes it even seemed like I'd had it more together in the previous year. I mean, I think I've suffered some real identity crises in the past several months. There were times when I felt like I really didn't know who I was or where I was going or anything.

And then last week, when I picked up Chloe (to go to this new Christian coffeehouse in the city where there's
a musician playing that I thought she might like–and she did), something she asked me just seemed to help click on the light.

“Do you ever just wonder who you really are?” she asked as we drove.

I nodded. “Yeah, to tell you the truth I've wondered that a lot in the past year. It's like no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do. Go to college or go work in Mexico? So then I finally decide on college but I don't get financial aid for the one I want–the one my friends get to go to. And even when I decide to go to State, I still can't decide on a major. And even then my parents keep pushing me toward writing or journalism, and I still don't know for sure. And, of course, I still think I should do something that would be more helpful in missions. But to be honest, I don't really know what that might be.” I sighed in exasperation. “So, yes, Chloe, to answer your question, I am still trying to figure out who I am.”

Chloe laughed. “Sorry to get you going.”

“No, that's okay.” I got thoughtful for a moment, sensing there was some hidden opportunity here. “I guess the thing I've really learned is that I may never completely figure out who I am. And maybe that's not so important.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Maybe what really matters is whose I am.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah. Because I'm thinking that life will probably always be a little confusing and unpredictable. And I
suspect we'll be constantly changing and growing and stuff. But God is constant. And if somehow I can always remember that I belong to Him, then I'm pretty sure everything else will just fall right into place.”

Chloe got quiet now and I was worried that I might've gotten up on my soapbox again.

“Did that make any sense to you?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yeah, it actually did.”

And so I'm thinking that's it! It doesn't really matter so much
who I am
(like whether I become a writer or a missionary or a teacher or whatever…), but it really matters
whose I am
. I belong to God. And knowing that fills me with such a sense of peace. It's like He's the rudder on my boat, and when the waves start tossing me around, I know I can make it safely to the other side.

Because I'm His.