Who I Am (23 page)

Before we left today, we sang “Jesus Loves Me” several times and Jewel got most of the words right by the last time. Her mom says it's her favorite song now (quite a change from the old rap music she used to love). So while it's hard to see her not progressing faster, she still seems pretty happy. And I'm still praying for a miracle–for a complete recovery.

Beanie did a great job today. I told her that she's learning a lot faster than I did, and I think it made her feel good (since she had plenty of mishaps too). But I remember how frustrated I was during my first week, and I
want her transition to be smoother (partly to convince Rita that I wasn't wrong in giving such a strong recommendation).

But when Anna came down (to ride home), her face looked sad.

“What's wrong?” I asked.

“It's Jewel. Her mom just called and asked that we pray. I guess Jewel's got some sort of infection and swelling going on inside her head.”

“We just saw her yesterday and she seemed fine,” said Beanie.

“Well, according to her mom, she's not fine now.”

“Do you think we should stop by and visit?” I asked.

“No, her mom says they want to keep her as quiet as possible for now.”

So as we drove home we took turns praying for Jewel. And by the time I'd dropped them off, I was feeling really hopeful and positive–like maybe this was the beginning of a miracle for her. I mean, you just never know. God does work in mysterious ways!

It was so cool to gather with my fellow classmates tonight for a time when God was really honored. Of course, not everyone came (it's an optional service). But (saved or not) the majority of the kids were there (even Trent who not long ago called himself an atheist, although I'm not totally sure what he calls himself now).

Anyway, several pastors spoke, including Tony (who in my opinion outshone them all, but hey, I might be prejudiced). And some really great things were said about letting God lead us from here. So all in all, it was a really sweet time and despite the sweltering heat in the non-air-conditioned gymnasium, it seemed to just put everything into perspective for graduation. I'm really glad they give us this night to look at things from a spiritual perspective because everything can get so wild and happy and crazy on graduation night.

Afterward, my family took me out for ice cream and it was kind of weird sitting there with them (the same ice cream place we've gone since I was just little) and thinking that life as I've known it is about to change for good. I mean, I know I still have the whole summer with them, but once fall comes I'll be living on campus and well, the whole thing just sort of hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. And right there at Baskin-Robbins I started getting all sort of weepy. And before long I had Mom going, and then Dad was wiping his nose. And finally Benjamin pipes up and says, “Sheesh, Caitlin, did you really have to
go and make everyone start bawling?” But the sweet thing was I could see real tears in his eyes too. Of course, I pretended not to notice and started joking around, trying to lighten things up. But then as we drove home, form the darkness of the backseat, I told my family just how much I really do appreciate them and how thankful I am for the years they've put up with me.

“So does this mean you're leaving anytime soon?” asked Ben. “Cause I sure wouldn't mind having your old room, you know. It's bigger than mine.”

Then I pretended to sock him in the arm. “No way!

Even when I go to college I expect to come home and stay in my old room.”

Mom laughed. “Well” see about that. I've been wanting a home office.”

And so there you have it. I'm not even out the door yet and people are already making bids for my room. But all joking aside, I know they really do love me. And that's a lot. Sometimes I wonder how people get by without a family to love and stand by them. But then, God's love is big–and I'm sure He can more than make up for anything that's missing. Still, I'm thankful for my family. Probably more now than ever before.

After struggling for several days with what turned out to be a severe infection, bad swelling, and finally a cerebral hemorrhage, Jewel died today. I still feel shocked and disappointed to think she's really gone. I mean, I know she's with God, but it seems so strange that she's not here anymore. But death is like that. Still, when I think of her, I can see her smiling childlike face singing “Jesus Loves Me.” It's just so weird.

It's strange to think we were just with her on Monday, only three days ago. And the following day, she went into the coma and never regained consciousness. I was relieved to learn that Tony had gone in last night, after baccalaureate, to pray with Jewel and her mom. It's like God had told him, and he listened. Then Jewel died early this morning.

Part of me says I should be happy for her. I mean, I know she's with Jesus–seeing Him up close and in person right now. But still, I feel let down. Here I was praying (hard!) for her to be healed and instead she died. And I feel childish and selfish for feeling so totally disappointed. It's like I'm standing down here stamping my foot and shaking my fist at God. How dumb is that? I mean, I know He knows what's best. And this isn't the first time my
prayers haven't been answered. But it still gets me. I think I need to go take a walk and just think about all these things.

As I walked around the neighborhood (thinking about Jewel), I remembered what I'd been praying for–a miracle! I'd been asking God to totally heal her and make her completely whole and well, so that she could run and dance and laugh–and well, whatever. And it occurred to me that that's probably exactly what she's doing right now. So it seems God did answer my prayer (just not in the specific way that I'd imagined). And so why should I be all bummed about it? Why should I think I know better than God? And did I forget that He's made each one of us human and mortal–that eventually not a single one of us will escape death?

And so once again I'm reminded that there's just this thin line between life and death–and then after that comes LIFE that lasts forever! And isn't that what believing in God is all about–that promise of something far greater and better afterward? And I suppose when I consider all the poverty and pain and suffering all over the world, I should be incredibly thankful and grateful that there is such a place as heaven. I mean, sheesh, it seems only right!

But I have to admit, as an earthling, I get way too focused on the here and now, and as a result I sometimes forget. I lose perspective. In fact, it's usually only when something tragic happens that I'm reminded of what's important and what's to come. And while it's usually
sobering (at first), I am always thankful later on. And so now I'm thanking God that Jewel is with Him. I can see what a complete release that must be for her. Her spirit was light-years ahead of her mind and body, and now perhaps they're all connecting. And so despite my human longing that everything remain the same, I am willing to let go and trust God for eternity–both Jewel's and mine.

To say that Jewel's death
didn't put a damper on graduation would be untrue. But someone (I'm guessing Mr. Myers, our principal) wisely decided to dedicate the first few minutes to her memory. And Joel (who is valedictorian) was invited to speak some words on her behalf. And what he said was so perfect and true that I thought it should be no surprise to anyone that he was our valedictorian. I know I was extremely proud of him.

After that, things quickly shifted gears and announcements of awards and scholarships began. A lot of the scholarships were complete surprises and there were a lot of happy kids. And while I was proud to see both Beanie and Anna go down to receive their college scholarship awards, I still had to fight down a feeling of jealousy that I wouldn't be joining them. But then to my complete surprise the winner of the state essay contest was announced–and it was me! I mean, I'd totally forgotten
all about it (sure that they must've already awarded the prize). And to my complete amazement I was presented with a college scholarship of a thousand dollars a year! well, I'm pretty sure I could hear my dad let out a whoop of delight from the grandstand.

I walked down to the podium just totally stunned. I mean, to think my quickly written paper about the Mexican kids had actually won! I almost thought I was going to faint (of course, it was pretty hot and stuffy in there by then). But feeling like I'd just won an Oscar or something, I thanked Mr. Myers then found my way back to my seat, and when I finally sat down, my knees felt just like Jell-O. Oh sure, the scholarship isn't big enough to cover the cost of private tuition, but just knowing my writing was good enough to win was a huge encouragement to me.

Joel's valedictory speech was really good, but I think I liked what he said about Jewel even better. Then we started marching down to get our diplomas, and before you knew it, that whole thing was over and we were throwing our caps in the air.

A big group of us went to the all-night party together (even Anna and Joel came along, thankfully not acting too much like a couple). And we just had the coolest time doing geekish things like bowling and playing pool and Putt-Putt, and of course there was lots of eating.

Sometime during the night, Joel got the idea to have a sunrise service (in memory of Jewel). And so a bunch of us (including Natala and Shonda and even Jamal) gathered down at the park. We got into this really big circle and
everyone joined hands, then Joel led us in a prayer and we sang a couple songs. Then people shared things they remembered about Jewel. And Beanie told about how we had sung with her on that last day. And so we decided to end by singing “Jesus Loves Me.” Just as we finished the song, the sun began to come up. It was amazing. We couldn't have done it like that if we'd tried. I think almost everyone was crying by then, not sobbing, but just teary eyed. Then we shared a lot of hugs and went back to the school in time to have breakfast. And of all the things that happened during graduation, I think that moment in the park will stand out to me forever. It's like God was right there. And maybe Jewel too.

Life has been a whirlwind of busyness the last two weeks. First of all (after a couple days off), I started my new job. And I totally love it. I mean, it's kind of exhausting and some of the kids (especially Terrance the tyrant!) can really try my patience at times (like nap time when he refuses to stay on his cot). But mostly it's great. Little kids are so totally cool. It's like they're so honest–they're just who they are–they don't play games. (Well, other than kiddy games, I mean). But even when they're naughty, it's not like they have any hidden agenda. It's impossible not to love them. And I can't believe how much I'm learning. I'm thinking I'll have so much to offer the Mexican kids (when I go down in August).

And speaking of Mexico, Beanie has decided to come–and she says she's willing to stay for two weeks! Yippee! But then Jenny found out about it and felt all hurt and left out.

“I can't believe you invited Beanie but didn't invite me,” she said one night when the three of us were hanging out at the mall.

I felt horrible. “But Jenny, I only had enough money for one other person, or I would've–”

“So it's about money?” Her eyes lit up.

“Do you think you could come?” I asked. “I mean, would you really want to come?”

“Would you want me?”

“Of course, but it's kind of rough down there.” Then I explained in detail about how I'd reacted at first, how I'd been so totally freaked over the deprivation and filth.

“I think I can handle it.”

“Will your mom really let you go?” While I knew Mrs. Lambert had lightened up a lot, I still wasn't quite sure how far she could be pushed.

“Mom won't mind. She pretty much treats me like an adult now anyway.”

“Do you really want to come?”

“You bet!”

And so it was decided there on the Nordstrom escalator that the three of us would go down to Mexico together.

“We'll be like the three amigos!” said Jenny with a grin.

Make that amigas,” I corrected her. (“Amiga” is the feminine version for “friend.”)

“To the Three Amigas!” said Beanie, giving us both a high five.

And now that there are three of us going, I'm thinking maybe I could drive my car (we were going to fly), and then we can give the money we save to the mission. I know it's a long trip, but I think it could be fun. Now, if I can just convince my parents…

I don't know why it's so much harder to keep a diary in the summertime. I guess it's because the sun is calling and there are bikes to ride and pools to swim in (plus ordinary demands like work and mowing the lawn). But it just hit me today that I've been keeping my latest diary for six months now, and I can't believe all that's happened in what is really a relatively short amount of time. (I mean, when you're looking at the big picture.)