Who I Am (18 page)

I gasped. “But she's alive?”

“Barely. I heard that she didn't aim the gun straight,
and the bullet is lodged in her skull.”

I felt my knees getting weak and now tears were filling my eyes too. I leaned into the lockers for support and stared at Natala in wonder. “How can you handle this, Natala? I mean, you don't seem upset or anything.”

She rolled her eyes and then shrugged. “It's not anything I haven't seen before. My next door neighbor got shot just sitting in her own living room–a drive-by, you know, wasn't even her fault. You get sort of used to these things.” Then she scowled. “But not in your world, I guess.”

Then I stood up straighter, suddenly feeling pretty defensive. “You know, Natala, I don't think anyone's exempt from this kind of stuff. I mean, just last year one of my best friends was killed in the McFadden School shooting–Clay Berringer–and I still miss him to this day.”

She looked slightly taken aback by my words but simply nodded.

“I'm sorry, Natala,” I said. “I guess I'm just really upset.” I took in a breath, trying to regain some composure, which seemed pretty futile about then. “The thing is, just last night I was really praying for Jewel.” I glanced over to Anna who was still quietly crying. “Anna had asked me to. And, well, I feel really cruddy right now–like my prayers didn't make one bit of difference–” And then I started to cry too. And to my surprise it was Natala who put her arms around me and patted my back.

“Maybe your prayers did make a difference, Caitlin,” she whispered. “Maybe that's the reason Jewel's still alive.”

I hadn't considered that possibility, and I wasn't entirely convinced right then, but I tried to remember what she said–I tried to hang on to it during the day. Still, I felt pretty unsettled and shaken by the whole thing–not to mention let down. I mean, I wasn't exactly blaming God, because I know He gives us all freedom of choice and everything. But it was hard to think that even though I'd been praying for Jewel, she still pulled that trigger. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. I wondered why God hadn't done some miracle like making the gun not work or something. I suspected I was looking at this all wrong, but it was just the way I felt. I couldn't even pray.

Then at lunchtime, a bunch of us went together to buy balloons and flowers and then drove over to the hospital to deliver them. we figured they wouldn't let us into ICU, but the nurses were really nice and said they'd let Jewel have our gifts as soon as her condition improved. Anna actually got to see her (through the glass window), and she said it looked like Jewel was still unconscious and was plugged into all kinds of machines, but the head nurse seemed to be hopeful and told us that she would get better in time. Still, I don't know if that's just the way they're supposed to act in ICU, like it's part of their job or something.

Then Anna suggested that we all meet at the hospital this evening to pray for Jewel. And so after work we grabbed some burgers at the take-out window and drove straight over. And when we got there the waiting
room was packed full of kids–some Christians, some not. I'd estimate there were about a hundred of us. Earlier today, Joel had invited Greg to come over and sort of lead us all in a prayer vigil. And it was actually pretty cool. I mean, kids who would never consider coming to church were actually bowing their heads, and, I believe, really praying for Jewel.

The crowd started to break up a little before nine, but some of us stayed on (mostly the Christian kids as well as her closest friends), and we continued to pray. We weren't always praying out loud. And mostly we just bowed our heads in silence. But sometimes someone would read something from the Bible. Around midnight, I figured I better get home (since I'd promised Mom I would). And even though I feel totally exhausted, I plan to pray for Jewel during every waking moment. And I'm really believing that God has His hand on her life. And somehow this is all going to work out right.

Anna had news about Jewel this morning. Apparently her condition has stabilized. We're not totally sure what that means, but Anna says it's good. Jewel's still unconscious and in ICU, but if she remains stable they will probably do surgery on her this afternoon. We decided to gather in the lunchroom at noon today to fast and pray for her. The fasting part was Joel's suggestion, and we all agreed. We were willing to do whatever it took to get God's attention, not that we think He's not listening. (Okay, I'll admit I had my doubts yesterday.) But we just want to do anything we can to help Jewel. We started out with about thirty kids, gathered in a corner of the cafeteria, but before lunchtime was over I'd estimate we had more than a hundred–maybe two hundred. It was amazing! And when we finished, Joel led us all in a couple of praise songs. Naturally, most of the kids didn't know the words, but those who did sang loud and clear. And it was totally cool! Joel suggested that we turn tomorrow night's fellowship group into another prayer vigil at the hospital and everyone agreed.

Then Anna called the hospital (late this afternoon) to check on Jewel's condition and found out that the surgery had gone well–even better than expected. They removed the bullet and the damage was less than they originally thought. Still, she hadn't regained consciousness yet. But we're feeling more hopeful–and still praying.

The weekend was full–with several prayer vigils for Jewel plus work on the cultural fair, and as a result I never even had time to write in my diary! But the good news is, Jewel has regained consciousness! The less than good news is that she's sustained some serious brain damage (no big surprise when you consider what she's been through). But according to Anna (who got to visit her tonight), the doctor said it's not nearly as bad as they'd expected. And he thinks she can recover–mostly anyway–but she may never be the same as before. And she'll have to relearn how to do all the simple things like walking and talking and eating–kind of like being a baby again. And Anna said that in a few days they will want people to start visiting her, regularly.

Anna said that Jewel's family (a single mom and two younger brothers) are all pretty overwhelmed by everything and could really use any help they can get (including financial). So I called up Tony and asked if we could put the word out at church and see if people want to donate money to help them out. And Tony asked how I'd feel about seeing some of the funds from the cultural fair going to Jewel's family, the Garcias. And, at first, I felt slightly protective of the Mexican orphan kids, but then I realized how totally selfish that was–and how God is big enough to take care of everyone. So I said, “Sure, but shouldn't the whole committee vote on it?”

“Yeah, but I just wanted to run it by you first, since
this whole thing was your idea to start with.”

And so we'll bring it up at the committee meeting this week. I'm thinking they'll probably agree. Because as my grandma has been known to say, Charity begins at home. And I'm thinking if you can't help the people right around you, how can you expect to help those who are far away?

Well, I suppose I should feel something, but I don't. I got an acceptance letter from the university today. Mom and Dad were just totally thrilled because they were afraid I'd get stuck at the community college. (And even though they'd tried to pretend that would be okay, I knew they were hoping for better.) The problem is, I was still hoping the university would be full by now. But in light of everything that's gone on lately, I'm thinking, who cares? I mean, sheesh, I should just be thankful I'm getting to graduate and go to college. Right? When I consider poor Jewel stuck in the hospital and having to relearn everything, well, I should just be thankful. And so I'm not going to worry about it. God must know what He's up to.

Maybe I'm mature enough that I can handle being on the same campus as Josh without totally going to pieces. And right now I'm thinking it's pretty funny how wigged-out I'd been about all that. How totally lame! Still, I wish I could feel a little more enthusiasm about the whole thing. And I'm thinking I would be–if I were going to the Christian college. (I know Jenny and Beanie and Anna are
enthused.) So, I guess I'll be like Scarlett O'Hara and just think about all that tomorrow.

First, I'm happy to report that the fair committee thought it'd be great to share the proceeds with Jewel's family. In fact, they were so supportive they decided to make it a fifty-fifty split (which I must admit seemed overly generous to me). okay, I know I'm sounding all selfish again. And this isn't anything I would tell anyone. But maybe my problem is that I'm just limiting God again. I mean, I should just be praying that He'll really bless the event and raise twice as much money as before. And so that's what I'll do!

On another note, I got an e-mail from Josh today. I had e-mailed him and told him that I'd most likely be going to the university with him in the fall. But you know what he told me????

He said that he'd applied to go to Bible college and that although he hadn't heard back yet, he believed he'd be accepted–and as a result wouldn't be anywhere near the state university next fall. Well, go figure! Now, I suppose I should be jumping up and down with relief. But to be perfectly honest, I'm feeling a little let down. Now, is that lame or what? I mean, here I've gone on and on about how terrified I am to be “alone and on campus” with Josh Miller (sounds pretty dumb now), but suddenly it's no longer a threat,
and I'm disappointed.
All
I can say is: Caitlin O'Conner, you are one flaky chick! But I'll keep that little piece of information to myself (just in case anyone else out there hasn't already caught on). Anyway, I e-mailed back to Josh saying how great it was that he was going to Bible school and how I was proud of him And then of course I remembered how he had mentioned all this at Urbana last winter–how he might like to become a preacher and all. But like so many things, I guess it just went in one ear and out the other. Oh, my…

I didn't say anything about this to Chloe. (She went to the meeting with me again tonight–we were organizing booths and stuff.) I figured Josh could tell her (if he hasn't already). But Chloe and I ended up talking a lot about what happened to Jewel. I hadn't really seen Chloe since that whole thing, and she had read about it in the paper and was naturally curious since half the proceeds from the fair are going to their family and all.

“Why did she try to kill herself?” Chloe asked as we drove from the church to her house.

“Well, I don't know if anyone knows for sure, since she didn't write a note or anything, but the word is she was devastated because her boyfriend broke up with her.”

“That's what I would've guessed.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, that got me pretty down.”

“Did you ever consider anything like that?” I glanced at this little rebel sitting in the passenger seat of my car.

She nodded. “Yeah. Not with a gun though. I would've used pills.”

I groaned. “Oh, Chloe, you wouldn't do anything like that now, would you?”

She shrugged. “You never know.”

“But just because you go through a time when things look really bleak, don't you realize that it's going to get better?”

“Maybe I do right now, but not when I'm feeling really depressed. Then all I feel is hopeless.”

“Would you like to go visit Jewel with me sometime?” I suggested, although I'm not even sure why.

She shrugged again. “I don't know.”

“They say she's going to need a lot of visitors to stimulate her and help her to get better. We're making a roster at school so we can take turns seeing her. I'd like it if you wanted to come with me, especially since you're on the fair committee and we're donating half the proceeds.” I knew this was kind of a lame excuse on my part, but suddenly it seemed important that Chloe (who still seemed somewhat casual about this whole suicide thing) should come see firsthand what this is really like.

“Okay, I guess I could come.”

“Good. I'll call and let you know my time slot.”

At the fellowship tonight
, we took time to remember that exactly one year ago, Clay (and two others) were shot at McFadden High. Pastor Tony visited us and spoke briefly about life and death and violence and God's love. And it was really powerful. For one thing, we had more kids than ever (a result, I'm sure, of Jewel's suicide attempt), but the amazing thing was how everyone seemed so eager to really “hear” the truth tonight. I mean, so many times we've had the fellowship group and it's been pretty lighthearted and well, almost trivial. And I'm not saying that's wrong–in fact, I'm sure it was absolutely right–almost like it was building this foundation of trust or something.

Anyway, tonight kids were really touched by Tony's words. (He even asked us to continue praying for the shooter who was convicted and sentenced as an adult but has been willing to meet with Tony.) And afterward I
saw a lot of quiet conversations going on between Greg and Tony and some of the kids who appear to be sincerely searching. But perhaps the most amazing of those was when Jamal (brought tonight by Joel) asked to speak to Tony alone. We all could see how much he's been hurting this week. And he hasn't talked to anyone and mostly just walks around school with his head hanging down. Even Natala softened up and actually felt sorry for him this past week, but he wouldn't even talk to her.