Read Who Moved My Blackberry? Online
Authors: Lucy Kellaway
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
All Staff
Hiâco-colleagues may have been as surprised as I was re an e-mail sent out this afternoon under my name to all staff. This message mentioned the children's characters, Pinky and Perky. I'm mystified as to the meaning of this and can only assume that some prankster was at my terminal. If anyone has any light to throw on the matter, please contact myself, or my PA, Keri Tartt.
Best, Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
IT Director
Hi, can you get one of your team to investigate the issue of security. I have just had someone else sending out e-mails apparently from me. In this department alone we have much intellectual capital with untold value. It is IMPERATIVE that we have adequate fire walls in place.
Martin
From:
Keith Buxton
To:
All Staff
Hi!
The first ABC workshops have been exceeding expectations. I was privileged to attend the London oneâwhere everyone got a lot closer to each other. In the course of the day Roger Wright shared the interesting fact that he collects first world war helmets, Jenny Withers told us that her ambition is to write a novel, and Faith Preston told us about her gold medal in salsa dancing.
The power of the role play exercise to unleash the spirit was phenomenal. It would be invidious to single out the performance of any individual, but Christo Weinberg as Frank Zappa for creovation was inspired. Jenny Withers was a fabulous Pollyanna, and Martin Lukes' Gandhi was unforgettableâas was his Indian accent!
It is now time to move on to the next plank of the project, which is a 360 degree exercise. I would like everybody to ask three colleagues to grade them on a scale of one to 10 on the six behaviors, and then e-mail the grades to me. Choose one person who reports to you, one who you report to, and one who is a peer. And then I will ask you to assess yourselves, before embarking on a thorough scientific assessment of all team members.
Keith
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Pandora@CoachworX!
I'm a bit down because it's my birthday today. At the end of the day, I don't want to be 44. I hate birthdays at the best of times, but this year I got no cards at all. I asked Jens for a juicer, so that I could make celery and fennel pick-me-up, but she got me something that squeezes oranges, which is hopeless, as Donna says citrus is much too acidic for me.
Martin
From:
Pandora@CoachworX!
To:
Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
Where's the positive headset?? The passing of another year is a HUGE celebration, not something to be depressed about.
Did you know you have three ages, Martin? Your chronological age, your biological age, and your mental age. Only by the first measure are you getting older. The other two measures are much more important, and if you focus on them you can get younger, as young as you like. By self care you can roll back your biological age. You can also turn back your psychological age by surrounding yourself with younger people. By rethinking your wardrobe. Martin you are not 44. You are whatever age you want to be!!
Happy Birthday!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jake Lukes
Hi Jake
Good to get your message, though can I remind you that the traditional way of celebrating someone's birthday is to give them a present, not to ask them for more money. The answer is no, your allowance must last till the end of the month. But once your exams are out of the way, I may give you a little extra.
Love Dad
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keri Tartt
Dearest Pinky. Thank you so much. I've never worn combat trousers before, but it's going to be my new lookâPandora says that by being with you and wearing younger clothes I am making the clock go backwards. Can't be bad! Don't sulk at me about this eveningâJens has invited friends round for a not very surprising surprise party. Can't we celebrate at lunchtime?
M xx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Graham Wallace
Grahamâ
Ha, ha very funny. Actually Keri thinks they look great on me. Just because I'm 41, doesn't mean I have to dress it.
Am assuming that you and I are doing each other's ABC forms? Let's agree on a marking system: no marks lower than 7 and an average of about 8.5. Are you going to get Rog to do it as your boss? As I've completely blown it with him, I may have to ask Keith.
M
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keith Buxton
Hi Keith
I just wanted to touch base to say what a sensational job we all think you are doing with Project ABC. Btw, I wondered if you could do my behaviors rating for me? I feel that you know my strengths (and weaknesses!!!) better than anyoneâI'd be delighted to return the favor.
All my very bestest
Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keri Tartt
PinkyâBoring horrible evening, and cost me an arm and a leg. I thought about you all the time. This mate of mine from Goldmans went on and on about how much money he's making, and Jens was tired and bad tempered.
I'm filling in your ABC formâcan u do mine??
Love you
Perky
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Faith Preston
Hi FaithâI don't understand your message. I haven't got a daughter, and she hasn't had an accident ⦠???
Cheers Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Withers
Darlingâ
That's fantastic! OF COURSE you should go. West Midlands CBI is a fantastic forum for you! Don't worry about meâI can hold the fort and make sure Jake is prepared for his GCSEs. It's only one night. Go and show them what you're made of!
Love you
Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keri Tartt
Kinky Pinkyâ
Perky's got some fantastic news! J is off to Birmingham tomorrow night to keynote to some boring midlands businessmen about pushing the communications envelope, or something.
I need to pop into the hospital to see mum, then will meet you at One Aldwych. The au pair knows I'm going to be out ⦠so long as I'm back by 2am ⦠should be ok ⦠we can have 7 whole hours together ⦠can't wait ⦠Corporal v excited.
Porky Perky xxx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jake Lukes
Hi Jake
How was your history GCSE today? Hope not too horrendous.
Fraid something has come up at work ⦠probably won't be back till late. Svetlana will make supper, make sure you get to bed at a reasonable time ⦠and are fresh for your maths exam tomorrow.
Dad
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jake Lukes
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU THINK YOU Were DOING LAST NIGHT????? SVETLANA SAYS YOU WENT OUT DRINKING, GOT HOME DRUNK AFTER MIDNIGHT, THREW UP AND Were LATE FOR YOUR EXAM THIS MORNING. THIS WAS UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, EVEN BY YOUR RECENT STANDARDS.
DAD
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Withers
Hi Darlingâhope your speech went well last night, was keeping my fingers crossed. Sorry I wasn't at home when you called ⦠I had to pop out for a swift half with Peter next door. Everything fine this end. See you later.
Love you M xxx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jake Lukes
I don't like the tone of your messageâit is not your business where I was last night, though if you must know I was out with Graham and some clients, missed the last train so stayed at his place.
Can I suggest a deal? Your mother is going to go absolutely ballistic when she finds out about your GCSE. So I suggest that we do not tell her. In return I would be grateful if you did not mention that I was out all night. Your mother doesn't approve of Graham, so it might make life easier if she didn't know.
Is that a deal?
Dad
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jake Lukes
What do you mean “whatever”? This matters. Do we have a deal?
Text message to Svetlana. Sent 10:42
Best not to mention anything about yesterday to Jens. I know nothing was your fault, but she might blame you ⦠Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keri Tartt
PinkyâProbably best if we cancel our afternoon assignment. I'm meant to be writing my own assessment so I need to give it some serious headspace ⦠Don't put any calls through to me, and if any team members try to see me, tell them to go away.
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keri Tartt
Kinky pinky, don't be silly. You of all people should understand how important being an A is to me. The corporal is sulking, but I've told him he'll see some action tomorrow.
Love you
(still) porky perky
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Withers
Darlingâhow are you going to approach this self assessment thing? If I give myself 10 for everything, do you think they might smell a rat? But if I give less I might lose out to people like Graham and Christo who are so boastful ⦠how are you going to play it? M
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Withers
What do you mean: “just be honest”????? That's no help at all.
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
DonnaAdonis@Bodybuild
Hi, Donna.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel tonight. I'm totally snowed under here, but will work out at home tonight.
See you tomorrow. Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Graham Wallace
Jesus, I've just seen the ABC forms we're meant to fill in for our teams. They are 62 pages long and I've got 37 people to do! Don't these consultants realize we have work to do?? Mart
Shall we have a large drink?
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
DonnaAdonis@Bodybuild
Hi Donnaâreally sorry am going to have to cancel again. Rest assured, I'm working hard on my machines at home. This week I'm concentrating on the isolation, definition intensity and focus of my abdominals.
Will do Tuesday without fail.
Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Bettina Schmidt
Hi Bettina
In reply to your message, yes I shall be doing an assessment of you. I know that you have only been on my team a short while, but don't worry about thatâI'll talk to your line manager in Düsseldorf ⦠and we can build up a behavior profile of you together. If you want to talk, my door is always open.
Cheers, Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Bettina Schmidt
Sorry, can't do nowâmake an appointment with Keri.
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Christo Weinberg
ChristoâThanks for sending me the reminder of all your wins in the last year. I shall of course take them all into account.
Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
All Marketing
TeamâVarious members of the team have expressed concern at the ABC procedure. I appreciate that this is an uncertain time for everybody. However, I hope I don't need to tell you that I shall be thinking long and hard about each of the forms. I suggest that for the time being you channel your concerns into your work. We don't want to let anyone accuse this team of taking its eye off the ball!
Best, Martin
From:
Pandora@CoachworX!
To:
Martin Lukes
Martin,
Congratulations! You have reached the halfway mark of Executive Bronze. This is always a moving moment. Half the program in the past, and the other half still in the future! I feel that you have come such a very long way. Your body is stronger and more grounded. You are getting younger. When I first met you, you were someone who used the word can't. I haven't heard you say that in ages.
I want you to give yourself a treat or a present. You deserve it, Martin. And when you give it to yourself I want you to say: I love me. I love my body. I look and feel fantastic, over and over.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keri Tartt
PinkyâI've booked us the bridal suite at the Canning Town Novotel for the afternoon. Champagne, rich chocolate fudge cake, the works. Pandora says I deserve it.
Perky
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keri Tartt
PinkyâYes, I am cheesed off. It was meant to be a treat for me, and after the grim evening on my birthday I felt I deserved it. Frankly I didn't appreciate you rushing off in a huff. To say that I am “self-obsessed” was really below the belt. I spend my entire life thinking about others, whether it is you, Jens, mum, the boys, my team, etc etc. The reason I was whispering that to myself was part of Exec Bronze. Of course I love you, and your body too. You are fantastic. Goes without saying.