Why Women Have Sex (11 page)

Cultural expectations can also influence a woman’s orgasm ability. Anthropologists who have studied sexuality in women across the globe find that in societies where women are expected to enjoy sex as much as men do, the women have orgasms. Lots of them. For example, Mangaian women are taught to have not just one orgasm but preferably two or three to each one of their male partner’s. Mangaian men who fail to give their partners multiple orgasms are not held in high esteem. (Air Rarotonga currently offers four flights per week to Mangaia—the most southerly of the Cook Islands.) By contrast, in cultures where people believe women’s orgasms are either unimportant or do not exist, women have more difficulty attaining orgasm. The best explanation for this
finding is that if a woman is expected to have an orgasm, she is more likely to be willing to learn or to be taught how. Unlike men, most women do actually have to
learn
how to have an orgasm.

If a woman is unable to have an orgasm because she is distracted from enjoying sexual sensations, the best way to resolve this difficulty is to explore, perhaps with the help of a therapist, what the various distractions are and how to get rid of them. Here is how one woman described her sexual pleasure after liberating herself from sexual guilt:

After years of feeling conflicted about the idea of having sex with someone simply because of attraction and the thought that the experience may be fun and satisfying, I have completely owned that desire. I regularly enjoy the thrill of seduction and guiltless, enjoyable sex. I think sex is fantastic. It may even qualify as my favorite hobby. I feel as though I have a strong sex drive and don’t see any reason to limit the action on my desire. I enjoy feeling the sense of attraction, flirting, assessing the interest of the other person, and, when the other person is attracted, I look forward to exploring uninhibited sexual experiences.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 33

On the other hand, if a woman is unable to have an orgasm because she is not receiving sufficient pleasurable stimulation, then the best treatment for her is something called “directed masturbation.” Directed masturbation involves a series of self-exploration exercises that a woman performs by herself. The purpose is to learn to locate sensitive areas that produce feelings of sexual arousal, and then to manually stimulate those areas to increase the pleasure intensity until “something happens.” Many studies of the technique have noted a phenomenal success rate for treating women who have never had an orgasm. One study found that two months after treatment 100 percent of the nonorgasmic women were able to attain an orgasm during masturbation and 47 percent were able to attain an orgasm during intercourse. These women had met for ten sessions with a therapist who taught them how to conduct the directed masturbation exercises at home. But the same study also showed high
success rates among women who simply read about the exercises as opposed to having a therapist teach them. Forty-seven percent of these women who had never before had an orgasm became orgasmic during masturbation and 13 percent became orgasmic during intercourse. The book
Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women
, by Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo, provides women with an excellent step-by-step guide for conducting directed masturbation exercises.

Just as there has been much scientific discussion about what exactly an orgasm is, there has been a great deal of debate as to whether the female orgasm serves an adaptive function or whether it is merely an incidental byproduct, much as male nipples are by-products of evolutionary development with no apparent function. Because the various physiological changes during a woman’s orgasm could increase her chance of becoming pregnant, women’s orgasms could serve a reproductive purpose. From an evolutionary perspective, orgasms could possibly even provide information on the quality of a man’s genes and the likelihood he would make a good father, thus contributing to long-term fitness.

Early theorists hypothesized that when women had an intercourse-induced orgasm, the orgasm activated ovulation and that allowed conception to occur. Although intercourse-induced ovulation does occur in some species, this idea was discarded when it was shown that women ovulate in the middle of their menstrual cycle, regardless of whether either intercourse or orgasm occurs. Later theorists proposed that the contractions that occur during orgasm in women cause a sort of uterine suction that moves ejaculated sperm through the cervix, uterus, and fallopian tubes much more efficiently. However, studies have now shown that the quickest way to transport sperm into a woman’s uterus is when she is in a sexually unaroused state.

As described earlier, during sexual arousal the vagina expands and the uterus and cervix elevate. These changes provide a temporary barrier that reduces the chances of ejaculated sperm rapidly entering into
the uterus. This gives the sperm time to undergo a sort of natural selection process whereby the healthy sperm have a better chance of being transported through the fallopian tubes and the incompetent sperm are left behind. Orgasm comes into play by dissipating arousal. At that moment, the passageway is opened for the better sperm to make their journey into the fallopian tubes. One study found that women have more frequent orgasms when their partner is physically symmetrical rather than asymmetrical. As we saw in chapter 1, this finding suggests that women’s orgasms may help to secure healthier genes, which might be passed on to a woman’s children.

One interesting and rather controversial theory of the purpose for women’s orgasms is that women are able to use orgasm as a means for manipulating ejaculate into their vagina. When a man ejaculates into a woman’s vagina, only a small portion of the semen and fluid make their way through the cervix. The remainder, referred to as “flowback,” seeps out of the woman’s vagina. According to this argument, the amount of flowback containing sperm varies with the timing of the woman’s orgasm in relation to the time the sperm was deposited into her vagina. In other words, precisely
when
a woman has an orgasm determines how much sperm gets through. Low sperm retention is believed to be associated with women’s orgasms that occur less than one minute before ejaculation, and maximum sperm retention occurs when orgasm takes place shortly after sperm is deposited. If a woman has an orgasm more than one minute before the man ejaculates, then sperm retention is, according to one study, the same as if orgasm did not occur. Orgasms, by producing a sense of calm and relaxation, lead some women to lie back and relax after sex. Remaining horizontal reduces the amount of sperm flowback and could also facilitate the chances of conception.

Another way that women’s orgasms could play a role in the reproductive process is that, for women who are with men who are slow to ejaculate, the vaginal contractions that occur during orgasm can facilitate ejaculation. And when the hormone prolactin is released during orgasm, it may enter into the vaginal, cervical, or uterine fluids, where it can influence calcium entry into sperm. This in turn helps to facilitate sperm entry into the woman’s genital tract.

Orgasm could conceivably increase a woman’s reproductive success
by improving her chances of getting pregnant through these various physiological means. But they could also do so via a more psychological avenue. To the extent that orgasms can be an immensely enjoyable experience, they could serve as a “lure” or “reward” for women to have intercourse with a particular partner. According to this view, women in our evolutionary past who experienced the sexual rewards of orgasm were more motivated to have sex than women who did not have orgasms. High motivation would lead to a higher frequency of sex and hence a greater chance of pregnancy and reproduction.

In evolutionary terms, reproductive success means not only being able to reproduce, but also having the resources and abilities to care for the child long enough to ensure its survival. To this end, being able to have an orgasm with a certain man could serve as a mate selection device. From the partner’s perspective, if a woman is able to have an orgasm with him, it sends him a signal that she is sexually satisfied and therefore less likely to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. When men are assured of their paternity they are more likely to remain committed to a woman and invest in her children.

Caring about a woman’s sexual pleasure enough to take the time to learn what turns her on and gives her an orgasm is also a good marker of “sexual selflessness.” To the extent that this sexual selflessness might extend to other arenas, it may be a sign that the man would make a better long-term partner and father than a sexually selfish one would. So, by choosing to stay with someone with whom she is orgasmic, a woman might be selecting a mate who will stick around and generously invest in her and her children. Which brings us to love.

When two people are first together, their hearts are on fire and their passion is very great. After a while, the fire cools and that’s how it stays. They continue to love each other, but it’s in a different way—warm and dependable.

—Nisa, !Kung woman from Botswana

 

Psychologists have shown that feeling loved by and emotionally connected to another person are important predictors of a person’s overall happiness and satisfaction with life. The denial of such emotions sent more than one of Shakespeare’s protagonists to tragic ends: In addition to the usual suspects of Romeo and Juliet, Cleopatra poisoned herself with a snake and Ophelia went mad and drowned.

In our study, the pursuit of love and emotional attachment led many women to the bedchamber. In fact, of the more than two hundred reasons given for having sex, love and emotional closeness were ranked in the top twelve for women. What are these emotions that are so powerful they can evoke fear and despair, happiness and contentment, and can lead to behaviors with euphoric, sad, or tragic endings? Why have scientists studying the brain concluded that love is like a mental disorder or a drug addiction? Can we change a person’s ability or desire to bond to someone by changing his or her brain chemicals in the same way we are able to in animals? Can having sex with someone we are only mildly attracted to make our brains release chemicals that keep us attached? In this chapter we explore the powerful emotions of love and bonding and how and why they are integrally linked to women’s sexuality.