With or Without You (12 page)

Instinctively, she looked up and could just about make out a dark, curly head leaning out of his window. She smiled, despite herself, and headed into the hotel towards the lifts. After what
seemed like ages, she arrived at the eighth floor and knocked at the door of his room, by now feeling nervous and again wondering why she was doing this. But as soon as the door swung open and
Charlie greeted her with a wide, warm smile, she knew she had done the right thing.

‘I brought back your clothes.’ She held out the carrier bag containing his sweatpants and t-shirt.

‘Thank you.’ Charlie took the bag and led her into the suite. ‘I’ve got something for you too . . .’

Martha followed him in. ‘You said.’

Charlie glanced back at her with a sweet smile before disappearing into the bedroom. Martha frowned to herself and shook her head. What was he up to? A few seconds later he emerged carrying a
stone-coloured dress on a hanger.

‘Is that . . . my dress?’ Martha frowned again, her weary brain unable to compute.

‘No. It’s a new one that is exactly the same as your dress.’

Martha shook her head, feeling the tingling sensation behind her nose that signified fresh tears. ‘I can’t believe you did that,’ she murmured, her voice thick. ‘Thank
you.’

Charlie laid the dress over a chair and waved his hand dismissively before motioning for Martha to sit down. ‘So,’ he said, once they were perched on the pale blue sofas facing each
other. ‘What can I get you? Tea, coffee or hard liquor?’

Martha bit her lip, which had started to quiver dangerously. ‘I’m not sure what I want . . . I don’t know why I’m even here . . . This is ridiculous,’ she finished
with a whimper. She could feel fresh tears sliding down her face and she swept them away irritably. ‘Sorry,’ she added, embarrassed.

Charlie looked at her with an expression that she read as sympathetic but which could also have been awkwardness. She hoped he wouldn’t feel the need to move over to her sofa and comfort
her. She needed space. To her relief, he stayed where he was. ‘You don’t have to apologise,’ he said, shaking his head slightly. ‘Never apologise. Why don’t I get you
some coffee and then maybe you can tell me all about it?’

He got up and poured coffee from the silver pot on the stone table into a fine china cup. Then he added a tiny bit of milk, just as she had asked for yesterday. He slid the cup towards her then
poured his own, which he took black. Suddenly his mobile phone rang and he looked at her apologetically.

‘Sorry,’ he said, leaving the phone unanswered until it went to voicemail.

‘Why don’t you see who it is?’ Martha prompted, feeling conspicuous in her misery and keen for him to leave her alone for a minute.

‘OK. Excuse me a sec?’ he said, as he disappeared into the bedroom with the phone.

As soon as he had gone, Martha began to cry, glad that she could do it in private. Through her sobs, she was dimly aware of him speaking on the phone in the other room, before he returned
carrying a box of tissues, which he put down beside her. Then he sat back down on the opposite sofa and looked at her expectantly.

Martha took a sip of her coffee, trying to compose herself. ‘I’ve had . . . a bit of a shock,’ she managed, looking up and meeting his eye.

He nodded. ‘Do you want to talk about it? Don’t worry if you don’t. We can either chat or I can make myself scarce?’

‘No!’ Martha said, a little too quickly. ‘No. I really need to talk about it. It just feels strange talking about it to
you
. We barely know each other.’

Charlie nodded. ‘I think that’s probably a good thing. Consider me a free therapist. You’re lucky, I had to pay for mine!’

Martha felt the faint trace of a smile play on her lips. Of course, Charlie had been through all this himself. He would understand more than most. ‘Well,’ she began tentatively,
‘I discovered this morning that my husband . . .’ She had to stop speaking for a second to recover her composure. ‘My husband has been having an affair—’

Her voice broke and she felt the tears starting to slide down her cheeks again. She grabbed a tissue from the box beside her and dabbed as delicately as she could at her face. She stole a glance
at Charlie, who was looking at her with such a pitying expression that she almost felt as though he was embracing her.

‘And the way I found out,’ she continued as strongly as she could, ‘was by finding photos of them having sex on his computer.’

‘Oh God,’ Charlie murmured, looking shocked. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Martha continued to cry quietly for a few moments.

‘Did you have . . . any suspicions?’ Charlie asked after a while. ‘Is that why you were looking at his computer?’

Martha blew her nose and shook her head. ‘No. That’s why it was such a shock. Jamie is such a devoted father and, I thought, husband. He’s literally the last person in the
world you’d expect to do something like that. Ironically, I was looking for a photo of him to superimpose on your head, so that he wasn’t upset about those pictures of
us
leaving the hotel together. I wasn’t snooping. I’ve never felt the need to snoop. I trusted him completely.’

‘Oh God,’ Charlie said again. ‘I’m so sorry.’

The kindness of his tone set Martha off again and this time she didn’t cry quietly, she literally howled with anguish. ‘The pain . . .’ she gulped between sobs. ‘ . . .
is physical. I feel as though I’ve been kicked in the stomach repeatedly.’

Charlie nodded and finally got up and came to sit beside her. He reached out and took her hand, which he stroked gently. ‘I know exactly what you mean,’ he murmured. ‘I
remember it so well.’

Martha sniffed hard to try and quell the outpouring of grief and looked up at Charlie. His dark eyes looked pained, whether for her or for himself she didn’t know, but she knew that they
mirrored her own. ‘But . . . it passes, right?’ she asked, her tone slightly pleading.

Charlie hesitated. ‘Yes,’ he said at last. ‘I suppose you could say it passes.’

‘How long does it take?’

He looked away and didn’t answer for a long time. ‘Well, I guess that depends . . .’ he said finally.

‘On what?’

‘On whether the cause of that pain remains in your life.’

Martha’s stomach froze. Even though she had told Jamie their marriage was over, she wasn’t sure she could really picture her life without him. She imagined the years stretching
ahead, with them living separate lives. She imagined Mimi’s wedding day, Jamie walking her down the aisle while Martha looked on. Would they both have new partners by then? She imagined
Christmases where they had to take it in turns to have the children. College graduations. Shared custody. Separate houses. It was all too awful to contemplate and she put her head in her hands.
Jamie hadn’t just ruined their marriage, he had destroyed their children’s future happiness too.

‘Where is he now?’ Charlie asked, pouring more coffee.

‘At home.’

‘Does he know where you are?’

‘No.’

Charlie nodded. ‘What about the children? You’ve got two, haven’t you? Are they aware of what’s gone on?’

At the mention of the children, Martha groaned. ‘I told them I wasn’t feeling well. I think they bought it. I
hope
they bought it.’

All the while, Charlie continued to stroke Martha’s hand, soothing her frayed nerves.

She looked up at him apologetically. ‘I’m sorry. I know you must have loads to do. I shouldn’t have come . . .’

‘Shhhhh . . .’ Charlie interrupted her. ‘Of course you should. I asked you to. What do you want to do now? Are you hungry?’

Martha shook her head miserably, not knowing what to do with herself.

‘OK,’ Charlie said, getting up. ‘Why don’t you go and have a long, hot bath and I’ll order up some food. If you don’t want it, that’s fine, but at least
you’ll have the option.’

Even though she’d had a bath at home, the thought of a soak in Charlie’s beautiful large bathtub was desperately appealing. ‘Are you sure?’ she asked, still not quite
able to believe she was sitting in the hotel suite of one of Britain’s biggest film stars, pouring out her tales of marital woe.

‘I’m sure,’ Charlie replied emphatically, reaching out a hand to pull her up.

Martha took it gratefully. Her legs were trembling and she realised that all she had had today was coffee, which had only added to her shakiness. ‘Thank you,’ she said, looking up at
him to try to convey that she was thanking him for so many things.

‘No problem,’ he replied, flashing her a sad smile. ‘Do you want me to run the bath for you?’

Martha smiled back and shook her head. ‘No, I think that might be what’s called “above and beyond”, but thank you all the same.’

She walked stiffly towards the bathroom, where she had discovered the gaping hole in her dress yesterday. So much had happened since then. She closed the door behind her and looked at herself in
the giant mirror above the double sink. In just twenty-four hours she had become a completely different person. She felt older, more haggard, and above all she felt as if Jamie had smashed every
ounce of confidence out of her, as surely as if he had hit her repeatedly with a hammer.

She filled the huge bathtub and added some of the Jo Malone bath oil that was on the side. Stepping into the comfortingly hot water, she had a sudden memory of her and Jamie, staying at a spa
for the weekend, getting into a similar bath together, her leaning back against his naked body while he soaped and stroked her breasts. Had he done that with
her
?

The dull pain in her chest that had been there ever since she saw those photos suddenly intensified and she cried out. Immediately, she heard Charlie’s footsteps running towards the door.
‘Martha!’ he called out. ‘Are you OK?’

‘Yes!’ Martha replied in a strangled voice.

‘You don’t sound OK,’ Charlie said through the door.

‘I am,’ she said, trying to sound stronger than she felt.

There was a pause and she could hear Charlie sitting down on the floor. She imagined him leaning with his back against the door, his long legs stretched out in front of him. The thought that he
was there, guarding her, was at once soothing and comforting and the pain in her chest began to ease.

Later, when she was out of the bath, Martha and Charlie sat on the sofas and ate the chicken soup he had ordered from room service. She had no appetite, but as soon as Charlie
started eating she realised that she was absolutely starving.

‘You look like you needed that,’ Charlie remarked, watching as she wiped her mouth with the thick cloth napkin.

‘Sorry.’ Martha shook her head. ‘I didn’t realise how hungry I was.’

‘After Liv . . .’ Charlie began, then stopped.

Martha looked up at him in surprise. So far, they hadn’t talked about what Liv had done. They had only focused on the early years of his relationship, on the happy times. Martha had sensed
that it would be hard for Charlie to talk about the split, so she had proceeded gently.

‘After Liv,’ he repeated, ‘I fell apart, both mentally and physically. People joke about the heartbreak diet but it’s nothing to laugh about. It’s so important, to
help you get through this, that you look after yourself. It’s important for you and it’s important for your kids.’

Martha nodded, recognising the truth in his words.

‘Right now, you feel as though your whole life has ended and your heart will never heal. But it will. In time.’

Martha allowed herself to be soothed by his voice and his gaze to hold hers. ‘Thank you,’ she murmured at last.

‘So,’ he said, breaking the emotion of the moment as a sudden glint of mischief appeared in his eyes. ‘I have an idea.’

‘Oh?’ Martha frowned, wondering what was coming next. The whole day had taken on a surreal quality and she felt like nothing could surprise her again.

‘I think you should come with me to LA for a couple of days.’

Nothing except that, she thought, as her mouth dropped open in shock. ‘I can’t,’ she replied automatically.

‘Why not? You need something to take your mind off what’s happened. Plus, we need to push on with the memoirs and I’ve got meetings in LA that might be relevant to the book.
It’s your
job
to come with me!’ His grin took away any barb that may have been contained within his words.

Martha paused to formulate her thoughts. ‘I can’t come because I have two children who will be wondering where the hell I am. Because you are a huge movie star. Because I don’t
know you from Adam.’

Charlie’s eyes danced. He held up three fingers. ‘OK, firstly, your children will be fine with your husband.’ He pushed down one of the fingers. ‘Presumably you often
have to go away for your job?’

Martha nodded slowly.

‘Me being a movie star is irrelevant . . . except that it means I can afford to take you with me,’ he continued, pushing down another finger. ‘And finally, I don’t know
who the hell Adam is, but I think you know me well enough to know that you will be quite safe with me.’ He pushed down the final finger. ‘So, what do you say?’

Martha smiled. ‘I say you’re crazy.’

Charlie considered it for a minute. ‘Of course I’m crazy. But don’t forget I’ve been where you are. I know exactly how you feel right now and I think a bit of crazy might
be just what you need.’

‘You’re really serious?’

Charlie raised his eyebrows. ‘Deadly.’

‘When?’

‘Tonight.’

Martha shook her head. ‘No. There’s no way I can get all my bits and pieces together and come to LA tonight . . .’

‘You don’t need anything except your passport,’ Charlie persisted. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve got it on you?’

Martha hesitated. ‘Well, yes, actually. I always carry it in case I need ID’.

Charlie raised his eyebrows. ‘That sounds like fate to me. I’ll get Jess, my assistant, to go out and buy you the essentials. Really, Martha, do it. Just get on that plane with me
tonight.’

In Martha’s head, she pictured Jamie at home, waiting for her return. He would be a mess. And as for the children . . . No, she couldn’t do it.

But just as the thought left her head, she realised that she couldn’t face going home tonight either. She didn’t want to look into Jamie’s lying eyes and feel any kind of
sympathy for him as he pleaded with her to give him another chance. Most of all, she didn’t want to have to put on an act for the children. Didn’t know if she even could. What if she
went home and fell apart in front of them? It would scare them and she couldn’t bear to think of them being unsettled or upset. Maybe it would be better for them if she
did
just
disappear for a couple of days?