With or Without You (17 page)

‘It’s me,’ Lindsay said in her brusque, northern twang.

Jamie’s heart plummeted. He had been hoping it was Martha. Even though he was terrified of what she might say to him, he was more terrified of her not calling at all. ‘Oh, hi,’
he managed.

‘What about Martha’s mum? Couldn’t she come down and look after them for a few days?’

‘But she’ll want to know why,’ Jamie’s insides churned at the thought of Jane’s wrath if she were to discover what he had done to her only daughter.

‘Then grow some balls and bloody well tell her!’ Lindsay snapped. ‘If she gives you a hard time, tough. You deserve it.’

‘Christ, Lindsay,’ Jamie sighed. ‘I’m not trying to wheedle out of anything here. I know what I’ve done is terrible . . .’

‘The worst,’ Lindsay hissed.

Jamie continued, trying to ignore her. ‘If I tell Jane the truth, she might refuse to have the kids. She might think Martha’s better off without me and not want me to go chasing
across the world after her.’

‘She won’t. Jane’s a grown-up. She’ll give you a hard time, sure, but she won’t refuse to have the kids. You know she won’t.’

Jamie thought about it. He was absolutely petrified at the idea of confessing all to Jane, who scared him even when she was feeling benevolent towards him. ‘I’ll think about
it,’ he sighed.

‘Well don’t think too long – you need to go and get her.’ She hung up without saying goodbye.

Jamie rolled onto all fours and stood up stiffly. He went out onto the landing, where he met Tom coming back from his regular early-morning visit to the bathroom. ‘Hey champ,’ he
smiled, ruffling Tom’s already dishevelled hair.

‘Hey,’ Tom replied, raising a lazy hand by way of salute as he headed for the stairs.

‘Listen, Tom,’ Jamie began. ‘What would you think about Granny coming to look after you for a few days?’

Tom looked back at Jamie and shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Fine,’ he said, before continuing down the stairs.

‘Why, where are you going?’ said Mimi, coming out of her room and startling Jamie.

‘Um, well, I thought I might go to LA to meet Mum for a few days.’ Jamie was aware that he couldn’t meet Mimi’s suspicious gaze.

‘Why? You don’t usually go.’

Jamie sighed. Mimi’s radar was so finely tuned that it was nigh on impossible to get anything past her. Unable to answer her straightaway, he reached out and pulled her into his embrace,
resting his chin on the top of her silky blonde hair, which smelt of sleep and shampoo. ‘Well, you know that I mentioned we had a bit of a row yesterday? I just thought I would surprise her
by going out there, to show that things are cool between us.’

‘But
are
things cool between you?’ Mimi murmured into his chest. ‘Because I don’t think they are. I think,’ she said, pulling away from Jamie and looking
up at him, ‘that she has run off with Charlie bloody buggery Simmons and that you want to go out there and have a fight with him to get her back’

Jamie almost smiled but his mouth wouldn’t let him. ‘She hasn’t run off with Charlie bloody buggery Simmons and I’m not going to have a fight with
anyone
. I just
want to see her and show her how much I love her.’

Mimi’s eyes narrowed but she shrugged. ‘You’re obviously not going to tell me what’s really going on . . . but I would be fine for Granny to come down for a few days to
look after us. In fact, I’d like to see her.’

‘Thanks, darling.’ Jamie stroked her face tenderly and cursed himself for the millionth time that he could have put the happiness of the three people he loved most in the world in
such jeopardy.

He went downstairs and prepared breakfast for the children, then set to work on their packed lunches, all the while trying to pluck up the courage to call Jane. On autopilot, he printed out some
puzzles from the Internet and put them in each of their lunchboxes, grimacing with shame as he realised that because of what had happened yesterday, he had completely forgotten to put anything in.
He knew he had to try to restore normality as quickly as possible. Mimi was already suspicious, but if he could just get through the next day or so, he might get away with it. At least as far as
the children were concerned.

He picked up the landline phone and scrolled through the pre-set numbers until he came to Jane’s. With a shaking hand, he pressed ‘Dial’.

‘Hello?’ Jane answered as curtly as she always did, her voice a combination of suspicion and worry.

‘Jane, it’s Jamie,’ he began.

‘What’s wrong? What’s happened?’ she said immediately, sounding panicked.

‘No! Nothing’s happened. Well, nothing terrible. I mean, nothing that I can really go into over the phone . . .’ Jamie was rambling and could feel the sweat starting to bead on
his forehead. ‘I just need your help with something . . .’

‘OK,’ Jane replied carefully. It was rare for Jamie to call her, let alone ask for her help, and he could tell that she didn’t trust him.

‘Martha’s had to go to LA for a few days, and I was thinking of going out there to surprise her.’

There was a pause. ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ Jane said. ‘Presumably she’s working, so she might not want to be distracted?’

‘I think she would quite like me to come,’ Jamie lied. ‘She’s feeling a bit homesick and she’s not working twenty-four hours a day, so we’d have some time to
be together.’ He hoped he sounded convincing.

‘Um, well, I suppose I could,’ Jane said after another interminable pause. ‘I’ll need to rearrange a few things. When were you thinking of going?’

‘As soon as possible,’ Jamie replied, trying not to feel frustrated at his mother-in-law’s lack of enthusiasm. She didn’t get to see the children that often. Surely she
should be delighted by the opportunity to spend some time with them? ‘Could you come now?’ he prompted.

‘
Now?
’ Jane repeated, sounding aghast. ‘Couldn’t you have given me a bit more notice?’

‘I only just thought of it!’ Jamie cried through gritted teeth. Now that he had decided to go, he wanted to get on a plane as quickly as possible.

Jane sighed heavily, as if the weight of the world was now resting on her shoulders. ‘Oh, OK then. I suppose you’ll want me to drive myself down?’

‘That would be great,’ Jamie admitted. He had so much to do and such a short space of time in which to do it that taking a couple of hours out to drive to Surrey would be an almighty
nuisance.

‘Fine,’ Jane said, with a large sigh that suggested it wasn’t really fine but that she would put up with it.

Jamie hung up, then logged onto the computer to see about getting a flight. His heart had started beating faster and he felt the first spark of optimism since Martha had made her awful
discovery. He felt as though he was doing something positive. Something to show her how serious he was about winning her back.

Having booked his flight, he texted Lindsay.

Leaving for LA today. Jane coming to look after the kids.

Normally, he would have signed off with a kiss, but he felt that Lindsay probably wouldn’t appreciate it under the circumstances.

Just as he was waiting for a reply, Mimi came into the kitchen, dressed and ready for school.

‘I’ve booked my flight and Granny’s coming,’ he told her, smiling reassuringly.

‘OK,’ Mimi said with a disconsolate sigh.

‘Hey,’ Jamie looked at her closely. ‘Everything’s going to be OK, you know?’

Mimi nodded without returning his gaze. ‘I’d better go,’ she added, picking up her lunchbox and heading for the door.

Jamie watched her go guiltily. ‘Love you,’ he said.

‘Whatever,’ she replied, closing the door behind her without a backward glance.

Just then, his phone beeped.

What do you want? A bloody medal?

Jamie shook his head at Lindsay’s text. Every single one of the women in his life hated him.

By the time Jane arrived, Jamie was packed and raring to go. He watched out of the window as his mother-in-law pulled onto the drive and climbed out of her Ford Fiesta, looking
around her with a slightly disdainful air.

‘Hi Jane!’ Jamie called, as he opened the front door and walked over to greet her with a stilted kiss on each cheek. Jane was a very attractive woman in her early sixties with
shoulder-length brown hair that was only just beginning to be flecked with grey, and a slim, toned figure that any woman would envy.

But even though she had only ever been pleasant to him, Jamie was terrified of her. Her grey-green eyes seemed to bore into him in a way that always made him feel as if she could see right
through him. And sure enough, as she walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table, once again he felt himself floundering in the spotlight of her incisive gaze.

‘So what’s going on then, James?’ she said matter-of-factly.

Jamie’s mouth dropped open, then closed again.

‘And don’t say “nothing” because I won’t believe you,’ Jane added.

‘Phew . . .’ Jamie exhaled as he sat down and faced her. ‘Well, I don’t know why you would think something was wrong . . .’ he stammered, playing for time.

‘You’ve been married to my daughter for all these years and never once have you felt the need to race across the world to see her at a moment’s notice when she’s on an
assignment. There’s obviously something wrong. You don’t have to tell me what it is but I suspect I can guess.’

Jamie swallowed. There was never any possibility of pulling the wool over Jane’s eyes. She was like a sniffer dog for the truth.

‘OK,’ he shrugged, resigned to having to confess. ‘OK, I’ll tell you. Before she left . . . Martha found out that I had . . .’ he tailed off again, unable to find
the words.

‘That you had had an affair,’ Jane finished the sentence for him. Her face remained impassive.

‘It was nothing,’ Jamie insisted, shaking his head. ‘It meant nothing.’

‘I hope you didn’t tell Martha that!’ Jane snapped.

Jamie frowned in confusion. ‘Yes, I did,’ he said, chewing his lip nervously. ‘Why?’

‘Because it’s pathetic, that’s why!’ Jane snapped. ‘Did you or did you not have sex more than once with someone other than Martha?’

‘Oh God,’ Jamie groaned.

‘Well?’ Jane pushed. ‘Did you?’

Miserably, Jamie nodded his head. ‘Yes,’ he mumbled.

‘Then it was a bloody affair!’ Jane hissed. ‘You claiming that “it meant nothing”’, she made speechmarks with her fingers while simultaneously shooting Jamie
a look of pure disgust, ‘only makes it worse. You need to man up and admit that you’re a cheating little shit and do whatever you can to make it up to Martha. And after everything
she’s done for you too!’

Jamie had always known that Jane was feisty but he had never seen her so fierce.

‘Well, that’s what I’m trying to do . . .’ he mumbled, when he found the ability to speak again.

‘And what about the woman?’ Jane spat.

‘What woman?’

‘The one you’ve been having an affair with!’ Jane’s eyes blazed with exasperation as she spoke.

‘What about her?’ Jamie shook his head, unsure what Jane was getting at.

‘Have you told her it’s over?’

‘Yes! No! Well, not exactly . . . I mean,’ he added, as Jane made as if she was going to leap across the table and hit him, ‘I mean that I didn’t need to “end
it” because it wasn’t a relationship.’

‘How long did it last?’

‘Six months,’ Jamie admitted sheepishly.

‘Well then it was a bloody relationship! Just like it was a bloody affair! God, you’re pathetic . . .’ she glared at him malevolently.

Jamie took a deep breath. ‘Look, Jane,’ he began, trying to meet her eye. ‘I know that what I’ve done is bad. I’m not trying to wriggle out of anything. All
I’m saying is that apart from . . . well, apart from the sex, I had no kind of relationship with this woman. I don’t know her at all, really. She won’t care that it’s over
because there was nothing else there.’

Jane blinked slowly and deliberately, as if she was weighing up whether or not to believe him. She must have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because eventually she nodded.
‘OK, well you should probably get going,’ she said, standing up stiffly.

Jamie stood up on wobbly legs. ‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘Are you sure you’ll be OK with the kids? I’ve left all the instructions about their after-school clubs and lunches
and—’

‘I’ll be fine,’ Jane cut him off firmly, her normal composure now apparently restored. ‘Take as long as you need,’ she added awkwardly.

Jamie hesitated, unsure whether or not to embrace her, but decided that Jane wasn’t normally one for hugs, let alone when she had just discovered that he had cheated on her daughter.

‘Well, I guess I’ll be off then.’ He headed gratefully for the front door, where his bag was packed and waiting. He snatched it up and closed the door behind him, suddenly
desperate to get started on the most important journey of his life.

Charlie knew as soon as he woke up that it was still ridiculously early, but he couldn’t sleep any longer and his body clock was all over the place. He glanced around the
room he was sleeping in. It was white and minimalist, very LA. He felt as though he should have been more ill at ease, staying in the home his ex-wife shared with her boyfriend, but he had been too
tired last night to argue and was actually quite grateful to Liv for her suggestion that he and Martha stay here while she was away. But this morning he was filled with a renewed sense of unreality
about the situation.

He was worried about Martha. He had encouraged her to come with him because he recognised in her all the same feelings he had experienced four years ago and he felt sorry for her; now he
wasn’t so sure it was the right thing to have done. She looked so worn out, so stressed and devastated that he was scared she might have some sort of breakdown and he would feel entirely
responsible.

Martha hadn’t slept at all on the plane, despite being in the first-class compartment with free-flowing champagne, the best food and wine on tap and a cosy bed-pod to snuggle up in. But
every time he woke up and looked over at her, she was wrapped tightly in her duvet and staring glassily into space. She didn’t watch any movies or read a book. She didn’t even eat or
drink anything other than water. She just stared.