With or Without You (24 page)

Charlie shrugged. ‘Who knows? I guess we all go through those sort of phases . . .’

‘Poor Liv. So, is she still at the hospital?’

‘Yes, they’re running lots of tests so there wasn’t really anything I could do. I thought I’d go and get Felix from school later and take him back to get her. Then I saw
that you’d called, so I decided to call in . . . to see how you were getting on.’

‘I’m glad you did,’ Martha said, then clamped her mouth shut, wondering if she had said too much.

Charlie looked at her curiously. ‘So, where is he then? He hasn’t gone home already?’ he added, almost hopefully.

‘No. He’s sleeping. The jet-lag finally caught up with him, so I left him to it.’

Charlie nodded and smiled at her. Martha had never noticed before but he had a slight dimple in his cheek that became more pronounced when he smiled.

‘So, what are you going to do then, Martha?’

She shook her head slowly. ‘I just don’t know, Charlie. I feel a bit . . .’ She tailed off and shrugged helplessly.

‘A bit what?’ he prompted gently.

‘A bit trapped,’ she admitted. ‘I mean, I don’t really have a choice, do I? I don’t want my children to grow up in a broken home. To have their lives blow up in
front of them. Jamie swears it was just some kind of terrible aberration and I’m not sure I have any other option than to believe him. This woman picked him up and offered it on a plate. He
says he was bored and lonely at home on his own all day and, although it was a terrible thing to do, he will regret it for the rest of his life.’

Charlie looked at her without speaking and she tried to read his expression but couldn’t. ‘What?’ she said at last.

‘We all have choices,’ he said quietly. ‘But I know what you mean about feeling trapped. It must be very tough for you. I think . . .’ he paused as if trying to formulate
his thoughts. ‘I think that if you
do
decide to give him another chance, you should definitely have counselling.’

‘But I’ve got you,’ she smiled. ‘You’re my counsellor!’

Charlie laughed, but she noticed that a nerve in the side of his cheek had begun to pulse. ‘I’m not a counsellor, Martha. I don’t know why he did this. If I was your . . .
Anyway,’ he changed tack quickly, ‘you need to get to the bottom of why he did this. You need to be one hundred per cent sure that he’s never going to do it again, and you
won’t be able to do that unless you know why it happened.’

Martha gulped. She had always hated the thought of counselling, convinced that it could make things worse by opening up all sorts of issues that were best left buried. And what was it that
Charlie had been going to say?

‘I think we’d better get home as soon as possible. We can’t stay here indefinitely . . .’ she motioned around her as she spoke. ‘And by the way, I insist that we
pay you for our stay here.’

Charlie waved away her words with his hand. ‘Forget it.’

‘Well, anyway, we also need to get back to the children. They must be feeling so confused by what’s going on.’

Charlie nodded slowly and looked around him. ‘I’ll miss you,’ he said quietly, as he looked back at her and held her gaze.

Martha felt a shiver of excitement pass through her. She tried to look away but it was impossible. ‘This can’t happen,’ she whispered.

‘I know,’ Charlie whispered back, a look of intense sadness crossing his features.

As he spoke he leaned forward until his face was just a couple of inches from Martha’s. Without realising quite what she was doing, she leaned forward too and their lips brushed. For a
second they looked at each other in surprise, then Charlie reached out and cupped the back of her head with his hand as he pulled her forward again and kissed her.

When they broke apart, their eyes still locked, Charlie held out his hand and pulled Martha to her feet. Without speaking, they walked hand-in-hand towards the lifts.

Jamie woke with a start. The light in the room was dim. He blinked several times to try to clear his vision, which was blurred through tiredness. He glanced around the room
looking for Martha, but he could already sense that he was alone. He sat up and tried to shake the residual jet-lag out of his head.

Reaching over to the bedside table, he turned the clock to check the time and was shocked to see that it was nearly eight. He had slept for hours. Immediately, he began to calculate what time it
was in the UK, concluding that it would be almost four in the afternoon. He didn’t know if the kids would be at home or at school because he couldn’t even remember if it was a Friday or
a Saturday, but he desperately wanted to speak to them.

Feeling groggy, his head thick with confusion, he fumbled for his phone and scrolled through his contacts list until he found the number for home. He pressed ‘Call’, while saying a
mental prayer that he wouldn’t get Jane.

To his huge relief, Mimi answered. ‘Hi darling, it’s Dad,’ he said.

‘Oh, hi!’ she cried, sounding pleased. ‘Where are you?’

‘I’m in LA.’

‘I know that, silly,’ she said impatiently. ‘I meant, where are you right now? Tell me exactly what you can see all around you. Can you see the Hollywood sign? Have you been to
the Walk of Fame yet?’

Jamie laughed and felt a surge of love for her, suddenly wishing she was there with him. ‘Well, actually I’ve just woken up. I’m just sitting in a hotel room. It’s a very
nice hotel room, granted,’ he continued, looking around him and taking in for the first time just how plush his surroundings were. ‘But it’s still just a hotel room.’

‘Oh.’ Mimi sounded deflated. ‘Is Mum there?’ she added, her tone hardening.

‘Actually, no,’ Jamie said, wondering where Martha had gone. ‘I think she must be out running . . .’

There was a short pause. ‘I saw the other pictures of her and pig-face in the paper, by the way.’

Jamie smiled. He felt exactly the same way about Charlie, but he couldn’t let Martha be blamed for what had happened. ‘There’s nothing to worry about at all,’ he said
soothingly. ‘She’s following him for work. Nothing more to it than that.’

After a little while longer chatting about what else was going on at home and narrowly avoiding having to talk to Jane, Jamie hung up and opened the curtains and doors out onto the balcony. Dawn
was still hanging over LA like a dusty blue muslin, not quite blocking out the vivid colours of the Californian sky, but certainly muting them.

He leaned over the balcony rail, wishing that he still smoked. He had given up when Martha was pregnant with Mimi, but now the craving for a nicotine hit had returned with an unexpected
vengeance. He listened to the sounds of the early morning, noticing with surprise the lack of birdsong that was so loud at this time of day back home. He decided that, even though he was staying in
the most luxurious surroundings he had ever seen, he didn’t like LA much. It seemed too loud, too hot, too fake. Then again, he concluded, it could just be that he wasn’t in the right
frame of mind to enjoy it.

He was about to turn away and retreat to the coolness of the room when something caught his eye. A flash of blue. The colour of Martha’s sundress. He frowned and leaned over the balcony
again, as Martha and Charlie emerged from the hotel and walked out onto the driveway, where cars were being brought up from the valet parking. Although they weren’t holding hands, their
fingers were definitely brushing and they were walking very close to one another. Too close for Jamie’s liking. He stepped back slightly, in case Martha should look up and see him, but she
was deeply engrossed in a conversation with Charlie and seemed oblivious to everything around her.

Jamie strained to hear what they were saying, but even though the early morning air was still, the noise from the car engines meant he could only make out faint murmurings. As he watched, they
stopped walking and turned to face each other. Jamie’s stomach churned with jealousy as he caught the look on Martha’s face. It was a look she had given him so often in the past.

Eventually, Charlie reached out and touched Martha’s face, making Jamie want to vault over the balcony and punch his lights out there and then. Instead he had to watch as they bid each
other goodbye and Charlie headed for his car, glancing back longingly several times at Martha, who had stayed exactly where she was, gazing after him.

Once Charlie had driven off, Martha turned and began to make her way back into the hotel, looking lost in thought. As she did so, she glanced up at the balcony and jumped with shock as she
caught Jamie’s eye.

Jamie took a deep breath to steady his nerves and went back into the cool, dark room, pulling the doors closed behind him. He switched on the lamps dotted around the room and sat on the bed,
awaiting Martha’s return. A million thoughts were running around in his head, but the one that kept pushing itself to the front was a hopeful one. Had he caught Martha out? And if so, did
that make them even? Would it cancel out the horror and shame of what he had done? Part of him hoped that it would.

There was a whirring sound followed by a click as the door unlocked and Martha came in looking, Jamie thought, slightly guilty.

She came over to the bed and perched beside him. Neither of them spoke for several minutes and the silence grew heavier until Jamie couldn’t stand it any more. ‘Where did you
go?’ he asked, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible.

Martha looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to weigh up what to say. ‘I went to the other room,’ she said at last, swallowing hard as she looked at Jamie.

Jamie frowned. ‘Other room? What other room?’

‘Charlie booked two rooms, remember? I went to the other one.’

Another heavy silence ensued. ‘Alone?’ Jamie managed to croak, when he had plucked up enough courage to ask the question.

‘No,’ Martha said, almost defiantly.

‘Oh God,’ Jamie put his hands over his face and wondered if he felt relieved or devastated. ‘Well, I guess I deserved that,’ he said.

Martha nodded. ‘Yes, you did.’

Jamie shook his head. She had basically just admitted to committing adultery and yet she didn’t even seem bothered. It occurred to him that she had changed so much in the past few days
that he already felt as if she was a stranger. The old Martha would never have contemplated sleeping with someone else. Even the thought of it would have horrified her. Yet here she was, casually
admitting to it.

‘I know exactly what’s running through your mind,’ Martha said, making Jamie look up sharply. ‘But all of it is wrong.’

‘I’m not thinking anything . . .’ Jamie started to protest, then stopped, realising how ridiculous he sounded. Martha knew him better than anyone. ‘Well, maybe I
am,’ he admitted.

‘I didn’t sleep with him,’ Martha said quietly, making Jamie feel as if all the air had been squeezed out of his lungs. ‘Because then I’d be no better than you,
would I?’

Jamie groaned and put his head back in his hands. ‘Oh God, Martha!’ he cried in a muffled voice. ‘I hoped that . . .’

‘. . . You hoped that I would have done the same as you and then we’d be even,’ Martha finished with terrifying accuracy. ‘But that’s not how it works, is it?
Because I would only have done it to get back at you. So you would still be to blame. Only this time you’d be to blame for both of us.’

‘Don’t!’ Jamie put a hand up to stop her speaking. He couldn’t stand to have any more blame or shame heaped upon him.

Once again, they lapsed into silence, each of them locked in their own private hell. After a while, Jamie reached out tentatively to take Martha’s hand and was gratified when she
didn’t shake him off. ‘I think you have feelings for Charlie, though,’ he said, hoping that she might at least attempt a denial.

Martha didn’t reply, but when she looked up her large brown eyes were brimming with tears.

‘It’s OK,’ Jamie said. ‘I get it. And more to the point, I deserve it. But Martha, I love you so much. You have got to believe me. We have two gorgeous children and a
great life together. We can’t throw that away without a fight, can we?’

Martha brushed her eyes with the back of her hand and shook her head. ‘No,’ she said. ‘We can’t. But I feel so hurt, so bruised . . .’ she stopped speaking for a
minute as her voice broke. ‘I don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight!’ she finished.

Jamie reached over and pulled her to him, rubbing the silky skin of her arms and inhaling the smell of her perfume. ‘You don’t have to fight,’ he said, kissing her hair.
‘Just give me the chance and I’ll fight hard enough for both of us.’

‘Where are we going?’ Martha asked, looking out of the car window, as Beverly Hills disappeared into the distance behind them.

Jamie smiled through his crinkled blue eyes. ‘I told you, just wait and see.’

Martha shook her head wearily. Jamie had persuaded her to let him take her out, even though they were both exhausted after the hours they had spent talking.

The taxi sped through the busy streets and Martha thought with a pang how much the children would enjoy being in LA, especially Mimi. It made her understand just how hard it must have been for
Charlie to be separated from Felix for such long periods of time.

‘The kids would love this, wouldn’t they?’ said Jamie, echoing her thoughts perfectly.

‘That’s just what I was thinking.’

‘They miss you,’ he added. ‘They want you to come home.’

Martha met his eye. ‘I miss them too.’

Jamie reached across the gulf between them and took her hand. Instinctively, Martha made to pull away but he held onto it tightly. ‘And I want you to come home too. I’m no good
without you.’

Martha swallowed hard and bit her lip. She couldn’t reply. She ached to see the children and desperately wanted to return home, but she was scared of the emotional tsunami she knew awaited
her.

After about half an hour, the car drew to a halt. Martha allowed Jamie to open the door for her and take her hand as she stepped out. She recognised it immediately as the courtyard of a hotel
called Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica. Martha had been there before, when she had interviewed Robert de Niro, and had returned home to Jamie gushing about both the actor and the hotel.
He’d remembered. Somewhere deep down she was touched.