With or Without You (25 page)

The hotel itself was very pretty with its whitewashed New England clapboard exterior and its simple, nautical-inspired interior, but it was the dramatic beach-side setting that was really
breathtaking.

Jamie took her hand and led her down the side of the hotel towards the beach. Martha smiled to herself as the wide, golden stretch of sand and the dusky indigo ocean came into view. The sun had
almost set but there was still enough of an orange glow to bathe the water in a spectacular, fiery light. There was something about the sea that always calmed her and helped her feel a sense of
perspective, however stressed she was. At home she went for a run along the beach most mornings to give herself a kick-start. Jamie knew it. That was probably why he’d brought her here. She
breathed in the fresh, clean air blowing in off the Pacific and tried to feel some kind of peace amid the churning and crashing of her emotions.

Jamie led her onto the sand. They both kicked off their shoes and walked in silence in the direction of Santa Monica pier, which was flashing and twinkling in the encroaching darkness.
‘This is so weird,’ she said, more to herself than to him.

‘I know.’

They walked on in silence for a while, as the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore mingled with the cacophony of noise from the pier. It was surprisingly loud.

‘I can’t go home without you,’ Jamie said, and his words were carried on the air and away out to sea.

Martha stopped walking and sat down on the sand. Jamie hesitated for a second before joining her. They stared at the waves, now glinting under the pale moon. ‘What happens when we get
home, though?’

Jamie shook his head and brought his knees up to his chest. ‘That has to be your decision. I’m in your hands.’

Martha’s head suddenly swam with images of Jamie’s hands holding another woman’s naked body and she instinctively clamped a hand to her mouth.

Jamie, as always sensing what she was thinking, knelt in front of her, his eyes pleading and desperate. ‘Don’t let it enter your head. God knows, I would do anything to erase those
images from your brain. But sweetheart, I love you so, so much. I will never, ever hurt you again. You’re my life, Martha. My whole life. Without you I have nothing. I have no meaning and no
reason to live. Please, please give me another chance. I will never let you down again.’ Martha closed her eyes. She felt Jamie’s hand stroke her face tenderly. ‘I know
you’re scared. I am too. But I’m far more scared of trying to live without you. We can get through this, Martha. Just come home with me and I will do everything, literally everything,
to get us through it.’

Martha listened, knowing that he meant every word he was saying, but his entreaties were being drowned out by another voice in her head. Charlie’s. Charlie, who had been there when she
needed him most. Charlie, who had pulled her through her darkest hour and shown her nothing but generosity and understanding. He wouldn’t have treated her with such casual contempt.

‘Martha?’

Martha opened her eyes and looked into Jamie’s. So pale compared to Charlie’s deep, dark pools.

‘It’s him, isn’t it? That’s what’s keeping you here?’

Martha opened her mouth to protest but no words would come. If she and Jamie were to have any chance of making a go of their marriage, they needed to be honest with each other.

Jamie flinched with pain when she didn’t answer and Martha felt a stab of something approaching pleasure. But the feeling quickly subsided. Was this how it would be from now on? Trying to
score points and hurt him as much as he had hurt her?

Whatever she felt for Charlie, and it was still far too soon to say exactly what she did feel for him, she had to go home and try to make her marriage work for the sake of the children. Maybe
Jamie would be able to convince her, maybe he wouldn’t. But she had to give him the chance to try.

‘I’m not staying here,’ she said slowly, watching relief flood Jamie’s features. ‘I’m coming home.’

‘Oh, that’s great!’ he breathed.

‘But . . .’ she interrupted him, standing up and dusting the sand off her dress. ‘There’s someone I need to say goodbye to first.’

‘So it looks like it was a panic attack then?’ Charlie said, as he manoeuvred the car away from the hospital and onto the road leading up towards Liv’s
house.

Beside him, Liv was slumped in the passenger seat, her skin still slightly grey in colour. From the back seat, Felix met his eye in the rear-view mirror and frowned. Charlie’s heart
constricted, thinking of how confused the little boy must be feeling after all that had been going on.

‘That’s what they say . . .’ Liv said in a flat voice, as she stared unseeingly out of the window.

‘But you’re not sure?’ Charlie prompted.

Liv shrugged but didn’t reply.

‘I’m really surprised,’ Charlie admitted. ‘It looked like something physical rather than something mental.’

Liv looked at him sharply.

‘Sorry,’ Charlie mouthed, glancing again at his son in the rear-view mirror, but by now Felix was engrossed in his DS game and didn’t appear to have heard.

They drove the rest of the journey in silence, up the winding, pot-holed roads, until they reached the house. Liv pressed the remote control for the automatic gates, which slid open noiselessly,
and Charlie drove up the sparkling white driveway, which was illuminated by lights embedded in the ground. He stopped the car and looked at Liv, suddenly unsure what to do. The whole situation had
changed now that Martha was no longer there to ease the atmosphere between them.

‘So what do we do now?’ he said.

Liv, who was still staring glassily out of the window, seemed to snap into life. ‘Sorry! What did you say?’

Charlie sighed. ‘Well, maybe it would be better if I went and checked into a hotel? I mean, with Martha gone . . .’

Realisation dawned in Liv’s eyes. ‘Martha? Oh God, I didn’t even ask . . . Where’s she gone?’

‘She’s at the hotel. With
him,’
Charlie almost spat as he spoke.

‘Don’t go to a hotel!’ Felix cried suddenly, surprising them both. ‘Stay here. With us. Please?’

Charlie locked onto his son’s pleading stare and then looked questioningly at Liv. ‘I think that’s probably up to your mum.’

Liv nodded and smiled vacantly, before opening the car door and climbing out. ‘Fine by me,’ she said, as she swung the door shut behind her.

Charlie closed his eyes for a few seconds. He felt churned up and sad about Martha, and he wasn’t sure that being with Liv in her fragile state was the best place for him because he felt
so irritable with her. But he didn’t want to desert Felix either, so he exhaled loudly and opened the car door.

Once inside, he put Felix to bed and then told Liv that he was tired and was going to bed himself, although it wasn’t yet nine o’clock. Liv didn’t seem concerned and had
already opened a bottle of wine and poured herself a glass. He suddenly felt like he couldn’t bear to be around her. He knew she was struggling and seemed as if she was on the brink of some
kind of meltdown, but he couldn’t cope with being her support at that minute either. Worse, he resented her for what he saw as her wallowing in self-pity. If he had given in to his own
desperation when she left him four years ago, he probably wouldn’t be here now, but he had fought his way through it. He hadn’t started drinking heavily or collapsing all over the place
and frightening Felix with his dramatics.

He took a quick shower and climbed into bed, already knowing that he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Martha. It seemed ridiculous after such a short time
but she had got right under his skin.

He thought back to the previous night when they had gone to Martha’s room in the hotel. He had known that she wouldn’t sleep with him but Christ, he had wanted to. It was torture
just kissing her when he was desperate to do so much more. But in a world where women threw themselves at him all the time, the fact that she had resisted only made him want her all the more.

He picked up his phone and stared at it, willing it to ring and for it to be Martha. He wanted to talk to her. To hear her voice. He thought about calling her but stopped. What if she was with
him?
Charlie felt a bubble of hatred for Jamie welling up inside. The man had an amazing wife and he had treated her like crap. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness, but because of
their kids, Charlie had a horrible feeling he was going to get it.

Still, Charlie reasoned, at least he would be able to continue to see her because of the book. He smiled to himself with satisfaction, knowing how hard it would be for Jamie every time Martha
came to meet him. Good, he thought. Serves him right.

As if on cue, his phone beeped and his eyes darted back to the screen.

What are you up to? Need to see you.

Charlie found himself beaming at the phone, as if it was actually her.

He looked at his watch. It was only nine, but people didn’t tend to stay out late in LA. They were all in bed by 10.30, due to early starts on location and early-morning yoga or Pilates
classes.

Let’s have dinner at a place I know. Shall I come and pick you up now?
he texted back, his excitement mounting.

OK x

Charlie leapt out of bed and threw on a white shirt and a pair of jeans, before heading towards the front door.

‘Where are you going?’ asked Liv, making him jump in surprise. He had assumed she was in bed because the house was almost dark, but she was sitting on an easy chair in the day room,
with a glass of wine in her hand, which was tilting dan-gerously to one side.

Charlie hesitated. ‘Er, I’m going out to meet Martha. I thought I’d take her out for dinner as she’s going home tomorrow.’

Liv nodded wearily. ‘How nice,’ she slurred and her eyes drooped shut.

Charlie watched her for a minute, weighing up whether he should go or not. Was she in a fit state to be left alone with Felix? But then, he reasoned, Felix was asleep and wouldn’t wake up
until the morning. It was highly unlikely he’d need anything before then, and anyway, Charlie wouldn’t be too long.

‘Maybe you should get yourself to bed?’ he suggested, eyeing the wine glass warily.

Liv’s eyes blinked open again, as if she’d been taken by surprise. ‘Hmm? Oh yes, you’re probably right,’ she agreed, getting up and staggering over to the breakfast
bar, where she deposited the glass beside the almost-empty bottle of white wine.

Charlie nodded to himself. ‘I’ll see you later?’ He scooped up the house keys Liv had given him on his first day there.

‘Have fun!’ she trilled in a falsetto voice.

Charlie closed the door behind him and waited for a few moments for the feeling of unease to subside. Then he opened the car and climbed in.

Jamie could hear a phone ringing somewhere in the distance. He was shouting for Martha to answer it but still it kept ringing. He sat up with a start. It wasn’t a dream.
It was the phone beside the bed in the hotel room. He snatched it up and spoke gruffly into the handset. ‘Yes?’

‘Hello, this is reception here. We have Liv Mason on the phone, trying to contact Charlie Simmons. Do you know where Mr Simmons is?’

Jamie frowned in confusion. ‘Er, no, I don’t. But my wife might know. She’s in room 604, along from me . . .’ For a brief moment, Jamie wondered if he might, in fact,
still be dreaming.

‘Yes, we have tried her room but she’s not there . . .’ The receptionist hesitated and Jamie instantly knew why.

‘Ah, you think she’s out somewhere with Charlie Simmons?’

There was another fraction of a second’s hesitation. ‘Er, yes, I believe they have left the hotel together. I was wondering if you might know where they are?’

Jamie swallowed back the jealousy that was rising in his throat. Martha had told him she needed to say goodbye to Charlie, but he hadn’t realised she meant she was going to meet him. When
they got back to the hotel earlier, Jamie had gone to bed and immediately fallen into a deep sleep. Clearly, she hadn’t done the same. ‘Uh, no, I don’t know where they’ve
gone,’ he replied wearily. ‘Do you know what she wants?’

‘No, but she sounds quite, er, distressed.’

‘Put her through to me,’ Jamie said, before he’d had a chance to think. In the split second before the receptionist transferred the call, Jamie remembered that Liv Mason was a
famous film star who didn’t know him at all, and there was absolutely no reason why she would want to speak to him. ‘Hello?’ he said tentatively.

‘Charlie?’ Liv yelled, and Jamie could hear immediately that she was drunk.

‘No, er, this is Jamie, Martha’s husband. I don’t know where Charlie and Martha have gone, but can I help?’

There was a loud groan at the other end of the line and it sounded like the phone had been dropped. He could hear Liv repeating, ‘Oh God, Oh God,’ over and over again.

‘Liv!’ called Jamie, trying not to shout but aware that he needed to make her hear. When there was no response, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and, with his heart
pounding, yelled as loudly as he could, ‘Liv!’

After a brief pause, during which he could hear her scrabbling for the phone, she came back on the line. ‘Oh God,’ she groaned again, and he could hear that she was starting to
hyperventilate.

‘OK, Liv,’ Jamie said, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. He had a horrible feeling that something terrible had either happened or was about to. ‘Take a deep breath.
Breathe with me, Liv. Can you do that? Breathe in deeply through your nose, see, like I’m doing? Then slowly out through your mouth.’ He started to take exaggerated deep breaths, to try
and encourage her to follow suit, all the time speaking to her in the soothing voice he used for the children when they were upset. Gradually, Liv started to follow him until she had calmed down
slightly.

‘Right, that’s really good, Liv,’ Jamie said when he felt that she could listen to him. ‘Now, can you tell me what’s wrong?’

Liv shrieked and Jamie cut in again. ‘Listen to me very carefully, Liv. I am going to help you. Whatever’s wrong, we’ll sort it out, but I need to know what’s happened
for me to be able to help. Do you understand?’