Worth the Wait (Sexy Nerd Boys #1) (19 page)

Abby

              “Is there anything you want me to tell Ethan from you?” Lee asks cautiously before she leaves for the long weekend.

I shake my head and try to put on a brave face.

              “Just drive safe,” I say giving her a big hug.

              And, with that I’m left alone in a quiet apartment for Thanksgiving. An idea crosses my mind and before I can talk myself out of it I grab my car keys and head out the door.

I take a deep breath and knock tentatively at the front door. I don’t know why I knock, I have a key but it’s been too long. I guess I feel awkward. Besides, what if she doesn’t want to see me?

The door swings open and it’s like looking in a mirror twenty years from now.

“Hi, Mom,” I say timidly.

She bursts into tears and pulls me into a bone crushing hug.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” She sobs.

I let out a small laugh.

“Sorry I didn’t call.”

She finally releases me and waves off my apology before stepping back so I can come in. I’m hit with a million memories the second I step through the door, most of them bad. I follow her to the living room and sit down on the couch beside her.

“I really am sorry, I don’t know why-” I start to apologize again and she cuts me off with a stern look.

“I know why, it’s because I wasn’t the role model I should’ve been for you all of those years. I’m sorry Abby, I am so sorry for being such a broken woman for so long,” She wraps an arm around me and I see a tattoo in delicate scrawl across her forearm.
She Believed She Could, So She Did.

“I love that tattoo,” I tell her running my finger across the words.

“I got that for you,” I look at her curiously. “Well, I guess I got it to remind me to be a strong woman like you.”

“I’m not a strong woman,” I argue trying to suppress the tears.

“Of course you are sweetheart. You’ve always been stronger than me. I am so sorry for everything I ever let your father say to you.” She pulls me into another bone crushing hug.

“It’s okay mom, I understand.”

“No, you could never understand.”

“Mom, there are so many things I need to tell you.” She finally pulls back to let me be able to talk. “I am so messed up.”  

The dam bursts and I start to sob uncontrollably.

              She holds me close and strokes my hair until I’ve cried myself out.

              “I don’t have a turkey or anything,” She says apologetically.

              “That’s okay,” I assure her. “I’d be fine having whatever is laying around and spending time together. We have some catching up to do.”

She smiles brightly.

              “I’d love that.”

              I wake up Sunday in my old bedroom for the third morning in a row. The first morning I’d nearly had a panic attack from the flood of memories that hit me upon waking up here. I can honestly say I’m a little sad to be going home today. I’m glad I had a chance to start back on the right road with my mom. I’d told her about Justin and the abortion, speaking that word for the first time was like picking a scab off.  We cried a lot. In the end we’re closer now than we’ve ever been.

I head downstairs and smell bacon. My mouth waters and I think back to all of the mornings Ethan made me breakfast. My heart stutters as it always does when I think of him. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us. But, what I do know is that it’s time for me to stop wallowing in my past and start to finally move forward with my life. Regardless of what will eventually happen between Ethan and me, I need to resolve the things festering inside of me. I’m a broken person because of Justin, my father, and all of the things I feel guilty for. 

“I just wanted to tell you, I decided to get therapy. For real this time,” I confide over breakfast.

“Good. And I hope that you won’t be a stranger anymore,” Her eyes are misty as she looks over at me.

“I promise I won’t be,” I reach across the table and pat her arm reassuringly.

Abby

I fidget anxiously in Dr. Lestic’s waiting room. I feel like I’m at a fork in the road and everything is going to be different from here on out. I’m not going to keep wallowing in the past, I’m finally moving forward. The thought both thrills and terrifies me.

“Abigail Briggs,” The receptionist motions me forward. “Dr. Lestic is ready for you.”

I enter the office shaking from head to toe.

The doctor is seated behind a large wooden desk. I survey the room. There are two different chairs and a couch that I could sit on. I wonder if this is supposed to be some sort of psychological test.

“Welcome Abigail. Sit wherever you’re most comfortable.”

I nod and sit in one of the chairs opposite her desk.

“You can call me Abby.”

“Okay, Abby,” She smiles warmly. “Tell me about why you’re here.”

I let out a long breath.

“I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’m here because I have a lot of things in my past that I need to let go of so I can have the future I want.”

“Okay. What are your goals in regards to these sessions?”

“I want to be able to sleep without needing drugs or alcohol. And, I don’t want to be afraid to let someone love me.”

“Excellent, those are things we can strive for. Would you like to tell me about your past? What’s haunting you?”

I take a deep breath and delve into my story, not holding anything back this time. While I talk she makes notes and nods encouragingly.

“It’s natural that the repeated rape at the hands of someone you considered to be a significant other would have a powerful and long lasting effect on you.” Dr. Lestic assures me when I finish my story.

“I don’t think it had that much of an effect on me,” I argue. “I mean, I was a little anxious the first time Ethan and I had sex but not afraid or anything.”

“Do you think fear of sexual intimacy is the only effect of rape?”

“Well, no, I guess not.”

“It seems to me that it has caused you to have a fear of emotional intimacy as well as an exaggerated defense against normal unwanted sexual advances,” She explains.

The timer sounds on her desk indicating that our hour is up.

“Now, if you want I can prescribe you a sleep aid,” She offers. “However, I don’t see it as much different as what you are already doing with the drugs and alcohol. I would prefer if you would try some meditation techniques right before going to sleep and see if that will help.”

“I’ll try anything.”

She hands me a sheet of paper that has instructions on meditation and relaxation techniques.

“Excellent. I’ll see you again the same time next week,” She smiles warmly as she walks me to the door.

For the first time in a long time I actually hopeful that I can feel better.

“Thank you,” I say genuinely.

Ethan

The three weeks between Thanksgiving and the end of the semester fly by and it’s time for me to go home before I know it.

              There is one thing I need to do before I go home.

              I stand in front of the small white ranch house that Lee and I grew up in. It hasn’t changed in the last four years, not that I expected it to. I lift my shaking hand to knock on the door and I wait, holding my breath. The door opens and my short plump mother gasps in shock.

              “Long time no see,” I mutter dryly.

She stares at me open mouthed for several seconds before stepping aside to let me in. I shake my head and remain on the porch. I don’t plan to stay long, I just need to get this off my chest. Her face falls, but she waits for me to say whatever I came to say.

              “You and Dad were terrible role models. I needed to tell you that. I can’t believe the way you let him treat you like property. For the first twenty two years of my life I thought that the last thing I’d ever want was a wife, because I couldn’t imagine treating a woman the way I saw him treat you. But, come to find out, there are women out there who are strong, independent, and fucking incredible.”

She gasps at my language, but I continue without pause.

“I just wanted you to know that, I overcame the damage you two did. And, so has Lee by the way. She’s in an amazing relationship, with the woman of her dreams. And, I couldn’t be happier for her.” With that I turn on my heel and leave before she can say anything. I don’t need to hear it.

I’m honestly not sure what to expect when I see Abby. Will she be happy to see me? Pissed that I left and never called or texted? Will she act like nothing ever happened?

Lee's been texting me all morning telling me how much she can’t wait for me to get home. I’ve resisted asking her about Abby even though she’s all I’ve thought about for the entire six weeks. And, she hasn’t offered up any information about her. Lee wants to get together at the Leprechaun tonight and she didn’t mention if Abby would be there.

The bar isn’t quite as crowded as usual. I’m guessing because a majority of students already left for the holidays. I spot Abby, Lee, Nikki, and Remy at the pool tables and my heart kicks into overdrive. I can’t believe Abby came. She must not completely hate me. Lee spots me and sprints towards me leaping into my arms. I catch her in a bear hug.

“I’m so glad you’re home,” She says.

“Me too.”

“So, uh, Abby came,” I observe in a would be casual way.

She clearly catches my unasked question.

“I don’t know where she’s at with everything. She was like a zombie for the first few weeks. But, when I came back after Thanksgiving she had really turned a corner. She’s seeing a therapist, she’s drinking less, and she seems a lot happier than I’ve ever seen her.”

A small twinge of jealousy passes through me at the fact that it apparently did her a lot of good for me to leave. But, on the other hand, I just want her to be happy and healthy and if she can only have that without me then so be it.

I nod in understanding and make my way towards the pool table. My heart is pounding out an uneven drum beat in my chest. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants and take a deep breath.

              “Hey,” Abby says with an awkward half smile when I reach her.

              “Hey,” It’s such an empty word compared to all of the things I’m dying to say and ask her.

I notice she doesn’t have a drink in front of her. It startles me to realize how often she did drink before I left. I never even noticed.

              “Can we talk?” I ask after an extended silence.

She looks around helplessly like she’s searching for an excuse not to talk and then she nods reluctantly. We make our way to a quiet corner of the bar and take a seat across from each other at a high table.

              “How was your drive home?” She asks in a tight voice, twirling a strand of her auburn hair around her index finger and avoiding my gaze.

              “It was fine,” I shrug. “How have you been?” I ask delicately.

              She tears a bar napkin into little pieces and makes a small pile in front of her on the table.

              “Good, better every day.”

Her words are like a knife to the heart. I want her to tell me she missed me like crazy, couldn’t even function without me.

“I’m finally getting help. I’m seeing a therapist and working through my issues.”

              “That’s so great,” I say genuinely.

              “Yeah, it’s long overdue. I’m finally able to picture a future where maybe I won’t be so broken.”

              “I’m proud of you,” I reach across the table and place my hand over hers. “I missed you.”

              “I’m working on myself, but I’m still broken,” She responds.

I pull my hand back. Huh, so this is what getting dumped feels like. She must read the hurt on my face.

              “I’m sorry Ethan, I just...need to focus on getting better right now.”

I nod in understanding.

“And, I also need to apologize for…everything,” She gnaws her lower lip. “Dr. Lestic has brought it to my attention that I can be a tad combative towards men. She says it’s my coping mechanism. I’ve been a bitch to you, plain and simple. And, you’ve been nothing but good to me. I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. With everything that happened to you, it was understandable. And, sweetheart, that’s exactly why we’re the perfect match. I’m secure enough in my masculinity that I don’t mind my woman getting a little mouthy with me.” I wink.

Abby laughs, the tension in her shoulders finally easing.

              “We’re still friends, I hope you don’t expect me not to be around. We’re way behind on new episodes of Doctor Who, you better not have been watching without me,” I warn.

              “Of course not.”

I want more than anything to pull her into my arms but I resist. I need to behave and give her the time she needs, even if it kills me.

“There’s one other thing I need to tell you,” She says nervously.

My muscles tense. Oh god is she going to tell me that there’s someone else? I bite back the bitter jealousy rising in my throat and nod at her to continue.

“Sarah drugged you.”

“What?” Well, that was the last damn thing I would’ve expected her to say. “You’re joking right?”

              “No,” She shakes her head solemnly. “She came to me and told me that she’d slipped you GHB at the party. She tried to kill herself by overdosing on Advil. I called an ambulance. I guess the doctors convinced her to commit herself to the psyche ward.”

“Jesus,” Is all I can manage to murmur. 

Abby

              “So, Abby, tell me how Ethan’s ‘welcome home’ party went?” Dr. Lestic prompts.

              “It went well. It was awkward at first, but it got better after we talked. I only had one drink. However, I did smoke pot before I went to bed because I felt really emotional about Ethan.” I admit.

              “That’s okay. What types of emotions were you feeling?”

              “Longing, sadness, fear,” I sigh.

              “Did the two of you discuss the status of your relationship?”

              “I told him I need time to work on myself,” I shrug.

              “I think you aren’t giving yourself enough credit for your progress.”

              “I can’t put my heart out there to have it stomped,” I shake my head furiously trying to chase the pain away. I take deep, calming breaths like Dr. Lestic told me to do when I feel a panic attack coming on.

              “And ,what makes you so sure that he would ‘stomp your heart’?” She puts my words in finger quotes.

              “He doesn’t know about the abortion and if we were to date for real he would deserve to know. What if he hates me?”

              “I think you’re underestimating his feelings for you. Abortion is not that uncommon, he may be completely fine with it. I would recommend you tell him so you can give him a chance to react to it instead of assuming you know what he’ll say or feel.”

              “I’ll try,” I agree, taking deep breaths to calm the rising panic.