“But
you wouldn’t be hurting her. She’ll never know. Neither one of us will tell
her. This is something we can keep between ourselves, we’re the only people in
the world who will even know about it.” He explains, demanding that I listen to
him and see the rationality behind his plan.
“Exactly!
I’m
going to know. I’ll have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done every
single day and I won’t be able to deal with it!”
“You
can call me if you ever feel that way. I won’t turn my back on you. If you ever
need someone to talk to about it, you can talk to me.” He soothes, squeezing my
arm gently.
“This
is crazy, absolutely crazy. I can’t believe we’re actually discussing this,
Zack.”
“We
have to! I don’t know what else to do, Samantha. I’m going insane having to
carry all of this around with me. I can’t concentrate on anything or anyone
besides you. Rachel’s starting to figure out that something’s wrong and I don’t
know how to explain my absence or lack of interest in anything to do with her
or the wedding. I
need
this, Samantha. I’m actually begging you to help
me.”
I
stare at him in astonishment. This can’t be happening, this isn’t real. I’ll
wake up any second now and realise this has all been part of some messed up,
twisted dream.
“You
have a fiancé, Zack. If you need sex, go to her! She’s one of the most
beautiful women in the world, I don’t even know what you’re doing here or why
you decided to approach me with all of this. Its sick and its wrong.
You’re
sick.”
I exclaim loudly, stumbling across the grass as I head towards the lake.
I
need to put some space between us. I have to get away from him, even if it’s
just for a couple of minutes. Being around him is too much for me to handle,
I’ve been overwhelmed by his presence since the first moment I set eyes on him.
“What
do I have to say to get you to agree?” He asks, slowly walking up behind me.
I
tremble, angry that he proved me right. I
do
get chills every time he’s
within a few feet of me. My attraction to him is indescribable, it’s magnetic
and beyond anything I’ve ever known. What he’s suggesting churns me up inside
but I can’t help picturing it. This could be my one and only chance. What
Zack’s suggesting is terrible but he
is
right, no one would ever have to
know. It’s something we could keep between us and it could be the only thing
that would surely end our bizarre fixation with one another.
“It’s
not that I…”
“What?
It’s not that you don’t want to? Is that what you were going to say?” He
prompts me, pressing his strong upper body against my back. “You know how
incredible it would be, don’t you? I know you’ve imagined it. What it would
feel like to have me inside you and how many times I’d make you come.”
I
whirl around and glare at him. I swear I’ve never hated a human being more than
I do him right now.
“You’re
a piece of shit for doing this to me and for doing this to Rachel. I ought to
tell her the truth about everything and let her know what a selfish bastard
she’s gone and got herself engaged to!”
“You’re
right. I am selfish! I’m scum for even thinking up something like this but that
doesn’t change the fact that I need this. I love your sister and I don’t want
to hurt her. I’ve never felt the need to cheat before now and I’ve not even glanced
at another woman since we got together but this… it’s different. It’s ruining
me, Sam. It’s destroying me and I’m scared that I’ll lose everything in my life
if I don’t find a way out of this!” He yells in frustration, turning red in the
face with exertion.
“And
you think one night with me will solve everything?” I reply dryly.
“Yes!
No! I don’t know! I don’t know anything apart from the absolute need I have to
find out. I’ve talked myself out of this a thousand times, I even managed to
convince myself that I was being ridiculous about the whole thing. I thought
the idea of you would fade but it hasn’t. My craving for you is getting worse
and worse, what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?! My idea is fucked up
but it’s all I could come up with!”
“Zack,
you’re not thinking clearly. I’m not denying anything, I’ve been struggling
with my own feelings but we really can’t do this. I have my own issues I need
to deal with and I don’t want to add the betrayal of my own sister to them.”
“What
kind of issues?” He asks abruptly.
“Believe
me, I’m not going to go into that right now.”
We’re
silent for a couple of minutes, neither one of us knows what to say and I can
feel a bad headache coming on. My whole body is exhausted, I’m emotionally and
physically drained.
“So…
you’re not going to change your mind?” Zack asks me, interrupting my thoughts.
He
looks defeated, as though I’ve crushed him with my words.
“I
can’t afford to and neither can you, Zack. We’d regret it for the rest of our
lives, it would stay with us forever and the repercussions could be
catastrophic for the both of us.”
“The
problem is that I’m willing to take the risk. I have to
know
. I need to
get you out of my system before I fuck my whole life up.”
“Wow,
you really know how to flatter a girl.” I say playfully, desperately trying to
make light of the horrendous situation we’ve come to find ourselves in.
“I’m
sorry.” He chuckles softly, looking up towards the sky. “I’ve made a right mess
of this, haven’t I?”
“Yes.”
My reply is automatic, I don’t even think about.
“So
what do we do now?” He exhales slowly, lowering his head.
He’s
tired out and weary, utterly spent from our discussion and I can’t say I blame
him.
“We
go home. I go back to my apartment and you go back to Rachel, where you
belong.” I say simply.
“You
know, we haven’t spent a single night together since we got back.” He murmurs
quietly.
“Why
is that?”
“I
wish I knew.” He groans in exasperation, pulling on the tie he’s still holding
in his hands.
“It’s
not because of me?” I say doubtfully.
“Maybe.
I guess that’s what I wanted to find out. I thought if I could be with you just
once, it would make all of this go away.”
“It
wouldn’t. It would make things worse and you know it.”
“I
don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what’s happening to me.”
“You
know Rachel, Zack. You love her.”
He
looks at me, a small smile playing on his lips.
“That
doesn’t change the fact that I want you. I know I shouldn’t, I know it’s wrong
but I can’t do anything to change it. You’ve been in my head since the night we
met and it’s ruining me.”
I
know I was angry, I know my initial reaction to what he was saying was fury but
now… all I feel is sadness. Why is this happening to us? What did we do to
deserve this impossible situation? I close my eyes, rubbing my painful
forehead.
“Let’s
go.”
Zack
drives me home, this time he doesn’t turn on the radio and the silence is even
more stifling than it was during the journey here. A million different thoughts
are racing through my head, making me question absolutely everything. God, such
a huge part of me is tempted. The intense connection I feel for him is unlike
anything I’ve ever known and I instinctively know it goes far beyond a crush. I
can feel the magnetic pull between my body and his, the energy in the car is
electric, sizzling and scorching with heat.
“We’re
here.” Zack whispers, alerting me to our arrival outside my apartment.
“I
best go.”
“Listen,
I know you’ve already told me your answer but I need to ask you again. Is no
your final answer?”
He
covers my small hand with his, stroking his thumb against the back of it. Such
a small thing sends a tremor through my body. There are swarms of butterflies
in my stomach and my heart feels as though it might leap out of my chest any
second. All of this because he touched my hand, it makes me wonder what
incredible sensations I’d feel if we were to…
“Samantha?”
His voice pulls me out of my reverie, forcing me to return his gaze.
“How
will I be able to live with myself if I say yes?” I ask him tearfully, removing
my hand from his.
“You
mean… you’re actually considering it?” He asks incredulously, shifting around
in his seat so he can look at me directly.
“I
don’t know. I’ve got so much going on inside my head already, if we go through
with this it’s only going to make things worse.”
“How
could this get any worse? I’m already in absolute torment and so are you. All of
our problems can be fixed, Sam. I’m sure we’ll be able to get over this as soon
as we’ve spent the night together. We can both get it out of our systems, put
it behind us and move on. It will be like it never happened, we won’t ever have
to talk about it again if that’s what you decide.” He explains smoothly,
gripping the steering wheel with one hand. The other rests on the back of my
seat.
“How
am I supposed to look Rachel in the eye after I’ve slept with her fiancé?”
“How
are you supposed to look her in the eye when you
know
you want to sleep
with her fiancé?” He fires back at me. “It’s easier to regret something you’ve
done than something you haven’t. I know how my mind works and I know I won’t
get over this until we do something about it. I don’t want to get married
whilst all of this is going on inside my head.”
“And…
and it would just be the once?” I keep my eyes locked on my clasped hands in my
lap, refusing to look at him.
“One
time, Samantha. One night. That’s all it will take, I’m sure of it.” He speaks
so confidently, it’s as though he doesn’t doubt himself at all or his decision
to do this.
“And
we’ll never speak about it again? All of it will go away?” I inquire timidly,
feeling the penetration of his stare burn a hole right through me.
“Whatever
you decide, Sam. I’ll go along with whatever you choose.” He assures me.
“If
there really is no other way. If this is the only chance we have of getting
past this…” I trail off, unable to continue.
“You’re
saying yes?” He says disbelievingly, his voice full of hope and expectation.
“I
can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.” I shake my head before cradling it in my
hands.
“You
won’t regret this, I promise you. It’s our only option.”
“I
have to go.” I tell him, reaching for the car door.
“Wait!
We still have things we need to discuss.”
“Things
like where and when?” I reply bluntly.
“If
you really want to put it like that then… yeah.” He says hesitantly.
“You
have my number. Use it.”
I’m
out the car door before he can stop me, racing away from him and into my
apartment building. I thought I heard the sound of his footsteps behind me but
manage to make it back to my apartment without him catching up. I fall to my
knees as soon as I’m inside, crumbling to the floor within seconds. What on
earth have I done? What have I agreed to? I’ve got to be the most despicable,
hateful person on the planet for agreeing to such a disgusting thing.
I
don’t know how long I’m sat there. It could be a few minutes or a couple of
hours, I really don’t know. The only thing that to distract me is the sound of
my phone, dragging me back to the real world and the present. I glance down at
the screen and almost throw up when I see Zack’s name. I consider deleting it
straight away, do I even want to read it? What will it say? Has he changed his
mind already? Has it all be one huge joke? A test? What could he possibly have
to say to me so soon after I ran away from him? My curiosity becomes too much
and I reach for my phone before I change my mind. I open the message with
shaking hands, terrified of what I’m about to read.
Zack: You said
yes, Samantha. There’s no going back on that. You and I are going to happen and
it’s going to happen soon. I’ll be in touch with the details. Until then, take
care.
Take
care? That’s all he has to say me! He’s unbelievable.
I’m
unbelievable.
I don’t know what the hell I think I’m doing, I must be out of my mind. My
anxiety is already out of control, what’s going to happen now that I’ve agreed
to this? I’ve hated myself for so long, I don’t want to feel that way anymore.
This is going to make things a thousand times worse. I’ve made a difficult
situation impossible and now I know there’s no way out of this. I’m trapped,
lost, confused and afraid.
There’s
only one thing I’m certain of and that’s him. We’ll allow ourselves to be
together. For one night we’ll allow ourselves to give into temptation and then
we’ll never speak of it again.
Never.
At
least that’s what I tell myself.
Chapter Seven
“So
how are things between you and Zack?” I ask my sister over coffee a few days
later.
She
just popped round to my place after visiting her friend who lives nearby and
we’re seated on the sofa, one of us at either end.
“We’re
great. Both of us are getting really excited about the wedding, we’re meeting
with the wedding planner on Friday afternoon.” She says cheerfully, taking a
sip from her coffee.
“Wedding
planner?”
“Yeah,
what’s wrong with having a wedding planner?” She replies defensively.
“I
just can’t think of anyone who would actually want to take on that role. You’re
going to be a nightmare, Rach. You’ll be an absolute nightmare, you’re going to
be the worst Bridezilla she’ll ever encounter. I think I better warn this planner
of yours to back out now before it’s too late.” I joke, dodging her foot as she
playfully tries to kick me with it.
“Stop
it. I’m not that bad, am I?”
“Rachel,
I remember what you were like when it was your prom. I can only imagine how
unbearable you’ll be when it comes to your wedding.”
“It’s
not going to be like that.
I’m
not going to be that way. That’s why
we’ve decided to get a planner, she’ll be able to take on some of the load,
help me get things sorted and take some of the pressure off me.”
“And
Zack’s ok with this?”
“Of
course he is.” She says confidently.
“He’s…
he’s still staying with his parents?” I inquire warily, not wanting to arouse
her suspicion. The last thing I want is for her to start questioning my
interest in her fiancé.
“Yeah.
I mean, I miss him and hate us being apart but I can understand him wanting to
spend some quality time with them before we get wed.”
“He
could still spend time with them, even if he does decide to stay with you.”
“I
know but it’s not the same, is it? Besides, his brother is back home now and I
really don’t mind giving them all the space to spend time together as a family.”
“That’s
really considerate of you.”
“Well,
it’s tough but we’ll get through it. We’re still house hunting, we could find
something any day now.” She says hopefully.
I
can’t help the sharp pang of guilt I feel when I see her being so optimistic.
She has absolutely no idea about last Friday night, Zack picking me up, our
visit to the lake or our plan. She hasn’t got a clue and I know I have to do
everything in my power to keep it that way. I cannot risk losing my sister and
that’s exactly what would happen if she found out the truth.
I
haven’t heard from Zack since Friday night and that was five days ago. Today is
Wednesday, a day I have off and the day my sister chose to turn up at my
apartment unexpectedly. I was taken by surprise because I didn’t expect to see
her. I’ve been avoiding her since Friday, making up excuses that would explain
why I couldn’t meet up and faking tiredness when she asked to come over in the
evenings. I know it’s a despicable thing to do but I just couldn’t face her. I
was worried she’d be able to see right through me, recognise the deceit in my
eyes and accuse me of betraying her and lying to her face. I couldn’t live with
myself if that happened, Rachel’s been the only member of my family who
continues to support me. She’s the only sister I have and I can scarcely
believe the deception I’m already guilty of.
I’ve
thought about what Zack and I discussed, I’ve barely slept since that night and
know tonight won’t be any different. I feel like I’m silently going insane, I
can’t sleep, eat, think or concentrate on anything and was so tempted to take
some time off work because of my absolute exhaustion. I’ve gone to call him
countless times, so close to going through with it before I change my mind and
hang up. The only reason I’ve not gone through with it is because I don’t want
to provoke anything. I’m starting to hope he’s changed my mind and I’m worried
that if I contact him first, it might prompt him into changing his mind back
again. He might think I’m pressurising him if I contact him first and I refuse
to be that girl. I refuse to be clingy, desperate, weak and available. If Zack
has something to say to me then he can be the one to get in touch. Until then,
I’m going to assume Friday night was a mistake, an error in judgement and our
sanity. I’m going to avoid him like the plague and do everything I can to keep
myself away from him. I do not plan on following through with anything we
talked about it. It makes me sick to my stomach and I have no idea what I was
thinking.
“Sam,
did you hear what I said?” Rachel’s question pulls me back to the present,
reminding me of my surroundings and my innocent sister sitting before me.
“Sorry,
what did you say?”
“I
asked if you would mind spending a few nights with me and mum at home. I’m
feeling all left out. Zack is spending time with his family, it only feels
right that I do the same.”
“You’ve
got to be kidding. You think I’ll be able to spend the night under the same
roof as mum? I’ll end up chucking myself out the window.”
“Don’t
say things like that, Sam! Please just think about it. Mum’s actually going
away for a few days over the weekend and I thought it would be nice for the two
of us to stay at home together.”
Under
normal circumstances I’d be thrilled by the prospect of spending some quality
time with my sister but after everything that transpired last week, it just
wouldn’t feel right. I’m in torment because of my guilt and spending time alone
with Rachel will only make things ten times worse. However, I know I can’t keep
evading her like I have been. She deserves so much better than my ambiguity and
I need to start reaching out to her more. I should grit my teeth and help her
out, ignore the agonising pain it causes me and show more of an interest in the
wedding. It might even make me feel a little better, sacrificing my own
feelings to help Rachel is the least I can do.
“OK.
If that’s what you really want, it’s fine by me.”
“Thanks
so much! I promise you we’ll have a great time together. I can fill you in on
the last couple of years I’ve been away and you can help me out with all this
crazy wedding stuff.”
“I’d
love to. Just let me know what you need and I’ll try my best to help.”
“Thanks,
Sam. You’re so good to me.” She squeezes my hand before offering to make us
both another cup of coffee, taking our now empty cups into the kitchen.
I
can feel my emotions are about to get the best of me and I have to close my eyes
against the tears that threaten to spill out of them. My guilt is excruciating
and I know I’m going to have to live with it for the rest of my life.
I
smile at Rachel as she makes her way out of the kitchen, taking the steaming
hot cup from her.
“You
remembered I only take one sugar, right?” I ask, taking the steaming hot cup
from her.
“Yes,
I remembered.” She says irritably, curling up on the sofa beside me.
“Listen,
I know it’s all been about the wedding since I got back but I know how
difficult things for you have been lately. We can talk about things once you to
come to stay, I know you told me a little when we went out for coffee but there
must be other things you need to get off your chest. What I mean to say is… I’m
here for you. I know I’m all excited about the engagement and a little
preoccupied right now but that’s why I want to make some time for the two of us
to reconnect. We’ve got the perfect opportunity now that mum’s going away for a
couple of days.”
I
can’t stand to see so much kindness in her eyes. I don’t deserve it, I don’t
deserve anything positive from her ever again.
“I
don’t want to be a burden to you and I don’t want to ruin a single moment of
your happiness right now. This is
your
time and your moment to be
happy.” I assure her, painting an optimistic smile onto my face.
“When
will your moment be, Sam?” She whispers, taking my hands in hers.
The
look of concern she gives me pierces my heart. Her compassion is overwhelming
and a part of me is screaming at me to run away from it. I’m not worthy of her
kindness, support or understanding.
“I’ll
be fine. My cognitive behavioural therapy will start soon and my anxiety is
under control. I’ll be ok.” I speak confidently, trying to mask the underlying
fear I have bubbling underneath.
“You
never told me you were planning on starting CBT. Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“You’ve
had so much to deal with, Rachel. It’s not that a big deal.” I shrug my
shoulders, struggling to remain casual and unconcerned by it.
“Of
course it is! It’s huge. How do you feel about it? You’re feeling positive,
right?”
“I’m
willing to give it a go. The doctor said it’s all about changing the way that
you think, your negative thought patterns and the way you choose to handle your
worries.”
“It
sounds like he knows what he’s talking about.”
“He
does. That’s why I trust what he’s saying and I’m prepared to try it. There’s a
waiting list but at least I’m on it now.”
“That’s
my girl! I’m so proud of you.” She beams at me with sparkling eyes and a
buoyant grin.
“Don’t
be. I haven’t achieved anything yet.” I murmur quietly.
“You
have, Samantha. I think the world of you, you know that, don’t you?”
“Despite
what mum thinks?” I raise my eyebrows at her, needing to know she doesn’t feel
the same way about me as my mother. I couldn’t bear it if she thought me a
failure as well.
“Listen,
I don’t know what the deal is with you and her. Ever since we were kids there’s
been a problem there but what you need to understand is her issues are her own,
don’t let her force them onto you.”
“I
won’t, I promise.”
“Good.
So you’re going to come and stay on Friday night?”
“Friday?”
I say in confusion.
“That’s
when mum’s going away, she’ll be back on Sunday. I thought you could come over
straight after you’ve finished work.”
“Won’t
you be seeing Zack on Friday?”
The
last thing I want right now is to see him. I’m absolutely terrified to find out
what my reaction will be to him.
“Nope,
just the two of us. Girls only.” She winks at me playfully, clearly excited by
the time she wants us to spend together.
“I’ll
be there.”
Friday
comes around really fast. I’m an hour away from finishing work, ignoring the
continuous vibration of my phone coming from my locker where my bag is. I don’t
know who it is but they’re driving me mad with this incessant calling. I’ve got
a child on my lap and I’m in the middle of reading ‘
We’re Going on a Bear
Hunt
’ to her. The rest of the children have already been collected and her
mother should be here any minute to pick her daughter up.
I’m
completely in love with the little girl sitting on my lap. She’s a blonde hair,
blue eyes angel and if I’m being entirely honest, she’s one of my favourites.
She’s completely enthralled in the book I’m reading to her and I can only wish
I was so enamoured with the story. I’m absolutely exhausted due to the fact
that I haven’t been able to sleep properly since last Friday night, the same
night Zack took me to the lake and told me about his proposition. I still
haven’t heard from him since that night and I suppose that’s why I’m so anxious
to find out who’s calling me.
“Mummy’s
here, Rosie.” Audrey announces cheerfully, causing the two of us to look up
from our reading.
“I’ll
see you later, Rosie. We can read the rest of the story next week.” I tell her,
helping her off my lap before handing her the book to place back on the shelf.
“Bye!”
She yells, racing over to her mum who’s standing by the door.
I
grin at her and watch her go. She’s only three years old and has her whole life
ahead of her. She’s completely sheltered and safe, I’m guessing her only worry
is what type of cereal she’s going to eat in the morning and that’s exactly how
it should be.
That’s
not how it was for you.
A nasty, heartless voice whispers in my ear, causing
me to shiver. I
hate
that voice and I always have done. It’s been with
me for years and there’s nothing I can do to get rid of it. Most of the time I
simply try to ignore it but some days I find that really, really difficult.
“You
ok, Sam?” Audrey asks, frowning at me in concern. She’s such a lovely lady,
she’s a terrific boss and I’m so fortunate I got the job here. There’s no one
else I’d rather work for.
“I’m
fine, just a little bit tired. I’ve not been sleeping too well lately.” I say,
dragging my fingers through my wavy hair.
“Something
bothering you?” She asks softly.
“Nope.
I’m good.” I lie, trying really, really hard to sound convincing.
“Sam,
if you ever want to talk… I’m here.” She tells me, offering me a kind smile.