“You
don’t think I know how messed up this is? You think I don't know how sick and
twisted it is of me to want you? I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't even
be thinking about you in this way but that doesn't change the fact that I do!
Samantha, I want you every second of every minute of every day and it’s killing
me. I can't stay away from you anymore, I just can't do it. I need you and I
know you feel the same way about me. We belong together and nothing you say or
do is going to convince me otherwise. When I’m with her... I’m aching for you,
I physically hurt because I can't be with you and I don't know what the hell
I'm supposed to do to make this right! Every single night you manage to invade
my dreams, you consume every damn thought I have and there's no escaping it.
The idea of never being able to have you is making me crazy. You're driving me
insane and I'm seriously close to losing my mind if you tell me I can't have
one more night with you. I can’t sleep, I can't eat... I can't even think about
anything else other than you. You’re not the wrong girl, Samantha, she is.”
There’s
a moment of silence between us. A moment which distorts the actual length of
time. He continues to watch me closely, pleading with his eyes for me to
believe him and… despite everything, regardless of what he did or didn’t do
last night with my sister… I
do
.
“Say
something.” He beseeches me, placing both of his hands on my shoulders.
He
turns my body to face him, struggling to gain eye contact with me. I close my
eyes, needing a moment without the intensity of his gaze on me so I can process
my thoughts.
“I
believe you. I believe you’re telling me the truth.” I confess, slowly opening
my eyes to look at him, at the man who takes my breath away.
“Thank
God.” He exhales loudly, tightening the hold he has on me.
“But
that doesn’t mean we can be together.” I murmur softly, taking a step back.
“What?”
His face pales with dismay and devastation. “No, don’t say that. Please.” He
grabs me and crushes our bodies together, lowering his mouth towards mine.
“Zack,
you know it’s true.” I place my palms against his chest, gently pushing him
away.
“No.
No, I don’t. Is it because of Rachel? If that’s the only reason why you think we
can’t be together then I
promise
you right now… we
will
make it work.
Just give me a chance to prove it to you.”
“Zack,
there are so many things you don’t know. So many parts of me you aren’t even
aware of. I’m…I’m broken and there’s nothing you can do about it. There’s a
beautiful, confident, dazzling woman in there. She’s your fiancé, she’s the
woman you asked to marry you and above all else… she’s not me.”
“I
want it to be you! I need that more anything. God, I’m sorry about last night.
I’d do anything to erase it. You have to believe me!” He tugs on his hair in
violent anguish, his desolation and despair is difficult for me to watch and I really
have to stifle every single instinct that I have to reach out and comfort him.
“Goodbye
Zack.” I whisper, choking back the tears as I turn my back on him.
I’m
about to leave when his fingers curl around my wrist, gently tugging me towards
him. My back rests against his chest as he whispers softly into my ear.
“I
know about the baby.”
“W-what?”
I stammer breathlessly, fighting the anxiety that’s already begun to build up
inside of me.
“I
know about your baby and I’m sorry. Sorry will never be enough but it’s all
I’ve got. If that’s what you mean by telling me that you’re broken, if that’s
what you mean when you tell me that I don’t truly know you then… I do. Or at
least I could, nothing could ever make me want you any less. Nothing in this
entire world.” He assures me, tracing his fingertips along the inside of my
wrist, dancing with my pulse point as it quickens.
“Who
told you?” I ask, struggling to keep the tremor out of my voice.
“Rachel.
She didn’t mean to, I practically forced it out of her.” He explains calmly.
“I…”
I
can’t even speak. I’m at a loss for words. The excruciating pain his revelation
has brought me cannot be described. No one can understand the tragedy and
heartache that comes from losing a child, under
any
circumstances. It is
a pain that lives on inside you long after that nameless, faceless child has
gone.
“It
wasn’t your fault, Sam. I know what happened to you and you are not to blame.”
He assures me, drawing circles with his thumb against my skin.
“I-I
have to go.” I somehow find the strength to break free from his grasp and make
a dash for the balcony doors.
“I
saw your face at the table. I saw the terror in your eyes when his name was
mentioned and I want to know why.”
His
voice stops me in my tracks. I know exactly what he’s talking about and I was
foolish to think that he wouldn’t have spotted it. His impassioned gaze refused
to leave me throughout the entire meal, I should have known he would pick up on
my fear. Emotion that powerful and strong cannot be contained, neither will it
be overlooked by someone as perceptive as Zack.
“It’s
nothing.” I lie, refusing to turn around and face him.
I
know that I will crumble if I look into his eyes. He will recognise the angst
in them and see through my deceptive façade.
“Don’t
lie to me. As soon as your Uncle’s name was mentioned you turned pale. I’ve never
witnessed anything like it and I want to know the truth. Tell me.” He persists
firmly, demanding an answer I cannot give him.
The
truth.
The
truth is something I cannot mention and refuse to acknowledge, not even to
myself. It’s something so dark and so terrible... it has existed inside of me
for sixteen years and its constant torment is something I have become used to.
Sleepless nights, horrifying nightmares and questioning my sanity is my normal.
I don’t know any different and I swore to myself a long time ago that I would
never reveal the truth. I made the unfortunate mistake of confiding in one
person, I told her many years ago and will not make the same mistake again.
“There
is nothing to tell, whatever you think you saw is false. You’re mistaken.”
And
with that I leave him. I do not turn back and I do not show him that my heart
is breaking. When you keep from the world your innermost self… you must learn
to live with the consequence of your decision.
This
is mine.
Chapter Fifteen
I’ve
been sitting on the bathroom floor for the last thirty minutes. My intention
was to run a hot bath, immerse myself in it and try to forget about every
single even that took place this evening. I didn’t even make it through my
front door before I broke down in tears. I carried my wretched body into the
bathroom and collapsed against the wall, falling to the floor in what I can
only describe as a hopeless mess.
I’ve
refused to acknowledge what happened to me when I was seven years old. It’s always
been far too painful for me to admit what happened to myself, let alone to
anyone else and I just can’t do it, I cannot allow myself to remember. Not now,
not ever.
A
loud banging on my front door yanks me out of my reflective and destitute
state. I frantically fumble for the handle on the bathroom door so I can pull
myself up, certain I no longer have the energy to stand by myself. I glance in
the bathroom mirror and wipe away my tears, ignoring the black mascara I only
succeed in smearing everywhere.
I’m
guessing its Jason who’s demanding I answer the front door, persistently
knocking until I surrender and let him in. I still haven’t seen him since
Sunday morning when he made that ridiculously inappropriate suggestion to me
and I’m sure he’s desperate to apologise and take back his offer. However, that
still doesn’t mean I want to talk to him right now or that I want him to see me
in this state.
I
think about ignoring him. I can always say I was asleep if he decides to tackle
me about it later. I just can’t be doing with explaining myself to him right
now, or to anyone for that matter.
The
sound of my phone ringing is the next disturbance, startling me into action. I
hurry into the living room and reach for my phone, groaning when I notice
Zack’s name come up across the screen. He’s calling me.
“H-hello.”
I answer, struggling to hold the phone against my ear with my trembling hand.
“Listen, you can’t phone me right now, Zack. I think Jason’s outside and I
really don’t want to speak to him right now.”
“Sam,
it’s
me
outside. I need to talk to you so open up before I break this
door down.” He explains patiently, bringing the persistent knocking on my door
to a halt.
“You’re
the one who’s been banging on my front door?”
“Yes.”
He sighs wearily, quickly becoming impatient.
“But
why are you here?” I ask, battling to maintain some of my dignity and
composure.
“I’m
here because I have to speak to you and I’m not going anywhere until you let me
in. I’ll camp out here all night if I have to.” He says decidedly.
The
fierce tone in his voice is enough to convince me that he’s entirely serious. I
dejectedly hang up the phone before bracing myself for the repercussions of our
earlier conversation. I know he means what he says, he won’t leave until I talk
to him and I owe him that much at least.
“Come
in.” I say softly, opening the front door to my apartment.
“Thank
you.” He smiles weakly, brushing past me as he enters the living room.
He
does a double take when he sees me, observing my dishevelled appearance,
swollen eyes and smudged make-up.
“I
know I look awful. I really need to start wearing waterproof mascara.” I joke,
raking my fingers through my blonde tresses.
“Am
I the reason for that? Or is it something else?” He asks, taking a step closer
towards me.
“W-what
do you mean?” I stammer nervously.
“Look,
I came here for some answers and I’m not leaving until you give them to me.”
“I
don’t know what you want me to tell you, Zack.” I whisper, side stepping him
when he gets too close.
I
walk to the other side of the room, anxious to put some distance between us.
“I
want to know why you fear your uncle.”
“I…
I don’t.” I lie, purposefully keeping my back to him.
“I
saw it in your eyes when his name was mentioned and I want to know why. Tell
me.” His voice draws nearer until I know he’s right behind me, relentless,
unyielding and ruthless in his pursuit.
“I
just don’t like him, I never have done.” I try and shrug it off as though it’s
no big deal, desperate to convince myself just as much as Zack.
“It’s
more than that.”
“Zack,
please don’t.”
“Whatever
it is… you can tell me. You
can
trust me, Samantha.”
“Can
I?” I ask, whirling around to face him.
“How
can you even ask me that?”
“You
had sex with my sister last night.” I reply coldly, narrowing my eyes at him. “You
made love to her, Zack. You kissed her, touched her and yet you say you have true
feelings for me, how can I believe that?”
“If
I could erase last night I would! But I’ve already explained to why that
happened. I was completely out of it and I swear to God I was already half
insane from missing you and being apart for so long. I hadn’t slept, I couldn’t
eat. I couldn’t even function without you, Sam. I just needed somebody and I
already know how pathetic that makes me but it’s the truth.” He pleads with me,
taking my hands in his.
“Ok,
let me ask you something. How would you feel? How would you feel if I had sex
with someone else last night?” I challenge, narrowing my eyes at him.
He
turns white as the hold he has on my wrists tightens.
“Don’t.”
He warns me, a dark and sombre tone invading his voice. “It would kill me and
you know that. Just the thought of it is enough to crucify me, does that make
you happy?”
“No,
it doesn’t. I just want you to understand how I feel.” I reply weakly, staring
at the floor beneath us.
“I
won’t touch her again.” He assures me, using his index finger to tilt my chin
up.
“You
can’t make me that promise!” I yell in frustration. “You’re not mine!”
“Goddammit
I want to be! Have you not be listening to a single thing I’ve told you? Do you
really not understand the depth of my feelings? One word from you and I swear I’ll
call the engagement off. I’ll do it.” He says firmly, a steely resolve staring
back at me.
“And
you’re really willing to break her heart?” I ask in astonishment.
“Yes.
If that means that I can have you. I would sacrifice anything and anyone to be
with you.”
“I
don’t want to lose my sister!” I wail, tugging on my hair in torment, ignoring
the salty tears that are already threatening to spill over.
“Not
necessarily.” He soothes me. “In time she might understand.”
“Are
you kidding me? How will she ever be ok with this? How will she ever be ok with
us
?”
There’s
a prolonged silence between us, one which neither one of us are willing to
break anytime soon. I want to pull away but the attraction I feel towards him
is far too powerful for me to ignore. I ache for this man and crave his touch
more than anything in this world. There’s an undeniable, all-consuming force
that continues to draw me closer. I can no longer fight it and the truth is… I
don’t think I want to.
“There’s
something else we need to discuss.” Zack pulls away and gazes down at me, an
unwavering and resolute expression on his face.
“What
is it?”
I’m
fully aware of the subject matter he’s referring to but honestly don’t know if
I have the strength to face it head on. Only once have I ever spoke about what
happened to me and when I did it was met with so much contempt, disbelief and
ridicule… I swore I would never speak about it again.
“Your
Uncle. You need to tell me the truth about him, Sam.”
“Why?”
I whisper softly, struggling to control the tremors coursing through my body.
“Because
what I’ve got in my head is so terrible and so dark, I need to know it isn’t
true.”
“And
what’s in your head?” I ask him, almost wanting
him
to say the words so
I won’t have to.
“The
hideous possibility that he might have hurt you.” He practically growls, a dark
shadow crossing over his face, turning his brown eyes an unsettling shade of
black.
“H-he.”
I stammer helplessly, emotionally and physically unable to say the words.
“Tell
me.” He urges, stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb.
“I
can’t.”
“Baby,
you
can
. No matter how horrible it is… you can tell me.”
“It
was sixteen years ago, do you know how long ago that is?” I breathe in deeply,
frantically trying to find the internal strength to continue.
“It
doesn’t matter when it was. I need to know.” Zack persists, obstinately
refusing to let this go.
I
close my eyes, willing the unwanted thoughts and images to leave my mind. It’s
been eleven years since I spoke about this and I swore when I was twelve that I
would never tell another living soul.
Not
after what she did.
“It
was after my father died. Harry stayed with us for a while, helping my mum with
the funeral arrangements and being there to support the rest of us. He had
always been much closer with Rachel than he was with me and that’s why I was so
surprised when he started paying me so much attention. I was seven years old
and he made me feel so special. He was always telling me how pretty I was and how
cute I looked in my new outfits. He said I was his blonde haired angel.” I
pause for breath, knowing the hard part has only just begun.
“Go
on.” Zack runs his fingers through my hair, instantly providing me with comfort
and composure.
“I
was flattered. I was grieving for my father and desperately missing the father
figure I had always relied upon in my life. I was desperate for some sort of attention
since he passed away and my mother never seemed to have any time for me as a
child. It became even more apparent after my father died and that’s why I was
in awe of Harry, he was handsome, successful, younger and charismatic. He made
me feel so cherished and… safe.” I stop talking and move over towards the
window, gazing out at the empty car park beyond the glass.
I
can’t look at him when I say this. I just can’t.
“What
did he do?”
I
can feel Zack’s presence coming up behind me as he approaches, forcing me to
sidestep him as I cross to the other side of the room.
“Please
don’t touch me.” I beg him, scrambling to put distance between his body and
mine.
“Shh.
It’s ok, I’m not going to touch you.” He holds his hands up in surrender,
assuring me he means me no harm.
“What
I’m about to tell you can never leave this room, Zack. Ever. You have to
promise me that you will never tell anyone and I truly mean that.”
“Samantha…”
He trails off, leaning back against the wall behind him.
“If
you don’t promise me, I won’t tell you.”
He
pauses, weighing up the request I’m forcing him to adhere to.
“I
promise.” He replies reluctantly.
I
nod my head in acknowledgement, mentally preparing myself to retell what
happened.
“It
was the night before he was due to leave. We were in the house alone, my
younger brother was staying over at a friend’s house and I’m not sure where my
mum was with Rachel. I had been asleep for a while and woke up when I heard
someone fall over, as though they had tripped on something. He fell onto the
bed and… he started to touch me. He told me to be quiet. He said I was his good
little girl and that I would get a reward if I just let him do what he wanted.
I was absolutely terrified, my whole body froze and I couldn’t understand why
any of it was happening to me. I kept blinking in the darkness, praying to all
of the angels in heaven to wake me up from my nightmare.” I stop talking,
needing a moment to process the things I just told him, details which I’ve
never told anyone before.
“No.”
Zack murmurs to himself, shaking his head. “No, no, no, no, no.” He continues
to repeat himself, pacing back and forth as he roughly drags his fingers across
his face.
“He
didn’t rape me, Zack. He was far too clever for that. He… he inserted his
fingers inside of me and that’s why I can’t bear that to ever happen to me
again. It’s why I wouldn’t let you do it when we spent our first night together
in the hotel.” I confess, remembering the confusion on Zack’s face that night.
He
didn’t understand why I was so against him pleasuring me in that way. At least
now I hope my twisted revelation will explain my reasons why.
“My
God... I had no idea. Baby, I’m so sorry… I don’t know what to say…
fuck!
How
the hell has that monster been allowed to get away with it for all these years?
How did no one notice? Why did they leave you alone with him? What the fuck was
your mother playing at?!” He roars, clenching his fists in fury.
“Zack,
please.” I whisper, attempting to calm him.