“All
these years you’ve carried the weight of that around by yourself. All these
years you’ve been suffering, torturing yourself about what happened and to know
that you went through this alone… to know that you didn’t have anyone to
confide in...” His voice fades as he trails off, unable to finish his sentence.
“I
did.” I murmur softly, closing my eyes.
“What?”
He asks incredulously, glaring at me from across the room.
“I
did
confide in someone.” I admit, fighting the sudden urge I have to let
it all out and break down in tears. “I told my mum.”
“When?”
He demands, striding over towards me, invading my personal space as he grabs
hold of my shoulders.
“When
I was twelve. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t keep it to myself for a
moment longer and it all just tumbled out of me. I told her everything, Zack. I
opened up to her in a way I never had done before and never will again.”
“What
did she say?”
“Nothing.
She remained silent for the longest time, I actually thought she hadn’t heard
me.”
“Tell
me, Sam.”
“She
looked at me with those cold eyes of hers, narrowing them in disgust and
contempt. She only spoke one word to me and after that we never discussed it
again.” I inhale sharply, recalling the venomous way in which she treated me
that day and every day ever since.
“What
did she say to you?” He urges me to continue, stroking his fingertips through
my hair.
“
Liar
.”
“
What?
”
He whispers, pulling back from me so he can look into my eyes, disbelief and
rage taking over his tone.
“She
called me a liar and turned her back on me. She walked away and neither one of
us has mentioned it ever since.”
“I
don’t believe this. You actually told her what that cunt of an uncle did to you
and she called you a liar? That fucking bitch.” He snarls venomously, turning
red with fury.
“Zack,
please! This is the last thing I need to hear from you right now.” I plead with
him, clinging onto him to stop him storming out my front door.
“Jesus…
what a witch she is. I always knew she was a cold-hearted bitch but I had no
idea she would do something as twisted as that, especially to her own daughter.
It was her job to protect you and she failed. You deserve so much better than
her, Sam.”
“I
know all of this, Zack. I realised what sort of woman she is a long time ago
and she can’t hurt me anymore, not now.” I say resolvedly, folding my arms across
my chest in an attempt to protect myself.
“You
know you don’t need her, right? You know you don’t need a poisonous thing like
that in your life.” He assures me, prising me out of my own embrace so he can
take over instead.
“I
found out what she was like a very long time ago, you don’t need to remind me.”
“God,
I’m so sorry.” He apologises sincerely, looking wretched and entirely helpless.
“What the fuck am I supposed to say? I have no idea what to say to you, Sam.
How do I make this right?”
“It’s
fine.” I shrug evasively, trying to pretend that none of this is tormenting the
depth of my soul.
“No,
it’s not fine. None of this is fine! You were sexually abused by your uncle,
let down and abandoned by your mother and… then there’s me.” He mumbles
quietly, lowering his gaze to the floor beneath us.
“You?”
I ask in confusion.
“I’m
someone who hurt you just like they did. I’ve let you down, broke your heart
and caused you to feel pain. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I’m
one of the people who has made you suffer.”
He
sounds so distraught and so tortured by his guilt that I can’t help reaching
out for him, instantly wanting to soothe his pain.
“Zack,
don’t you dare compare yourself to them. You have not hurt me like they did,
ok? And I don’t ever want you to say that to me again, do you understand me?” I
force him to look at me, grabbing hold of his chin firmly.
“But
I have hurt you, Sam. You said it yourself.” He mumbles to himself, almost
inaudibly.
“It’s
different! Harry
deliberately
hurt me and my mum deliberately chose to
turn her back on me.” I hesitate, noticing the unshed tears in his eyes, threatening
to fall. “You didn’t want to hurt me at all. I know that’s never been your intention,
Zack.”
“I
want to kill him.” He growls, yanking himself free from my grasp. “I physically
want to strangle the fucking life out of that piece of shit for what he did to
you.”
“You
can’t.” I reply calmly, instantly deciding that I will never allow Zack get his
hands on my uncle.
Never.
No
way am I losing him because of that lowlife, it’s not going to happen.
“Why
the hell not?” He barks fiercely, glowering at me with bitterness.
“Because
no one can know. Ever.”
“Samantha,
you
have
to tell someone. We can’t keep this to ourselves.” He argues,
trying to reason with me.
“I
don’t have a choice. It’s been so long, Zack. It’s been sixteen years since it
happened, who the hell is going to believe me now?”
“The
police! They’ll be able to see that you’re telling them the truth and they will
make sure you get justice.
I’ll
damn well make sure of it.” He states
resolutely.
“If
you really want to help me right now then you will keep this to yourself, just
for now, Zack. Please.” I beg him, closing the narrow space between us by
taking a step towards him.
“Ok.”
He eventually concedes, sighing wearily.
“Thank
you.” I whisper softly.
“But
no way is that sick fuck coming anywhere near you. He will not set foot in this
country, I promise you.”
“Zack,
you can’t stop him. My mum has already decided that she wants him to give
Rachel away at the wedding, we don’t have the power to stop her. Once she gets
an idea in her head… she’s relentless.”
“It’s
not going to happen.” He responds simply, absolutely certain.
“You
don’t know my mother. She knows how to manipulate people and how to get her own
way, that’s clearly what she’s done with Rachel.”
“Does
Rachel or anyone else besides your so called mother know about this? Please
don’t tell me that Rachel knows about what he did to you and still agreed to
him coming anywhere near you.”
“She
doesn’t know.” I tell him, taking a seat on the sofa behind me. “I could never
find the strength to confide in her, especially after the reaction I got from
my mum.”
“So
what does she know?” He asks, kneeling down in front of me.
“Rachel
knows I don’t like him and she knows that he makes me uneasy but that’s about
it. That’s the reason why she looked so guilty when my mum made the
announcement about him coming over for the wedding, she knew I would be uncomfortable
with it.”
“I
don’t believe this. I don’t
want
to believe any of it.” He hands his head
and takes hold of my hands, cradling them in his.
“Zack,
there’s something I need to know. H-how can you still want to be with me after
you know about the baby?” I ask him, struggling to understand how he has yet to
judge me for my decision.
Of
course I’m referring to the baby I aborted five years ago, the child I still
carry with me inside my soul. The nameless, faceless baby I cherished from the
very start, the unborn child I fell in love with but was too terrified to keep.
“Sweetheart…”
He sighs wearily, tightening the grip he has on my clasped hands. “You were
faced with an agonising decision in a hopeless situation and you need to stop
punishing yourself for the circumstances you found yourself in as an eighteen
year old girl. The day you forgive yourself is the day you will find peace and
accept what happened as a tragic part of your life. You don’t have the power to
change now and you need to move forward from that sadness and if you let me...
I would love to be the one to help you.”
My
tears are uncontrollable as they fall down my face. Never in my life have I
received compassion like this from another human being and for the first time
in my entire life, I actually feel accepted. Zack makes me feel safe and that’s
an unfamiliar and disconcerting emotion for me to be experiencing.
“God,
Zack. How the hell are we going to get through this?” I wail, removing my hands
from his grasp as I tug on my hair in despair.
“I
have no idea but I
know
we can. Together, we can do anything.” He
assures me, forcing my gaze back towards his.
“This
is such a mess.”
“How
do I make this better? How can I make this better for you? Tell me, Samantha.
I’m willing to do anything.”
“I
know you are.”
“So
tell me. Tell me what you need, baby. I want to make this go away for you, all
of it.”
I
hesitate for a moment, contemplating all the ways he could fix what is wrong
with me and everything that has been wrong with me from the very start. There’s
only one idea that springs to mind. It’s entirely inappropriate and what I mean
by that is all I want is him. Pure and simple, he’s all I want.
Right
here, right now.
“I
can’t say it.”
“You
can tell me anything, you know that, Sam. What is it? What is it you need?”
“You.
I need you.”
He
continues to stare at me, trying to decipher exactly what it is I mean. A
sudden realisation passes over him and he nods gently. He knows.
“Turn
around and face the wall behind you.” He directs me, moving back to give me the
space to move.
I
do as he asks without question, knowing he has this under control and will take
care of me. I trust him implicitly and understand that although I have no idea
what is yet to come, he will be the only one who will keep me safe, the only
one who has my best interests at heart.
“What
now?”
“Take
your clothes off.”
I
follow his instructions and remove my clothing, standing naked with my back to
him as I tremble slightly. I inhale sharply when I feel the palm of his hand
gently press against the centre of my spine, pushing me forward. I hold my
hands out to support my weight on the sofa, bent over at the waist as I feel
his scorching gaze on my body.
“Open
your legs.” He demands, waiting for me to comply. “More.” He states firmly,
encouraging me to be even more brazen than I already am in this position.
I’m
breathing heavily as I arch my back, spreading my thighs as I lower my chest.
Never in my life have I been exposed to someone like this. I’m willing, open
and aroused beyond belief. The evidence of my excitement must be apparent to
him as I can feel the moisture from myself trickling down my thighs. In any
other circumstance I would be mortified and self-conscious, finding it
impossible to believe that I would allow myself to be seen like this.
“Fuck,
you’re so wet for me. Look at that little pussy begging to be tasted.”
“Zack…”
I moan powerlessly, squirming in discomfort as I physically ache for his touch.
“What
is it you want, baby? Do you want me to touch you?”
He
deliberately tortures me by evading my movements, taking a step back when I
circle my hips. This angers me more than I can explain and I practically whimper
in frustration.
“Yes!”
“Beg
me.”
“Please,
Zack. Please give me what I want from you, what I
need
. You have no idea
how desperate I am for you. Please don’t do this to me.”
“Shh.”
He soothes me. “I’m going to take care of you, I’m going to give you exactly
what your body craves.”
I
hear a noise behind me as he changes his position, heightening my curiosity
even further. I’m just about to ask him what he’s going to do when I feel his
strong hands on me. They grab the inside of my thighs, wrenching them apart
before his tongue eagerly finds its way between my legs. I moan loudly,
delighting in this indescribable sensation this provides me, curling my hands
into fists as I gently rock back and forth against him.
A
deep, masculine groan is released from the back of his throat as he continues
to feast on the scorching centre of my core. His tongue is mesmerising as it
brings me to the very brink of ecstasy and then pulls back. His merciless
torment is addictive and I find myself divided, equally wanting to find my
release as well as wanting to hold back. I’m so desperate to prologue this
moment between us, I never want it to end.
“God,
you’re soaking. You’re pussy is dripping wet for me, Samantha. You want this…
you need this just as much as I do.”
“Yes,
yes! God… yes, please don’t stop, Zack.”
He
plunges his tongue all the way inside me, gently spreading me with his fingers
so he gain more access. My thighs begin to tremble as I struggle to stay
standing, frantically grasping the sofa beneath me. My hips start to rotate as
I thrust myself back against his face, enjoying the exhilaration and power this
illicit position ignites inside of me.