It
would destroy her if you left.
My subconscious taunts me, a reminder of
what would happen if I were to put an end to our engagement. The humiliation
would be unbearable and there would be a lot of speculation over the reasoning
behind it. God, am I seriously considering this? Am I really thinking about
calling the whole thing off? Would Samantha thank me for it? Would she be
grateful or would it make her hate me even more? She runs away from me every
single time I reach out for her and I don’t know how I can convince her about
how I really feel.
I
turn on the radio, anxious to quieten the disturbing thoughts racing through my
head. ‘Waves’ by Mr. Probz is the first thing I hear and it transports me right
back to the very first night that I met her. It was the song I was listening to
after I dropped Samantha home that first night. I can remember everything about
the evening that Rachel and I announced our engagement, every single detail
about the gathering I was forced to attend at her mum’s house. It’s still so
vivid to me, the miniscule details that I otherwise might have forgotten.
Remember it all because that was the first night that I met her. The night I
met Sam.
I
didn’t understand what was happening to me that night and I still don’t have a
clue. All I do know is that I need her, I need her like I’ve never needed
anybody in my whole life. I have completely fallen for her and if I’m being
entirely honest with myself… I know I love her.
The
remaining problem is,
how
do I convince her? How do I persuade her that
she doesn’t have to deny what she feels for me?
I
return home determined and decided. I know what I want and all I want is
Samantha. I am not a man who fails, I usually get what I want and what I want
is her. I refuse to give up on her and I will do everything in my power to make
her mine. No one else even comes close, not even my fiancé. The girl I proposed
to is the wrong girl and I’m entirely clueless when it comes to what to do
about it.
Chapter Fourteen
Samantha
This
is the last place on earth I want to be right now. I can’t believe I’m actually
standing here, right outside my mum’s front door to attend another one of her
dreadful family gatherings.
I
only got back a few hours ago and didn’t even have enough time to unpack my
things. Rachel called me as soon as I let myself into my apartment, practically
begging me to put in an appearance. I complained and moaned about having to go
but ended up giving into here. It’s almost impossible to refuse Rachel
anything.
So
here I am… smartly dressed and with immaculate make-up, trembling with fear. I
know he’s in there and I really don’t know if I have the physical or emotional
strength to face him. It’s been six days since I last spoke to him and five
since our brief phone call on Sunday morning. I have absolutely no doubt in my
mind that leaving was the right thing to do… I just don’t know if
he
will
see it that way.
I
jumped at the chance when Audrey told me about the small that house she owns,
fully furnished and available for use. She gave me permission to take the week
off, assuring me that she would find a temporary replacement. The fact that I
only work part time finally persuaded me, I knew that it wouldn’t be too much
of an inconvenience for her and happily accepted her offer.
She
drove me there herself. A twenty mile journey and then she had to drive all the
way back again. I repeatedly thanked her, wondering how on earth I would manage
to repay her for her kindness and understanding.
I
texted Rachel on Monday and let her know about my decision to go away for a few
days. I let Jason know as well but chose not to contact Zack. I decided to keep
my phone switched off throughout the week, certain that the much needed peace
and solitude would help me to figure out some of the mixed up thoughts in my
head. However, I spent most of my time thinking about Zack and he continued to
invade my dreams every single night. He consumed most of my waking hours as
well and in the end realised that the time alone wasn’t helping me at all. After
a while I realised I needed to come home and face the music, you can’t run away
from your problems and I you do, they’re certain to catch up with you
eventually.
Knowing
that I’ll see Zack again in a matter of moments is terrifying. I don’t know how
he’ll react or if he’ll even react to me at all. I know he can’t be happy with
me for leaving or for running out on him when he begged me not to. He asked me
not to push him away and that’s exactly what I did.
I’m
seriously considering the undeniable temptation that comes with leaving. I
could simply turn around and go, making sure I phone Rachel later on and make
up some excuse for why I didn’t turn up.
I’m
just about to make my exit when the front door opens and a breath-taking Rachel
pulls me in for a hug.
“I’m
so glad you made it! Thank you for coming!” She throws her arms around my neck,
squeezing me tight in a sisterly embrace.
“It’s
fine. I was happy to come.” I lie, forcing a joyful smile onto my face.
“I
can’t believe you just left without saying a word. I got the biggest shock of
my life when you told me where you were.”
“I
just fancied a change and some time by myself.”
“Are
you sure you’re ok?”
“I’m
sure.” I try my best to be convincing, hoping she won’t see right through my
façade.
“Good
because I have so much to tell you! Oh my God, Sam… I thought things weren’t going
so well between me and Zack and I suppose they weren’t… until last night.”
“L-last
night?” I stammer, battling to ignore the excruciating pain inside my chest.
It’s one I’m all too familiar with and never want to experience again.
Heartbreak.
“Yes!”
She practically squeals excitedly. “We finally spent the night together. God, I
was so worried. It’s been weeks since we last had sex and I couldn’t help
myself from wondering if it was my fault. Anyway, he took me by complete
surprise last night. He fucked my brains out and I could hardly walk this
morning!” She giggles, linking arms with conspiratorially as we make our way
down the hall.
She
has absolutely no idea what her words just did to me. She’s completely
oblivious and that’s how I need it to stay. She can never know that what she
just told me crucified my very soul. I honestly don’t know how I’ve found the
strength to remain standing upright. Every single instinct inside my body is
screaming at me to fall down, fall down and weep.
Zack.
Zack and
her
. Zack and her
together
.
Just
like we were.
“Are
you ok?” Rachel’s question yanks me out of my reverie, pulling me back into the
present.
A
place I really don’t want to be.
“Of
course” I shake my head, pleading with my shattered heart to cooperate just
this once. “I’m just a little tired from my trip, I had just got back when you
phoned me.”
“I’m
sorry, Sis. I really do appreciate you coming here though, Zack told me to
invite you. I think he’s hoping you might be there to save him from our
annoying relatives if they somehow manage to corner him and I’m busy.”
“Oh…”
Of
course that’s all he wants me for. I was foolish to believe anything different.
We
make our way into the main room and I swear I can feel his watchful eyes on me
the second we enter the room. I try to distract myself straight away, heading
over to the table where the drinks are. I grab a glass of champagne and almost
down it in three gulps. I’ve never been drunk before but now feels as good a
time as any.
“Don’t
even
think
about humiliating your sister tonight. I’ve got my eye on you
and don’t you forget it.” My mum whispers, coming up behind me.
“Wow…
love you too, Mum.” I reply icily, purposefully turning my back on her.
We’re
mercifully interrupted by a distant relative wanting to start a conversation
with my mother and I can make my escape. I put as much distance as I can
between me and Zack, busying myself with my phone as I try to avoid eye contact
with him. It proves to be no damn use as I shift uncomfortably underneath his
penetrating gaze. I don’t know where Rachel is and I daren’t look up from my
phone’s screen in case I actually see him.
Maybe
I can say I’m feeling ill?
Maybe I can have a quiet word with my sister and make
up some excuse about how exhausted I am. I’m sure she would understand and be
fine with me leaving so soon…
“Sam,
I need to talk to you.”
I
whirl around and almost collide with him, stumbling backwards. He reaches out
to steady me but I deliberately tear my arm from his grasp.
“Don’t.
Touch. Me.” I snarl, glowering at him in hatred.
“What
the hell? What’s wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like that?” He
continues to fire questions at me, attempting to draw me back in with those
incredible brown eyes of his.
“Like
you don’t know.” I say contemptuously.
“I
don’t!” He exclaims loudly, unknowingly raising his voice.
“Just
stay away from me. I want nothing more to do with you.” I speak coolly, forcing
myself to look at him.
I
need him to know how serious I am, I don’t want there to be a single doubt in
his head when it comes to us being together.
“Baby,
please… you have to explain to me what’s wrong.” He pleads with me, imploring
me with his eyes to believe his sincerity.
“You
two ok?” Rachel sneaks up behind me, startling us both.
“Everything’s
fine.” I assure her, hoping my fraudulent smile will be enough to convince her.
“Zack was just asking me about my holiday.” I lie, angling my body away from
Zack.
“You
really need to tell me what happened, Sam. What made you decide to leave out of
the blue like that?” She regards me with curiosity, no doubt wondering what mess
I’ve managed to get myself into this time.
“You
know… I really can’t remember what it was but I’ve come to realise that whatever
problems I was facing before I left just don’t matter to me anymore. It’s just
not worth it.”
I
make sure my tone is cold and condescending, intent on wounding him. I need him
to hurt. I want to make him suffer and experience the agonising pain that I’ve
been through. A part of me wants to destroy him and even though he’s
technically done nothing wrong by choosing to sleep with his own fiancé, that
doesn’t mean I don’t feel the temptation to claw his eyes out every time I look
at him.
My
whole body hurts. I actually
ache
from the torment his betrayal has
brought me and I know I have no right to be feeling jealous or deceived… except
I
do
.
“Come
on, the food will be ready in a minute and I want you to sit beside us at the
table.” Rachel links arms with me again as we move in the direction of the
dining room. I can still sense Zack’s unwavering stare on my back as we exit
the room.
I
quickly make an escape for the toilet, hoping that I won’t get seated next to
Zack and Rachel by the time I get back. I even consider making a run for it,
wondering how good my chances are of being able to sneak out of here without
being seen.
I
take a seat on the edge of the bath, fighting to remain calm my heart rate
accelerates. My palms are sweaty and my head is swimming, I can barely bring
myself to look in the mirror, certain that my reflection will reveal the haunted
emotion behind my eyes. The excruciating trauma I’ve just endured is unlike
anything I’ve ever known. I’ve never felt envious before. I’ve never felt
jealousy quite like this… it’s so powerful, I feel like it could tear me in
two. I clench my fists and take a deep breath, forcing myself to stand up. My
legs are still unsteady as I unlock the bathroom door, reluctantly leaving the
safety of my isolation.
I
only manage to take a single step before I hear his voice.
“Samantha,
wait.”
I
spin around to find him leaning against the wall behind me, waiting for me with
his arms folded and a petulant scowl on his face.
“I
told you to leave me alone.” I say coldly, brusquely walking away from him.
“I
don’t care about that. You need to talk to me!” He begs, chasing after me.
“Not
here
.” I stop abruptly, spinning around to face him.
“Then
where?”
“Nowhere!
I don’t want to speak to you anymore, I don’t want to speak to you ever again.”
I lie.
The
truth is I wouldn’t survive a single day without this man but that’s the last
thing on earth I want him to know right now.
“Why
not? Tell me what I did for Christ’s sake!” He grabs hold of my arms and shakes
me, forcefully trying to get the truth out of me.
“Look,
it’s none of my business. Just forget it.”
“For
fuck’s sake, Samantha.
Tell me.
” He growls, tightening the already
painful hold he has on my arms.
“I
know you slept with Rachel last night.” I finally concede, whispering softly.
Revealing
what I know to Zack has surrendered me to the indescribable agony that’s been
burning a hole in my chest since I found out. I can’t help it. I need him to
fix what is broken, I want him to assure me that I got it wrong, that it didn’t
happen. I need him to wake me up from this hideous nightmare.
“What?”
He whispers disbelievingly, relinquishing the bruising grip he has on me.
“I
know
, Zack. She told me”
I
desperately want to ignore the guilt I can see in his eyes, unwilling to accept
that he really did make love to my sister last night.
“When?”
He asks gravely, closing his eyes.
“Just
now.” I tremble, instantly knowing that it’s true. “I don’t see how that
matters. What’s important is that I know.”
I
attempt to put some distance between us but he refuses. He cages me in between
the wall and his powerful body, leaving me trapped.
“Oh.”
His
silent admittance is all that it takes. I instinctively protect myself, folding
my arms across my chest, knowing that I’m about to experience the searing pain
of been torn in half all over again. The image of the two of them together
invades my mind, twisting and turning the ugly thoughts inside my head. The
thoughts which include hurting them both for causing me to wounding me like
this.
“Don’t
try to make out like I’m overreacting.” I warn him, using my index finger to
stab him in the chest.
A
part of me wants it to pierce his heart. I would give anything for him to know
what it feels like. I need him to understand what I’m going through, I want him
to feel just one tenth of the discomfort and nausea that is consuming my whole
being. My aim is for him to be tormented and afflicted beyond belief.
“And
how do you feel?” He questions me, stroking a single finger down the right side
of my face.