“Don’t
apologise. I’m the one who left.
I’m
the one who should be apologising.”
“It’s
fine.”
“No,
it’s not. None of this is fine and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.”
He says despairingly, sounding hopeless and desolate.
I
imagine him sitting there, cradling his head in his hands. His eyes all red and
swollen from lack of sleep and misery.
“Me
neither.” I whisper, closing my eyes in an attempt to stop even more tears from
falling.
“Listen,
can we meet?” He asks. “I really need to see you.”
“Erm…
not today.” I reply, panicking at the thought of being in such close proximity
to him again. I don’t think my heart could take it.
“Why
not?”
“I’m
really tired and there’s a load of housework that needs to be done.” I tell
him.
I
know they’re really lame excuses but I honestly couldn’t think of anything else
to tell him.
“And
you can’t spare an hour? I really need to see you, Sam. I can come over to your
place, we don’t even have to leave the apartment.”
“It’s
too risky. Jason might see you and he’s already suspicious about why we left
together last night.”
“I
don’t give a shit about Jason or what he thinks about us.” He practically growls
down the receiver, reminding me of the possessive way in which he cornered me
at the restaurant the night before.
“Maybe
you don’t but I
do
.” I snap at him.
“Oh,
really?” He taunts sarcastically, unable to prevent his jealousy from seeping
out of his harsh tone.
“Yes…
although I probably shouldn’t after what he just said to me.” I accidentally
let slip, instantly wishing I could take back what I just said.
“What
do you mean? What did he say to you? Have you just seen him?” Zack continues to
fire questions at me down the phone, relentless in what feels like his
interrogation of me.
“He
came by here for some answers about last night and what I told him before we
arrived at the restaurant.”
“And
what happened?”
“Nothing.
It really doesn’t matter.”
“It
does. Tell me.” He demands.
“He’s
just concerned about me, he doesn’t want anything bad to happen like it did before.”
I blurt out, unintentionally disclosing even more information to him.
“What’s
that supposed to mean? What happened to you, Sam?”
“Look,
I can’t do this right now. I really can’t. I have to go, Zack.”
I
hang up on him before he has chance to say anything else. I meant what I said
to him, I really can’t do this right now and most importantly… I refuse to. My
mind is racing and there’s absolutely nothing that will help me to clear my
thoughts. There’s no one I can talk to, no one I can confide in and I know if I
don’t share all of this with someone soon then I really will explode.
With
my mind made up, I pick up my landline phone and dial the only number I can
think of. When you reach rock bottom it’s time to start fighting and that’s
exactly what I intend to do. I need someone to help me before it’s too late…
I
walk into the coffee shop two hours later and scan the crowd of people who are
already seated. I don’t know if I’m the first one here and decide to grab the
table by the window before placing my order.
I
thought I would be nervous but I’m not. I actually feel a whole lot better now that
I’ve decided to do this, now that I’ve decided to confide in someone else. I
just hope they don’t judge me too harshly and condemn me to the mess I’ve
managed to get myself into.
“Sam?
Are you ok?”
My
head jerks in the direction of her voice and I come face to face with my
smiling boss, Audrey. It’s so wonderful to see a friendly and familiar face
that I practically leap up out of my seat to embrace her.
“Thank
you for coming.” I say it sincerely, truly grateful for the fact that she’s
here.
“Of
course. I knew it must be pretty important for you to call me on a Sunday.” She
assures me, tilting my face up to look at her.
“It
is.”
“Well,
how about I go and order our drinks and then you can tell me all about it?” She
suggests, making her way over to the counter.
“That
would be great. Thank you.”
“You
want a latte, right?” She asks, scurrying back over to our table.
“You
know me too well.” I smile, remembering all the late night coffees we’ve had
after a tiring day at work.
Audrey
places our steaming hot drinks on the table several minutes later, settling
herself down in the armchair across from mine.
“So,
do you want to tell me all about it? You were pretty upset when we spoke on the
phone.”
She
gives me a sympathetic look, increasing the amount of butterflies that are
already in my stomach. It’s just like Audrey to dive right in. There’s never
been any pretence with her and I was foolish to expect there would be right
now.
“I
don’t know where to start.” I confess, fumbling with the material of the skirt that
I’m wearing. I desperately want a distraction from what I’m about to tell her.
She’s
going to hate you.
My
unstoppable subconscious snarls, frightening me half to death. I don’t know
what I would do if I lost the approval and respect of the woman sitting before
me.
“Why
don’t you start at the beginning? That’s always best.” She grins at me,
promptly putting me at ease.
Audrey
is not the sort of person to condemn anybody and that’s the main reason I chose
to call her.
“Ok,
I suppose it started several weeks ago. The night my sister introduced us to
her fiancé…”
Thirty
minutes later and I’ve told her everything. I explained all about the
undeniable attraction we had for one another on the first night we met. The unquestionable
yearning I felt for him during our journey home when he dropped me off. I told
her all about the mysterious phone call I received from Zack the very next day
and the proposition he made me just one week later when he took me to the
river. I then admitted to the incredible night we spent together just two
nights ago and what happened between us again last night.
I
wait for the disgusted and disapproving expression on her face but it doesn’t
come.
“Ok,
I’m ready for it. Don’t hold back.” I lean back in my seat and brace myself for
her verbal onslaught.
“Ready
for what?”
“For
the lecture, for you to tell me how revolted you are and how you want nothing
more to do with me for being such a despicable human being.” I murmur softly,
feeling wretched and despicable in the presence of such a kind and thoughtful
woman like Audrey.
“Then
I guess you’re going to be waiting a hell of a long time.” She tells me,
folding her arms across her chest.
“W-what
do you mean? Why aren’t you angry with me?” I stammer.
“Sweetheart,
who am I to be mad at you? Who on earth am I to judge you and tell you what
you’re doing is wrong?”
“But
it is wrong… isn’t it?”
“Do
I think its ok that you’ve slept with your sister’s fiancé? No. Do I think you
had a choice in the matter? No.” She says decidedly.
“So,
what you’re trying to say is that you can’t help who you fall in love with?” I
ask uncertainly.
“You
are
in love with him, then?” She arches one of her eyebrows at me,
forcing me to avert my gaze.
“I
don’t want to be.” I mumble, staring at my empty coffee cup sitting on the
table.
“But
are
you?”
“Yes.”
Wow,
I can’t believe I just said that.
It was like I had no control over the
admittance that was spoken from my mouth.
“There
are roughly seven billion people in the world. Seven billion people and I’ve
somehow managed to fall in love with the only person I can’t have. The only man
on this earth who I can’t be with and who I should never, ever want. He’s my
soul mate, my saviour and the only man I need. He’s also my sister’s fiancé.”
“And
what about him? Does he feel the same way as you?”
“He
said he’s completely fallen for me but I don’t know if that’s the same thing.”
I sigh wearily, dragging my fingers through my hair.
“Have
you told him that you love him?” She inquires, leaning forward in her seat.
“No.”
“Why
not?”
“Because
it’s wrong! What we’re doing is dangerous, it could ruin so many people’s lives
if they found out and the last thing I want to do is hurt Rachel. I love her.”
There’s
a moment of silence between us before Audrey starts to speak again and I take
the opportunity to reflect upon my situation and what the hell I’m going to do
with the shattered pieces of my heart. Do I really have the strength to put it
back together again?
“Am
I the first person you’ve told about this?” She asks me kindly, reaching out to
take hold of my hand.
“Yes.”
“Samantha,
what I’m going to suggest to you might seem a little unorthodox but I just want
you to go with it, ok?”
“Ok…”
I waver, swallowing nervously.
“I
want you to imagine that you have three wishes, absolutely anything in the
world. Pretend you have no limits. Now what would they be?”
I
pause, my mind racing with possibilities.
“To
be happy.” I state simply.
“And?”
She prompts me, wanting me to divulge more.
“To
be free, free from my past and the emotional chains that have restrained me for
so long.” I proclaim, surprised by the honesty that’s been spoken from my own
lips.
“And
what about your final wish?”
I
look her in the eyes and wait for her to say it. She doesn’t and that’s when I
know
I
have to.
“Him.”
I
slide my key into the lock and enter my apartment, closing the door behind me.
It’s been several hours since I met up with Audrey and we spoke for even more
hours after that when we left the coffee shop and she invited me back to her
house. It actually felt really good to leave it all behind for a little while,
to know that my phone was still in my apartment and that I was secluded from
the rest of the world. Audrey was definitely the right person for me to call.
She listened to me and allowed me to open up to her without interruption or
intrusion and for that I am truly grateful.
I
glance at the clock and take note of the time. Its eight o’clock which gives me
just a couple of hours to organise my things and get ready. Audrey and I
finally decided that there is only one option available for me right now and
that is to go. I have to leave and get away from the dark situation I’m
currently trapped in. I realised that what will benefit me the most is to gain
some perspective and to put some distance between myself and the people
clouding my judgement. That’s why I have to go, it’s why I must leave.
Tonight.
Chapter Thirteen
Zack
The
last thing I want to deal with right now is this lunch with Rachel. My head is
all over the place and I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep up with this charade
for much longer. Rachel phoned me this morning to say she had booked us a table
at one of the finest restaurants as a surprise. I tried to get out of it but
she wouldn’t let me, I caved in the end and agreed to pick her up.
“Do
you know what you’re having?” She asks, forcing me out of my reverie.
“Erm…
no, not yet. I’m not really bothered what we have to be honest.” I glance at
the menu before tossing it aside.
“You
could try and be a little more enthusiastic.” She grumbles, tracing a perfectly
manicured fingernail across the table cloth.
“I’m
sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night and you know how grumpy I get when I done
get my eight hours.”
“Maybe
you should try spending the night in the same bed as your fiancé for a change.”
She practically purrs, her eyes sparkling with mischief and playfulness.
“You
know I don’t feel comfortable staying under the same roof as your mum.” I quip
sharply.
“Why
not?”
“It
just wouldn’t feel right.”
“Fucking
me wouldn’t feel right?” She smiles flirtatiously, stroking her foot up the
length of my inside leg under the table.
Her
sensual touch stirs something deep inside of me and I almost feel… guilty about
it. I shake my head slightly, trying to snap myself out of it. Why the fuck
should I feel guilty about my own fiancé touching me? Samantha’s face suddenly appears
in my subconscious, her gorgeous green eyes, blonde hair and unbelievably sexy
little mouth. God, what I wouldn’t give to kiss her again, to feel her body
underneath mine and to hear her moan my name, begging me for more as I slide my
cock all the way inside her…
“Zack?
Did you hear what I said?” Rachel’s voice vigorously yanks me back to my
reality, forcing me to accept the fact that she’s the one I’m with right now
and not the girl I really want.
“Uh…
yeah. Sorry, say it again.” I murmur, trying to ease some of the pressure by
rubbing my forehead wearily.
“I
asked you why fucking me wouldn’t feel right.” She says coldly, narrowing her
eyes at me in speculation.
“I
didn’t say that. What I said was I didn’t want to stay with you when your mum
is there.”
“Why
not?” She furrows her brow whilst attempting to attract the attention of the
nearby waitress. “Zack, you’re not even making any sense.”
“The
way your mum treats Samantha isn’t right. It makes me uncomfortable and what
makes me even more uneasy is the way you just seem to allow it.” I argue,
clenching my fists underneath the table.
“Look,
it’s complicated. My mum and Samantha have never had the easiest relationship.
Sam was always closest to our dad and it hurt her the most when he died.”
“That
still doesn’t excuse the way that your mother treats her. It seriously pisses
me off and I’m going to be forced to say something to her if I see her doing it
in front of me again.” I say bitterly, meaning every word.
“No!
You can’t do that Zack. It would cause so much trouble and Samantha wouldn’t
thank you for it.” Rachel assures me.
“Why
not?” I challenge her, glaring across the table.
“Because
it would only make things worse for her.”
“I
don’t see how that’s even possible. Your whole family’s behaviour is abhorrent.
It makes me feel sick to watch.”
There’s
a momentary silence between us while I wait for her response. I know there’s
something else she wants to tell me, something she thinks she shouldn’t.
“Sam
has had her fair share of troubles. She’s not your average twenty-three year
old.” She finally admits, fumbling anxiously with the tablecloth in front of
her.
“What
do you mean by that?”
“Look,
can we discuss this later?” She asks, trying to deter me.
“No.
We can discuss it now.” I say firmly.
“Sam
has… some problems.”
“What
sort of problems?” I inquire, needing her to elaborate.
My
mind is already racing with possibilities and every single one of them is
unpleasant.
“She
suffers from anxiety and she always has done, ever when we were kids. She’s a
little more reserved than most people, she’s a little shy and somewhat of a
loner. Some really bad things have happened to her. First she lost our dad, who
she was unbelievably close to and then…” She trails off, leaving her sentence
unfinished and my questions unanswered.
“Then
what?” I lean forward, resembling what can only be described as an
interrogation.
“She
got pregnant.” She lowers her voice and glances around the restaurant, making
sure no one can hear us.
“S-She
what…?” I stammer, unable to process what I just heard
“It
happened when she was eighteen. God, when I remember what she was like… she was
so poorly, Zack. I was so worried about her, she came extraordinarily close to
a full on nervous breakdown. It was a really dark and frightening time for her
and for me as well because I had to watch my little sister go through it all.”
“What
about the father? Where the hell was he in all of this?” I snap, raising my
voice as I feel myself start to lose my temper.
“He
didn’t even know. Sam didn’t tell him about the baby until it was too late.”
She murmurs, staring out the window behind me, completely lost in thought.
“Too
late? You mean she lost the baby?”
God,
I can’t even imagine the pain she must have gone through if she had a
miscarriage. It makes me want to go and see her this instant, take her in my
arms and promise she will never have to go through anything like that ever
again.
“Zack,
she had an abortion.”
Silence
follows as I try to process the words she just said to me. Rachel’s admittance
has left me utterly astounded and I continue to gape at her in astonishment for
several seconds before I finally stumble across my ability to speak.
“Wow…
I don’t even know what to say.” I rub my forehead again, trying to ease some of
the tension I feel building up. “She actually had to go through all of that by
herself without any support from your mum or the baby’s father?” I say
incredulously.
“I
was there for her as much as I could be but I guess she
was
all alone in
a sense.” Rachel explains.
“Jesus,
I can’t even imagine how difficult and heart-breaking that must have been for
her to make that decision.” I groan, raking my fingers through my hair in
anguish.
Just
thinking about how much she must have suffered… it drives me fucking crazy,
especially when I know that she had no one there for her besides Rachel.
“She’s
never fully recovered from it and I can’t say that I blame her. It’s like a
part of her died when she had that termination, a part of her that will
probably never come back.”
“Is
that the reason she’s not with someone now?”
“She
wasn’t even in a relationship with Paul, the baby’s father. She told him
afterwards and he didn’t take it that well, he was really angry with her and
blamed her for going through with the abortion without telling him. He treated
her really badly and refused to understand her side of the situation. She
crossed paths with him again one year later and he was really cruel to her, I
think he completely blanked her which left her feeling ignored and humiliated.
Paul was killed that night, there was a fight he got involved in and someone
stabbed him.”
“Jesus…”
I exclaim loudly, unable to believe the amount of pain Samantha has
experienced.
“His
whole family and the majority of Paul’s friends blamed Sam for what happened.”
“Why
the hell would they blame her?” I practically growl, literally seething with
fury. “His death had absolutely nothing to do with her.”
“They
blamed her because seeing Samantha is apparently what made Paul so angry that
day, so mad that all he wanted to do was go out and get wasted later on that
night.”
“What
the fuck?!” I yell, slamming my fist down on the table. “That’s bull shit!”
“Zack,
keep it down! We still have to order our food and I’m not going to spend the
rest of my meal being stared at.” She cringes, turning pink with embarrassment.
“I
couldn’t eat a single thing right now.” I reply coldly.
The
sound of Rachel’s phone interrupts us and she reaches for it, completely
bewildered by my response and change in attitude.
“Wow…”
She glances at her phone’s screen, taking a moment to read through her message
before resting it back down on the table.
“Who
was that?”
“Sam.”
She says calmly, acting like it’s no big deal.
“Samantha?
Is she ok? What did she say?”
I
try so hard to keep the enthusiasm from creeping into my voice but it is
really, really hard. I haven’t heard a thing from Samantha since she hung up on
me yesterday morning when I called her. I desperately wanted to call her back
and fought the urge to do it all day. I knew I had to respect her wishes and
give her some space.
“I
can hardly believe it but she actually just sent me a text to let me know that
she’s decided to go away for a few days. She said she spontaneously chose to take
some time off work so she could get away.”
“She
what? She’s left?” I stammer, fighting the overwhelming impulse I have to grab
the phone off Rachel and read her message for myself.
“Just
for a few days, she said she’ll be back by the end of the week. She didn’t say
where she’s staying.” She replies smoothly, infuriating me even further by her
lack of concern.
“Has
she gone alone?” I ask, battling against the need I have to demand if Jason is
with her.
“I
don’t know, maybe Jason decided to go with her.” She answers, shrugging her
shoulders in a carless manner.
“Come
on, I think we should go.” I jump out of my seat, taking her and the whole
restraint by surprise.
“You
can’t be serious?” She gapes up at me in confusion, completely bewildered by my
attitude and decision to walk out.
“I
am. Grab your purse, I want to get the hell out of here.”
I’m
out in the car park by the time she catches up with me, struggling to keep up
with my powerful stride in her high heels.
“Zack,
what
is
the matter with you? You have to talk to me!”
I
whirl around to face her, forcing her to come to an abrupt standstill as we
almost collide.
“You
really think I want to sit down and enjoy a nice meal after everything you’ve
just told me?!”
“Yes!
Why shouldn’t you? Why would something about
my
sister upset you in this
way?”
I
recognise the flash of jealousy in her eyes and it’s the first time I’ve ever
witnessed it in Rachel.
“Because
she’s
your
sister and she’s going to be a part of my family once we’re
married. Would you prefer it if I didn’t care at all?” I challenge her, ignoring
the inquisitive nature of the people who are gawping at us as they leave the
restaurant.
“No.
I wouldn’t.” She hangs her head in shame, causing me to feel guilty.
She
has no idea. She has absolutely no idea about how I feel and what makes it
worse is the fact that she believed me when I lied to her face.
“Come
on, I’ll take you home.”
We
spend the rest of the journey home in silence. She doesn’t ask me if I want to
come inside when I drop her off and I don’t give her a kiss goodbye. I drive
home at a ridiculous speed, hoping that the blur of ongoing traffic and the
adrenaline coursing through my veins will be enough to help numb this
excruciating feeling. The same one that weighs heavily on my chest, the one
that makes my heart race and my head want to explode.
I
can’t believe she really left. I can’t believe I don’t know where she is and I
still can’t fucking believe this is really happening to me. How did I actually
let
this happen? My head has never felt so messed up before now. I’m the sort
of guy who is always in control, I know where I’m heading and never, ever lose
sense of reality. I’ve dated some beautiful women and none of them have been as
beautiful as Rachel, that’s why I don’t understand this unbeatable obsession I
have with Samantha.
The
thought of her forces me to tighten the firm grip I already have on the
steering wheel. Why can’t I get her face out of my head? Why won’t my need for
her disappear? What the hell am I going to do about it? I groan loudly,
pounding my fists against the wheel. It’s a miracle I don’t crash and for one
crazy, dark and twisted moment I actually consider it.
I
shake my head, banishing such thoughts. It would solve nothing and it would
only bring more heartache. I still wouldn’t get Samantha and it would destroy
Rachel.