“Yes she bloody well did!” Julie stopped. “I’m not helping am I? Sorry.”
“No. Maybe when we’ve eaten, I could cope with your advice for my array of problems. In fact, I’ll look forward to it.”
Julie nudged her with a shoulder. “You sure about that?”
Giving a sideways glance Jess conceded, “Not entirely.”
***
Over dinner they talked about Jack, his illness and reminisced about past events. Mainly Jack’s “lady friends” as they used to call them. “Do you remember Mrs. Jenkins? The one that rented the Douglas cottage.”
Jess grimaced. “Why did you have to remind me about her? She scared the life out of me.”
They had been thirteen and playing at being spies. Mrs. Jenkins was their target for the morning. It was noon and they had only listed one activity in their log in the last half hour. She’d become a boring subject since arriving at her home. Suddenly, Jack appeared from the other side of the house and tapped on the door. He was greeted with a kiss that seemed to go on forever, before Mrs. Jenkins pulled him inside. They’d looked at each other questioningly, and then sneaked down the hill to see what was going on.
Now Julie started to giggle as she stood and collected their plates. “It was your face when I told you what they were up to.”
“Oh don’t. I’ve never heard anything like it.”
“Not heard a woman shouting yes, oh yes or grunting, snorting and screaming during sex? I don’t believe it.”
“Behave yourself. I have never experienced anything like that.”
Julie continued to tease. “Come on, you know you have. Spill.”
Jess shot back at her. “Have you grunted and snorted?”
Her friend gave a look of mock horror. “Me?”
She grinned. “Yes you, you’re a woman, I could imagine you grunting like that.”
Julie threw a napkin at her. “That’s slanderous, how could you?”
“I bet you’ve done the yes, oh yes bit though.” She lifted her eyebrows suggestively. “And the scream.”
It was Julie’s turn to blush as she replied, “Not quite in the same way.”
Jess laughed, and then nodded, feigning seriousness. “I can relate to that. I hear that every time.”
Julie slapped her playfully on the shoulder. “I bet.”
***
They adjourned to the lounge with the wine and made themselves more comfortable. Jess felt wonderfully relaxed until she saw Julie’s mouth open and close and a frown form across her brow. Julie would know she wouldn’t bring up the subject of Rachel and Alison again, so she was obviously trying to formulate her introduction to the subject. She waited, prepared.
“How did Alison contact you? Did she write or phone?”
Jess sighed. “I should be so lucky, she just turned up.”
“Turned up? You mean at the lodges?”
“Yes, and guess what? She wants to rekindle our relationship. Can you believe that?”
“I hope you told her where she could go rekindle herself?”
Jess grinned. “I did, but she doesn’t seem to grasp the fact I have no interest in her anymore.”
“Jess, you just need to tell her. For heaven’s sake, it’s been years.”
“I did.”
“Do you still fancy her or something, is that the problem?”
Jess spluttered, glaring at Julie. “Of course not. I must have been blind back then. For the life of me I can’t see what I ever saw in her.”
“It was the sex. You were like a kid in a sweetie shop for the very first time. You don’t always care who’s doing the dishing out.”
Jess smirked. “Well whatever it was, it’s not there anymore. I just wish she would go away and leave me alone. I just don’t understand how someone could appear after sixteen years and declare their love. It’s ridiculous.”
“Does she still have a partner?”
“Actually, she did say Gretchen left her about a year ago.” She shook head. “Amazing it was just a year ago.”
I wonder if she ever knew.
“That would give her enough time to work through her old girlfriends, I suppose. She’ll be seeing if any of them are willing and available.”
“You don’t really think that’s why she’s here, do you?”
Julie laughed. “Oh I don’t know, Jess, but it’s as good a reason as any. You just need to be assertive. I could come up and get rid of her for you, if you like?”
“I think I can manage, she’s only booked in for a week. If anyone’s going to throttle her it’ll be me.” She paused. “It’s just frustrating. If I had to deal with her and nothing else, it wouldn’t be a problem. I just don’t seem to be handling anything well at the moment.”
Julie smiled softly. “It’s understandable.” They sat quietly for a while before Julie wandered over to refill Jess’s empty wineglass. She quietly asked, “How is Rachel?”
“Fine.”
Julie rolled her eyes. “You hinted at a problem earlier.”
Jess shrugged. “Are you sure you can cope with more? I’ve done nothing but moan this evening.”
“You haven’t. You very rarely grumble about anything, give yourself a break.” Chuckling she added, “You’ve had to listen to all my problems over the years.”
“I don’t know where to start, or how to explain. Maybe it’ll sort itself out.”
Julie ignored that. “I’m assuming we’re still talking about Rachel.”
“Yes.”
“Are you struggling with just being friends?”
“I suppose. She’s grown on me.” She frowned at her friend. “She’s charming, intelligent and very easy to be with. Actually she’s rather…wonderful.” She paused. “I’m becoming increasingly obsessed with her, or something like it. It really isn’t good.”
Julie leaned forward. “Why don’t you think it’s good?”
“She’s been hurt badly before and by someone who supposedly loved her.” She sighed. “And she let something slip inadvertently, which explains why she appeared happy with our friendship arrangement.”
“What do you mean? Is she a practicing celibate?”
Jess chuckled. “Maybe she is.” She shook her head. “No, I don’t think so.”
Julie’s tone softened. “So, what is it? Would you like to make love to her?” Jess blushed and before she could respond, Julie continued. “That’s what people in love want to do. I couldn’t wait for Tom to kiss me and then more.”
Jess frowned. “No.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone for more than sex. Rachel is a lovely woman. You could fall for a lot worse.”
Jess paled. “No, it’s not right. I’m not in love with her. Why would you say that?” She looked at Julie with pleading eyes. “No, no, you’re wrong. I can’t be. You know I can’t be.” She wiped her clammy hands on her trousers as she attempted to slow her racing heart.
Julie placed a hand on her restless friend. “It’s obvious isn’t it?”
“No!” The pounding in Jess’s chest and head became unbearable. If she didn’t calm them, she would pass out. She put her head in her hands, closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing.
“Jess, are you all right?”
“Yes. Just give me a minute.” A few moments passed before she turned to her worried friend. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’m okay now, just a bit of a headache.”
Julie spoke cautiously. “Are you panicking over possible feelings for Rachel?”
“Please, Julie, can we leave it?”
“I’ve never known anyone to affect you as she has. It’s just different from anything you’ve experienced before. That’s all. It’s okay.”
Jess tried to think, she couldn’t shake the feeling of terror that lingered. Her head was still aching. “I don’t know.”
“I think it is.” Julie frowned and took Jess’s hand again.
Jess stammered. “With Alison the whole thing was new. We had to keep it quiet. Lecturer and student relationships were frowned upon.” She looked at her friend. “Her story was plausible. What an idiot.” She began to relax a little. “Kirsty. I loved her very much, but we were young.”
Julie nodded and smiled softly. “I know.” She squeezed Jess’s hand. “Did either of them make you feel like this though?”
Jess leaned back. “Kirsty loved me too. But even she didn’t know what it was all about.” She sighed. “Then look what happened.” She looked at her friend. “I don’t ever remember feeling this out of control or confused though.”
“Well then, you can’t let this go by, Jess.”
Jess stiffened, her heart picked up its pace again, along with the throbbing in her head. She glared at Julie. “I can and I will. Love is lethal—I will not go there. I only have to get through this next month and she’ll be gone for the winter. Then I’ll get over this stupid infatuation.” The tone left no room for argument. The risk was too great. Jess believed her love was responsible for her family’s death, Kirsty’s death and Gretchen’s attempted suicide.
***
Jess stood to give Julie a hand as she returned with cheese and biscuits. With Julie out of the room, it gave her the chance to regain her composure and give herself a good talking to. Putting the feelings she had for Rachel into perspective. She liked her, that’s all it was. Everyone liked Rachel. Jess was struggling to cope with her uncle’s illness and the successful spell the lodges were having. It was just causing her to blow things out of all proportion. It hadn’t helped Alison appearing, bringing up painful memories, but she would be leaving soon. Good riddance to that one, Jess thought. Rachel though, she didn’t want to leave. She sighed.
Julie looked at her friend. “I think I’ve figured out a way that could make it easier for you to put these feelings aside. It may sound a little harsh.”
“Go on,” Jess said reluctantly as she placed the food on the table. Julie opened another bottle of wine, deliberately avoiding eye contact. Jess waited and heard her friend take a deep breath.
“You have to stop thinking of yourself. If you can’t give Rachel what you think she wants, or needs. You will just cause too much upset. You have to think of Rachel and Jack.”
Jess stopped and stared at Julie, who still wouldn’t look her way.
Selfish
. She couldn’t believe it. Tears welled in her eyes. “You’re right. I’m so wrapped up in how I feel. Uncle Jack is extremely fond of Rachel and if I hurt her—or even myself—he would be devastated. He doesn’t have forever and his well-being and happiness are the most important things. They are the last people in the world I want to upset.” Jess didn’t want to think of life without Uncle Jack, but there was no getting past the fact, the doctor had only given him around three to four months. He was going to be her focus from now on. Jess was going to make the last few months anything Uncle Jack wanted them to be.
“Thank you.”
Julie looked at her, tears trickling down her face. Jess smiled and opened her arms. “Come here. I know you’re only trying to help me, and you have.” Julie didn’t say another word as they wrapped their arms tightly around one another.
***
The next couple of days were positive and eventful for Jess. Her uncle had accompanied her while she worked around the estate, tiring by midafternoon, so it was perfect timing for his teas with Rachel. She’d discussed with Tom the options for her uncle’s pain relief and the help he would offer. Basically he would be available twenty-four hours a day, for whatever reason. Tom also told her he would look into nursing options for further down the line and made it quite clear to Jess not to allow Jack to put off asking for help, or mentioning the slightest of problems. Changes at this stage could be rapid and it was best not to delay. Her mood was low after the visit, yet it was all important information and she absorbed every single word.
She’d spent a short time with Alison and had decided they had absolutely nothing in common and had said as much to her. Alison had then made it quite clear she wouldn’t give up. Jess had fleetingly considered succumbing in an attempt to quash her sexual frustration. But the need wasn’t there with Alison; it only reared its ugly head when Rachel was within her sights. Alison should have been gone by now, but she’d found out the family following her into the lodge had been delayed by a couple of days, so she had decided to stay. Why, Jess couldn’t comprehend, and she didn’t particularly care anymore.
Chapter Sixteen
Rachel walked out onto the porch and breathed the air in deeply, attempting to dispel the annoyance left after her telephone conversation with Scott. He had called with further details about the signing and release of Michelle’s book. He was livid at the fact that it was all about the writer and very little about the artist. Rachel had warned him what it would be like collaborating on another book. So here she was, being dictated to by Michelle, yet again. He argued that it would not be like that. “Over my dead body,” he’d said. If only Rachel would trust him and give him full rein over what she did regarding the launch. So she had, giving him full responsibility, consoling herself in the fact that he had never let her down and had only been good for her. Nevertheless, it made her uncomfortable.
She took another deep breath and started walking down the track. “Don’t let it get to you. It is a wonderful day. You are in a place that you adore and are surrounded by breathtaking scenery and…” She stopped, and stared down into the yard of the house. “People.”
Jess was basked in sunshine. Her tanned, toned body was covered in sparkling perspiration, emphasizing every contour as it glided with each move she made. Rachel’s heart beat faster as she consciously told herself to breathe.
After a moment she caught sight of something in the trees opposite. Alison was hiding, or at least watching. “That’s sick,” she gasped, imagining the thrill Alison was experiencing.
Great, who am I to talk.
Rachel felt an urgency to stop all the voyeurism and strode briskly down toward the woman who was providing everyone’s entertainment. Wood was everywhere in orderly piles, from kindling to huge trunks. After Jess took a swing, she called, “Morning, you look busy.”
Jess turned and beamed such a radiant smile that the warmth of it caused Rachel’s body temperature to instantly rise. Breathlessly, Rachel continued. “Don’t look around, but you have an audience not far from here. Alison.”
Jess was only fleetingly tempted to look. Rachel was much more interesting in her light-colored shorts and dark green vest. They showed off her stunningly bronzed and curved body, shining hair and big brown eyes. All Jess wanted to do at that moment was wrap her dirty, sweaty body around this woman and ravish her. Swallowing hard and blinking her eyes a couple of times, she made a vain attempt to muster a coherent word. “Hi.” She’d completely forgotten why she wasn’t to look anywhere, other than into those eyes.