Rachel was struggling against the tears, brushing them away as they trickled down her face. She couldn’t talk about this now. She found it difficult to croak out what she did say. “Maybe we could talk when I get back?”
Jess nodded and instinctively replied. “I’d like that. Think only of yourself, what’s important to you. I won’t pester you. I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
Swallowing hard, Rachel stammered. “Thank you.” Then quickly turned and jumped back into her Jeep.
Jess muttered softly as Rachel disappeared from view. “Please drive carefully.”
***
Returning to the house, Jess bathed, treated her feet and grazes best she could and iced her ankle. She felt better, the food had helped for the first time in a while, yet everything still throbbed. She’d decided on rest today, no matter what.
Jack watched her as she clattered about the kitchen. “Are you going to tell me what I’ve done, or do I have to guess?”
“Done? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jack grinned. “Come on, spit it out. I’ve done something. You’re acting like a big kid.”
Jess glared in her uncle’s direction. “Rachel’s coming back.”
The grin turned into a smile. “Ah. You’ve spoken to her then?”
“Yes, after I attempted to kill myself under the wheels of her Jeep.”
That wiped the smile from his face and instantly she felt guilty for her bad mood and sarcasm. “Yes, I’ve spoken to her.” She attempted to look happier, but failed miserably.
“Did you apologize and explain?”
She slumped down in a chair. “If it can be classed as an apology when you’re driven to it several days after it should have been given.” She lowered her head in shame. “You brought me up better than that. I just don’t know what’s happening to me.”
Jack squeezed her arm. “I think you’re just having a few mid-life crises.”
She smiled. “Well I might have apologized. I now have to work on my explanation. That’s if she wants to hear it.”
He winked. “She will.”
“I hope you’re right.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Five weeks later
“Rachel, welcome back.” Marie greeted her with a welcoming smile and a hug. “It’s good to see you, how was the wedding?”
“It was wonderful, thank you Marie, it was a super day. It was lovely to see all the family. We don’t get together very often.” Stepping sideways from the embrace, Rachel indicated behind her. “Let me introduce Margaret.”
“Hello Marie, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”
“Likewise. Rachel talks of you often.”
Rachel then inquired into Jack’s health and was saddened to hear that she would notice a further change in him.
They were invited to dinner. Marie smiled at Margaret, saying, “There will be a few of us, Don, Jean, Julie, Tom, Jack, Jess, me and possibly Bill, so please don’t feel obliged to come after all your traveling.” Looking at Rachel she added, “Jess will be doing the catering, so even if you decide at the last minute, just let me know. That girl could cook for a group of twenty if they just turned up out of the blue.”
Rachel smiled, knowing there was no exaggeration to the statement. “We’ll let you know as soon as possible, thanks Marie.”
Once out in the yard, Margaret said, “I thought you looked forward to those first night dinners?”
They climbed into the Suzuki, Rachel’s usual choice of vehicle when at the lodges, although she had to admit the Jeep had grown on her. “That’s a lot of people you haven’t met and it has been a tiring few days.”
Margaret buckled her seat belt. “Oh please, Rachel, when have you known me to shy away from meeting new people? Especially ones I’ve heard so much about.”
Rachel laughed at her friend. “And are curious about? You are just dying to set eyes on Jess, to see what I’ve got myself into such a frenzy about. I’ll go and let Marie know we’ll be there.”
***
Jess stood, looking desperately into her wardrobe. The meal was all prepared, seeing to itself in the kitchen, and she could hear Jack and Marie chatting happily away to Don and Jean.
She muttered impatiently, “Come on, Jess. It’s only dinner, just put something on.” She decided on a pale green polo shirt. “Keep it simple, that’s probably best.” It went well with her black Levi jeans and dark boots. Her red curly hair remained a little unruly and combing her fingers through it she decided a cut might be in order. Looking at herself in the mirror she wondered what Rachel would see.
Once Rachel had left for the States, she’d had a choice. Either continue to wallow in self-pity, making her and everyone around her miserable, or do something about it.
After contacting Carla, she had managed to arrange a number of meetings over the last five weeks. She was acutely interested in Jess’s “flight behavior,” as she called it, excited even, Jess had thought. She remembered laughing sarcastically when Carla stated, “It isn’t really the problem though.” That was the reason Jess was there and wondered at that moment why she had listened to Tom. It wasn’t until later that Jess began to understand what Carla had actually meant. “It’s just a reaction,” she had said and reminded Jess that she hadn’t thought it a problem until
that night
. Memory loss or the blanking out of traumatic events was not uncommon either, so Jess really was beginning to wonder why she was there at all.
She’d had to relive painful memories and started with the day when she and her family were traveling up to Scotland. She had been desperate for a pee and they were making her wait. She had whined, “If you loved me you would stop.” It was after finding a quiet spot to relieve herself she witnessed the lorry career into the back of, and over, their parked car. Her mother and younger brother disappeared between them and her father and aunt had still been inside. Everything was crushed in seconds.
Carla had said, “You did what any child does naturally when they’re upset or scared. They run, or hide, if they are able to.”
Jess had refused counseling at the time. Thinking that all she deserved was punishment for what she had done, not help. She was convinced if she hadn’t said those words they would still be alive. It didn’t really matter that she recognized the picnic spot as one of their usual breaks on the trip, that they had congratulated her for hanging on as long as she had and that it was the lorry driver that caused their deaths. It was still her fault.
Carla became a little more animated at this point, and Jess was pleased to see the woman was actually human. She lectured that it should have been enforced, given the circumstances. Adding, “Children reveal much when they think they are not co-operating. You just need to spend time with them.” Jess cursed her nine-year-old self for refusing help.
She had returned home that night despondent, and that had only been her second session. She then began to realize that she could quite easily have gone through life without any further problems. Except for Kirsty. She recounted Kirsty’s accident to Carla. The two of them were out hiking for the day and had stopped to eat their sandwiches. While Jess was getting hers out of her backpack, Kirsty climbed a nearby log pile and then shouted to the world her love for Jess. Jess immediately told her to climb down as the logs were unsecured. There was even a warning sign of the danger. Kirsty, however, was a law unto herself. She was always reckless and disobeying of rules, a trait Jess adored. Jess, on the other hand, always did as she was told and it was just before they were about to leave that Kirsty kissed her and asked if she would pick some bluebells for her. Jess had happily trotted off to collect them and it was then Kirsty decided to climb the logs again. This time they rolled, crushing her body beneath them.
The shock at seeing another horrific event triggered Jess’s flight reaction. This time she was a pubescent teenager in love. This episode was fundamental in Jess’s thinking that love was not a good thing. Something to stay well away from if you didn’t want to see anyone die again. This Jess understood, she could have told Carla that long ago. But then it all got very complicated.
She’d had to go through the Alison and Gretchen episode. Carla had asked whether she had chosen to take another chance at love? It appeared that over time Jess had started to doubt that her love for someone was dangerous. No one else believed it. They just thought she was unlucky. “How wrong we all proved to be,” she had said bitterly.
Carla agreed that they had been right. “You were right Jess. You didn’t cause those deaths. Your love didn’t cause those deaths. None of them were your fault.” She was firm in her conviction. She did concede it was unusual for one person to experience that number of deaths so viscerally though.
Rethinking her relationship with Alison, she had wanted to believe she was in love but she knew she had fallen short. She had been cautious. “I focused on the fun and excitement, nothing else. I wanted to protect her. Or was it myself? I don’t know.” She had looked at Carla for the answer.
“I don’t know, Jess, only you know that.” Really helpful, Jess had thought at the time. But it didn’t matter, someone had still suffered.
Jess had her suspicions that Alison had a partner. Yet she couldn’t understand why she, herself, would continue an affair, if that had been the case. Gretchen had been her friend and cried on her shoulder for weeks about a possible affair her partner was having.
“I should have known the damage I was causing.”
“But there was doubt,” Carla had said. And she was right, there was. It didn’t stop Jess feeling guilty for Gretchen’s attempted suicide.
Jess remembered the anxiety she experienced in that session as it went on. “I was selfish, thoughtless and stupid. It could have been avoided. If I had made some attempt, surely I could have worked out that Alison and Gretchen were connected.” Her head had started to pound.
“So what did you think of their relationship?”
Jess was surprised by the question. “Shambolic. They supposedly loved each other, yet both drove the other to acts that caused a lot of suffering.”
“Exactly. Their love, Jess, not yours. How many people do you love?”
“What?” Jess’s heart began to race and her head just wouldn’t stop thumping.
“Your uncle, Marie, Julie, friends. Nothing’s happened to them.”
“You’re confusing me. You’re confusing the issue.”
“Rachel, do you love Rachel?”
Jess suddenly found it difficult to focus at all. The noise in her head was deafening, and she could feel perspiration form on her brow and hands. She stared at Carla, feeling trapped and was convinced her heart was going to stop, it was beating so fast. She then felt hands firmly pressing on her knees.
“Jess, Jess can you hear me? There’s nowhere to run here, Jess.”
She was suffocating and the voice was irritating her beyond belief. She then heard someone shout, “Yes, I love her and want her. But I don’t want any more pain or guilt. I couldn’t bear it. It would kill me.”
***
After that session Jess had seriously thought about not attending the next one. Carla had obviously thought the same thing. She’d telephoned the evening before to confirm their appointment, something she had never done previously. At this session, Jess accepted that her real problem was a fear of guilt. Guilt at the words she said to her family, guilt because she believed her and Kirsty’s love for each other was responsible for her death and guilt that her affair with Alison drove Gretchen to attempt suicide. Jess hadn’t liked the revelation at first, saying as much to Carla, “So I don’t really care about anyone but myself?”
“Now you’re being ridiculous. Of course you do. How much pain have you suffered, Jess? If you didn’t care for those people do you think you would have suffered?”
“Maybe not.”
“Interesting, isn’t it. You can beat this, Jess. Now you know what the problem is.”
Jess looked at her with wide eyes. “How? I’m a complete nutter.”
“No, you aren’t. Believe it or not, you are a reasonable and capable person. You just need to think—”
Irritated, Jess interrupted. “Reasonable people don’t act the way I did, it was unforgivable. There is no excuse.” She looked searchingly at Carla. “I couldn’t bear to be responsible for…” She paused, “Something happening to Rachel. It really would finish me.” She lowered her head. Therapy was exhausting.
Carla placed a hand on her knee. “Jess, you haven’t been responsible for anybody’s death. You’ve had to cope with a great deal in your life. Don’t belittle your ability to have lived through it.” She shook her head. “Listen Jess, you know you can’t change what has happened, but you can change how you react and behave from now on. Yes, you have to fight a fear, but you can overcome it. If that’s want you want. If Rachel is what you want.”
Jess attempted a smile. “So I just need to convince myself that my falling in love is not a deadly curse and everything will be rosy? No pain or guilt.”
Carla hadn’t look pleased after that little quip and had reiterated the running still needed to be addressed, although it wasn’t important in the greater scheme of things.
That was when Jess had blurted, “Not important? That’s the whole problem.”
“Jess, have you been giving anything any thought? It’s just a response to extreme emotional situations. The last time was out of pure fear for someone you obviously love passionately and what that could lead to.”
Jess twitched uncomfortably, unable to deny that it wasn’t true.
“The sorts of experiences you’ve had are rare, believe it or not. So I’m hoping a few coping mechanisms will be enough.”
Jess conceded her flight behavior had not really impacted on her life before then. It was a simple reaction to traumatic situations. Jess remembered still being confused at the end of that last session and had confessed she needed time to think it all through.
It was a number of days later that Jess had actually been lucky enough to spend a day walking with Carla, after she’d expressed a wish to see Jess one more time before Rachel’s arrival. She wanted to see how Jess had actually thought things through and the conclusions she had made. Even though she had liked Carla, she was still a therapist. Yet, when they were out walking she felt more confident and relaxed. She had the impression that’s what Carla had wanted to see, Jess in her own environment.