Rachel stood with no expression on her face that Jess could read. Worried that she was going to leave, Jess frantically said, “Please Rachel, sit down.”
The pleading in her voice was not lost on Rachel. She tried to tell herself that this woman wasn’t Michelle with all her excuses. Rachel sat herself down again and waited.
Jess went on to explain the other times she’d run and how eventually she simply just avoided falling in love to prevent anyone from getting hurt, or worse, dying and more feelings of overwhelming guilt. “Unfortunately, I’ve gone so out of my way to avoid love that my poor simple mind couldn’t cope with the prospect of it. I know it sounds strange, but when I realized what had happened, extreme anxiety and fright set in, causing me to run. I honestly didn’t do it consciously.”
Rachel watched Jess. The woman had been through hell. Jack had told her of the accident that had taken their family, but he’d left out the details. She also knew vaguely about Alison and Gretchen due to overheard arguments. She hadn’t asked Jess the details. Kirsty, Jess had mentioned months back, but again she didn’t ask anything further.
It’s a wonder she isn’t in the loony bin. I would be.
Then she recalled the night Jess had made love to her and her heart began to race. Was she actually in love with her? That’s what she had said, but was it still true? “Is it still a problem?”
Jess smiled, relieved that she’d confessed all. “Is what still a problem?”
“Are you still in love with me?” She dreaded the answer, in case it was no.
Jess took a deep calming breath and captured Rachel’s eyes with her own. “Yes.” The word hung in the air for what felt like an eternity. Jess thought she might run again, quite deliberately this time though. She felt sick and suddenly very exposed.
Rachel was initially ecstatic to hear the news and then unsure whether it really was all true. The focus was now on her and she didn’t like it. What did she have to offer someone like Jess anyway? What if Jess had mistaken her feelings? What if she ran again, could she deal with it? She had to regain her composure, she had to stop thinking. “Are you in danger of running from me again?”
Jess bit her bottom lip. “I don’t know.” Sighing she added, “What I do know is that fighting my feelings has caused as much pain as if I had just accepted them, probably worse. I can’t take back how I behaved. I’m extremely sorry it happened, and I truly never meant to hurt you. All I want to do is put it right and I don’t know how to. You’re the last person in the world I ever wanted to hurt.” Jess slumped back in her chair exhausted. “But I did.”
Rachel couldn’t help herself. She rose, walked over and pulled Jess into a fierce hug. Her heart started to quicken and her breathing deepened when she realized in her enthusiasm to comfort, she had placed the lips she so wanted to feel on her again, right between her breasts. Arms slowly went around her waist as Jess pulled back and rose out of her seat.
It was instant. Rachel captured roughly the mouth she needed to taste. Tongues fought and danced in desperation.
Breathless and with her head spinning, Jess was close to climaxing. Her need for this woman was uncontrolled and from just one kiss. “Rachel, I need more. You have to be sure this is what you want, or I have to walk away right now.”
Rachel looked at her dumbly, her body tense with arousal. Steadying her ragged breaths she replied, “I’m sure. This time though I need to touch you.”
Jess took her hand. “Anything. Come with me.”
Clothes left a trail from the bedroom door to the bed. Jess looked up at Rachel who was straddling her hips, moisture from her center dampening her own mound. She so wanted to slip her fingers slowly through the soft velvet folds she could only imagine. Rarely in her life had she played the nondominant role. It scared her and excited her all at the same time. “Please Rachel?”
Rachel had been assertive so far, she was determined she would be the one in control. She felt powerful and petrified. Her thoughts betrayed her. Michelle had always made it quite clear she was a failure as a lover. If she was, Jess would find out soon enough. She floundered over what to do next. It would be so easy to let Jess take command and her aching body would be satisfied. She needed that release and so did the woman beneath her.
Rachel smiled and tossed her concerns aside. Slowly she lowered her head to the breasts so tantalizingly awaiting her touch. A nipple instantly reacted to her tongue and a groan urged her on. She licked, nipped, pulled and feasted before slowly kissing her way southward, over a taut, smooth abdomen. When she reached the glistening center so swollen and ready, the heady aroma was intoxicating, she wanted to fill Jess with herself. She needed to be inside her, give her the joy she had experienced at Jess’s touch. She kissed and flicked her tongue around the soft swollen area and slowly moved back upward.
Jess could feel herself choking on her words as Rachel moved from where she most needed her. “Rachel please, I can’t stand it any longer.” Her body was a live wire; she could sense it writhing in all directions. Blood was rushing through her head and it felt like a pulsating hot mass that was in danger of erupting. Rachel made her way back up to her lips and she responded instinctively, hungry for any part of the woman setting her whole being on fire. Fingers fleetingly touched her needy clit before moving lower. She clutched clumsily at Rachel’s wrist and managed. “Not inside.” Rachel’s hand then pressed hard in just the right place and her body stiffened then shuddered. Vaguely she recalled someone calling out Rachel’s name as waves of pulsating pleasure washed over her body again and again.
She groaned when the body, so entwined with hers, moved away. It was impossible to coordinate mind and body, nothing happened. When she managed to orient herself, Rachel was dressing. She had no clue as to how much time had passed. Scrambling off the bed she immediately found herself lying on the floor with Rachel hovering over her.
Rachel was stunned, she was on the very precipice of orgasm when a hand clasped her wrist and denied her entry. Had Jess grown impatient when she hadn’t done the right thing? Did she guide her hand to where she wanted it? She couldn’t remember.
Rachel stood, desperately trying to compose herself. No one was ever supposed to hurt her again.
“Jack and Marie will be back shortly, and I don’t really want to be caught here.”
Jess smiled and went to place her arms around Rachel’s waist. “Why not?”
Rachel stiffened and suddenly stepped back. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, I will speak to you later.” She quickly pulled on the rest of her clothes and headed for the door.
Jess stumbled after her. “Rachel wait.” She called desperately, “Rachel, please stop. What’s happened? What have I done?” There was no response. Jess stood for a moment totally confused and disoriented, then slumped onto the floor. “I love you.”
***
Jess slammed the door to her bedroom and stomped down the stairs muttering, only to be met at the bottom by Marie, Julie and Jack. She looked at her uncle. Tears began to well in her eyes. It wasn’t going to be good news and that’s not what she wanted to hear.
Taking a deep breath, she asked, “It’s not good is it?”
He smiled. “We knew it wouldn’t be. There are things we need to discuss. At this moment though, I’m more interested in why you’re in such a foul mood and where is Rachel?”
“It’s not important. Tell me what Tom had to say.” Julie followed them, while Marie went through to the kitchen to put the kettle on.
***
Jess wheeled into the barn bicycles that had just been returned by a family, ready for her to clean and check later.
Idly, Julie leaned up against a post with her arms folded and asked, “Want to talk about it?”
“I think we covered everything, didn’t we? Getting a good nurse won’t be a problem will it?” She knew exactly what her friend was referring to and she didn’t want to discuss it. Her uncle’s cancer was spreading rapidly, a new tumor had been found and either home care, or hospice care, needed to be considered in preparation.
“I meant Rachel. Your lunch obviously didn’t turn out well.”
She slumped down and filled her friend in, being careful to leave out the more intimate details. The part Julie always tried to prize out of her.
Her friend frowned. “What made her walk out like that? Maybe she did think it was best to leave before we arrived.” She didn’t look convinced. “Are you sure you didn’t do something to upset her?”
“No.” Jess answered, exasperated. “Not that I’m aware of, I thought everything was—perfect.”
Julie ignored Jess’s blush. “You didn’t have a memory block or anything did you?”
“Oh for goodness sake, I’m fed up with this stupid thing. It’s never been a problem before, but all of a sudden I’m some sort of head case.” She flung her arms up, grumbling. “I don’t think I did. I remember feeling groggy and I couldn’t get my brain or body to work for a wee while, but that’s it.”
Julie stifled a grin. “Was that postcoital?” Jess just glared at her.
Julie put an arm around her shoulders. “I have to agree with Carla, you are a passionate creature my friend, so I think you’re entitled to be a little groggy after sex. I’d be incredibly offended if Tom got up straight away and asked me if I’d like a cup of tea.”
Jess couldn’t help herself, she had to chuckle. “I suppose I got what I deserved.”
Julie dragged her arm back and pushed at Jess’s shoulder until she faced her. “What do you mean by that? She wasn’t getting even, was she?”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. Rachel isn’t that calculated.”
Her friend looked at her skeptically. “You sure about that? She’s not been very forgiving.”
Jess blew out a breath. “I don’t know. I was planning on going up and asking her what I’d done wrong.” She looked at her friend for confirmation that was the thing to do.
Julie rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you ask her what went wrong instead?”
***
Taking a deep breath Jess knocked confidently on the front door to Lomond Lodge. “Hi Margaret, would it be possible to speak to Rachel please?” She felt like a child asking her friend’s mother if she could come out to play.
“Sorry Jess, she said she didn’t want to speak to you.” Her face indicated she truly was sorry.
“I was hoping to find out…Why doesn’t she want to speak to me?”
Margaret sighed. “She’s a little upset at the moment.”
Jess bristled; she couldn’t understand what was going on at all. “Well, actually, so am I. Did she give any indication when she might speak to me?”
Margaret raised her eyebrows. “No.”
“I would just like to know what I did wrong. I have absolutely no idea.”
Margaret stepped out onto the porch pulling the door behind her. “I’m sorry, Jess, Rachel is my best friend, and I can’t jeopardize her trust. I really do wish I could help you.”
Jess saw the anguish in Margaret’s eyes. “Would you mind asking her to try and see Uncle Jack tomorrow afternoon? You too?” She sighed heavily. “I’ll make myself scarce.”
Margaret gently smiled and a placed a hand on Jess’s arm. “We’ll be there, and I am sorry, Jess.”
She attempted to return the smile and failed miserably. Quickly turning she headed down the path fighting back the tears.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“Fan-bloody-tastic.” Margaret closed the door behind her and leaned back against it looking up at the ceiling. “Great.”
Rachel emerged from the bathroom dressed in a robe. “What is it?”
Margaret walked past her saying nothing and into the kitchen. She held up a bottle of wine, to which Rachel nodded. She popped the cork and poured out two glasses. “That was Jess.”
Margaret filled her in on the details of the conversation as she led the way into the lounge and sat down on the sofa.
Rachel watched her friend gaze out of the picture window, obviously waiting for a response. “Do you really think she doesn’t know what she did?”
Margaret answered carefully. “Yes, and I’m not entirely sure you know either.”
“What?” Rachel snapped her head in her friend’s direction.
“I think Jess genuinely cares for you. Why would she give you such an explanation for her behavior? Those tragedies are not something you invent and guilt is a very powerful emotion. It could have been much simpler and not so dramatic if all she wanted was to get you into bed. As for the rest, it has to be a misunderstanding.”
“Oh, so it’s me as usual?” Tears welled in Rachel’s eyes.
“That’s not what I said, or meant. I’m sorry. Can it not all be a misunderstanding, what happened?”
Rachel rested her head back against the sofa. “I’m not convinced about that, but I may have been a little harsh. She’s experienced some awful things. The whole thing’s plausible, I suppose. Oh, I know it’s plausible, but…”
Margaret took her hand. “Yes, I think it is.”
Rachel gave a faint smile. “I think we made a mistake being more than just friends.”
“What makes you say that?” Margaret rolled her eyes at her reply.
“I’ve had little experience when it comes to satisfying a woman.” She lowered her head. “I consciously decided to take command, to see if I had what it took to be a good lover, and I failed miserably.”
Margaret sighed. “Listen Rachel, why would she have gone to all the trouble of seeking help? Then patiently wait to explain it all to you if she wasn’t in the least bit interested in you and thinking further than just sex?”
“The thrill of the chase and the conquest.” Rachel sighed. “Oh I don’t know. It’s not going to work. She’s now experienced the rewards and will have realized it isn’t worth it.”
Margaret closed her eyes, exasperated. “Speak to her tomorrow. I still think it’s a misunderstanding.”
“I’ll speak to her.”
***
Rachel wandered over to the barn. She and Margaret had just left Jack. It had been a sad half hour, Jack’s mood was low and he appeared distant. He was not his usual upbeat self. His excuse was that he was tired, and Rachel thought it was understandable considering the circumstances. Yet, she had the feeling that was not the true reason and it had more to do with her.