You're Always in the Last Place You Look (17 page)

“Let’s go get your pills. Do you have your phone?”

He nodded.

“I’ll call your uncle, let him know we’re coming. But you’re staying with me tonight okay?” The slip of a smile was all I needed from him.

“I’m not about to turn him away after that, but don’t think your sleeping in the same bed.”

“
Mom
.” Okay, maybe a bit of a stretch, considering.

“
Gabriel
,” she mimicked back. “You might be eighteen, but you’re still under my roof. Zane’s no different than a girl in that respect.”

“Actually, Mrs. Simmons, he kinda is. It’s not like he can get pregnant or anything.”

Gary snorted, and slammed a hand over his mouth while Zane turned his head towards the windows, clearing his throat. I stared at Tye’s boldness, my lips pinched tightly together. No way was I going to laugh at that. My mother would smack me for sure.

Mom’s glare at Tye would have peeled paint. “Tye Evenson, do I need to find your mother?”

He shrank back. “No, ma’am.”

She dropped her head into her hands, releasing a pensive sigh. “Just work with me, Gabriel. I’m still coming to terms...”

“Its okay, Mom.” I moved away from Zane, and pulled her into my arms. “We’ll behave, I promise.”

She nodded, holding me for a minute before letting me go. “I’m going to find your father and let him know what happened. You take care of your—Zane. If there’s any trouble, you call your father.”

“I will. But we should be fine. Mr. Cormley’s pretty good at wrangling Mrs. Cormley.”

“You make her sound like a cow,” Gary said.

“She-mm-is a cow.” Zane teetered as he moved towards the door. His arms came out for balance, and I moved to his right side.

Leaning against each other we headed to my truck. Unfortunately it was in the front lot, which meant we had to go through any lingering townsfolk rather than being able to slip undetected out the back door. “I could pull the truck around.”

He shook his head at my suggestion. “I c-can m-make it.”

“Gabriel...”

I looked up to see Lily and my dad coming down the hall.

“Lily told me Sandy was being abusive. Zane, are you all right?”

“That was like ten minutes ago,” I said.

“It took me like forever to find your dad.” Lily said, twisting her fingers. “Mrs. Mallory’s stupid car wouldn’t start again.” Lily had a hate-hate relationship with her neighbor’s car. She was always having to help push start the thing, and my dad and I had taken on the task more than a few Sundays ourselves.

“It’s ok-kay,” Zane said. However, having been there, I knew how much she hurt him.

“You could press charges.”

“Has she done anything like this before?” Dad spoke at the same time I did.

Zane shook his head. “N-not like this. I’m n-not p-pressing ch-charges.” He jerked slightly and Dad’s brow furled.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Remember I told you he takes medication—only he doesn’t have it with him. That’s where we’re headed now.”

“All right. Where’s your mom?”

I ticked my head behind me. “Community room. Probably still lecturing Tye, actually.”

He face palmed gracefully. “Do I want to know what he said to upset her this time?”

“Probably not, but I’m sure she’ll tell you.”

Nodding, he glanced at Zane, and I didn’t miss the soft concern that scampered crossed his face. In that moment I remembered how much I really did love my dad. He clapped my shoulder, then went to rescue Tye.

“Dad?”

He paused and turned his head.

“Is it all right if Zane stays with us for a day or two? Mom said it was okay.”

“That’s fine, son. He’s welcome anytime.” Dad’s phone rang, and he retrieved it from his jacket pocket. His eyebrows pulled together as he checked the display. “Speaking of...”

“Is that Mr. Cormley?”

He nodded.

“Tell him we’re on the way to their house. He’ll understand.”

He nodded again as he answered. After listening for a few seconds, he strode off towards his office. I hoped Mr. Cormley’s call meant he was seeking counseling with my dad for his wife. She definitely needed something. Heavy medication came to mind.

Lily hugged Zane, then me. “I’m
exhausted
. I think I’m about drama’d out for awhile.” She pressed her hand to her forehead.

“Thanks for getting my dad.” I hugged her again with my free arm. “See you tomorrow.”

We reached the truck, and Zane leaned against the side, withdrawing his box of smokes.

“Really?” I reached for the brown cigarette he was about to light. He raised it over his head, grabbing onto the bedrail to steady himself in order to prevent me from nabbing his precious smoke. Being short sucked. “Can’t you wait another twenty minutes until after we have your medication?”

He lit the end, and inhaled. “No.” Blowing the smoke towards the sky he added, “It c-calms m-me.”

“How can arsenic, and what ever other toxins are in that thing,
calm
you?”

“Are we hav-having a fight?”

Fight
? “No...Well, maybe a little one.” I frowned and tossed my hand out as he took another drag. “I just... I just don’t like you smoking.”

He tipped his head and for a moment his body relaxed. “Why?”

I rubbed a hand across my face. “I don’t know. Maybe because it’s like telling God ‘fuck you for saving me.’”

He dropped his smoke, crushing it under his Converse. “C-come ‘ere.”

I took a hesitant step forward, and Zane took hold of my jacket, pulling me the rest of the way against him. “I d-don’t tha-think that’s it,” he whispered into my ear.

Maybe it wasn’t the only reason. But I wasn’t about to confess I never wanted to see him suffer through lung cancer like my grandpa had. That would mean I saw a future with him, and I wouldn’t admit that, afraid it would only push him away from me even sooner. 

His hands came up, and lifted my face. “I d-don’t like b-being the c-cause of the ang-anguish I s-see in y-your eyes.”

My hands closed around his white dress shirt. “Then don’t be.” I sounded desperate but I couldn’t help it. The knowledge of his eventual departure was my constant companion of late.

“You n-know s-some things are unav-voidable.” His mouth closed over mine. The kiss was full of emotion, and over too soon. Much like how I saw our relationship.

I smoothed his shirt out. “Next time you see that, just ignore it. You’re my first crush, and don’t first crushes always break our hearts?”

His fingers tipped my chin up until I was looking into his intense blue eyes. “D-do you ra-really b-believe that?”

I sighed. “No, but it’s easier.” I stepped away before my jumbled emotions got the better of me. Hitting the remote, I unlocked the doors.

Chapter Twenty

Zane’s body clocked out almost the moment he clicked his seatbelt on. As I pulled from the church parking lot his head lolled, telling me he was fast asleep. I noticed his fingers twitched now and then, and once his leg jerked, but otherwise his body was quiet, his face placid.

My eyes grazed the red mark still marring his cheek where his aunt had hit him. I felt my jaw clench, and my hands tighten on the steering wheel. I could understand people’s aversion toward homosexuals, but what Zane’s aunt had said, what she had done—how could a family member, someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally, be so callous and cruel? Of course I had wondered the same thing just yesterday about my own mother. Only she would never wish me dead. That I knew in my heart, along with the irrevocable truth that she loved me, even if it seemed she had forgotten for a bit.

There had only been disgust in Mrs. Cormley’s face, almost vile in intensity. Thinking about it made my chest ache. For Zane to lose his family and then find out one of his only remaining relatives thought that about him—it was no wonder he wanted to leave.

Parking in the Cormley’s driveway, Zane unbuckled his seat belt as I turned the truck off. Opening the door he didn’t get out, instead he stared at the house as if he wasn’t sure he wanted to go inside.

“I don’t think they’re here,” I said.

He dropped his gaze to his twitching hands. “They’re not.” Climbing out he added quietly, “K-kiki’s the one tha-that should be here, n-not me.”

It took me several seconds to comprehend the meaning of what he said, and when I did, I trotted up behind him, and pulled him around as he was unlocking the door.

“Wait. Why would you say that?” There was no rhyme or reason why he lived and his sister didn’t. But thinking she should be here instead of him—I wouldn’t let him believe that.

His face twisted into a pained frown. “Be-because they wo-would have l-loved her.”

“Merrill loves you.” In good conscience, I couldn’t include his aunt in that statement.

“Sure...” He turned away, and went through the door. “Th-that’s why he’s n-never once t-touched m-me.”

I stood in the doorway, fists balled, head bowed, as he disappeared down the hall. I could hear the blood surging angrily through my body. How could they? How could they do this to their own nephew? Even the most stoic of individuals needed comfort in the eye of a tragedy like Zane had experienced. Yet he hadn’t received that most basic therapy, and in response he had lashed out. The cutting, drinking, smoking...and I couldn’t help but wonder if I was just another part of that.

I felt the hope of him ever staying slip away. We had been doomed from the start. He was my first everything and I was his rebound, a post to lean on until he found the ground beneath him again. Somehow it didn’t matter though. Despite the painful truth, he needed me...and if I were being honest, I wanted him to need me for purely selfish reasons. He made me feel alive, and I didn’t want to lose that again. Not yet.

I found him sitting on his bed, with the pill bottle rattling softly in his trembling hand. Taking it from him I crouched down, and opened the bottle.

“D-do you b-believe in G-g-god?” he asked after swallowing two of the little pills.

I could tell from the desperation on his face he was looking for absolution. He couldn’t have asked me a more difficult question. As I looked into his beseeching eyes I knew I had to tell him what was in my heart, something that had been a thorn there for as long as I could remember.

I rested my hands along his thighs. “I don’t think I do,” I admitted.

He nodded as if this wasn’t a surprise to him. “I lik-k-ke the idea of s-someone up there wo-watching over us, that when we d-die, we d-don’t just ca-cease to exist. B-but if you believe the B-Bible, G-god is a spiteful, s-stuck-up fuck-fucker that d-demands everyone p-play by his rules, even wha-when he con-contradicts them himself. It is a s-sin to sleep with ya-your b-brother, s-sister, m-mother, father, yet th-that is exactly how w-we supposedly w-were created? That ma-means he made us s-sinners from the start, b-because if he created m-man, he also encouraged incest. Who did Ca-Caine and Seth have sa-sex with if not their own s-sisters?”

I returned his thoughtful look. “You’ve read the Bible?”

“M-mostly the old t-testament. P-pissed ma-me off m-more than anything.”

I laughed. “Yeah, me too. Maybe my dad was right.”

“B’-bout what?”

“Me being a pastor. He’s always told me he thinks my path is elsewhere. I’ve been thinking he said this because he knew I was gay, but maybe he knows I don’t believe.” I shrugged. “At least not like he does anyway.”

Zane laid his hand against my chest, and it was solid without a whisper of vibration. “In h-here is a ga-good h-heart. One th-that will make a d-difference.”

I ran my hand over the back of his pressed to my sternum. “Yeah, well, you might be somewhat partial.”

He leaned down, touching his nose to mine. “I am.” Tipping his head, he kissed me, a gentle affirmation. His fingers twined with mine as he drew away.

“How do you always,
always
know what to say to me?”

He smiled and shook his head. “How are y-you able to alwoo-ways make m-me feel wa-worthy?”

I cocked my head, not sure I understood. “What do you mean? Worthy how?”

He looked at our hands resting against my chest then back at my eyes. “W-worthy of b-being alive.”

Okay, I never expected that, and now I was going to cry. “Damn you.” Letting go of his hand I seized his hips, and drug him to the edge of the bed, right into my arms.

“You’ve m-made getting out of bed w-worthwhile, you know?” Zane said with barely a stutter, his medication seemingly beginning to work.

“Stop, just stop. If you’re hell-bent on making me cry, can you at least do it where I can blubber loudly and obnoxiously without fear of discovery? Like the woods, or Mary’s wall, or the horse trailer, or something?”

He chuckled silently. “J-just one more thing. Since that fa-first day y-you touched m-me you’ve helped chase the n-nightmares away too.”

“How so?”

“Shall I c-count the w-ways?” He
licked
my neck. I was about to say
eww
when I felt the tingle where his tongue had laved.
Ohhh, that’s...kinda nice
. His breath feathered across my ear, sending a shiver down my back, and successfully shifting the emotional current within me. “Or m-maybe I should show you?” he suggested, as he wrapped his legs around my waist and pushed his hard self very suggestively against me—mine.

Not that I didn’t want him to show me, because
oh did I ever
, but it was the oddest time for him to get this affectionate. “Do those pills have any side effects?”

I felt his smile, then he chuckled, and then I laughed, and he laughed, and soon we were both on our feet, bent over, breathless, and wiping moisture from our eyes.

“Where did that come from?” I asked, once the chuckles had petered out.

“You.”

“Huh? What, you find crying sexy or something?” I was only half-teasing, kinda worried he actually might.

He shook his head quickly. “No. But I’ve been going k-kinda crazy around you lately, so when you got ha-hard—anyway...Wr-retched timing, I know.”

I glanced from his flushed face, to the bulge in his black slacks, then to the window, where I stared out at the white fence surrounding the backyard while trying to ignore how snug my own slacks had become. “Um, yeah,” I rubbed the back of my neck, the stupidest grin plastered on my face, “Maybe a more appropriate place for that too.”
Did I just
—
I think I did
.

Zane was staring at me, the color in his cheeks escalating with every deep breath he took. Much bolder than last night, I had definitely invited him into my pants—or me into his. How did that work anyway? Who decided what? I tried to catch my breath before it galloped away, but it was gone before I could even touch its ragged tail.

Still gripping my neck, I zeroed in on a daddy longlegs near the light fixture on the ceiling, and concentrated on filling my deprived lungs. “You know, they need to offer an alternative sex-ed class for gays in public schools.”

He went to his desk. “That’s wh-what the Internet’s for. There’s a whole education s-system out there for questing youth. Well, p-provided you don’t go to the wrong s-sites. Then it’s just p-porn.” He chucked his laptop and charger on the bed. “You have w-wifi?”

I shook my head as he continued to toss stuff onto the bed. Sketch pads, four bottles of meds, and something that looked like a tackle box covered in a strange assortment of stickers. “Satellite DSL,” I clarified, glancing over the black box; Superheroes, spiders, a marijuana leaf, rainbow flag, radio stations, and the oddest of all, Woody from
Toy Story
. “You’re not planning on showing me porn are you?”

He shoved a rigid sided blue duffel bag against my chest. “N-not unless you want me t-too.” He pecked my lips. “I’m gonna change. Can you p-pack the stuff on the bed?”

I nodded my head, and he turned, scooping up some clothes off the dresser. “I don’t think I’m a porn type person,” I said as he headed into the hall.

He popped his head back in. “You n-never know unless you watch one,” He said with a sly smile before disappearing again.

“Am I dating an addict?” I called, setting the duffle bag on the bed, and wondering how in the world I was going to fit everything in.

He laughed loud enough for me to hear. “Hell no. Why do I need porn when I c-can fantasize about you?”

I smiled goofily. “
Ahhh
, right thing to say again.” Picking up the tackle box, everything inside rolled around. It sounded full of pencils, and as I slid his sketch books along side, I realized it probably was.

“I think you’re making m-me all mushy,” he said as he came back in pulling a white t-shirt over his head. I stared. What was it about him in jeans with bare feet?

“Your toes don’t match.” I wasn’t sure why I noticed
that
of all things.

He looked at his feet, then gave me a blank look. “What?”

“They’re metallic green and your fingernails are silver,” I pointed out, as I continued puzzling his clothes into the bag.

“Oh that. I thought green was too flamboyant for church. Keith never would have even noticed.”

I glanced over to find him watching his toes wiggle. “Is that a good or a bad thing—that I noticed?”

He gave me a trepid smile as he headed to his dresser. “Definitely a good thing.”

Smiling, I wedged in the last t-shirt. “I can’t fit your jeans in.”

He came up behind me, peering over my shoulder. “Oh my God, you’re like some packing guru. I never would have managed even half of that.” His arms came around as he set his chin on my shoulder. “What color?”

I blinked at the dozenish bottles of polish he held up. “You want me to pick your next color?” It was just fingernail polish, but for some reason it felt like some monumental decision had been laid on me. “What color makes you happy?”

“I haven’t found your color yet.”

“Now you’re just teasing me.”

His chin dug into my shoulder as he shook his head. “Am not. Everyone has a color that fits them; their personality. I haven’t been able to find yours yet, but I will.”

I took the copper, and the black with the gold glitter from his hands, and dropped them in the bag, if only because I liked them, and they matched. “Why do you suppose that is?”

He nuzzled a hum against my neck before stepping away to put the rest of the bottles back on his dresser. “Because you keep surprising me.” Retrieving his backpack, he shoved a bottle of purple polish remover in the outside pocket. “At first I thought you might be pearl white because you seemed so pure, but you’re more dimensional than that. Then I was thinking periwinkle, the same shade as your tie, because it matches the flecks in your eyes. But that wasn’t right either. You shine brighter than that.” Stowing the second pair of jeans, he zipped his back pack up.

“I don’t know what to say to that.” I was rather floored actually.

“It’s an observation, Gabe, and observations don’t require an answer.” He shoved a foot into his Converse.

“Smart aleck. You know what I mean.”

He looked at me as he shoved a zebra print—
Zebra? Really
?—wallet into his back pocket. “Right thing again?”

“You know it was. You’re kinda ruining me for other guys you know? I’m going to be eighty and alone because no one will compare. I’m going to spend my life pining for you.” I hoisted the duffel bag onto my shoulder.

“God, I hope not. That’s a lot of pressure you’re laying on me.”

I followed him out, admiring him in his rather tight jeans. Couldn’t he wear loose wranglers like everyone else? “Well then quit being so damn perfect.” I sighed as my body ramped up again just from looking.

“Were you looking at my ass when you said that?”

How did he know that
? “No...”