You're Always in the Last Place You Look (16 page)

Zane’s comment rendered Lily speechless for all of five seconds as she gaped at him, her green eyes blinking rapidly. A few snickers emanated from the pew in front of us before she recovered and shook a finger at Zane while shimmying past him.

“He’s funny. Why didn’t you tell me he was so funny?” she said dryly as she practically sat on Tye, intent on wiggling in between us. He moved over with an almost audible eye roll. At least there was another body to help combat the jealous snit volleying between Tye and Zane.

“He’s usually not that witty,” I said in an attempt at levity. It worked, pulling a snort from Gary, and causing Zane to let out an indignant, albeit totally fake huff before bobbling his head in agreement.

Once settled, she gave me a slaying look. “What the heck, Gabriel. You don’t answer your phone, or return your texts,
or
email, and now I find this?” She gestured to Zane and I’s hands still clasped together on my thigh.

I grimaced sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry, I—a lots been happening.”

“Uh, duh?”

“Shhh, I don’t want to piss off your dad.” Zane bumped me with his shoulder, drawing my attention to my father, who happen to be holding his hands up, indicating he was about to begin.

I whispered to Lily, “I’ll fill you in later.”

“You better.” She sighed her distaste over having to wait, but focused forward, looping her arm through mine as if I might try to get away before she had a chance to grill me.

Usually I could stay focused on my father’s sermons. He had a talent for tweaking God’s word just enough to bring it into the twenty-first century, making his sermons both profound, and lyrical. But I found myself lingering over the last few weeks of my life, along with the changes that had befallen me.

My entire existence had come to light in such a short amount of time, and to say it hadn’t been a terrifying ride would have been a lie. Yet it had also been exhilarating, breath stopping, and heart wrenching too. And this was only the beginning.

My whole life, full of possibilities, stretched before me. However right now, all I could think about was the person pressed against me, the one I was leaning on with everything I had, and I couldn’t seem to see past him. It was as if the after—the beyond, didn’t exist anymore. It had become a long dusty trail of nothingness stretched out behind him, and I had a hard time wrapping my head around what that might mean.

Not so long ago I had a plan, a pretty solid one. Follow in my father’s footsteps, buy a little land, marry, have kids that I loved and supported as much as my parents had loved and supported me. And if I was lucky, rope at the jackpots now and then. It wasn’t an ambitious life, but it was one I was comfortable with. Now I had no idea where my comfort lay. I was fairly confident gay pastors existed, but I was pretty sure I didn’t want to go that route anymore. I mean, there was a lot to deal with there, and right now I was still trying to just be who I was.

Chapter Nineteen

Zane’s knee bumped mine, drawing me away from tracing the lines along his palm. I had been doing it for awhile, possibly trying to find my future in the map of creases laid out on his upturned hand.

“The Bible was written over three-thousand-years ago in a time much different than our own. I want you to think about a few things before you judge anyone. How many of you lost your virginity before marrying? How many have lost a spouse and remarried? How many of your children have argued a point until you conceded to them? All of these things, in the eyes of God, required a death. But here you sit, because we have evolved into a more temperate society, one where these atrocities are no longer considered severe. God has shown me that I should not call any person common or unclean. That God is the only one able to judge. The power to save or destroy a soul lies only in his hands.

“Now, I know many of you will spout off the same few bible verses to me in your defense.”—a few nervous chuckles arose—“Please don’t. If you feel the need for counsel, or just want to talk, make an appointment and I will be more than happy to discuss your concerns privately. Thank you, and God Bless you all.”

I turned to Zane. “Did I miss prayer?”

He stretched, flexing his fingers without releasing my hand. “Yeah, you seemed somewhere else at the time, and I figured whatever you were thinking about was probably more important to you. It was about tolerance and forgiveness. Gary almost cried.”

“It was that good, huh?” I asked, glancing past Zane to Gary.

“It was, and I did,” Gary admitted without a shred of remorse. “It reminded me of what he told my mom when I came out. Your dad, he always knows the right thing to say.”

I nodded, proud of him. “That he does.”

Lily tugged at my arm, her nails digging in for added effect. “So what the fuck is going on?”

“Jesu—jeez, Lily. You forget you’re in a church?” Tye gave an incredulous shake of his head.

“No, sorry if I offended your delicate sense of propriety,” she shot at Tye. “Well?” She gestured for me to get on with it.

I gave her the rundown, leaving out the more personal moments like my emotional dash through the woods, the full extent of Mrs. Cormley’s craziness, and Zane staying the night. During the discourse I had turned towards Lily, releasing Zane’s hand. He had immediately taken to gently rubbing my back, and I fought the urge to lean against him, reminding myself over and over I was in church.

When I was finished, Lily slumped down, while Tye shook his head in disbelief, both of their foreheads marred with concern.

“It’s not that dire, you know. Good things came from this too. I just haven’t been able to grasp them yet.”

Lily suddenly hugged me. “I’m so proud of you. I know it wasn’t how you planned it, but—gosh, I can’t believe how brave your being.”

I felt a tiny pang of guilt over not telling her about my emotional tantrum. She wouldn’t think me brave if she knew about
that
.

“Shit, this isn’t going to be good.”

I untangled myself from Lily and turned to Zane. “What?”

“Charging rhino at ten o’clock.”

I looked where his chin indicated, right into the irate face of his aunt. Merrill had been delayed by the ever chatty Mr. Foster, allowing his wife a clean getaway. This wasn’t going to be good at all.

“Oh, she looks pissed. Who is that?” Lily asked.

“Mrs. Cormley, Zane’s aunt.”

“I take it she doesn’t know?” Tye broke in as he leaned over to see who we were talking about.

“She knows I’m gay, doesn’t know Gabe’s gay, and doesn’t know about us. Or didn’t, but appears to now,” Zane explained quickly. “Let’s just say she has issues with queers.” He stood to intercept her, and I followed right behind him, unwilling to let him fight a battle I felt was ours. Tye was right behind me, and Gary stepped in as we passed him. Our small band of supporters touched me, and if truth be told, made me feel rather invincible.

Even though we were moving against the throng, a path cleared, and I finally felt the sting of mass rejection as more people than I expected leaned away from every one of us. So much for my father’s little preachment on tolerance. I didn’t let it bother me, because I knew it would take awhile for people to come around. There’d never been a known gay person in our small town until Gary, and now there were three of us to wonder about—four if they thought Tye was gay too, by unfortunate association of course. That was a lot of gay to push on one small town in such a short amount of time. Therefore I forgave those whom I had considered friends of their indiscretion, and concentrated my efforts on the one woman who could not only cause me and Zane grief, but my father and mother as well, if she so chose.

“Don’t make a scene. We’ll talk, but somewhere more private,” Zane told her, his voice low and solid. I gestured to the hallway, to the right of where we stood. It led to my father’s office, the bathrooms, Tom’s basement apartment, and a room used for bible study, the men’s and women’s groups, and the local AA chapter.

Zane took her arm and tried to lead her towards the hall, but the woman stood rigid. “Suit yourself. But I won’t let you embarrass yourself here in front of all your friends.” He marched off towards the hall leaving her red-faced and outraged, while we all tromped after him. I had to hand it to him, he knew how to push her buttons, because sure enough she followed.

“The door right after the bathrooms,” I told him.

“You don’t have to be here you know,” he said low enough only I could hear.

“Yes, I do. Besides, according to everyone, I’m dauntless.”

He laughed as he opened the door. “I think your resolution is about to be challenged, good sir.”

“I’m not worried. Besides I can always hide behind Gary.”

“You bet, little man. I’ll protect ya.” Gary’s big paws landed on my shoulders, giving a playful shake that rattled my teeth.

“Yeah? And whose going to protect him against you, you big lug?” Tye asked.

“Duh, you of course.” Gary chuckled as I rubbed one of my shoulders good-naturedly. It was admirable to have them here beside us as we set to do battle with the winter witch; who happened to enter right then, slamming the door hard enough we all jumped while the windows quaked in fear. She wasn’t
that
imposing—only a few inches taller than me with her heels. But I’d met the crazy part of her, and knew there was where our adversary truly lay.

Her bronze painted nail pointed at me. “Gabriel Simmons, do your parents know you’re associating with a deviant? I would suspect not.”

The fact she called her own nephew a deviant might have surprised me had I not been privy to her psychotic rant two days ago. I stepped forward, and tapped my chin with my index finger.

“Let me think. They know I associate with your gay nephew, and that their own son is also gay. As a matter of fact, they also know he spent last night with me alone, and that I was indeed the one found in bed with him by—oh wait,” I shook my finger at her, “that was you who found us, wasn’t it? So to answer your question, no, they don’t know of any deviants I am unknowingly hanging out with.” If my intent was to shock her, I had managed.

Her mouth opened and closed like a fish for several seconds before her ire took hold again, coloring her face once more, and setting her grey-blue eyes ablaze.

She paced for a moment, then blurted, “Blaspheme. You,” she rounded on Zane, “You...you should have died in that van.” She folded her arms over her chest as if that was that, and maybe for her it was. For Zane, however, her words were a painful slap, draining all the color from his face and rendering him mute. The shock of what she said hung in the silent air, no one able to believe what they had just heard.

I must have conditioned myself to see Zane’s ticks or else I never would have noticed the tightening of his cheek right then, or the tremble of his fingers. I moved towards him, but his aunt got to him first and really did slap him then.

“How could you embarrass me like this?” She shook his shoulders, and I noticed the twitch magnify along the corner of his eye; eyes that were trying to retreat, escape, disappear. She hauled back to slap him again and I reached to pull Zane away from her just as Gary seized her wrist.

She struggled against Gary’s firm grip, then gave up and leaned forward, as close as she could get to Zane. “You ruined everything. Gabriel was a good boy, and you...you
defiled
Father Simmon’s son—”

“Sandy!” The crisp clear voice of my mother rang out.

Mrs. Cormley’s face shifted to one of remorse, her hand fluttering to her throat. “Margaret, I am so sorry for what my nephew has done to your Gabriel. He’s been wicked since birth. And now he’s turned your son.”

I turned a shaken Zane into my arms. He clung to me, his legs threatening to buckle, and somewhere I found the strength to hold him up.

“He did
not
turn my son.” I looked at her shaking her head adamantly. She appeared to be trying to convince herself as much as Mrs. Cormley of what she was saying. She glanced at me, her eyes belying how conflicted she still was. Yet her voice softened. “God made them the way they are. They didn’t choose to be this way.” She really was trying, and I felt the layers of hurt and anger lift, and begin to peel. She turned back to Zane’s aunt, and touched her arm tentatively. “Think about it, Sandy. Do you honestly believe Zane would have chosen to be something his own family reviled?”

I felt the slight shake of Zane’s head against my shoulder right before he sniffled very quietly, obviously trying to hide that he was crying. I stroked his back, leaning my head against his. That Zane might be ashamed of who he was, had never once crossed my mind. But then maybe he never had been, until he arrived here.

“But, Margaret, you know as well as anybody a person doesn’t know when the devil has invaded them,” Mrs. Cormley said matter-of-factly.

Mom’s head dropped and I saw her back expand as she took a deep breath. “No, they don’t. But those around them do. And if both my son and my husband tell me Zane is a good person, I’m going to believe he’s in God’s hands.” My mom’s head tipped to the side. “I know my son is.” She turned and walked over to us, then ran one hand down the back of my head, and the other over Zane’s. Her grey eyes pinched with a multitude of emotions. “I love you,” she whispered.

“I forgive you,” I choked out, blinking back the tears threatening. I refused to cry. Then my mom kissed my forehead, and squeezed Zane’s shoulder, and a few tears escaped.

“Thank y-you,” Zane said in a ragged barely audible voice.

She sighed heavily. “Don’t thank me. I judged you both when I had no right.” She looked at me. “And I should have been there for you, and for that I am ashamed.”

“I’ve been looking all over for you,” Merrill boomed, then stopped and assessed the room. “What the heck is going on here?” His shoulders drooped when he spotted Zane and I, then he turned accusatory eyes on his wife. “Sandy, what have you been up to?” Mrs. Cormley deflated completely under her husband’s hard gaze, and started wringing her hands.

My mom sighed, and went to him. “Merrill, I think Sandy needs to talk to someone before she causes irreparable damage to Zane.” Mom tugged his sleeve, and he leaned his head down. She whispered something in his ear that caused his mouth to fall open.

He turned to his wife in disbelief. “You didn’t. Oh, Sandy, how could you say that to him?”

She smoothed her yellow dress, and stood tall. “You know my opinion on homosexuality.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” He gave Zane a sympathetic once over, then turned imploring eyes on me.

“I’ve got him.” Zane’s hold tightened over my affirmation, telling me he wasn’t going anywhere with anyone but me.

Merrill nodded, then grabbed Mrs. Cormley by the arm. “We’re going home and having a long discussion about this.” He led her from the room. “I’ll be surprised if he ever comes home again. How could you?” His head was still shaking when he disappeared from sight toting his squeaking wife firmly beside him.

Zane’s fingers had been tap dancing on my back for the past few minutes. Gently I moved him back far enough to see his face. He tried to give me a reassuring smile but his muscles wouldn’t cooperate, and the attempt only made him look like a stroke victim. His head kept ticking to the left, something I had yet to see, and my concern grew.

“Where are your pills?” Pulling my hanky from inside my blazer, I wiped his face.

The droopy smile again. “Ha-house.” His eyes pushed closed. “I’m-mm okay.”

Mom reached out, and gently tried to smooth the tightness along his temple. “What’s wrong?”

Zane glanced at her, still apprehensive of her miraculous turn around. “Neur-neuro-mm...brain disorder.”

Cupping his cheek I explained for him. “He has a neurological disorder. Stress sometimes triggers it. His motor functions get messed up...” I stroked a thumb over his cheekbone. “I’ve never seen him this bad though.”

He laid his forehead against mine. “B-been worse.”

“That sucks, man,” Tye said. I had forgotten Tye was even here, he’d been so quiet. He wasn’t someone you’d want with you in a fight, because, well, he’d probably faint at the first sign of blood, but it appeared he’d stick around to help pick up the pieces afterwards.