Authors: Dee Winter
I get served eventually. When I struggle back over to
them, for the second time, after being only able to manage two drinks at a
time, the boys are busy with their phones. I down my drink in one. I need
it. I feel maybe I want to dance and so does Demi. We go to the dance floor
while Tobes and Benny go off to the toilet. We are dancing on our own for at least
half an hour. This doesn’t put me in the best mood. I suppose the music after
a drink is sort of ok, not exactly upbeat or happy stuff that I even like, but it’s
bearable. The people in here don’t seem friendly. There are no apologies when
they tread on your feet. If they want to get by, they just shove past. Then I
see Tobes talking on his phone in the club. I don’t know how he hears a thing.
Benny starts up on his phone too.
“Who are you talking to?” I ask nicely, perfectly
reasonable. He shushes me by putting a finger to his lips.
Shhhh
! I
look hard at him.
Really
? I don’t care. I’ll play him at his own
game. I get my phone out. I think shall I text Etienne or maybe I’ll just
call. Now is as good a time as any, so I call him. A little butterfly flits
in my belly and his phone is ringing now so no turning back. There is no
answer. Automated voicemail. I umm about leaving a message but think in this
noise, he’s not going to hear. I just hang up and tell everyone I’m going to go
and get more drinks. I see a gap appear over at the bar and move in there fast.
Benny follows and walks up close behind so quickly and
hard he knocks into me and it hurts as my arm gets crunched against the wood. “Who
were you phoning?!” He snorts.
“What the fuck? Who do you think you are tonight?” I
say with whispered venom not loud enough to be heard above the noise of the
club.
“Don’t get me angry girl... You know what I’m talking
about. You speak to your brother more than me.”
“Leave me then, if you don’t want me to be your girl
anymore. Go away!” The girl at the bar, who had come to take my order, looks
impatient. Her eyes move from me, to Benny, to the next customer waiting.
“What’s the matter with you? Can’t you go one night
without your stupid brother?” Now I get it. I don’t say anything. I just move
away from the bar, pick up my coat from near the radiator where I left it and go
to leave. I feel upset, like maybe I might have been crying. As I get out into
the open air I feel as though I might have to wipe a tear away. I touch my
face. It feels powder dry.
“You ok?” I hear steady and slow, directed at me. It’s
one of the doormen, tall, fair, not-so-handsome.
“Yeah, I’m cool. Thanks.” I say with a thin, crescent-moon
smile.
“Really? You look like you’ve just been in a fight.” I
realise my too big, stolen vest top is falling off me a little. I straighten
it up. As I look at him more I see that he is kind of cute. He has a light,
shaven head and a slight, sharp goatee. Square head, pointy chin. He would be
blonde. His eyes are blue, edged with menace.
“Well, yeah I did. Sort of. But I feel better now.” Half-moon
smile.
“What’s your name?” He asks, eyes glistening, a deep
inescapable pool.
I tell him. “Ella.”
“Pretty... Like yourself.” It takes a moment to put
his words right in my head and when they fall into place, full-moon. I feel a
lot better. “I’m Lee.” It sounds like a bouncer name but I don’t say this.
“Nice to meet you, Lee... I feel better now.” It
slips out without consideration. He’s smiling now, like a dog that might bite.
I light a cigarette. “So, your boyfriend’s left you...
Is he coming out to get you?” I’m a little startled by this and think he’s
seen him coming so I check and look through the open door to make sure he’s not.
I don’t see him.
“You know what, I hope to god he doesn’t.” Then I
say, “How do you know I got a boyfriend anyway? You watching us or something?”
“I saw you. When you came in... Or when you blagged
your way in past the others, and guys you were with. See it all the time, a
pretty face with the talk. But you looked different.”
Intrigued now, I ask, “Why?”
“You got your friend and the boyfriends in, but you
didn’t look like you wanted them to be there, the way you looked at them.” I
feel my eyebrows squash up my forehead into little rows.
“You were watching us pretty close, huh?”
“Pretty face like yours, yeah.” I wonder how many
other pretty faces he has been watching. I’m so close to just walking away. A
weakness for charm is the only thing keeping me there.
I then see Demi coming out of the club towards me. She’s
approaching at high-speed. “Ellie…” she says annoyingly, “there you are… been
looking for you.”
“Well hey, you’ve found me.” Sarcasm washes over her
like a wave.
“God! At last! I was starting to worry,” she slurs a
bit drunkenly.
Like hell, I think. She’s only worried because Benny
is probably in there getting angry, refusing to come out after me, so she probably
thinks someone has to. “Are you coming back in?” I don’t want to answer this
one, because I want to say no. Rude, nasty words revolve around in my head of
what I really would like to say to her, but I don’t. Best not to now.
“I’m just talking…” I move my head in Lee’s direction.
He’s been watching with interest. “I’ll be back in a bit. Give me five
minutes, yeah?” Demi shrugs, looking annoyed that she has got to go back in
the club on her own, well maybe I would too. “You go in.” I say, as she looks
back at me one more time, like she’s trying to pull me in with her stare. It’s
not going to work. My eyes are rooted on something else looking straight back at
me.
“You sure you don’t want to go back in with her?” Lee
says. “Just, if you stay out here much longer I might not let you back in.” It’s
not a genuine threat, more like a come-on. I’ll go back in if I want. I don’t
say anything. I think I’m better off where I am for now.
Then with no warning, Benny explodes onto the scene
like a can of coke shaken up. His appearance makes Lee and the other bouncer
step forward, rise up. I feel as if he might hit me but he doesn’t. He gets
right up in my face. “What the hell are you doing out here?! Get inside you
stupid cow!” I feel his spit on my face but I don’t let it register my
disgust.
“I don’t want to go back in. I don’t feel well.” I
lie.
“You were ok earlier.” He is still right in my face,
so close I can smell the vile dung-stench of his saliva. At this point I can
see Lee looking away but one of the other doormen steps in a little closer and says,
“Not out here guys. Move it along.” Benny seethes on
the spot silently.
“It’s only coz you’re here he hasn’t hit me.” I
surprise even myself with this brave report of truth. Both doormen look at me,
then Benny, then me again, not moving an inch.
“Not out here ok. Move along.”
“Ok.” I say looking at my feet, shrugging. I swing
myself round and walk away in the direction of the tallest building with the
pretty lights.
I’m only about ten steps away when I hear, “Ella?
Come back! Where you going? Oi!” His voice is raised. The bouncers don’t do
a thing more as he jogs towards me. He catches up, inevitably. “Hey, where
are you going? Tobes and Dems are back there. You can’t just go.”
“I’ll do what I want.” He makes a satisfying noise of
exasperation.
“Come on, Elle.”
“Err... My name’s Ella. I’m hungry. I’m going to
get food.”
“What the fuck? You’re always fucking hungry. You
were feeling sick a minute ago.” We walk quickly, further into the square
heading straight towards the burger place on the corner. I push through the
heavy glass door into the bright lights and onto the white sticky tiles. He
doesn’t say anything now as he trails angrily behind me. It’s too busy in here
for him to kick off. The security guard would throw him out in a second, no
messing. I go to the counter and buy a tasty burger with ketchup, cheese,
onions, no pickle. I’m too wound up to say thanks and the server girl gives me
the Evil Eye with dense intent that I feel hit me hard, my defences low. I
leave burger in hand. Outside the door I unwrap and start to eat. Benny is
like an evil shadow dancing at my elbow. I take a big bite. It’s so good. My
mouth is full so I cannot talk. Benny is huffing and puffing still, like a
wolf about to blow the burger bar down as I take my second bite. “Look, what
you did back there was out of order. You can’t just get up and leave a club
like that. Just walk off outside and no-one knows where you’ve gone.”
I swallow. “I never knew you cared.”
“For fuck’s sake, Elle...” Not the response I was
after, not an admission he did care. I’m fooling myself to expect it. Reality
is he never did. He’s interrupting the enjoyment of my food now so I walk
away. I’m not sure where I’m going. Just away. Far away. I start to walk
faster and the more he tails me, the more wound up I get. The energy builds up
inside me, like a kettle on the boil. I feel the steam about to burst out of
my ears, like I’m in a cartoon.
I spin round to face him, “Leave me alone!” I then make
a quarter turn wheeling round on the spot and charge on down a dark alley. I
will shake him off or he will stop or turn back. He’s following still, so I
walk faster… BLAM! The alley stops dead. I nearly go smack bang into a brick
wall. Almost. Too busy looking at the floor, rather than where I was headed. I
breathe deep, somewhat in shock. I feel my face go beetroot-blush. I spin
round to face Benny who’s looking flush too.
He’s glaring at me. I’m now holding back tears with
all the will I have in me. I don’t, I can’t say anything. He looks at me a
little longer wide-eyed. I stare right back at him. I don’t know how many
seconds pass until he speaks. “You know what, you’re right... It’s over.” And
suddenly, powerfully, he yanks the remains of my burger out of my hands and
hurls it onto the floor, wrapper and all, at my feet. It splatters into a mess
on the road. I look down and see little squares of onion on my boots. Ketchup
splattered right up the hem of my jeans. He just stares at the road then turns
on his trainers, the sound of the street gravel grinding beneath. He jogs into
the distance and turns the corner. He is gone.
It
has now gone half past weekend. It’s late. It’s very dark. Friendless I
stand in the alley, waiting for him, hoping he does, hoping doesn’t come back. I
really believe he will at first. Part of me wants him. He will come back,
surely. He’s not going to leave me all on my own here now, is he? Suddenly within,
a tiny seed of fear sprouts into a little shoot of panic. I don’t know where I
am. I don’t think I have a choice. I have to go back to the club. I need to do
something fast before I get into any more trouble.
First
I count down a few seconds slowly. Ten, nine, eight, seven. Six, five, four.
Three, two, one. Zero. I hear shuffling noises towards the end of the alley. I’m
blocked in. I draw back against the dark wall. A jolt of adrenalin turns the
shoot into a little tree inside me. I shake a little as I hide. I wait a
little longer. Thankfully the noise passes. There’s still a tiny subatomic particle
somewhere in me that dares to hope His Royal Highness
will come to find
me. Though the only reason I want him back now is so that I’m not alone, and
safe.
Now
the alley is quiet, I’m still full of fear. I’m not soft, but this is
dangerous. The twisted side of me maybe even wants something bad to happen, not
too bad. But how awful would it make Benny feel. How bad! I realise standing
still is not doing much for my soul right now. Doing nothing is never good for
the soul. My brain signals for my feet to start moving and I begin the same
slow crunching steps that Benny started what must be at least five minutes ago,
except I can hear my steps are slower.
As
I turn the corner the familiar lights and buildings face me. I don’t know exactly
where I am but I don’t feel lost. I never feel lost in London. I check the
time and it’s just past 2:00am. I think the bar where we were should still be
open or people will be leaving now. If I go there, I may have half a chance of
getting a genuine cab, not just some chancer in a dented saloon riddled with
rust and body odour, that to my own admission, I have been in the past all too
familiar with. But I may have a problem. I look in my wallet. I have less
than five pounds left, just coins.
As I approach the bright lights and bustle outside the
club it doesn’t feel right. I still feel scared, panic rising. The skinny
sapling is now a mighty oak. It’s hard to breathe. I’ve never gone alone into
a club before, in all the times I have been clubbing, not even to a bar. Even
if I’ve started out alone, I’ve always met someone first or waited round the
corner or at a bus stop smoking until I know I’m so late whoever I’m meeting
will be there. This is new. I’m scared but obviously I try not to show it. I
think familiarity may be the key so I look for Lee. I see him there still with
the other doormen who all now look brutal. One I see is toying with an
extendable kosh in his pocket. The other has a big c-shaped scar, visible from
here, on his cheek. I look from a distance at Lee. He has the look of
violence too, only his expression seems a little softer, like maybe he would
talk to you first before beating the crap out of you.