Authors: Dee Winter
“Yes and if you hadn’t interrupted me so rudely you
would’ve heard me go on to say I should have Ruby by lunchtime. It’s only
Jamie and Marcia I’m not expecting back ‘til tomorrow night.”
“But Mrs. Diaz…” I say. She hasn’t finished
“…but I’m not letting my granddaughter anywhere near
that foul mouth of yours. Not today. You can tell your brother that.” And
she hangs up.
FUUCCKK
!
There’s no point in redialling again. I’ve blown it
well and truly. Rob’s going to kill me. I don’t know what I’m going to say so
I think on it. Say nothing for now. I go out into the kitchen and make us a
coffee. We drink them sipping quietly. I wash up the red mugs in complete
silence. Rob has been staring at me solidly for the past twelve minutes. I’ve
watched them all tick by on the clock on the wall while I’ve been drying a single
cup. I haven’t said a word. He’s waiting. He’s probably thinking
get out
of this one
. I’m still too scared to talk. “So...?” He says eventually. I
chicken. I decide can’t tell him.
I pretend our chat went well. “I said we’d be there
in about an hour or so. She said cool.”
“She said
cool
?”
I can’t believe for a second that my lie is falling
apart already so I build on it. “Well, she said fine to be exact. Nothing is
ever cool with her.” So I hint at the truth but still way too poulet to let on
just yet, or even ever, maybe. I’ll have to play along now until I can somehow
scam my way out of this. Rob is making toast. He butters a slice then hands
me a plate
.
I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him
…The words keep singing around
inside my head. It doesn’t help that I feel like a husk this morning, my body a
shell without its snail. I make a pot of tea as we’ve now used the last grains
of the instant coffee. I light a cigarette, take my plate and go and sit in
the lounge just as Jon is coming out of his bedroom.
“Alright geez,” says Jon.
“You dirty slag…” Rob replies.
“Yeah and proud.” Jon says jogging to the bathroom. I
quietly wonder if the VD symptoms are already kicking in. I think about my lie
again. Maybe I should tell Rob now and have the backup of someone else here so
he doesn’t kick the hell out of me. Then I think maybe not as the
embarrassment could kill him. His sister fucking up his weekend plans to see
his daughter and she boldly tells him exactly how she fucked up in front of his
mate. I hold back. Reality is I’m still too scared to breathe a word, happy
to cruise along in denial for as long as I possibly can.
We eat our makeshift breakfast of toast, drink some
more tea, smoke more cigarettes and watch some Saturday morning TV. Rob and
Jon smoke a couple of spliffs but that’s too much for me at this time in the
morning. I busy myself with my makeup. Eventually we say our goodbyes to Jon
and make our way outside to Rob’s car. He starts the engine and now I know its
time. “I’ve fucked up…” I say and my throat goes tight and a sharp tear starts
in the corner of my eye.
“What now?” he says, with a barely detectable quiver
of concern. I can’t answer. My throat is burning and I’m choked up. I know
I’m going to cry as soon as I speak. I don’t say anything. “What?!” says Rob
again, looking over at me. He can see my tears I think as he looks over. “What
is it Skit? Tell me.”
“I had a bit of a row, with Mrs. Diaz, on the phone
just now.”
“You did? Nothing new there.” He says sounding not remotely
concerned. He cannot see the cartoon image of the fuse-lit bomb above his head
that I’m about to drop. “Don’t let her get to you.” I start to blub, like a
baby.
“I’ve fucked it today Rob... I’ve fucked it. She
won’t let me see Ruby… I think coz I was rude. I think I swore at her.”
“Fucking hell, what did you say?”
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything.”
“You must’ve said something, don’t fuck about.”
“Only... I just said that Marcia should answer her
phone, only I think I swore, and I don’t think she liked the way I said it.”
“You idiot!” He says with annoyance. “Don’t think
crying like a kid’s going to make anything better.”
“I’m sorry.” It’s not the first time my mouth’s got
me into trouble, but not usually like this. “Maybe you should go round there, maybe
she’s only pissed off with me, coz I swore.”
“Of course I’m going round there.”
“I don’t spose…”
“No, you don’t suppose you’re coming with me. I’m
taking you home. Why don’t you go hang out with your knockabout boyfriend, see
if I give a shit.” It’s been a long time since Rob’s been like this. We
rarely fall out. I want to just start crying again but I don’t. I sit quietly,
holding it in. I don’t make another sound.
Rob drops me home in silence and only gestures to my
bag in the back. I take it, and then off he drives, without me. I entirely
regret the phone call to Mrs. Diaz. I know if I kept my cool I could have
spent the day with them. I just love spending time with Ruby. It’s a bitter
punishment to be left out. I think about my alternatives. Call the bar, maybe
work a shift, or just go there for a drink. I think no, it’s a Saturday. I
could do with the cash but I don’t feel like working today. I’m tired. Maybe I’ll
text Benny and see if he wants me. There isn’t anyone else who will. I know
for sure today Benny’s not working. He worked last weekend.
I go back in to the flat to freshen up. I get in the
shower to wash the dank smell of stale cigarettes and sweaty club off me and wash
the black marks off my feet. I change into a clean tracksuit that still smells
of floral-scented fabric conditioner. I wander to the fridge. The milk is off
and the white bread has green spots on it. I should go shopping before I do
anything but I think if I go to Benny’s I am probably not coming back. I then
think I haven’t even spoken to Benny yet. It might still be that I’m in this
evening on my own after all. I ring him. He is still in bed. It’s only just
midday but I’m pretty sure the noises he was making meant it was ok for me to
come over. I get myself ready. I get my usual going out, staying out bag
together. The shopping can wait.
When I get round to Benny’s the door is open. It’s
nice to be expected although it is slightly worrying that any old toad could be
in there. I get a bit of a shock as just as I’m in the hallway, Benny’s flatmate
Tobes is on the way out and almost knocks me flying. “Hey Ella. Can’t stop.” He
says rushing past without so much as looking at me.
“Ok.” I reply, walking on, not bothering to look back
either. Benny has his bedroom door locked. I have to knock. Nothing happens.
I knock harder and say. “Hey, let me in asshole.” I hear a groan and then
some shuffling. He unlocks the door for me and falls straight back into bed. The
smell of weed and unwashed bed linen hits me. I don’t bother with
conversation. There’s no point talking to him while he’s like this. Even if
he hears me he won’t be listening and won’t remember a word, so I just say
nothing. I get into bed with him. I warm up to the same temperature before
even thinking about taking my socks off.
We stay in bed for longer than is strictly decent. Benny
gets up to pee and when he comes back Tobes strolls into the room with him. I
have to move fast to cover my nakedness, else he would see it all, again, and
Benny would shout at me, though it would be entirely his fault. Anyway, I am
decent, covered.
“Good morning,” Tobes says, all sarcastic. It’s half
past two. I don’t say anything.
“Wanna go out with Tobes and Demi later?” Benny says.
“Uh, ok...”
“Yeah. Go into town. Maybe head up west? Go
dancing.” Tobes says.
“Yeah, ok.” I say, thinking it will hardly measure up to
last night and there won’t be any proper dancing. Still, I think it could be
fun. Rob’s not going to want me tonight, so I say, “Cool. What sort of time?”
“Oh, dunno yet... Demi’s out with her mum shopping.
I’m gonna pick her up in a bit.” Tobes says.
“Ok. Cool.” I say. During this brief conversation Benny
has rolled and lit a spliff and after drawing on it four times, he hands it to
Tobes. Tobes walks off. I look over at him and he’s already started rolling
another. “What do you want to do now?”
“Go back to sleep?” he shrugs. He’s serious.
“How about we go do some food shopping?” We need to
eat lunch, then dinner later. “Maybe get some crisps, bread definitely for
toast, and milk for coffee...”
“Sorry but your on your own sweetie,” he says, lying back
down, puffing like a magic dragon. Smoke is starting to engulf the room.
“Ok, well I’m going to go.” I start brushing my hair
and then pull my boots on. I pick up my bag. “Right, I’ll see you in a bit
babe, I won’t be long.” I think I’ll be as long as I want.
“Ah babe... while you’re out, get us some skins and
fags. I’ll give you the money later.”
“Ok.” I say, and quietly curse him after I’ve shut
the front door behind me.
I bus it in to town. I think I’ll have a look round
the other shops too before I head back. There’s no hurry. Demi always takes
her time so I will take mine. The market is on again. It’s still busy at this
hour in the afternoon. I can smell burgers in the cold air. There are lots of
papers, golden brown leaves and crisp packets under my feet. I can’t walk
about as fast as I want to. Kiddies, dogs, and pushchairs are all getting in
my way. Then there’s one old woman, walking in front of me, who all of a
sudden comes to a dead stop. Bang! It’s all I can do to stop crashing
straight into her.
I go into the shopping centre where it’s a little more
subdued and calm. Panpipe music plays. Still its busy enough I think to steal
something. I feel a bit chicken but it’s so tempting. I test my luck in the
chemist. I slip a black mascara up my sleeve and as I leave I pay for a
chocolate bar. The dark security guard looks at me as I leave. I just smile,
all teeth and blush. He smiles back. Sucker. I check out some CDs in the
music shop nearby but they got wise. I have only been here once since it
opened. I got away with it then and I’m thinking I can again but I have
intuition. I think they were waiting for my comeback. The guard has walked
past me twice. Like I’m going to steal the empty box I’m looking at. So I
dash out of the shop just for the hell, with nothing, just to make them think,
did she? I like running but it looks bad in a shopping centre so I stop, take
a breath, slow my heartbeat. Smile.
In the next clothes shop where banging dance music
plays, I see a sexy little vest top I could wear tonight. £16. No tag. If I
can get it under my coat it’s free. But, I haven’t stolen anything big like
this for a while. It’s hot in the shop. I puff the air out of my cheeks like
I’m feeling the heat. I take my jacket off and hang it over my arm. There are
lots of people bustling round me. There’s a security guard too but he’s
looking the other way. When I’m sure no eyes are on me I slip it under my
jacket. Now be cool. I concentrate on looking normal but feel anything but. Cheeks
warming, pulse jumping, heart a flutter. I look at a red hot mini-dress that I
would wear if only I had a place to wear it to. Then I see some baby blue
pedal pushers, sweet, soft, not really me. Then a pair of bright pink jeans
that I would make a real statement in but they are just too expensive and
tagged. All the time my heart’s beating faster and my face is getting hotter. I
think enough is enough and I walk out. My heart is pounding as I go out the
door and I anticipate an alarm going off or a hand clamping down on my
shoulder. But nothing. I calm a little but still a buzz with excitement. I
head straight to the toilets to tear out the labels then hide it on me, tucking
it round my belly into my waistband. Before I do this, I try it on. It’s a
little bit big, a bit baggy. But it is very pretty and a shiny stretchy plum,
with lace down the centre and thin spaghetti straps that fall off my shoulder.
I think about whether I have the nerve to take it back and try to exchange it. I
think no, absolutely not. I’ve tested my luck enough for one day. That’s me
done. But I can see the reason why people get addicted to this kind of thing. It’s
a drug-free high, but still illegal. I love danger and I of all people, with the
most addictive personality could easily be getting hooked on something like
this. It’s the fear in me that stops it. I am scared of getting caught. It
would upset my mum just too much. She thinks I’m gold. Her buttercup. I’m
not a dirty thief, that’s for sure. She thinks of thieves like scum, all the
same. I think there are subtle differences. People who burgle homes yeah scum
outright, but grafting from a big brand department store or eating sweets from
the pick and mix, surely that’s a different thing.
I skip around the shopping centre with a smile so
broad I can barely keep myself from laughing. But I do. I don’t want people
to think I’ve escaped from a nuthouse. I’d probably end up arrested anyway. I
look in a few more shops. I see some silly flower power rings and jangly bangles
in one, and then some beautiful but expensive diamond rings I could never ever
afford in a hot lit window. Eventually I feel I’m done and I head to the
mini-market to get the shopping I set out for. I hope a basket will be big enough.
The light is incredibly bright. I feel fluorescent and hot, especially with
the stolen goods, like a built-in hot water bottle round my belly. I quickly
get a loaf of white bread, two pints of milk, four packets of plain crisps, six
eggs, a pack of bacon, tin of beans, a litre of orange juice, one box of chocolate
finger biscuits, one packet of custard creams, a family-sized bar of chocolate,
cigarettes and spearmint gum. Then I remember to go back in to get Benny’s rolling
papers.