“Then let me be your life raft.”
In that moment I feel eternity stretch her arms before me. The possibility of it makes me want to fucking cry. Can she save me?
What would she think if she knew?
Really knew me?
She’ll leave.
I know she will. She’ll leave and I’ll be devastated.
“You said we have an hour?” Her breath fans my neck, making my pulse speed.
“They won’t care if I’m a little late.”
Actually, they will and they’ll take it out on my hide later. But I needed this. I need my Lily, I can’t do this alone, not tonight.
“The cliffs aren’t far from your gym. Let’s go there.”
Chapter 18
Liliana
We’re in the car, on the hills overlooking the city below. It’s dark, lights burn inside the buildings, looking like lightening bugs the way they wink and blink.
It’s a miracle that we have the hill to ourselves, but it is Thursday night. And that could be why, because this is the make out point for high schoolers. College is easy if you want to have sex; you do it in your dorm and put a sock on the knob to let your roommate know you have company, stay away.
But this is my night.
Our night.
I didn’t want Alex to know what we were doing and I couldn’t do this at home.
I turn to him, feeling like a freaking virgin all over again.
I have a kid for crying out loud. It’s not as if I haven’t had sex before. So why are my hands shaking so bad?
We’d hopped into the backseat not long after parking.
“Angel,” his whiskey smooth voice washes through me, heats my veins and makes my blood boil, “we don’t have to do this.”
Scooting as close to him as I possibly can, I hold his whiskered chin. “Don’t think I’m doing this to keep you. I want you. I have for a very long time.”
His Adam’s Apple bobs. I slip my hands through his short curls and tug, forcing his eyes open.
“No matter what happens after tonight, I will never regret this.” I don’t look away from him, trying to let him know I understand what we’re doing and I’m still a willing participant.
My heart is racing, my nerves shot.
“I love you,” he whispers and I’m so stunned I never think to say it back.
I can’t do anything other than blink.
There are times, you know, when a man tells you they love you, and it means nothing. It’s like saying hi, or see you later. Meaningless jabber that they hope will get them into your pants. But this… this is different.
I know Ryan never says these words.
He’s never spoken them to me about anyone.
He’s never even told me that before.
I love him so much. So much it’s killing me.
Tears roll down my eyes and I smile.
Moaning, he leans in and tastes the salt of my tears, kissing them gently away.
“I’m sorry, Angel. I won’t ever do this again. I’m sorry.”
But then there are no more words.
Just action.
I slip my cool fingers underneath his sweater, tracing the hard ridges of his abs. Grunting, he flinches and then his big palms cup my ass, forcing me onto his lap. Leaning over, I move, the friction of our clothes rubbing together, between my legs, I can’t control the inhuman sounds that spill from me. And I don’t want to.
Kissing me, he tugs on my sweater until I lift my arms-- breaking contact only long enough to toss the sweater over my head. Hair spills into my eyes.
Gently, reverently, he pushes it back and then kisses me again. Harder, more insistently. I lave the seam of his lips with my tongue and he opens with a moan.
He tastes like chocolate-- dark and decadent. I twine my tongue around his, burning up as he snaps my bra off. Cool air hits my back as his hot, rough palms cup my breasts.
Moaning, I toss my head back, giving him all of me-- every inch, everything. I want him all over my body. I want to be all over his. He peppers the side of my jaw and neck with wet kisses, circling his tongue lower and lower.
So quick, I get dizzy, he twists me around, pinning me to the seat with him kneeling on top. Drawing the sweater over his head, I suck in a sharp breath.
I’ve seen his naked chest so many times, that doesn’t mean I’m immune.
“You have a beautiful body.” I trace a finger along each horizontal demarcation.
He sucks in a breath, hollowing out his stomach. “You keep touching me like that, and I’ll explode.”
“Then hurry,” I wet my lips and trail my fingers along my nipples, “because if you don’t do something about this soon, I will.”
A hard grunt explodes from him and I stop thinking.
Grabbing hold of his sweatpants, I tug them down as far as I can. Taking over, he slides them the rest of the way off.
“Briefs man? Thought you’d be a boxer guy. Though the boxer briefs are super sexy.” I purr.
“Too much damn talking.” He silences me with one of his drugging kisses. The ones that make me forget what day it is, what school I go to, how to breathe properly. Leaning his big, heavy body on his forearms-- so that he doesn’t have to put too much weight on mine-- Ryan rocks forward.
Our tongues are dueling again. He tastes so good, I could get drunk on him. My head is so foggy and the world’s spinning, it’s a delicious sort of madness.
Wrapping my legs around his hips I wiggle, trying to grind out the throbbing friction building between my thighs.
“Pants,” I pant, not sure I’m making much sense.
But he must understand, because his fingers are on my zipper and then my jeans are gone.
Wrapping my arms around his back, I lean up and kiss as much of his chest as I can, whispering beneath my breath that I adore him. Need him. Love him.
But I don’t think he hears; he’s lost in the heat and so am I.
“Lili, I need to feel you.” He nudges me with his thickness and I bite my knuckle.
I’m ready, more than ready. I’ve been waiting for this my whole life.
I nod.
Reaching over, he grabs his wallet that’d somehow wound up on the floor and pulls out a golden foil. Tearing into it with his teeth, he looks at me again.
“I’m not a saint, but if you need to stop now… I will.” I can tell by the sound of his strained voice just how hard the thought of that is for him.
Spilling all my truth into my eyes I let him see everything I’m feeling and hope he hears the sincerity of my answer as I say, “Please.”
Shoving his briefs down, his shaft springs out. It’s bigger than I’d expected it to be. I lick my lips as a nervous tension zips down my spine. It’s been years since I’ve done this, not that I don’t know how, but he’s a lot bigger than Javi’s dad had been.
An unnatural stillness fills the car as he methodically rolls the condom on, and I’m twitchy, on fire. So unbelievably ready. I want this man, want him with all my heart. At fourteen I thought I’d been ready, and I’d never regret Javi, but that was nothing compared to what I was feeling at this moment.
Like the world and everything in it had hit the pause button, except for Ryan and I. Because there is no one else in my head, or my heart right now. It’s just him and me.
Then he gazes at me again and there’s an animal inside his eyes. Something wild and fierce and looking at me with so much love I know nothing will ever compare to this moment. My first time with him.
This is my man.
My world.
And I want him.
I open my arms.
Tugging my panties down around my knees he slides between my thighs and for a moment just lays there. I want to move, to start this thing, but there’s something unbelievably erotic about laying naked pressed up to the man you love.
He’s heavy, but not too heavy. Like we’re two pieces of a puzzle, interlocking together so perfectly I know God made him just for me.
Then he starts to move again, nuzzling my left breast. Heat ripples like a slow tide in my stomach. Moaning, I wiggle, rubbing my heat against his hardness.
“Lili, Lili,” he mumbles, then pops my nipple into his mouth as he slowly slides in.
He’s big and stretching me, filling me up, but it’s not uncomfortable, it only takes me a second to find the perfect rhythm, to match his steady undulations. Wild, I hook my nails into his back and slide them down, he hisses, but doesn’t seem to mind, just increases his tempo.
I love him.
Love this man with scars so deep they terrify me.
I’ll do anything to save him.
I know that now.
And when he whispers my name again, I know in that instant he’s ruined me for anyone else. Because this is love.
And it’s beautiful.
***
Ryan
By a miracle we arrived at the gym with ten minutes to spare, but my body won’t stop trembling. The instant I’d stepped from the car, I was sure my knees were going to give out.
She’d been so responsive, murmuring words I couldn’t make sense of. And I hoped somewhere in there she’d told me she loved me back. But even if she didn’t, I felt it in every touch, every whisper of breath against my flushed skin.
The minx had drawn blood too; twin welts run the length of my back. I hadn’t known what to expect with Lili, but it was better than any dream, any desire I could have imagined.
Leaning my head on the cold locker I take deep breaths, I have to forget. For now. If I go into the ring all dizzied up like some fucking virgin who’s just had her cherry popped, it’ll be a feeding frenzy.
But I’m not sure how to forget something like this.
I’ve had so much sex with so many different women I can’t even remember half their faces. But this hadn’t been sex.
It’d been infinitely more.
It’d been prayer, worship, and it’d left an indelible mark on my soul.
Her skin all dusky and burnished, cheeks flushed, hair plastered to her face with sweat-- I wish I could paint, wish there were some way to get the moment back and experience it every day for the rest of my life.
Blowing out a deep breath, I toss my sweater into the locker, kick off my sneakers and shrug out of my pants, reaching into my bag I’m just slipping on my shorts when a guy enters.
I haven’t seen him around before. Dark complexioned, with the kind of swarthy good looks that most women seem to find irritatingly irresistible, it immediately pisses me off. I slam my locker shut.
Second he sees me, a leering grin tips the corners of his mouth. “Hey man,” he says, voice slick as an oil stain as he holds out a hand.
Lip curling, I turn and grab the white wraps out of my bag.
Laughing, a cocky sound that grates like nails on a chalkboard, he shrugs. “Hey, whatever. Name’s Olivio. I’m your sparring partner tonight.”
“Where’s Noah? That’s my partner.” I start wrapping the tape around my hands, tight, flexing so hard they start to tingle from blood loss.
“Sick. Anyway,” Olive oil opens his locker, “you see that piece of hot ass sitting outside?”
Molars grinding, I punch my fist against my palm.
Little black eyes narrow into thin slits. “That yours?”
Nostril’s flaring, I whip my head up.
Olive oil licks his lips. “You tap that yet? Cause I don’t do sloppy seconds.”