While they’re debating, someone else walks on stage. A short frizzy headed guy with glasses adjusts the mic and is obviously sweating, if the massive pit stains are any indication. He tunes his guitar and then starts strumming.
I grimace.
Lili pats my knee.
“I’d feel a lot better if you went up there. Dazzled us all. Save my ears from bleeding at the end of the night.”
“Ryan, you give me too much credit. I’m really not that good.”
Mock pouting, I whisper. “Please? For me?”
“Oh jeez,” she laughs.
“Damn, now I know you’ve got it bad.” Alex’s voice rises. “You’re making him beg, Lili Bean. And that ain’t pretty.”
Shannonstacystacia pouts and smacks Alex’s chest, eying Lili through cold brown eyes. Obviously she doesn’t like Alex’s pet name for her.
Smirking, I wrap my arm tighter around Lili, giving her a quick hug.
“It’s true,” I say, “this may not be pretty, but I’m willing to sacrifice my dignity for the sake of all our ears.” I nibble the tip of her ear.
Squirming, she pops me and then kisses me.
Biting my lip, letting her see just how much I’m enjoying myself, I stroke her back, just barely dipping below her waist to flutter my fingers along her ass. I love it when she gets rough.
Her mouth parts a little and her words sound breathy as she says, “You’re not getting me up there without at least a little something in me, and since this is a coffee shop,” she shrugs, “oh well.”
Laughing, Alex claps my back. “Ask and you shall receive.”
Reaching into his pocket he pulls out a travel size bottle of vodka.
“What the hell, Alex?” Lili does a double take. “Do you always carry around little vials of booze with you?”
“Hey, you never know when you’ll need it.” Leaning back, he draws blondie into him. She simpers, almost vibrating like a kitten with a bowl of cream.
“Lush,” Lili sticks out her tongue, but swipes it up and uncaps it, then looks me square in the eyes with her mossy green ones. “You really want me to?”
“I really do.”
“Ugh, fine. But you owe me.” Tossing her head back, she swallows the entire bottle and then howls as tears fill her eyes. Fingers shaking, she snatches Alex’s guitar.
She makes to head to the stage, but I hook my finger beneath her navy blue shirt and tug her onto my lap.
“Kiss me.”
Her breath tastes of liquor and coffee.
“Delicious,” I breath a minute later.
Patting my collar down, she asks, “What should I play? I don’t know that many songs. And don’t say Malagueña. I’m still not that good at it.”
I didn’t have to think about it long. “Silver Springs.”
I’d wanted to hear her sing that song again ever since the night she’d sang it to Javier in the car coming home from the zoo.
Scrunching her nose in the most adorable fashion, she nibbles on the corner of her lip. “Really? That’s not a romantic song. In fact, it’s pretty damn depressing.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that.” I tweak her nose.
Shoving her face so close I have to fight not to cross my eyes, she says, “What do I get for doing this?”
I smile, but don’t say anything. That’s such a loaded question and I have zero desire to share just what I wanted to do to her in front of blondie and jock. But it starts with her breasts and ends with a satisfied moan spilling from her satisfied lips.
Her perfect apple bottom ass flexes as she strides confidently toward the stage.
“She really that good?” Shannonstacystacia pops her gum.
Wetting my lips, still tasting her essence on me, I roll my gaze toward her. “Yeah.”
“Ten bucks says she’s not as good as my, Alex.” She twirls her finger around his nipple.
Yelping, Alex flicks her hand off. “You got money to pay that bet if you lose?” he grumbles.
Batting her lashes, she swats his shoulder.
How the hell can he stand that?
I curl my lip.
“No, but you do. And besides, we won’t lose.” She rubs her nose with his.
Getting ready to hurl, I look back at my girl.
Maybe I’ll take her out to get a soda with that ten later.
Chapter 15
Liliana
The booze is definitely helping, at least my hands are steady as I take my seat and begin tuning Ryan’s guitar.
I can’t look up.
Why is Ryan so insistent I play?
And Silver Springs, of all songs. Has he ever even listened to the words? Does he know the song’s about a lover scorned?
Which means I can’t sing it at him, I’m a little superstitious that way.
So as I tune, I let my mind wander to the one man I’d loved whose leaving had crippled me-- my dad.
This song isn’t really designed for just the guitar, but somehow I find my way. And as I pluck the first chord I sing to him. But as the words come, so do the memories.
I remembered sitting on his knee when I was five. Him telling me that me and mom were his whole world. How he used to smell, like cigars and cologne.
How I thought I had the perfect family and how sure I was things would never change.
Until the day the doctor had told me Javi was coming, the day the light inside my dad died and went blank. It was the day he’d given up on me. The day he’d decided mom and I weren’t worth it after all.
He’d hidden himself in the garage and played and drank until the sun would set, an endless cycle set to repeat over and over.
I hope I still haunt him.
Hope wherever he is now, whoever he’s with, that whenever he closes his eyes he sees us. Sees what he chose to walk away from. Sees Javi’s sweet little face and that it kills him inside.
I pour it all out. Pretending he’s sitting right in front of me, pretending each and every word actually means something to him. That he hears and he cries. That for the first time in his miserable life he regrets ever walking out on us.
By the end I’m trembling and the entire coffee shop is silent, the last strain of music hangs like an echo between us.
When I stand, the crowd applauds.
Ryan’s wearing a small smile, but I swear that maybe there’re tears in his eyes.
Feeling like an exposed nerve, I march back to the table and plop down on my seat, thrusting the guitar back at Alex.
“Here.”
Ryan rubs my shoulder. “Beautiful, Angel.”
“Ah, fuck,” Alex snarls, and reaching into his back pocket, pulls out a ten, slipping it into Ryan’s shaking hand because he’s laughing so hard.
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Nothing, Angel.” Ryan kisses the crown of my head. “Nothing at all.”
Chapter 16
Ryan
Moans.
And skin.
And sweat
.
It wakes me up with a roar, drenched and burning up; I shove the blankets off my legs. My room is dark, the clock reads ten past two in the morning.
Liliana frowns, sitting up she rubs her eyes.
It’d been late when we’d finally left the coffee shop. She’d had a shot of booze, and I hadn’t wanted her to drive home just in case. Calling her mom, I’d told her she’d be coming home with me.
At some point we’d passed out on the couch again. I’d woken up with an ache in my lower back and had moved us over to my bed, little knowing what awaited me only an hour later. I’d felt so calm, peaceful, and invincible.
But now… my heart beat’s so hard I know it’s going to crack a rib and my mouth tastes like I’ve gargled salt water.
“Baby?” Lili grabs my naked shoulder, rubbing softly.
Her cool touch burns through my hot skin.
“It’s nothing.” I yank on my hair, clenching my jaw and forcing the panic out of my voice. “Just a bad dream. Go back to bed.”
She kisses my back. “You sure?”
My stomach churns, burns.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. Gotta go to the bathroom. Just go to sleep.” I kiss her brow.
Her smile is soft, and so damn innocent. Trusting. She lies back down and rolls over, sleeping softly once again and I run to the bathroom.
Locking the door, I barely make it to the toilet before everything’s coming up.
I haven’t had the dreams in months. Not since we’d started dating.
My gut aches as its contents forcefully spews out my mouth.
Gripping the rim, panting long after there’s nothing left to purge I sit back and rock, clamping down onto my knuckle.
If she wasn’t here I’d scream.
Punch something.
Break things.
Fuck!
Moaning, I strip off my clothes and turn on the shower to the highest heat possible then get in, needing to wash the dream off.
I’m never going to get it out of my head.
Never going to not remember the night my life had become a living hell.
I slam my wrist against the stall, wishing I could do so much more. Wishing I had a knife to just cut myself with. Wishing I could make some of this hate escape. But I have nothing.
So I sit and I rock and pray for the sun to hurry up because I can’t go back to sleep. Not with him waiting for me.
My muscles tremble, my teeth clack as the water turns from boiling to ice.
“She’s got three freckles on her nose,” I mumble, coughing water out of my mouth as it tries to drown me.
“A tiny cleft in her jaw.”
My hands shake so hard I have to shove them under my ass to make it stop.
“Green eyes I want to drown in.”
Liliana will save me.
She has to.
Because there’s no other choice for me.
My soul is black, my heart shriveled, anything good in me is her.
That is it.
And if she doesn’t save me, no one else can.
…A month later
Liliana
I keep calling his cell. He won’t pick up. I’ve tried five days straight. He’s shutting me out and the panic is wreaking havoc on me. Is he breaking up with me? Is this it? I don’t know what to do, but I’m desperate, so I keep calling.
Finally, on the sixth ring he answers.
“Hello?” his voice sounds tired.
“Ryan?” I sound squeaky with panic.
“Lili, yeah,” I hear shuffling, “hey.”
Biting my lip, I squeeze my eyes shut. “Ryan, what’s going on? Where are you? I’ve tried for days, why haven’t you picked up or called me back?”
The silence is heavy and so long.
Finally his breath heaves over the line. “I’m sorry, Lili, I’m just… I’ve been busy. I have a fight scheduled. I’m going to be the mainliner.”
He’s talking, but I can tell his heart’s not in it. After ten minutes of awkward dialogue, I finally make up some bogus excuse to get off because if I don’t, he’ll hear my tears. We’re going through the motions now, he knows it, I know it, and I don’t know how to stop this.