She quickly tried to think of something
else to say so Alyssa wouldn’t walk away. “I’m not so happy with my family
either.”
“Families can really blow, big time.”
“Yeah, they can really blow a lot.”
An uncomfortable silence followed. To
break it, Penny followed up with, “So, how long have you worked here?”
Alyssa laughed again. “Too long.” Looking
at her watch she announced, “I better get going. You know Reins. She has that
uncanny radar when she thinks someone is goofing off.”
Penny felt her stomach drop: she felt as
if she was being ditched. “Okay, well, see you around. Nice talking to you.”
Waves and smiles all round, and they
parted company. Suddenly Alyssa called out, “Let’s make a plan to have coffee
this week.”
A rush of surprise and pleasure coursed
through her all at once. “Anytime this week works fine with me.”
Halfway down the corridor, Alyssa yelled
out, “Thursday at break, say one-thirty?”
Everyone passing in the hallway must have
heard Alyssa’s invitation, and they turned to look at Penny. She felt as if she
were back in high school, and the sense of pride felt like the warmth of the
sun’s light after a storm. Yeah, that’s right, the popular girl likes me so you
should too, she thought. She knew her over-the-top happy reaction was juvenile
but she didn’t care. Invitations felt really good. She yelled back louder than
necessary, “Sure, see you then Alyssa.”
“Make friends on your own time Marins,”
Reins remarked as she breezed past. “Mrs Somers in room 106 needs you to assist
her into the shower.”
“I’m on it,” she responded cheerfully.
She wondered if she glimpsed the beginnings of a smile on nurse Reins face, but
she couldn’t be sure.
She halted midway into room 106. Her
patient was sitting in bed, looking down the front of her nightgown at her
breasts. She looked up to find Penny backing out of the room to give her some
privacy. Mrs Somers snorted and waved her in.
“Come on in, there’s nothing to be
frightened of, I was just peering down at my boobs and I have to say, I am
amazed at how they’re just about to touch my belly button.” She looked up with
a surprised expression. “How the hell did this happen? When did my once
beautiful breasts go down the damn tubes?”
Tearing off the bed covers, Mrs Somers
slowly maneuvered her legs off the side of the bed. The pain was etched clearly
on her face as she attempted to complete this task. “I’m not complaining, but
everything on my body is falling apart so quickly that I haven’t had time to
get used to it all. And God, I’m only fifty-nine. Let’s face it honey, having
cancer speeds up the ageing process, but thank God the doctors are giving me a
good prognosis.”
Walking purposely toward her patient,
Penny said with conviction, “We’re our own worst enemy, and believe me no-one
knows that better than me. We always see our own flaws inside and out, but it
seems to me that no-one else notices what we fixate on.” Penny almost added
‘except my mother’ but restrained herself.
She helped Mrs Somers up off the bed, and
led her to the bathroom. Penny could see the agony she experienced with every
step. She held her as gently as she could, well aware that the cancer had
knocked the hell out of her.
Helping Mrs Somers off with her
nightgown, she spotted the look of shame before her patient quickly looked down
at the tile floor. “I’m a mess,” she said quietly.
Penny blurted out, “What I was expecting
with the way you carried on, you should see me without my support hose and lift
up bra. I think you look great.”
“Mm. I’ve had four children, all C
sections.”
“Four kids? Get out. You have got to be
kidding me.”
“They were well worth every stretch mark,
sagging skin,” Mrs Somers announced proudly. “And they are so worth the fight
to get well again. They can’t lose me, not yet. I still have more work ahead of
me.”
Steering Mrs Somers into the warm shower,
Penny thought that indeed Mrs Somers did look wonderful, despite her cancer,
despite carrying four babies to term, and most of all despite the cuts and
bruises one gets along the way on life’s difficult path.
She handed Mrs Somers a washcloth; she
had such a strong impulse to hug her. She wished that Mrs Somers could see how
beautiful she was as she stood under the spray of water. If she could take a
picture of her beauty and capture it she would, but she knew it would be hard
to describe it to another. She handed Mrs Somers the soap; and before she took
it, Penny gave her hand a gentle squeeze. It was all she could think of to show
her she cared.
“Thank you,” Mrs Somers said.
“Any time,” Penny replied.
The phone rang just as she arrived home that night. She
ran to get it and almost tripped over Bob.
“Sorry baby,” she called as she lunged
for the receiver.
“Hi Pen,” her father said just as the
receiver reached her ear.
She felt a quick clench of sadness grip
her heart. She put her other hand to her chest. “Hey Dad,” she replied
tentatively. “What’s up?”
“What the hell happened yesterday?”
“You don’t mince words,” she said in
surprise.
“Mince words? Penny, I’m really disappointed
in you. You come late to the church yesterday, and then to top it off, you just
take off and don’t come to your brother’s luncheon. You didn’t even seem to
care about your nephews, who by the way, you’re supposed to be crazy about.
What is going on with you?” Ron’s voice was rising at a most alarming rate.
Penny was reeling; she had never heard
him so angry. This onslaught of words was quite unlike her father. She began
slowly. “Dad… you and I have always had a pretty good relationship in spite of
Mom. I’m trying to forgive you for not supporting me when I needed you… you’re
human, and God knows I’ve been blind to a lot of things myself,” she took a
deep breath to continue, “but I’m not blind anymore. Until your wife can treat
me with the respect I deserve, I will always walk away. I’ve finally realized
that no-one can protect me better than myself.”
“But it was an important day for the
family and you.”
“I was there and I was prepared to go to
the lunch afterwards but Mom can’t undo me any longer, Dad. I can’t afford to
be undone. Sorry, but that’s the way it is.”
“Penny… I just don’t understand what’s
happening to you.”
“Alright then, maybe you will understand
this.” Her voice rose. “I’m as wonderful as Charlene, Steve, and Louis, you so
need to know that. I really have to go. I’ll see you.” Before she realized what
she was doing, she slammed the receiver down.
She couldn’t believe she just hung up on
her Dad.
Winston and Bob were staring at her,
heads tilted quizzically. Kneeling down, she stroked both of their heads. “It’s
okay guys. I’m fine. I’ve only just totally lost my mind and I’m probably
having a nervous breakdown, but don’t worry, I promise to find someone in the
family to look after you.” She realized she was making empty promises to her pets,
because she doubted she would have a family left after this evening.
The phone rang again. She gingerly picked
up the phone and said hastily, “Look Dad, I’m sorry I hung up on—”
Her neighbor Sarah broke in, “Look if
you’re going to make some freaky confession or something, stop now, I’m not
your Dad.”
Nervous laughter. “Oh no, I was just
going to tell him something really silly.” She stopped there before she made an
even bigger fool of herself.
“Well, whatever,” Sarah bubbled. “The
reason I’m calling you is I have that blind date set up for you. You remember?
His name is James Normen and he’s looking to do it next Thursday. That is, of
course, if you’re free and that works for you.”
“Blind date?” Oh yeah; Sarah had wanted
to set her up with a guy when they had walked a few weeks ago. She was shocked
that Sarah had actually followed through.
“I hope Thursday works for you.”
Say no, that does not work for you, she
told herself, you don’t want to do this. “Sure, Thursday’s perfect.”
“Great, say around seven at Park Place? They have great fish.”
“I love fish and I would love to try Park Place. I’ll be there. What’s his name?”
“I just told you, James. James Norman,
remember?”
“Oh yes, James,” Penny repeated
nervously. “I appreciate this Sarah, I’ll see you Thursday.”
“On Thursday, me? Oh, no, I won’t be
there. It’s just going to be the two of you. Mike and I have a family engagement.
James is really looking forward to meeting you though and he’ll be calling you
later in the week to confirm.”
How can I get out of this now? she asked
herself as panic took hold. Beads of sweat began to form on her upper lip. This
night has been too much for my already frayed nerves. She gripped the phone and
asked weakly, “You’re not coming? How awkward. How will I know who he is? I
don’t know anything about him.”
Sarah laughed, “He knows you. I showed
him a picture that I had of you standing in the snow with the dogs last
Christmas. Remember?”
She thought in dismay, Oh yes, I
remember. I was in the awful bulky white coat that I wear when it snows.
“Great, I look like a big white snowball in that photo. James has guts, I will
say.”
“Oh stop that, you looked great. Good
luck and let me know how it goes. He has a great sense of humor and he makes a
good buck. What more could a girl ask for?”
“Right,” Penny said as she slowly hung up
the phone. She looked down at the floor. Bob had crapped on the living room rug
again. She could not believe she had missed seeing the big pile of shit until
now. She leaned over him. She was just about to raise her voice, but when she
looked down at his furry little face she didn’t have the heart. Instead of
scolding Bob, she sat down on the floor and took him in her lap. “No-one likes
to be yelled at do they?”
The phone rang again but she didn’t rise
to answer it. Whoever was calling abruptly hung up before the answering machine
went on. She suspected it was her father, or even worse, Dolores. A stab of
panic took hold, and she fought the acute sensation of fear.
Leaning against the wall, she thought
about her new job to comfort herself. In a way it was odd that an oncology ward
should be her “safe place”, but she realized that every day she routinely
observed courage and strength. It had galvanised her own desire to fight for
what she wanted. Her patients’ battles were much more difficult then her own.
She knew then that she would go on that
date and even if it was a disaster, so what? A drink and dinner with a stranger
would not scar her for life. If he wasn’t Mr Right, she would just move on to
something else, something better, because life was too short not to.
She cleaned up Bob’s crap. If only
someone would have thought me worthy when I first started to walk, she thought,
then I wouldn’t be wobbling all over the place now.
Walking into work the next morning, she was exhausted
and cranky. She hadn’t slept well; one dream in particular was quite dismal.
She had been transformed into a little yellow duck and had lost her place in
the line by the pond. The other ducks had ditched her and left her all alone to
quack by herself. Great, she thought to herself as she opened her locker at
Wayside. That’s a dream to feel really good about.
Alyssa Winkins slapped into the locker
room, huffing and out of breath. Penny remembered their coffee date for later
in the week. She perked up instantly and shot Alyssa a grin.
“Hey what’s up?” Alyssa said listlessly.
She wasn’t her usual perky self.
“Everything okay?” Penny asked,
concerned.
She laughed sheepishly. “I guess I can’t
hide my feelings can I? No, everything is not okay.”
“Want to talk about it over coffee? I can
meet you today too.”
She looked blank for a moment, then
smacked her forehead, “Right, coffee, I had completely forgotten about that.
Thursday, right? Yeah… I can meet you in the cafeteria today at 1:30 as well.”
“See you then,” Penny confirmed. Alyssa
was already halfway out the door.
Stepping out into the hallway to start
her day, Penny ran smack into Dr Bruck. His smile immediately sent her heart
pounding.
“In a hurry?” he asked with an amused expression.
“Yeah, um, kind of.” Smooth. She really
didn’t want this man to know how much he unnerved her.
“Not many women can look as fresh and
beautiful as you do this early in the morning. What’s your secret?” he asked,
clasping both hands in front of him. He peered down at her waiting for a reply.
She stammered, “I don’t, I don’t really
know how. I don’t feel like I look so good, and actually…” she knew she was beginning
to ramble but couldn’t help herself, “I had a couple of bad dreams last night
and I tossed and turned.”
“Sounds rough. How about you and I get
together and you can tell me all about them?”