She drew in a deep breath. “I wish it was
just one little problem Dad, but it’s been big problems for a really long time.
It makes me sad that it took you so long to be aware of them.” She played
nervously with a strand of hair. “I miss you too, but I don’t think I can come
this year.”
“I’ve always been a good father to you,
despite my mistakes,” Ron said in a voice filled with hurt.
Shaking her head back and forth slowly,
she said, “I know you love me Dad, and I know it’s a lot easier to avoid
tangling with Dolores, but once in a while, did you ever think about defending
me? Why haven’t you ever shown me that you supported anything I attempted?” She
added with a wry laugh, “Even if they were feeble attempts, I still tried. You
should have backed me at least part of the time.” She tilted her head. “But you
never did. And being with all of you lately hurts something awful.” Tears fell
down her cheeks as she searched for the right words. “All those years of
watching how well you and Mom treated Louis, and Steve, made me feel so
unimportant, like I was invisible or worthless. And guess what? I’m not.”
Shaking his head back and forth in
amazement, Ron said, “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Your Mom and I have
always wanted what was best for you. I never knew you held such contempt for
us. I told you I was sorry.”
An eruption of anger welled up inside,
and she couldn’t help the torrent of words that burst forth. “Dad, let’s face
facts, it was easier for you to turn away when Mom made me feel like I would
shrivel up like an old prune. Her intensity was something you tried to avoid at
all costs, most of all at the cost of me. I know you feel bad about it now, but
to tell you the truth, I still have to come to terms with it. I’m sorry, but
that’s how it is.”
Her father looked as if he had been
slapped. He stepped back, eyes moist, and simply stared. Penny felt her stomach
clench as if a fist was punching her from the inside. The hurt that crossed
over his face made her want to turn around and bolt.
“I had to tell you,” she said as a sob
caught in her throat. She felt her resolve wither away like a wisp of cotton.
After all these years of fermenting, her frustrations had to come out into the
air to breathe. She still had a strong urge to jump into her father’s arms and
tell him it wasn’t his fault, but something inside made her bite her tongue.
He broke the silence. “So this is what
you think of me? If anyone had ever told me that my daughter would say such
things, I wouldn’t ever have believed it.”
She looked him straight in the eye. “Yes
you would have.” Turning away from him, she walked toward her car.
Ron called out, “Maybe you should come to
Thanksgiving dinner and tell your Mother what you think of her.” He laughed
sharply and added, “That is if you have the guts.”
She whirled around and asked, “What time
is dinner?”
Now it was Ron’s turn to back off. He
turned around and briskly walked away. He ran across the street, and once again
the searing hurt and frustration came over her. She screamed out, “I’ll find
out you know, and I will be coming!” She knew she sounded foolish but she
didn’t care.
I can’t turn back now, she thought. I’ve
come too far and there can’t be a retreat. From now on, my family will have to
see me and know that I am worthy because I am worth so much more than that.
The evening of her date with James finally arrived, and
the anticipation of it was killing her. Her mind was so preoccupied that she
hurt poor Mrs Rittin when she put in the IV for her Chemotherapy session.
“Ouch, are you trying to hurt me on
purpose? Isn’t it bad enough I have to be here in the first place?” she
screeched.
Penny looked down at Mrs Rittin’s small
pinched face and felt the shame burn. “I’m so sorry, please forgive me, it’s
just that your veins are a bit hard to find and—”
“Oh, come off it nurse, my veins are as
big as landing strips. Admit it, your mind was elsewhere.”
Penny laughed our loud and soon Mrs
Rittin joined her. “I never heard of veins being described as landing strips,
but somehow it works. Well I’m all done and I really am so sorry if I hurt
you.” She still felt horrible as she put a hand on her patient’s shoulder. Mrs
Rittin had an advanced stage of ovarian cancer and her prognosis was not good.
She had gotten very sick from her last bout of chemo. She had to stay in the
hospital for a few days’ observation and further tests. Penny wished they would
just leave her alone and let her have some peace, but that was not meant to be.
“Can I get you anything else?” Penny
asked as she arranged the pillows behind her head.
“Yeah, how about a life, I’m dying you
know.”
She stopped fluffing the pillows and
thought, what should I say to that? She knew Mrs Rittin wouldn’t appreciate a
flip response. She settled on: “I don’t think there’s anything tougher to deal
with than that.”
Mrs Rittin began to fold and refold the
blanket that covered her. “I appreciate the fact that you didn’t bullshit me
and tell me that I’m being silly. I also love when people tell me I’m not God
and I don’t know that I’m dying for sure. I can’t stand it when people try to
give me hope when I know there isn’t any.”
“You don’t look like the game playing
type.”
Mrs Rittin nodded vigorously. “That’s
right. I told them give it to me straight and the doctors did. I have tops, six
months left on this good old Earth.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m not afraid to die you know. Everyone
has to go, even you,” she laughed. “For some strange reason that comforts me,
knowing everyone has to share in this someday.” She pointed a finger at Penny
and stressed, “Knowing I share dying with everyone else makes me less afraid,
less lonely with it all somehow.”
“I understand,” Penny said, and she genuinely
did.
Mrs Rittin continued, “The only crappy
part is watching how hard it is on the people I care about. I look at my
family’s faces and I see their anguish. That’s killing me as much as the
cancer, I have to tell you. I wish I didn’t have to put them through this. My
husband will be lost without me, poor thing. We do everything together.”
Gently, she put her hand on Penny’s arm.
“I know it’s an old cliché but I’m going to say it anyway. When your time comes
to leave this earth, your world gets smaller and so many parts of life that you
thought were so important no longer hold your interest. Your thoughts are only
with the people that matter to you. That’s all there is, that’s it.” She
snapped her fingers and settled back down in her chair.
“Mrs Rittin, thank-you for reminding me
of that. No-one needed to hear that more than me.” Penny was seized by a deep
feeling of sadness.
Okay, so she wanted to weave a life with
a much richer tapestry, painstakingly sewn with intricate threads of people to
love and care for. It was always about that. As she went into the locker room
to get her coat, she thought: And that’s why I have alienated pretty much
everyone in my life. I’m just doing great, moving along. When I go, probably
no-one will care.
She drove home in deep thought, and prepared for her
date. She took great care with her make-up, and slipped on her new brown
corduroys and light blue v neck cashmere sweater. She had also purchased a lacy
camisole to go under it, and it made Penny feel sexy when she observed the way
it peeked out of the sweater. She struggled into her new cowboy boots, and
added a spray of perfume and the big gold hoops Theo had given her last
Christmas. She checked out her butt in her new pants and decided that it didn’t
look that flat at all. I feel really good, she thought, finally satisfied to
venture out. She felt a growing excitement: she hadn’t taken such care getting
dressed up in a long time.
Driving toward the restaurant, she gave a
low whistle. James sure had nice taste in food establishments. Not bad, she
thought as she took in the valet parking and the charming wraparound porch that
circled a beautiful, massive Victorian home. A burst of colorful mums had been
arranged all around the circular porch. Along the sides of the massive
staircase, positioned in the middle of the restaurant, were green cabbages in
white cement planters with little cherubs carved into them. She smoothed down
her hair and pressed her lips together so they wouldn’t appear too glossy.
Satisfied with the results, she slipped out of the car to meet her date.
James was waiting for her by the bar
holding a Martini in his hand. His dark suit was seriously sharp, and it worked
well with the purple silk tie. He had told her he would be wearing purple, but
she’d assumed the purple would be on a shirt or a sweater, not on a dressy silk
tie coupled with a fancy suit. Her eyes hadn’t adjusted to the darkness, but
she could make out that all the waiters wore tuxedos. She felt a wave of panic
set in: she wasn’t dressed appropriately for the evening. Quickly scanning the
room, she saw women in black evening dresses and pearls, paired off with men in
navy or black suits.
Why didn’t he tell me it was so dressy?
she asked herself as she watched James quickly approach her. He had stood up
from the bar stool the moment she arrived. As he came closer, Penny noticed how
handsome and polished he was.
He stood before her with a huge grin.
Wow, he was tall. And those were some broad shoulders. His large brown eyes slanted
slightly up, giving him an exotic look. The dimple on the left side of his face
made him all the more appealing; his smile said sexy but the dimple gave him a
boyish appeal.
“Hello Penny,” he said in a deep husky
voice as his eyes quickly assessed her. “So, we finally meet. You look so much
better in person.”
“You don’t look half bad yourself.”
He stepped in behind her and removed her
jacket. “I’m glad you’re not too disappointed. And you smell good too.”
Turning around to look up at his face,
she felt warm from the compliment. “Thanks! It’s Shalimar, I’ve been wearing it
for years.”
“My Mom wears Shalimar,” James replied
with a cheeky smirk.
The warmth turned into a flush of
embarrassment. “Oh, well, I think your Mom has good taste…” Her voice trailed
off.
He let her off the hook with a laugh, “Of
course she does, that’s where I get it from.”
Watching a woman stroll by in a mink
wrap, Penny stammered, “I’m not nearly dressed up enough. I didn’t know.”
“Are you kidding? You look perfect.” He
handed Penny’s jacket to the coat attendant, took her elbow and gently steered
her toward the bar. “What are you drinking? The hostess told me it would be
about fifteen minutes before they seat us. I asked for a table beside the
fireplace.”
Perching on the barstool, she replied,
“Sounds worth the wait. I’ll have a gin and tonic.”
James continued to stand as he ordered.
An awkward silence followed, which he promptly filled, “So, let’s get to know
one another. What do you like to do in your spare time, any hobbies?”
Penny blanked for a second, as she didn’t
have an answer. She didn’t have a hobby, or a passion that she could think of
other than trying to get a life. She quickly thought of Bob and Winston. “I
like to take my dog for long walks and hang out with my cat Bob. I love animals
and if I had a bigger place I would have a little zoo living with me.”
Laughing, James replied, “So we have an
animal lover in our midst. I can’t say I share your enthusiasm for them.”
She shrugged; she felt deflated by James’
remark. She asked tentatively, “Did you have any pets growing up?”
“Me? God no, not even a turtle. My
parents always said they had no interest in animals. They’d say they slobber,
smell, and need all sorts of annoying attention. Just a huge nuisance they
said. I must have agreed with them because I never asked for a cat or dog
growing up.”
“That’s unusual for a boy,” she said
carefully. She was beginning to feel uneasy.
“I even came to despise going over my
best friend Owen’s house. I stopped going there because I detested his big,
slobbering, smelly, hairy mutt jumping on me every time I walked in.” He
shivered at the memory. “The damn hair, it would take my mother days to get it
off my clothes.” He emitted a jarring laugh. “Then I’d have to hear her bitch
about it.” James laughed at the memory. “After a while she wouldn’t even let me
go over there anymore anyway, not that I minded.”
Her sinking feeling had now sunk so low
that she had a strong urge to stand up and leave the restaurant. She knew, in
that instant, James was not the one for her. She knew it was a snap assessment
and she should give him more shots, but the guy’s harsh laugh told her
otherwise.
I’m trapped, she thought with rising
panic, I’m stuck here with him for the duration of the night.
She looked at her watch, smiled at him
and said, “Okay, strike one, so tell me about some of your interests.”
Before James could respond, the woman at
the front desk approached and informed them that their table was ready. James
canceled Penny’s G&T, much to her chagrin.
The dining room was as impressive as she
had suspected it would be. A crystal chandelier glistened in the center of the
room and gorgeous oil paintings of various landscapes draped the dark cranberry
walls. She sat opposite James, feeling uncomfortable. She wished she were
anywhere other than here. From the substantial stone fireplace next to her, the
roaring fire warmed her almost to roasting point, but her heart felt cold and
empty. This date was a mistake. The people dining here appeared elegant and cocksure,
and that made her feel all the more out of place in her simple outfit.