After the Sky Fell Down (24 page)

“Are you guys ready to go?” Lacey asked breaking the awkwardness Kathryn was feeling.

“Yeah.  I just need to go get my purse,” she said standing up and walking down the hallway. 

Luke’s words from earlier began to resonate in her mind as she walked into her room and she wondered what she was doing.  She didn’t want to go out with Trevor, or anyone else for that matter, but she told Lacey she would try and she was going to follow through with it.  But, when she reached over and grabbed her purse on the bed, she saw the picture of Ben staring at her from the nightstand and she couldn’t push aside the feelings that she was about to cheat on him.  She breathed in deeply as she sat down and put her head in her hands. 

“Hey, are you coming?” a voice interrupted her thoughts and she looked up to see Lacey standing in the doorway. 

“Yeah…yeah I’m coming,” Kathryn said wiping her eyes and standing up, her purse clutched under her arm.

“Are you going to be okay?” Lacey asked as if she suddenly realized how difficult a step this was for Kathryn.

“I think so.  It’s just strange going out…without him,” Kathryn said, her eyes drifting over to the picture on the nightstand.

“We don’t have to do this.”

“It’s fine, let’s just go,” Kathryn said, but was stopped before she could leave the room.  Lacey gentl
y touched her arm and looked at her.

“Before we go,” Lacey hesitated and then her eyes slowly glanced down, resting on her left hand.

“What?”

“Um, do you think maybe you should take off your ring?” Lacey’s voice was quiet and nervous and Kathryn felt her stomach turn.  She never took off the ring, not since Ben’s funeral when she’d thrown it down in anger and Luke had put it back on.  The ring was always there, reminding her of his promises, even though it had been almost two years. “Trevor doesn’t know anything about you and Ben or Sarah.  I mean…if you want to tell him he won’t question the ring, but if you don’t…I mean…you could put it right back on when we get home,” she said as her voice faded off.

Kathryn stared down at it and knew Lacey was right.  She felt a lump forming in her throat as she reached over with her right hand and slid the ring off.  Her finger felt lighter, like it was naked.  She walked slowly over to her dresser and carefully placed it inside her jewelry box.  The lid seemed to echo loudly through the room when she shut it and the lump in her throat grew more painful.  She swallowed hard, forcing it down and she quickly wiped away the tears that were forming in her eyes and then turned to face Lacey.

“Are you going to be okay?”

Kathryn nodded quickly and brushed past Lacey to meet Trevor and Ian in the living room.

“Everything alright?” Trevor asked looking between Lacey and Kathryn.

“Everything’s fine.  Everyone ready?” Kathryn asked as she walked out the door.

A few moments later, she was following the
group to a small black sedan. Ian got in the driver’s seat and Lacey joined him in the front seat, leaving Kathryn and Trevor with the back.  She waited for Trevor to get the door for her, like Ben always had, but when she realized he wasn’t going to, she opened the door herself and crawled into the cramped backseat.  Once everyone was settled, Ian began driving towards the bowling alley.  Lacey and Ian were engaged in their own conversation, laughing and joking about their anatomy class, leaving Kathryn and Trevor in the awkwardness of the backseat. 

“Are you from around here?” he asked breaking the silence.

“About a half an hour away from here in Westerly.”

“
Nice.  I’m from Woonsocket.”

“Yeah, I’ve been there,” she answered trying to sound interested, even though she wasn’t. 

“How many more years do you have?”

“Two more.  What about you?”

“I’m a sophomore too.  What’s your major?”

“Communications.  You?”

“History.”

“Are you going to be a teacher or something?” she asked.

“Who knows?  My parents said I needed to pick a major, so I did,” he laughed, but Kathryn didn’t think it was funny.

“Do you at least like history?”

“Yeah, of course I do.  It’s a pretty easy major too.”

“But you don’t know what you want to do with it?” she asked skeptically.

“I’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Yeah, you’ve got time,” she said, even though she couldn’t help but compare him to Ben.  She knew Trevor’s thoughts were normal.  Most college kids didn’t really know what they wanted out of life, but Ben had been different.  He’d known exactly what he wanted to do and he was going to do it…until he died.

Kathryn turned away from Trevor and stared at the back of the passenger seat.  Trevor seemed nice enough, but she couldn’t stop comparing him to Ben and she wondered if that would ever change. 

****

The bowling alley was crowded and loud, which Kathryn was grateful for.  The volume made it nearly impossible to talk.  She got up and bowled her turn and even cheered half-heartedly when someone bowled a strike, even though all she wanted to do was go home.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Trevor said sitting down next to her between turns.

“Yeah, it’s kind of hard to talk in here,” she said over the noise.

“I was thinking about getting a drink.  Do you want something?”

“Uh…sure.  I’ll take a Coke.”

“Okay.  Be right back.”

Kathryn watched as he walked up the steps to the snack bar and then she turned her head back when she felt someone beside her.  Lacey was sitting next to her, staring at her.

“So, what do you think of Trevor?”

“He’s nice.”

“Oh that’s convincing,” she said sarcastically.

“I’m trying
, Lacey.”

“Well, try a little harder,” she sighed and then nudged Kathryn. “Try and have fun.”

“I will.  Now, I have to go bowl,” she said standing up and walking to the lane.

When her turn was over, she went and sat down next to Lacey and Trevor who handed her the Coke he’d bought.

“Thanks,” she said taking a sip.

“I hope it’s good because it was an ordeal just getting it,” he said rolling his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I asked for two Cokes and when I tasted mine, it was a diet.  I checked yours just to make sure and yeah…they were both diet.  I told the guy I asked for two regular Cokes and he looked at me like I was nuts or something.  I had to repeat it like three times.  I swear the dude was brain dead or something.”

Kathryn felt herself freeze. 
I swear the dude was brain dead or something
.  His words stung her heart and her mind raced back to that night in the hospital when she had learned that Ben was, in fact, brain dead…a horrible fate that Trevor joked so lightly about.  Her eyes found Lacey’s, which were staring wide at her when the words registered with her as well.  Kathryn’s eyes became blurry with tears and she stood up saying “Excuse me,” softly and walked away.  She sat down on a bench outside as the images of Ben’s last night on Earth burned in her mind.  She tried pushing them away, but they wouldn’t leave.  He had looked so peaceful, so calm, and then he was gone.  One minute he’d been young and alive and in love with her, and the next minute his body had betrayed him and changed everything, leaving her to try and live a life without him, which she was not prepared to do. 

“Kathryn?” Trevor’s voice asked gently causing her to look up. She used her sleeve to dry her eyes and he sat down beside her. “Lacey told me and I’m really sorry…about what I said.  I didn’t know.”

“I know you didn’t.”

“If I’d have known, I wouldn’t have said that.”

“I know.  It’s alright,” she said quietly. 

“Are you okay?” he asked and as she looked up at him, she could tell he did feel badly.  He hadn’t meant to be insensitive.  He had made a comment in jest, not knowing just how hurtful it was, but he hadn’t done it intentionally. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied.

“Do you wanna go back inside…or…?” Trevor stuttered, not quite knowing what to say to this virtual stranger who looked like she might fall apart if he said one more word.

“I’m just going to stay out here for a little while.  I’ll be back in a bit,” she told him.  Trevor nodded and left her alone…alone like she’d been for the last two years and if tonight was any indication, alone like she would probably be for the rest of her life.

“Hey,” Lacey said and Kathryn looked up to see her friend standing above her.

“Hey.”

“Mind if I join you?”

“Be my guest,” Kathryn said as Lacey sat down next to her.

“I’m really sorry for what Trevor said.”

“It’s not his fault.  He didn’t know.  I’m just overly sensitive.”

“I’m still sorry.  I pushed you to come out tonight and I shouldn’t have.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, although she did wish she had listened to her gut and insisted to Lacey she wasn’t ready.

“Do you want to go home?”

“Let’s finish the game and then go.”

“Are you sure?” Kathryn nodded and then Lacey smiled supportively and took Kathryn’s hand and pulled her up.  She linked arms with her friend and then rested her head on Kathryn’s shoulder.  “It’s going to be alright,” she said and all Kathryn could do was hope her friend was right.

****

The rest of the night had been awkward.  No one needed to say it, but everyone knew Kathryn would probably not be seeing Trevor again. She’d finished the game and even managed to laugh a little, but when she saw Trevor and Ian driving away after dropping her and Lacey off at the apartment, she felt relief. 

“I’m sorry tonight was a bust,” Lacey said as they stood at the door.

“Yeah, me too.  I’m sure Trevor was really impressed by my unstable craziness,” Ka
thryn joked.

“He didn’t think that.”

“Stop trying to be nice.  He thinks I belong in an institution.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Oh yeah?  Let me know what he says about me at your next class,” Kathryn laughed as she began unlocking the door.

“Do you want me to come in and hang out? It’s pretty early after all.”

“Nah, that’s okay.  I think I’m just going to go to bed.”

“Alright.  I’ll talk to you later then,” Lacey said reaching over and gently touching Kathryn’s arm.

“Good night Lacey,” she said smiling over to her friend. “Thanks for trying.”

Lacey just smiled, but didn’t say anything and Kathryn could tell Lacey was regre
tful over how the night had turned out.  She walked away and Kathryn watched until Lacey was gone and then she opened the door and walked inside. 

Luke was sitting on the couch playing Xbox.  He seemed pretty involved, so Kathryn just waved to him and walked to Sarah’s room.  She was sound asleep in her crib.  She bent down and kissed her head.  She smelled of lavender and Kathryn knew Luke had given her a bath
before putting her to bed.  She glanced up to the picture of Ben above Sarah’s crib and wondered what he was doing.  Had he seen her with Trevor tonight?  What had he thought? 

She kissed Sarah once more and then walked to her room and kicked off her shoes.  She slipped out of her jeans and sweater and into a pair of gray sweatpants and an old blue hoodie.  She pulled her hair up
into a loose ponytail.  And then her eyes found the jewelry box and she walked over to it slowly.  She lifted the lid and stared at the beautiful diamond.  She picked it up and turned it over and over in her hand.  She went to slide it back on her finger, but then stopped and returned it to the jewelry box.  She’d worn it every day since the night he proposed, but maybe she should leave it off now.  She felt the lump form again in her throat and she gently shut the lid and then there was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” she said and
the door swung open.

“You’re home early,” Luke’s voice said from the doorway.  She smiled as she realized Luke would assume the date would’ve lasted longer than nine-thirty.  “How’d it go?”

“No comment,” she said sitting down on the bed. 

“
That’s not a good sign,” he said chuckling lightly. “Want some company?”

Kathryn stopped and thought for a minute and realized she didn’t want to be alone.  She hadn’t wanted to be with Lacey or Trevor, but she did want to be with Luke.

She nodded.

“So…that bad, huh?” he asked joining her on the bed.

“Yeah, that bad,” she laughed.

“What happened?”
“It was such a mess.  I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him.  I had to prove to Lacey that I could do it though and it was…terrible,” she groaned.

“Was he a jackass or something?”

“No, not intentionally.”

“But he was a jackass?”

“He made a jackass remark,” Kathryn corrected thinking back to that moment.