After the Sky Fell Down (22 page)

“Nice to meet you, Kathryn.”

“You too,” she said.

“So, what brings you out here tonight?”

“My friend. She claimed I needed a night out.  I think I needed a night in,” she laughed.

“I know the feeling.  My friends dragged me out as their designated driver.  So here I am.  While they get drunk, I get to watch.”

“Sounds like you got the raw end of the deal.”

“Maybe not.  I’m talking to you, aren’t I?” he said flashing a smile that caused her to blush and look away. 

“Like I said, the raw end of the deal,” she said nervously and then suddenly felt the urge to get back to the comfort and safety of her apartment.  “It was good talking to you, but I need to get going.”

“Oh…okay,” he said, but she couldn’t help but notice he seemed surprised by her quick departure.

She stood up to leave and looked down at him.

“It was nice to meet you, Jace.”

“You too, Kathryn.”

He smiled at her again and then she returned to the crowd to find Lacey. 

She scoured the large group for her roommate, but all Kathryn saw was a sea of faces.  She took out her phone and texted Lacey, hoping that would get her attention. She stood anxiously waiting for her to reply and she felt herself becoming more and more annoyed as the minutes ticked by without a response.  Finally though, Lacey texted back and Kathryn found her.

“I really need to get out of here.”

“We haven’t even been here an hour,” Lacey complained.

“I know.  I’m really sorry, but I just need to go home.”

“You haven’t even given it a chance.”

“I did give it a chance and all I experienced was some creep hitting on me.”

“That’s not true.  I saw you with that guy, the one with the dark hair, and you looked like you were having a good time.”

“Well, I wasn’t.  Can you just take me home please?  I don’t care if you just drop me off and come back.  I just really want to go home.  I shouldn’t have come,” Kathryn begged, staring Lacey in the eye, pleading with her.

“No.”

“What do you mean 
no?” she gasped.

“I mean no.  I won’t take you home,” Lacey said adamantly. “I’m not going to have you ruin my night.  If you want to go home you can walk,” she said turning away from her friend.

“Lacey, I didn’t even want to come!  You knew I didn’t want to come, but you never stop hounding me and I finally gave in, but I want to go home!” Kathryn protested.

“I’m having fun and I’m not leaving and I don’t think you should either,” Lacey said turning around just long enough to show Kathryn she was serious.

She stood in shock staring at the back of Lacey’s head, who was already reengaged with what she’d been doing.  Kathryn felt her eyes begin to fill with tears and she stomped away in frustration.  Her vision was blurred by the tears, and she tried to wipe them away as she began the long walk home.  She was grateful for the full moon, which made it easier for her to see her way.  She still couldn’t believe Lacey had abandoned her like this, but as she thought it about, she honestly couldn’t blame Lacey for her reaction.  Kathryn knew she hadn’t been the easiest to be around since Ben died.  She was still upset though and walked quickly trying to keep her mind on happy thoughts as she began to get scared from being alone in the dark.

She hadn’t been walking long when she saw headlights glowing and
heard a car’s engine slowing from behind her.  She stopped and turned to see Lacey’s Jeep beside her.  Lacey rolled down the window and looked at her friend.

“Get in,” Lacey said.

Kathryn wanted to yell at Lacey for leaving her to walk home, but instead she walked around to the passenger side and got in.  The two girls didn’t say a word to each other on the ride home.

“Thank you,” Kathryn said curtly as Lacey pulled to a stop in front of Kathryn’s apartment building.

“Sure.  Have fun,” Lacey replied sarcastically.

Kathryn got out and Lacey sped away. Once inside the apartment, she locked the door behind her and felt her eyes beginning to fill with tears again.  She leaned her back against the door as she began to sob and slid down until she had buried her head into the darkness of her bent knees, wanting to block the whole night out. 

She knew she had to get herself together though before Luke got home, whenever that might be.  She didn’t want him to see her like this.  She didn’t want to have to explain herself.  She just wanted to be alone with her grief.

****

She tossed and turned that night.  Every time she thought she might drift off, a pain would surge through her heart, jolting her wide awake.  Tonight had been too much and she ached to hold Sarah.  She leaned over and flicked on the radio on her alarm clock, trying to drown out the thoughts that were invading her mind.  A song she didn’t know pumped through the speakers.  It had a soft beat, which sounded like sadness and a man’s voice began to sing, gently and comforting:

In the whisper on the wind, on the smile of a new friend,  I’ll be there…Don’t be afraid, oh my love, I’ll be watching you from above, and I’d give all the world tonight to be with you, because I’m on your side and I still care…I may have died, but I’ve gone nowhere… just think of me and I’ll be there
…

As the words sunk in, she felt overwhelmed with the message.  It was as if Ben was speaking directly to her through the music when she needed him most.  She had never been an overly
religious person, but since Ben’s death, she had always felt he’d never truly left her, even when she felt alone.  There were always little signs and feelings she would get, and as she lay in bed, listening to the words, she knew he was talking to her and she curled herself into a ball, hugging the comforter tightly to her chin.  She began to cry again…
On the edge of a waking dream, over rivers over streams, through wind and rain I’ll be there, across the wide and open sky, thousands of miles I fly to be with you, I’ll be there…
The song continued to pulsate through her…
In the breath of the wind that sighs, there’s no need to cry, just think of me and I’ll be there…
She felt a peace wash over her and the familiar warmth encircled her.  She closed her eyes and felt Ben’s arms wrap around her.  It felt just like she had remembered, warm and safe and loving.  She thought maybe she had died too and was finally with him again and with that feeling, she finally found the peace she was searching for.

****

The woods were unfamiliar and dark, the moonlight casting silver shadows on the rocky ground.  It was eerily silent, but she wasn’t afraid.  She knew he would be coming soon.  There was a rustling in the trees and she stopped and looked around.  She knew he was coming, but where was he?  “Ben?” she called out and then she heard footsteps behind her.  She spun around and saw his figure stepping out of the trees and she felt her body lunge forward wanting to run to him.  She expected to feel a force stopping her, but it didn’t and she ran towards him as fast as she could.  She wrapped her arms around him and he enveloped her with his.  He didn’t speak, and they held each other quietly.  He stroked her hair and she buried her face in his chest as he placed his palm on her stomach and said, “You are enough” before vanishing. 

And with those words, she bolted awake, her body covered in sweat, although the room was cold.  She sat straight up in bed thinking back to the dream.  It had all seemed so real.  She could still feel Ben’s arms around
her and the words he’d said filled her with peace.  She’d wondered if she could be enough for their daughter and Ben had assured her she was. 

She woke up early the next day to get Sarah.  The emotions of the night made her want her daughter.  The Bradley’s weren’t expecting her till the following day though and Kathryn could see the disappointment on Sharon’s face.  They’d planned to go the aquarium and as her eyes traveled back and forth from her daughter to Ben’s mother, she knew she couldn’t hurt Sharon that way.  She hugged Sarah tightly and covered her faces with kisses.

“I’ll be back tomorrow baby.  You have fun with Grammie and Papa today,” she said to her.  Sarah just smiled that smile that had melted her heart from the moment she’d laid eyes on her and toddled back to Sharon.

Kathryn fought back tears during the drive home.  Sometimes she hated sharing Sarah like this.  She knew if Ben was still around Sharon wouldn’t feel the overwhelming need to spend so much time with Sarah, but Ben wasn’t around and Sarah was the only piece of Ben she had left.  Being a mother now, Kathryn could appreciate Sharon’s situation in a way she couldn’t when Ben first died.  She couldn’t imagine her life without Sarah.  She shuddered to think of anything ever happening to her baby, but Sharon had lived the nightmare.  Her baby had been taken from her and if sharing Sarah gave Sharon some solace, then that’s what needed to be done.             

So, instead of spending the day with her daughter, she was now browsing the internet for resources for her research paper she’d neglected the night before while Luke slept soundly in his room.  She had no idea what time he’d gotten home, but she knew it must’ve been late.  He had a tendency to do that when Sarah was gone.  He was always home early though when she was home to help out. 

Just as she was scribbling down some notes from a website, there was a knock on the door and she went and answered it, surprised to see Lacey standing there, a somber expression plastered on her face.

“Hey,” she began.

“Hey,” Kathryn said, unsure where they stood.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Lacey began a
nd Kathryn looked at her friend who had apologies all over her face. “Can I come in?”

Kathryn nodded and Lacey walked inside.  They sat down on the couch staring at each other.
             

“I’m really sorry Kathryn,” Lacey said again.

“How could you leave me to walk home last night?” Kathryn finally asked, trying to keep her voice calm.

“I said I’m sorry about that,” Lacey replied.

“Why’d you do it then?”

“I don’t know.”

“You have to know why you did it, so why’d you do it?” Kathryn asked again and then Lacey breathed in deeply before responding.

“You want to know why I did it?”

“Yes, I do.”

“I did it because I’m tired of seeing you sitting around like a bump on a log.  You never do anything.  It’s been almost two years and nothing’s changed.  It’s like you’ve been on pause.  I’ve tried to be understanding because I have no clue about the pain you’re in, but I don’t know what else to do with you.  You just exist and that’s no way to live.  Maybe I overreacted by telling you to walk home, but I didn’t know what else to do to try and get through to you.”

Kathryn didn’t know what to say.  She sat staring at her friend, trying to absorb what she’d just said.  Lacey had always been laid back, always going with the flow, traits Kathryn loved about her.  She rarely let things get to her, but Kathryn was obviously getting to her now.

Then Lacey looked at her friend and shook her head, regretting what she’d said and did.

“I’m sorry.  Just forget I said anything,” Lacey apologized.

“Don’t be sorry.  You’re right.  It’s been almost two years.  I should be over it by now.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?  What do you want me to do?” Kathryn asked raising her voice and Lacey paused for a moment thinking about how she would answer that question.

“I want you to go out and at least try to live.”

“Okay.  How do you propose I do that?” Kathryn asked sarcastically.

“Go out with someone.”

“
What
?” she asked in disbelief. “Are you serious?  You can’t be serious.”

“I’m just asking you to give it a try.”

“Give what a try?  Dating?  Yeah, because that’s going to be so easy.  Are you forgetting about Sarah?”

“Of course I’m not forgetting about Sarah, but she’d want you to be happy too and I’m not asking you to jump into a relationship with someone. I just want you to get out.  There’s this guy in my anatomy class that I think you’d have fun with.  I know he’s no Ben, but I think it’d do you some good.”

“Fine!  Set it up and I’ll go,” Kathryn snapped back at Lacey just to shut her up.

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad,” Kathryn said through gritted teeth. “You said what you needed to say.”

“I just think it might do you some good to get out.”

“I said I would go, now just drop it.”

She calmly stood up and turned off the TV and began walking to her room, not caring if Lacey stayed or went.  Kathryn closed her bedroom door behind her at the same time she heard the front door closing behind Lacey.  She knew every word her friend said was true, Kathryn just had no idea how to change who she had become, or if she even wanted to.

Chapter 23

Kathryn couldn’t stop thinking about the confrontation she’d had with Lacey.  Hearing Lacey’s words had hurt, but she knew they were true.  She didn’t know what was normal or not when it came to grief, but she doubted it was normal to feel as crippled by Ben’s loss almost two years later as she was the day he had died.  Nothing had seemed to change though.  Like Lacey had said, she’d been on pause since Ben’s death.Every morning she woke up with the hope that today would be the day Ben came back, but as soon as she let the hope enter her, it was crushed and it was like he had died all over again.  She tried to hide it from her family, but deep down she knew she wasn’t doing a very good job of it.  They knew she wasn’t okay.