After the Sky Fell Down (20 page)

A wave of comfort washed over her as she felt the warmth next to her.  Luke laid down beside her, his body molding to hers, her face burying in his chest as she felt a familiar set of arms wrap around her.  She hadn’t cried like this is in so long.  Every day she missed Ben, but she kept it pent up, going through the motions of her new reality, trying to take care of Sarah, realizing how much she needed Ben’s help and it was all just a horrible reminder of what she had lost and what she would never have again. 

“You’re going to be okay,” Luke said gently as she continued to soak his shirt just as she had at Ben’s funeral.  He was here for her again and she clung tightly to her friend.

“No, I’m not.  I’ll never be enough for Sarah.  I’ll never give her what she needs without him.”

“Don’t say that,” he insisted. “You are a great mother.  Sarah loves you and it’ll be okay.  I know it will,” Luke said and something in his voice made her believe him.

“I want to believe it will be,” she said, quietly sobbing now, starting to calm down.

“Believe it,” Luke whispered, his breath brushing warmly on her cheek.

“I love Sarah, I do.  I love her so much, but sometimes I just feel dead inside since he died.  I feel nothing and I want to feel again.  I want to feel something again.”

The emptiness inside was consuming her and she suddenly felt the warmth of his lips on hers, soft, sweet, and loving.  They were familiar and the tenderness caused her to shudder.  She hadn’t felt it in almost a year.  She knew she should pull away, but she didn’t want to.  She was feeling again.  That’s all she wanted.  As his lips lingered on hers, it was as if blood was flowing through her veins again.  She moved closer to him, wanting to feel every bit of him against her body.  Feeling him beside her reminded her she was alive. 

His hand rested on her hips and goose
bumps shot up her sides.  She began kissing him harder, trying to get as much of him as she could.  He responded eagerly and gently freed her hair from the elastic, brushing his fingers lightly through it until it spilled across the pillow.  She didn’t even remember it was mess.  All she could concentrate on was the reawakening of the feelings that had been dormant since Ben died.

She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her, kissing his lips again, trying to forget the pain and loneliness.  He returned her kisses hungrily as their breathing grew hard and labored, as if they were trying to consume each other.  She thought her head might explode when he suddenly stopped and pulled away.  She frantically opened her eyes, meeting his familiar hazel gaze.  Kathryn had forgotten how beautiful they were and as they stared down at her, they were almost surreal.  She hadn’t seen those eyes in so long.  She was looking at Ben and her body swelled with excitement, knowing they could be together again.

“Kathryn,” a voice called out softly, but it wasn’t Ben’s voice, even though it was coming from the face above her that looked so much like his.  It was deeper and raspier and she shook her head, clearing it of all her delusions.  It wasn’t Ben’s voice, but the voice of his brother.  Neither the eyes nor the voice belonged to Ben.  They belonged to Luke, but Kathryn realized she didn’t care.  She wanted both of them. 

“Kathryn,” he said again.

“What?” she whispered back, searching his face for the reason he’d stopped.

“I’m sorry.  We shouldn’t…I shouldn’t have…we should stop,” he stammered.

“No,” she said sternly, boring her eyes into his. “Don’t stop.  Please don’t stop,” she pleaded as the words flowed out of her mouth in a steady, quick motion like a freight train and she didn’t have time to think about what she was saying. “Please, don’t stop.”

Her voice was barely above a whisper, and as the tears fell down her cheeks, he kissed them away, granting her request. 

Chapter 20

Her eyes darted open and flickered around the room.  She was disoriented for a moment as she adjusted to the dark and then she felt him next to her and she froze.  Her arm was still draped across his bare chest and he was sleeping soundly as he breathed in deeply, his chest rising and falling.  His skin was warm and balmy.  The sheet was barely covering his lower half and then she realized it wasn’t covering her at all.  She quickly grabbed the sheet and pulled it to her chest.  Her breath began to quicken as she realized what they’d done.  She moved her arm off his chest and pulled the sheet even tighter.  She could barely see his silhouette in the moonlight shining in through the window, but there was just enough light to emphasize how handsome he was.  The thick tawny hair, even sloped nose, full, smooth lips and strong jaw, so striking…so much like Ben. 

She watched him as he slept, part of her wanting to get up and run away from what they’d done and the other part wanting to stay with him, unable to pull away.  She didn’t want to be away from him.  She hadn’t wanted to be away from him for so long.  He was her best friend.  He was the closest thing Sarah had to a father.  He’d been the only constant in her life since Ben died and she wanted him close. 

She’d been lost in the frenzy as he held her and touched her in ways only Ben ever had.  She’d be lying if she tried to pretend she hadn’t mistaken Luke for his brother at times; the hands, so alike, the tenderness, so similar, the way he held her protectively and covered her in kisses as she thought she might burst from his touch, remembering how it felt when Ben touched her.  She’d been able to forget for a while the events of the past year and just recall how much she’d loved Ben before he’d been taken from her.  But she couldn’t forget now.  It wasn’t Ben beside her.  Ben was still gone and their little girl was sleeping only a few rooms away and now here she lay with Luke, having shared everything they could possibly share and she had no idea where things would go from here. 

A whimper disturbed her thoughts.  Luke stirred for a second, but before he could wake up, Kathryn was already out of the bed, searching the floor for the clothes that had been tossed aside earlier.  When she couldn’t find them
, she put on her robe and headed to Sarah’s room.  She was squirming in her crib, getting ready to cry out for her eleven o’clock feeding.  Kathryn scooped her up before she could though and sat down in the glider in the corner of the room.  She held her daughter and rocked her gently as she fed.  She loved this time with Sarah.  It was so quiet and peaceful.  Her eyes drifted to the framed picture of Ben above the crib and Kathryn quickly looked away. His smiling face and bright eyes were too much for her right now.  She wondered what he was thinking.  Had he seen her and Luke together?  Was he mad?  Was he sickened by the whole display?  How could she have betrayed Ben, the love of her life?  How had she let another man, especially his brother, touch her the way he had…the way only he had?  A tear escaped her eye and she quickly wiped it away. 

“Hey,” Luke’s deep, husky voice interrupted quietly. 

She turned to see him standing in the doorway in a pair of boxer shots.She was grateful he’d covered up, but wished he’d put on a shirt as well.  He looked like a gorgeous mess standing there, leaning against the door jamb, arms folded lightly across his hard stomach, his hair all disheveled. 

“Um…hi,” she said quietly, meeting his gaze briefly before looking down at Sarah.  She pulled a blanket over the baby, modest
y suddenly overcoming her.  Why was she hiding now?  Luke had seen every ounce of her a little while ago, so what did it matter now if he saw a little of her chest? 

“Should I go?” he asked, concern washing over his face, obviously noticing her reaction to him seeing her like this.

“I’ll be done here in a minute,” she said without looking up and she heard his feet shuffle away. 

She prolonged the feeding as long as possible, not knowing what she would say to Luke when she finished, but after twenty minutes, Sarah was fast asleep and Kathryn returned her to her crib. 

The hallway was dark and she walked carefully to her room.  When she turned inside, she could see Luke was still there, sitting on the bed, obviously waiting for her.  Thankfully, he’d put a white undershirt on and Kathryn didn’t find him as distracting.  He’d turned on the lamp next to the bed, creating a soft glow around the room.  She pulled the robe tighter as she walked slowly towards him and Luke seemed to shift uncomfortably when she sat down beside him.  The silence between them was deafening, but she was overly aware that Luke was beside her.  There was a thickness between them, which she determined was awkwardness.  Neither of them knew quite what to say.  Luke had made the first move by coming in while she was feeding Sarah, but she’d pushed him away and now it was obvious he didn’t know what to do. 

“Are you okay?” he finally asked when the quiet became too much.

“Yeah…I think so,” she said quietly, still unable to look up at him.  “Are you okay?”

She couldn’t get over the awkwardness of the situation.  It’d never been like this with Ben.  It’d come easy and had been wonderful.  She and Ben had been in love
though.  It was the natural progression of their relationship.  With Luke, it was different.  She didn’t know what this was with Luke.  They’d gotten caught up in the moment.  She’d wanted to forget everything.  She’d wanted to feel alive again.  She’d wanted to be close to Ben again, and Luke had done all of those things for her. 

“Yeah, I’m alright,” he began and then paused for a moment before going on. “Actually, I’m pretty good.”

This last remark caused Kathryn to finally turn and look at him.  He was smiling shyly as his eyes spanned over her.  She blushed, but smiled back. 

“What happened Luke
?” she asked, meeting his eyes. 

“I don’t know,” he said quietly
, his face growing serious. “I don’t know what happened.”

“I think we just got caught up in the moment,” Kathryn said trying to make sense of it all.

Luke’s face grew even more serious now as his gaze focused more intently on her.

“You were so sad,” he said somberly. “I just didn’t want you to be sad anymore.  I hate it when you’re sad.  I love you Kathryn,” he said and she felt her heart stop. He must’ve noticed the look of terror on her face because his mouth broke into an easy smile. “I don’t mean I love you the way my brother did.  I love you as a friend, my best friend and I love my niece. I don’t want you to be sad all the time and you looked so helpless tonight, I didn’t know what to do and something told me I should kiss you and when I did, you seemed better.”

“I was,” she admitted.

“But…after the kiss…I don’t know what happened.  I know I shouldn’t have…I should’ve just…” Luke stammered, but she cut him off. 

“It’s not your fault.  You tried to stop.  If I remember correctly, I pressured you,” she said trying to joke, but feeling ashamed at the same time.

“You didn’t need to pressure me, believe me.  I’ve wanted to…” he said, his rugged voice fading off as he reached up and nervously pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear, leaving a trail of goose
bumps behind where his fingers had lightly brushed her cheek.  “I hope you’re not mad at me.”

She stared at him, his face so worried, like a little boy who’d broken a rule, waiting for her to respond.

“I’m not mad at you.  I could never be mad at you Lukey,” she said with a playful grin, using the pet name his mom sometimes used with him, which he despised.  He just rolled his eyes and smiled, a weight seeming to lift off his shoulders.

“Alright Kathy,” he fired back and she slugged him gently in the forearm. 

“Don’t ever call me Kathy,” she warned.

“Then don’t ever call me Lukey,” he returned.

“Deal,” she said and he nodded in agreement.

“So are things going to be totally weird between us now?” he asked the seriousness returning to his voice as the playfulness of a moment ago vanished.

“I hope not,” she said truthfully, hoping they could remain as close as they’d been even after what had happened between them.  She wanted this, but she didn’t know if it was possible.  They were such good friends, best friends who succumbed to a vulnerable moment of shared grief.  They’d found relief in each other’s embrace, but could they overcome that?  Could life go on just as it’d been since before Luke’s kiss changed everything? 

“Me too,” Luke said standing up to head back to his room.  He leaned down to kiss her goodnight on the cheek, but before she realized it, she had turned her face so instead of her cheek, his lips met hers, once again, brushing softly and tenderly together.  He seemed startled to meet the softness of her lips instead of the hollow of her cheek, but he didn’t pull back.  Instead, they lingered there together, lips hovering for a few moments, until he finally pulled away.

“Good night Kathryn,” he whispered while he was still just inches from her face.

“Good night,” she said breathlessly as she fought her lips from reaching for his again. 

He brushed her cheek once more, before turning to head back to his room.  She watched as he walked away, knowing they would never speak of tonight again. 

Part II

Chapter 21

The air was starting to turn cool and crisp again, indicating the change from summer to autumn.  It had been nearly two years since Ben’s passing, and Kathryn still missed him every day.  She could hardly believe Sarah had just turned one.  They’d had a big party at the park near the beach to celebrate with both hers and Ben’s families.  Lacey had been there too and it’d been a great day.  Every day Sarah looked more and more like her father.  She shared the blonde hair of both of her parents, although hers was darker like Bens, but her eyes were all her father’s.  They were practically the same shade of hazel and they lit up when she smiled, just like her dad’s.  Sometimes Sarah would do little things, like curl up her face when she didn’t like a new food that reminded her so much of Ben.  She loved the reminders and she loved seeing him live on in Sarah, but she also had to look away at times too.  Sometimes it was too painful to see such a living reminder of him.  It was the way she felt when she looked at Luke sometimes.