After the Sky Fell Down (18 page)

“He’s here Kathryn, he is,” Luke said gently.

The words were comforting and she wanted to believe them, but it still didn’t make up for the fact that Ben was gone, even if he was watching over her in some way.

“And I’m here, even though I could never replace him.  I can help you though.  He would never want you to do this alone.  You know if he was still alive he’d take care of you.  He’d be here.  He’d cater to your every whim.  I know it’s destroying him to see you doing this alone.”

“I know Luke.  He’d have been amazing,”

“Don’t resent him though,” Luke said protectively of his brother.

“I don’t anymore,” she said honestly.  She’d been angry at Ben for a short time.  She’d convinced herself he’d left her on purpose, but soon realized how ludicrous she was being.  “I’m just having a weak moment.”

“Which you’re entitled to,” he agreed with an encouraging smile.

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?” he asked raising an eyebrow in confusion.

“Say the right things?  Do the right things?  Stay so strong and put together?  You’ve been like this pillar since he died when I’ve been nothing but a mess.”

“Well, someone’s gotta keep it together,” he laughed lightly, but she could sense frustration in his voice. “It sure as hell isn’t going to be anyone else in my family.”

“Are you okay though?” she asked seriously.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said and then hesitated. “Well, I’m not fine.  Who could be fine after the year we’ve had?  But, I’m doing the best I can.”

“It’s not healthy to hold things in, ya know. Remember that promise we made to each other in the church?  We promised we’d be there for each other.  I don’t feel I’ve held up my end of the bargain.”

“Yes, you have,” he assured her. “By letting me help you.  It’s what I need in my life right now.  I need to get away from my house and feel like I’m helping Ben.”

“Why do you need to get away from your house?”

“Because it’s just bad,” he said shaking his head.

“What do you mean?” she asked confused.  She spent a lot of time with the Bradley’s and while the house was still filled with sadness, she thought things were improving. “I thought things were getting better.”

“Is it getting better for you?” he asked quietly and his words pierced through her.  It wasn’t getting better for her so she could only imagine how Luke and his family still felt.  She looked up at him, but didn’t say anything.  Her silence said it all.  “Allie never even talks to me anymore.  It’s like she’s completely shut down and blocked everything out.  My parents fight all the time and I’m just there.  It’s been seven months, but nothing’s getting better. It’s all about Ben still.”

“What’s going on with your parents?”

“I can’t really explain it.  It’s like my dad wants to just keep moving along, pressing forward with life, but my mom can’t. She goes to work and everything, but she always wants to talk about Ben and my dad can’t do it, so they either fight or don’t talk.”

“I didn’t know that,” she said quietly.

“They put on a good show, especially for you because of the baby.”

She sat silently, dumbfounded by what he was telling her. Her pain had been unbearable since Ben’s death, but so had theirs.

“Ya know, sometimes my mom can’t even talk to me.  Like the other day, she called me while I was out to ask me to grab something for her at the store and halfway through the conversation she started bawling and then she said she couldn’t talk to me anymore because I sounded too much like Ben and she hung up.”

“Oh my gosh.  I’m so sorry,” she said looking up at his solemn face, but she couldn’t blame Sharon.  Luke was a constant reminder of Ben, and even though Allie was Luke’s twin, he was more like his brother and not just in their looks, like the way their foreheads crinkled in skepticism or the how they ran their hands through their hair when they were nervous or the way their identical hazel eyes had a way of looking right through you, but their personalities and mannerisms as well.  They had the same laugh, the same sense of humor, the same interests and they had been best friends, almost an extension of each other.

“Don’t be sorry.  It’s life.  I don’t expect my parents or my sister or anyone to be okay yet.  I doubt we ever will be okay.  We’ll always miss him and we’ll never understand why he had to die, especially now, leaving a baby behind.” His voice was cracking and his eyes were fixed on her stomach.  He raised a trembling hand and hesitantly lowered it towards her abdomen, moving slowly as if there were
a force field surrounding the baby.  Kathryn took his hand and eased it down until it cupped her belly.  She held it there and then Luke began to sob, finally breaking down.  She pulled him to her, wrapping her arms around him as he buried his face in her chest, shoulders shaking uncontrollably, and clinging to her as if he’d never let go.

Chapter 17

Luke decided to move in earlier than planned.  Since graduation night, they’d been together nearly every day, getting things ready for the baby.  Kathryn had received more from the baby shower than she’d expected.  Her friends and family had been more than generous and again, she attributed this to what she was referring to as the pity factor.  She knew everyone felt sorry for her that her child’s father was dead.  Baby showers were usually joyous occasions and while hers was nice, there was an underlying sense of sadness looming throughout hers.  No one got too excited and there weren’t any silly games, just good food, conversation and a lot of gifts.  There were even tears when Sharon handed her a gift bag, which contained a pastel yellow knit blanket.

“It was Ben’s baby blanket.  My mom knitted it for him before she passed away,” she’d said and everyone dabbed their eyes. 

Kathryn had held it to her chest, trying to imagine a tiny Ben swaddled in the soft yarn and trying to imagine their baby using it.

The nursery was complete.  She’d watched as her dad and Luke struggled putting the crib together, even laughing during their times of deepest frustration.  It got done though and the small armoire she’d received from Dom and Val was already filled with all the clothes she’d received for the baby. 

She’d wanted to paint the nursery, but the rules of the lease prohibited it.  Instead, she put up lavender butterfly decals that matched the bedding and above the crib, she hung a picture of Ben in a pretty silver frame, so he
would always be looking over the baby.  She draped Ben’s baby blanket over the glider that sat in the corner of the room. 

“It looks perfect,” Luke said as they stood in the doorway admiring the room. 

“Yeah, it does.  All it’s missing now is a baby,” she laughed.

“Well, that’ll come soon enough.  Just a few more weeks.”

“Not soon enough,” she sighed, placing her hand on her ever expanding stomach.  With her height, there wasn’t much room for the baby to grow except out and each day she felt more and more like a waddling elephant. 

Besides getting
the apartment ready, Luke was gearing up for classes too.  As Kathryn watched him get his books and supplies, she was envious.  She wouldn’t be attending classes this fall.  She had to take the semester off to have the baby.  Instead of going to class, she was going to be a mom, an idea she was finding more terrifying with each passing day.  She assured herself she would return for the spring semester.  She had to in order to make a better life for her and her daughter.  It was all on her.  There was no one else who could.

****

“So what’s going on with you and Luke?” Lacey asked over lunch one day at the beginning of August.

“What do you mean?”

“I hardly see you anymore.  You’re always with Luke,” she said.

“I know.  I’m sorry Lace,” Kathryn said apologetically.

“It’s okay.  I was just curious about you two.  I know he sometimes hung with you and Ben, but it’s like you’re glued at the hip now.”

“It’s hard to explain.  I’m not trying to alienate you Lacey.  Luke and I have just grown really close since Ben and the baby.”

“Is he a better roommate than me?” she joked.

“Better?  No.  Different?  Yes.  I miss you Lacey.  I hope you’re not mad at me,” Kathryn said seriously.

“Of course I’m not mad.  I miss you too.  Carly can be a little high maintenance.  I miss how things were with you.  It was a lot more laid back. Carly’s always got something going on.  Someone’s always over at the house.  She’s always
on
, you know what I mean?” she asked looking over to Kathryn who nodded, understanding perfectly. “I miss our vegging out in front of the TV and doing nothing and that being okay.”

“Me too.  I’m sorry Lacey.”

“No!  Don’t apologize.  Here I am complaining about living with Carly after what you’re dealing with.  I think you made the right choice moving out.  I just wanted to let you know I miss you and to see how things with Luke are going.”

“Well, Luke’s great.  He’s been great,” she nodded, “And things are…” she said but stopped.  She grabbed her stomach, which was spasming.

“Are you okay?” Lacey asked leaning forward.

“I…I don’t know,” she said breathlessly through gritted teeth. 

“Is it the baby?” she gasped.

“I don’t know.  I’ve got this really bad cramp or something.  I think I might be in labor,” Kathryn managed to get out as she took a deep breath and ran through all the information she’d received at childbirth class in her mind.  Her back had been hurting for a couple of days and she’d had minor cramping, which she thought had been Braxton Hicks co
ntractions.  She was still two weeks from her due date so she didn’t think it was actual labor.  This cramp was different than those though.

“Should I call an ambulance?” Lacey exclaimed.

“No.  No, you don’t need to do that.  Can you drive me to the hospital?” Kathryn asked as she was overcome with another contraction. 

“Yeah, yeah.  C’mon!” Lacey said bolting up.

Kathryn reached into her purse and threw down what she thought was enough money to cover the cost of their meal.

“Seriously Kathryn?  You’re worried about paying the bill?” Lacey cried.

“I don’t want to get arrested!” she replied half-jokingly, half serious.

“Geez.  C’mon!” Lacey said yanking Kathryn by the arm and dragging her out of the restaurant.

She was relatively calm, breathing long and slow like she’d learned, but Lacey was a wreck.  As Lacey sped to the hospital, Kathryn wondered if it might not be better if she drive and she couldn’t help be reminded of the frantic drive she and Lacey had taken to the same hospital that cool November night nearly nine months before.  She tried shaking the memory from her mind.  She couldn’t think about that…of losing Ben, when she was getting ready to give birth to their child.

She called her doctor’s office during the drive and after listening to her symptoms they told her she probably was in labor and she’d made the right choice in heading to the hospital. 

Once there, she got checked in and asked Lacey to call her family and Luke.  She tried to relax, knowing what would be happening in the next few hours.  All the waiting, all the pain, all the struggle would come full circle and she would meet their daughter.

Her parents were the first to get there,
followed shortly by Sharon, Scott and Allie and then Val and Dom.  Her parents seemed nervous as they paced around the room, but Sharon appeared overcome with excitement.  She kept coming over to Kathryn, fluffing her pillows and trying to rub her back.  She found the whole thing suffocating and kept staring at the door, waiting for Luke to appear.

“Did you call Luke?” Kathryn asked Lacey after a tough contraction.

“Yes.  I told you I did.”

“Is he coming?” she sighed.

“He didn’t answer.  I left him a message.”

“It’s been over an hour!  Call him again…please!” Kathryn pleaded, throwing her head back in frustration.  There were so many people in the room, but she really only wanted Luke there.

“Okay, okay,” Lacey said and pulled out her cell phone and began calling again.

The contractions got worse quickly.  Dr. Ware said she was progressing rapidly for a first baby and this scared Kathryn.  The baby would be here faster than she thought and she wasn’t ready.  She knew she wasn’t ready for any of this.  Not for the baby.  Not for being alone. Not for seeing Ben in her new daughter’s life.  She started crying, but not from pain, but from panic.

“Kathryn!” Sharon cried noticing her distress and coming over again. “Honey, it’s going to be okay.” She began stroking her hair. “You won’t even remember the pain once you see her little face.”

Before she realized what she was doing she shoved Sharon’s hands away from her.

“Stop it!  Just stop!  It’s not the pain!” she shouted. “It’s not the pain!  I’m not ready for this!  I can’t do this without him.  Don’t you get that?  When you had your children their father was there!  My daughter’s father is dead.  He’s dead and I can’t do this without him!”