After the Sky Fell Down (14 page)

They sat around the living room, talking casually, and surprisingly not as much about the pregnancy as she had anticipated, which she was grateful for.  Words didn’t need to be spoken to let her know that they supported her and would welcome this baby.  If they had reservations, no one led on.  Sharon had made lasagna again, just as she had on the last night of Ben’s life.  Kathryn ate it up eagerly, her appetite having returned with a vengeance since learning of the pregnancy.  When everyone was finishing up, she began helping Luke clear the table and followed him into the kitchen.

“How have you been?” Kathryn asked him once they were alone.

“I’m fine. How are you?” he replied robotically.

“I’m good,” she said as she began to load the dishwasher and then it was quiet again, except for the sound of dishes clanking against each other.

“You’ve been really quiet tonight,” Kathryn said in an attempt to get him to talk.

“I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“Yeah, me too.  School starts in a couple of days.”

“I heard you decided to go back.  That’s good news,” Luke said blandly, continuing the distance between them and she decided to confront him about it.

“Okay Luke.  What’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve hardly said two words to me, and since Ben…you know, since Ben died,
” she said quietly, still finding it difficult to say the words. “You’ve been really good to me, but I feel like you’re mad at me or something.”

“I’m not mad.”

“Then what is it?  For the first time since Ben died I’m feeling like everything is going to be okay.  I mean…I get this great news and…”

“Great news?  You think this is great news?” Luke said cutting her off.

“Of course I do.”

“This isn’t great news,” he said, his voice starting to choke up.

“Yeah, I kinda gathered that from your reaction the other day, but how can you say that?” she said, her heart aching at his words.  She stared up at him and she could tell by the look on his face that he was trying to bite his tongue, like he wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure if he should.

“How can you say that?” she repeated and then he sighed before he began speaking, his words coming out stern and harsh.

“I can say that because you’re not ready for this.  No one’s ready for this.  I don’t think it’s going to be as wonderful as you and Mom think it’s going to be.  That baby will not bring my brother back and everyday it’s going to reinforce that Ben is dead and that the baby will never know its father and you’ll be miserable because every time you look into the face of that baby you’ll see Ben and you’ll know he’s never coming back.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kathryn said, a tear escaping from her eye and running down her cheek.

“I think I do.”

“No, you don’t Luke.  I loved…no I love your brother more than you could possibly comprehend. When he died, I wanted to die too.  I didn’t see a reason for living without him, but now I do. I live to see his child and to see him in that child.  I live to tell Ben’s story to his child
so it can know what an amazing father it had.  I don’t understand how you can’t see the good in this.”

Luke stared at Ka
thryn, but didn’t say anything. 

“You’re
Ben’s brother, this child’s uncle. I need your support,” Kathryn pleaded.

He stared at her again, wanting to be that support he’d been for her since Ben died, but something was holding him back.  He wasn’t sure what it was, but whatever it was, he knew he had to put it aside for Kathryn.  She was genuinely excited about this, and whether he liked it or not, this baby was coming and she needed him.

“You’ve got my support then,” he relented.

“Thank you,” she said stepping over to him and hugging him.  He hesitantly hugged her back.  “Everything’s going to be okay, just like you told me at the cemetery.  This is going to make everything okay,” she whispered as her cheek pressed into his chest.  She knew he hadn’t fully embraced the idea yet, but at least he wasn’t pushing her away. 

Chapter 13

Kathryn looked down at her stomach.  She still didn’t look pregnant.  She just looked as if she’d been eating too many donuts.  Her mom and Sharon both assured her she’d be showing soon enough.  She would just pop and would keep going from there.  She couldn’t wait to see the bump on her belly and feel the baby inside her move.  The books she’d been reading said it could happen any time now.  She was nearly seventeen weeks along and everything seemed to be going fine.  The nausea had settled down a bit and she kept her fingers crossed that the baby would cooperate so she might learn the sex at today’s ultrasound. 

Her mom and Sharon sat on either side of her in the busy waiting room.  Women in all stages of pregnancy surrounded her.  Her eyes settled on one lady in particular who l
ooked as if she was ready to burst.  She looked swollen and miserable and Kathryn prayed that would not be her fate.  Some women made pregnancy look so glamorous.  That poor woman was not one of them.

“Kathryn Lane,” a voice called and Kathryn tore her eyes from the lady’s giant stomach and turned to the nurse who was standing with a clipboard. “You can come in now.”

She stood up, wondering how much longer she’d be able to move with such ease, and walked over to the nurse followed by her mom and Sharon.  After getting her weight and blood pressure, they all walked into an exam room.The nurse asked a few general questions and then left the room to get Dr. Ware.

“This is so exciting,” Sharon said eagerly, beaming over towards Kathryn, who sat on the examination table. “Thank you so much for including me.”

“You’re welcome,” she said returning the smile before looking over to her mom.

While it’d been six weeks since the news of the pregnancy had broken, things hadn’t changed much with her parents.  They were still doubtful that she could do it.  The rest of her family
in New Hampshire had been shocked, as was expected, but they were also supportive.  She’d been most afraid to tell her grandparents, but they’d surprised her and congratulated her.  Just as with Ben’s family, she attributed the kindness and acceptance to the fact that her fiance was dead and she wondered how everyone would’ve reacted if Ben were still alive. 

As Kathryn glanced at her mother now, sitting beside Sharon, she could tell she was doing her best to look happy.  She wasn’t fooling anyone though.  Kathryn appreciated the support, but she
prayed her parents would start showing some kind of enthusiasm, not just acceptance.  She was hoping the ultrasound would help jump start the process. 

There was a knock on the door and a moment later, Dr. Ware entered the room.  She looked first at Kathryn and then over to her mom and Sharon and smiled.

“Hi Maggie,” Dr. Ware said recognizing Kathryn’s mother. “And who’s the other support person with you today?”

Support person.  This was a term she’d never heard before.  But this is what she had.  Support people.  No husband.  No fiancé.  No boyfriend.  Just support people.

“This is Ben’s mother, Sharon Bradley,” Kathryn introduced them. 

“This must very exciting for you,” Dr. Ware said as she shook Sharon’s hand.

“You have no idea,” Sharon beamed.

“So, how’ve you been since I last saw you?” Dr. Ware asked turning her attention back to Kathryn.

“Good.  Very good.”

“You feeling okay?  Any questions, concerns?”

“Not really.”

“Not really?” she laughed. “You sound like you’ve got something on your mind.”

Kathryn looked over at her doctor and grinned widely.

“I’m dying to know what I’m having,” she blurted out and Dr. Ware chuckled.

“Well, I should be able to tell you today as long as the baby cooperates.  Let’s go ahead and get started.  Let me have you lie back and lift up your shirt and pull the waist of your pants down.”

Kathryn did as she was instructed while Dr. Ware turned off the lights before walking over to the ultrasound machine. 

“You can see everything on the monitor on the wall,” Dr. Ware said as she squirted clear jelly onto Kathryn’s stomach.

She focused on the TV and knew her mom and Sharo
n were doing the same.  The doctor put a wand on her stomach and began moving it around.  Instantly a blob of gray, black, and white appeared on the screen.  It all blurred together like paint mixing until the wand steadied and a form began to appear…the baby.  Kathryn looked over to her mom and Sharon.  Sharon’s hand was cupped over her mouth and her mom was staring intently at the screen.

“There’s the baby,” Sharon whispered and then reached over and grabbed Kathryn’s hand squeezing it tightly.

“Here’s the spine, and this is a leg,” Dr. Ware said as she ran the cursor over the screen. “I’m just going to take some measurements to make sure everything’s going well.”

A series of lines dotted across the screen and Dr. Ware clicked away at the keyboard.  The room was silent as Kathryn continued to gaze at the TV.  The baby flipped and flopped, which made the smile on her face even bigger.  Then a whoosh-whoosh sound filled the room.  The baby’s heartbeat.  Sharon’s grip grew even tighter and Kathryn heard a small hiccup escape from her.  She looked over and saw tears streaming down Sharon’s face as her eyes remained glued to the screen.

“Does the heartbeat sound okay?” Kathryn asked looking up at the doctor.

“Yes.  150 beats a minute. It’s perfect,” she said continuing to move the wand around. “So…any thoughts on the sex?”

“I’m not sure.  I was thinking it was a girl, but then I had a dream the other night I was holding a dark haired little boy.  I have no clue,” Kathryn said as the anticipation grew. 

“Well, your first inclination was right,” Dr. Ware said and Kathryn froze and whipped her head around to the doctor who was smiling down at her.

“A girl?  It’s a girl?” she said softly and the doctor nodded.

“It is a girl,” she affirmed.

“A girl,” Kathryn whispered, staring back at the screen and then over to her mom and Sharon.

“A little girl,” Sharon said excitedly. “This is wonderful!  Ben would’ve loved having a daughter.”  Kathryn new Sharon was right.  Ben would’ve been amazing with a daughter and she knew he was here sharing in this moment.

Then her eyes moved to her mother.  She sat quietly, staring at the TV and Kathryn noticed a few tears falling down her cheeks and a small grin on her face.  She looked happy.  That was all Kathryn had been hoping for.

****

Kathryn followed her mother into the kitchen after pulling the car into the garage.  Her dad wasn’t home from work yet and the house seemed unnervingly quiet.  The drive home had been quiet as well and she would’ve given anything to know what was going through her mom’s mind.  She hadn’t imagined it. She had seen a spark in her mother’s eyes while watching the ultrasound. 

“So, what’d you think Mom?” she asked softly, her voice laced with nerves.  This had never been a problem.  She’d always been close to her mother and was rarely nervous to talk to her.  They still were close, but things were different.  Ben’s death had changed everything.  His death had brought her to her breaking point, to a place she thought she’d never escape from, but the baby had helped.  The baby had given her hope.  The baby had given her a reason to live.  The baby had brought Ben back to her.  While she still ached for him and still wanted to curl up and die along with him some days and she sometimes questioned her sanity on how she was possibly going to pull this off without him, she could now see a light and she thought maybe things might be okay.  However, she knew her mother worried she was living in delusions.  She knew she worried about her and she worried about the baby.  She knew this was not what her mother had envisioned when thinking about grandchildren.  This wasn’t what Kathryn had envisioned either, but this is t
he way it was going to be.

“I don’t k
now what to think,” her mom sighed, setting her purse on the counter. 

“It was pretty incredible, huh?” Kathryn asked staring down at the ultrasound pictures in her hand.

“That it was,” she agreed quietly and her lips turned up into a reluctant smile.

“So,
a girl.  Are you surprised?  What did you think I was having?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it,” her mom said honestly.

“Yeah, I figured,” Kathryn said softly, wondering what else she could do to help her mother get excited, but knew she couldn’t do anything else.  She carefully slid the pictures into her purse and reached for her keys. “I’m going to get going.”

She turned to leave, but when she did, she felt her mother’s grip on her arm.  She turned around and saw her mother staring at her with moist eyes. 

“I’m sorry Kathryn,” she said softly as tears escaped. “It
was
amazing today.  It was amazing seeing that little girl inside of you.  I can’t wait to meet her.  I’m sorry I haven’t been able to get excited how you want me to.  I just hurt for you so much and I want to take all your pain away.  If I could, I would take it all from you.  You’ll understand soon enough.  When it comes to your children, you’ll do anything to make sure they’re okay,” she said and gently stroked Kathryn’s cheek as if remembering her as a little girl. “All I could think about while looking at the ultrasound was how I felt when I was pregnant with you.  It was such a happy time.  Your dad and I were so excited.  Getting ready for you was all we could think about.  It brought us so close to each other.  And all I could think about while watching that little girl inside of you…all I could think about,” she said, her voice cracking. “Was the fact that you won’t experience any of that.  You won’t have Ben by your side and that little girl will never know her father.  That’s why I’m so sad…because I see the sadness in your eyes.  I know this baby has helped with your pain, but I know you Kate.  You’ll never be the same and I don’t expect you to be.  All I want is for you to be happy.  I used to
know
you were happy.  I
knew
you’d always be happy with Ben, but I was wrong and life had other plans.  I want you to be happy again someday and watching you today as you watched your daughter, I saw a spark of that.  So, I’m sorry for being distant.  I’m happy for you and we’ll make it work.”