After the Sky Fell Down (12 page)

After Dr. Ware removed the paddle, she and the nurse left and Kathryn put her clothes back on.  The doctor returned a few minutes later and sat back down on the stool.

“How are you doing with all of this?” she asked Kathryn.

“I really don’t know what to think.”

“It’s a lot to take in, but you seem happy.”

“I think I am,” Kathryn admitted. “I thought I’d lost him forever, but now we’re going to have a baby and that baby’s half of him.”

“What was his name?  Your fiancé.”

“Ben,” Kathryn answered with a smile. “He asked me to marry him the night…the night he died.”

She saw Dr. Ware close her eyes momentarily as she listened to Kathryn’s story, not quite knowing what to say.

“You’ve got some big decisions ahead of you,” she finally began. “You might even consider seeing a counselor through all of this because it’s very important you keep yourself as healthy and balanced as possible during pregnancy.  I’m going to write you a prescription for some prenatal vitamins and here’s the name of a wonderful counselor in case you’re interested,” Dr. Ware said scribbling onto a piece of p
aper and handing it to Kathryn before going over all the dos and don’ts of pregnancy with her. “I want to see you back in a month.  Take care of yourself until then,” Dr. Ware said once they were finished talking.

Kat
hryn nodded and promised that she would.

Chapter 10

As Kathryn drove home, she was a wave of emotions.  She knew she should be terrified, but she wasn’t.  She was filled with joy and for the first time in two months she thought she might remember what happiness felt like.  She was bursting to tell Ben.  He’d always been so good with kids and they’d always talked about h
aving them one day, but then her heart sank when she realized she couldn’t tell him.  She suddenly jerked the wheel of the car and headed in the opposite direction.

Soon she was turning into the cemetery she had last visited the day they’d buried Ben.  She hadn’t had the courage to visit his grave yet, but she needed to today.  She drove slowly down the gravel roads and weaved in and out until she found him.  The ground was still covered in a thin layer of white from a snowfall last week, which made the cemetery
seem even more solitary and peaceful.  His grave lay below a large oak tree, which seemed to hang over it like a protector.

She began walking towards the grave, the snow crunching below her feet.  As she drew closer, the headstone came into view and she stopped a few feet in front of it.  She’d never seen it.  The Bradley’s had done a good job picking it out. It was beautiful, even if it was a tombstone. The slick gray marble sparkled in the sunlight, casting what looked like diamonds all around it.  It stood proudly
telling about the wonderful person buried below:

Benjamin Alexander Bradley

February 19, 1988-November 15, 2007

Beloved Son and Brother

“Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean.”

 
A small portrait of Ben had been etched into the marble.  It looked surprisingly lifelike and his smile seemed to leap off the rock.  She reached down and began to search through the snow until she found a small, round pebble.  She set it on top of Ben’s headstone, a tradition her Jewish friend, Jill, had told her about. She said it was a way to leave a piece of yourself behind when you visited and to show that the dead had not been forgotten.  Ben had certainly not been forgotten.

She sat down in the snow, not caring that her pants would get soaked, and began talking to Ben as if he were sitting across from her in a restaurant booth.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you.  It’s just been too hard to come here,” she said sadly. “But I got some amazing news today.  We’re going to have a baby Ben.  Can you believe it?  I’m pregnant.  I hope it’s a boy and that he looks just like you.  God help the poor child if it ends up with my genes,” she laughed and then immediately started crying. 

She suddenly realized how ridiculous she was being as she sat staring at the tombstone and talking to herself and then the reality of what she was facing hit her.  She was pregnant, unmarried, and alone.  How was she going to do this without him?  But even as all those obstacles ran through her mind, she knew she
was
excited; excited to see parts of Ben inside this new life.  Would he laugh like Ben?  Would he have the dimple on his left cheek like Ben?  Would he be as smart as Ben? 

“I miss you so much Ben.  Some days I don’t think I can even get out of bed knowing I can’t see you.  Sometimes I just want to die too so we can be together again.  I don’t think I can go the rest of my life without having you beside me.  Maybe this is why this is happening.  Maybe this baby is what will keep me going because I’ve got nothing else,” she said
, tears beginning to pour down her cheeks again.  The joy she was feeling was once again hampered by the overwhelming sadness she felt from the emptiness his death had left behind.  She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them, burying her head in the darkness, praying that Ben could wrap his arms around her and come to her once more…just one last time.  And then, as she sat over his grave, she felt a heaviness surround her, warming every inch of her and she smiled, knowing Ben
was
with her, holding her, telling her everything would be okay.

****

That night Kathryn lay in bed pondering what she was going to do.  When should she tell her parents?  When should she tell Ben’s family?  How would they react?  Her parents would probably be furious and she feared Ben’s family would deny her, leaving her to raise the baby alone.  How would she do that?  She didn’t even have a job and she still had two more years of college left.  There was so much to think about, but she didn’t want to think of any of that just yet so she held her stomach and drifted off to sleep.

The waves of the Atlantic Ocean spilled furiously onto the soft, sandy shores chasing Kathryn down.  The cold water caught her, sending shivers up her body.  She stared out into the cloudy grayness of the water noticing a dark speck on the horizon.  What was it?  Her eyes followed as it came closer to the shore, a figure finally starting to materialize.  The arms churned over and over in the water and a body stood up, dripping wet with the salty sea.  Her heart began to pound as Ben approached her, a smile she’d seen a thousand times, but had missed for so long.  She began running to him, splashing through the water, the wet sand squishing between her toes, slowing her down.  She continued to run, but found herself going nowhere.  Ben stood staring at her, his eyes pleading to her to come to him.  His mouth didn’t move, but she could still hear him. “Kathryn…why aren’t you coming?”  “I can’t Ben!” she yelled back.  “Yes, you can.  Try harder.” His voice was pleading and he stared at her in desperation.  She needed to get to him, but as she tried to lift her feet from the sand, it seemed to mold around her limbs like cement.  He reached his hand out, stretching towards her, but he was stuck too.  She leaned forward, stretching as far as she could until she felt as if her shoulder might pop out of its socket.  They both strained and pulled until their fingers were only inches from each other.  She placed her other hand gently on her stomach, sending a burst of light around them and suddenly her feet ripped free and she lunged forward, falling into his arms.

Kathryn jolted awake, her heart pounding and her mind still reeling from the dream she’d had. It had felt so real as if Ben had truly been with her.  She could still feel the warmth of his body next to her and she knew he had been with her.  It had been too real for it to have just been a dream. 

Kathryn decided to tell Ben’s family first.  For some reason, they seemed less frightening than her own parents.  She called Sharon to see if she could stop by and talk and she had seemed excited to hear from Kathryn.

For the first time in months she put effort into her appearance.  She straightened her long blonde hair so it hung in layers past her shoulders and put on some make-up, highlighting her eyes so the blueness st
ood out.  She put on a pair of jeans and a purple v-neck sweater before pulling on her winter coat and covering her hands with gray wooly mittens.  It was exceptionally cold, even for a New England winter morning.  Ice covered the windshield of her car and she scraped it relentlessly before it was all cleared away.  By the time she was done, the car was warm inside.  The dashboard thermometer read seven degrees and she put the car in gear to begin the thirty minute drive to the Bradley’s. 

She’d been the
re a few times since Luke dragged her over on Christmas Day.  Each time she went, she struggled with what role she played in the Bradley’s lives anymore.  That question was answered now.  She would be tied to them forever.

She pulled the car into the driveway and walked nervously to the front door, ringing the bell. A few moments later, it swung open and Sharon’s smiling face greeted her.

“Come in,” she said stepping aside. “It’s freezing out there!”

“Yes, it is,” she agreed, taking her jacket off and hanging it on the coat rack. 

She followed Sharon into the deserted living room.  The local news was coming from the TV and Sharon reached over for the remote control and turned it off.

“Sit down,” she encouraged her. “Can I get you something to drink?  Coffee or cocoa?”

“No thanks,” Kathryn said, suddenly overcome with nerves, wondering if she’d made the right choice in coming.

“It’s nice to see you again,”
Sharon said as she sat down in the recliner across from the couch where Kathryn was sitting. 

“Yeah, you too,” Kathryn
said, looking away.

They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few moments.

“Is everything okay?  You seem distracted.”

“Um…” she said hesitating. “I actually came by to…to tell you something.” 

Her voice was much lower now and Sharon knew something was very wrong.

“What is it Kathryn?”

“I went to the doctor yesterday…” she said before losing her nerve again.

“Are you okay?” Sharon jumped in
immediately.  Since Ben’s death, she had become a hypochondriac, assuming headaches were brain tumors and stomach aches were cancer.

“Yes, I’m fine, but,” she paused again, taking a deep breath and then decided to just come out with it.  “I’m pregnant Sharon,” Kathryn said quickly, staring at the floor.

Sharon sat still as a statue, staring at the girl before her, her mouth hanging open in disbelief.

“Excuse me?” she asked quietly.

“I’m 10 weeks pregnant.”

“Is this a joke?” Sharon asked, trying not to laugh.

“No.  I would never joke about something like this.”

“You’re pregnant?  With Ben’s baby.”  It was a statement, not a question.  There was no doubt that it was anyone but Ben’s child.

Kathryn nodded, finally meeting Sharon’s eyes, which were now moist with tears.  Time seemed to stand still and Sharon appeared frozen.  Kathryn prayed she would say something.

“You’re pregnant!  With Ben’s baby!” she finally said, a smile spreading quickly across her face.  She leapt up from the recliner and sat down on the couch next to Kathryn, throwing her arms around her.

“I thought you’d be upset.”

“No. I’m not upset. I could never be upset. This is wonderful news.  May I?” she asked gesturing towards Kathryn’s stomach.  She nodded and Sharon cupped her belly, trying to wrap her thoughts around the fact that inside of Kathryn was a life her son had helped create.  “I can’t believe this.  When are you due?”

“The doctor thinks mid-August, but I’ll know more when I go next month for my appointment.  Do you want to come with me?”

“I’d love to come,” she said, choked up by the offer and hugging Kathryn again.  They both cried together and for the first time they were tears of happiness, but then they were sudd
enly interrupted by the shutting of the front door.

“Hey Mom,” Luke’s voice called from the entryway. “I saw Kathryn’s car out front.  Is she here?”

His voice drew closer as he made his way into the living room and then stopped as he saw his mother and Kathryn in a tear filled embrace on the couch.

“What’s going on?  Is everything okay?”

Kathryn met his eyes and as he looked into hers, he could tell something significant was happening.

“What’s going on?” he asked
again skeptically.

“Go on and tell him,” Sharon encouraged.

Kathryn met Luke’s eyes again and for the first time in months he could see life in them.

“I’m pregnant,” she finally whispered.

He stood frozen, unable to move, staring down at Kathryn not able to process what he had just heard.

“What?” he asked in a near whisper
, certain he’d misheard her.

“I’m pregnant Luke.”

“Oh my gosh,” he said softly, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t even know what to say,” he said quietly and then walked nervously over to Kathryn leaning down and giving her an awkward hug before excusing himself to his room.