After the Sky Fell Down (9 page)

She was sobbing now, her face red and swollen from the tears and she was finding it difficult to catch her breath as the permanency of her situation finally set it.  She was angry and she felt the weight of the ring hanging from her left hand as if it were a boulder.  Before she could think
about what she was doing, she ripped it off her finger.

“How could he just leave me here?” she yelled
, standing up and throwing it to the ground, turning away. “He lied to me!  He said he’d always be here!”

Luke rushed towards her and fell to the ground as he searched for the ring.  He looked fervently for a few moments and when he found it, he grabbed
her, turning her to face him, staring into her eyes as he took her hand.

“No!  He didn’t lie.  He didn’t lie to you.  He didn’t leave you behind.  He loved you and he wanted to marry you!” Luke said sternly as he held up the ring and then pushed it forcefully back onto her finger. “Don’t blame Ben.”

Luke’s words stung her and she looked down at the diamond that sparkled back at her.  She began sobbing again and then Luke moved closer and wrapped his arms around her until her breathing had settled.  He reached in and took out a tissue from his pocket and gently dabbed her cheeks until they were dry.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said softly. “You’ll be alright.
 
We
will be alright.” 

As his voice melted over her, she felt peace for a moment
and she slid back down to the ground, resting against the oak tree again.  Luke joined her and they sat in silence, hiding from the rest of the world until the crowd started to disperse.  Car doors began closing, echoing in the distance, closing this final chapter, until only a small group remained beside the casket.  Still holding onto Luke, she spied around the tree trunk that had offered her asylum and waited until Ben’s coffin lay alone and solitary, the midday sun gleaming off the shiny mahogany surface.  She slowly stood up and began walking towards the gravesite with Luke following at her side.  He stopped once they were under the canopy and Kathryn continued the slow walk until she was standing in front of the casket alone.  She gingerly placed her hand on the smooth surface, her palm growing cold from the coolness of the gloss.  She stared at the casket, trying to penetrate the barrier between them.  Only a few inches of fiberglass and cloth were separating them and she fought the urge to fling open the lid to get one last glimpse of Ben before the concrete and dirt buried him forever.  Instead, she slowly leaned down and gently kissed the brown box that held him.

“I love you Ben,” she whispered so no one else could hear.  As his name flowed off her lips, a gentle breeze picked up and seemed to wrap itself around her.  The air tickled her cheeks and her hair cycloned in wisps around her face.  A shiver ran up her spine as she thought she heard a faint voice whispering in her ear.  Her body welled with warmth and she felt Ben was with her, she was certain of that.  Maybe he hadn’t left her behind after
all.

“Let’s go honey,” she heard her mother’s voice say from behind her. 

She silently turned and faced her mom, who was holding out her hand to her daughter. She took it and began the slow walk to the car.  As she stood touching the handle to the door, she paused for a moment, fighting the urge to turn around and look once more at the casket.  She took a deep breath and then got inside.  Her father turned the ignition and began driving down the gravelly road, the rocks crackling beneath the tires.  She was determined not to look back, but as the car began making the turn that would lead Ben out of view, she turned around and gasped in horror as she saw the shiny casket beginning its descent into the ground.

“Stop the car!” she shouted and her father slammed on the breaks causing them all to lurch forward.  She yanked off her seatbelt and began fumbling with the door, trying to open it, but then she felt the heavy hand of her father on her arm.  She stopped and lo
oked up at him.  His eyes were serious as he reached over the seat.

“You’ve got to stop this.  You’ve got to let him go.”  His voice was stern, but kind at the same time, and she knew he was right.  Running back to the casket wouldn’t change anything.  It wouldn’t change the outcome.  Ben was gone and nothing she did would ever change that.  She let go of the door handle and buckled her seatbelt again.  Her father gently squeezed her arm and slowly continued driving.  She watched as the casket lowered into the ground until he was gone. 

Chapter 7

It had been a month since she’d last felt Ben’s hand in hers or tasted the sweetness of his lips.  She hadn’t celebrated Thanksgiving, staying locked in her room while her parents went to her aunt’s house for the holiday.  The Bradley’s had invited her over as well, but she had declined.  How could they be celebrating any
way?  How could they just move on, going on with life knowing such an important piece of their family was lying in the cold, wet ground…alone?

Christmas was approaching too, but she didn’t plan to acknowledge it either.  Her parents had picked out a tree without her and decorated it while she sat in her room.  Each night at dinner, she would glance at the tre
e and the presents tucked below, but had no curiosity about what was inside the neatly wrapped packages or any desire to find out.  On Christmas morning though she opened the presents numbly, saying thank you robotically for the new clothes, the latest iPod and a new laptop they had given her.

After opening presents, her parents began getting ready for their drive
to New Hampshire to visit relatives. 

“Are your things packed?” her father asked as she sat like a lump on the couch.

“I told you I’m not going.”

“We’ve gone over this.  You are going,” he said sternly.

“No, I’m not,” she said matching his tone.

“Your grandparents want to see you. Everyone is concerned about you.”

“I know they are, but I don’t want to go.  I didn’t even want Christmas or any of those stupid presents you got me.  I told you guys I didn’t want any of this,” she said her eyes beginning to fill with tears.

“What’s going on in here?” her mother said stepping into the living room.

“Your daughter is insisting she’s not coming to New Hampshire.”

“You’re coming.  It’s Christmas and we’re spending Christmas as a family,” her mom stated.

“Please, please don’t make me go.  I don’t want to see anyone,” Kathryn begged quietly.

He
r parents looked at each other for guidance on what to do.  Her mother decided to take the reins.

“I know you don’t think you want to go, but once you get there and see your cousins and everyone else you’ll be glad you came.”

“I don’t care about seeing any of them!” Kathryn yelled, standing up. “The only person I want to see is Ben and he’s not coming.  He’s never coming back!  Don’t you get that?  He’s never coming back!” she shouted, stomping off towards the stairs.

“Wait right there!
” her father’s deep voice bellowed.  She turned around and met his eyes before he continued. “Ben is dead.  We all know that, and I’d give anything to take away the pain you’re feeling.  It kills me to see you walking around this house like a zombie like nothing else in the world matters.  You’re my little girl Katie,” he said calmly. “Ben is dead, but
you
are not.”

She stood frozen by her father’s words at the foot of the steps.

“I might as well be,” she responded coldly. “Now please, just let me stay home.  Please.”

Her parents both stared at her, wordlessly agreeing to her request.  She turned and continued upstairs to her room, the only place she wanted to be.

****

Her parents had come upstairs to say goodbye, telling her they’d be home
in a couple of days and asking her one last time to join them.  She declined and they left her alone.  The emptiness of the house felt good.  She was alone and no one was going to bother her about getting out of bed and getting herself together.  She knew her phone wouldn’t ring seeing as how she hadn’t charged it since the night she’d gotten the call from Luke telling her Ben was in the hospital.  She didn’t care though, because she didn’t want to speak to anyone.  She pulled the covers over her head and tried to fall asleep, the only thing that brought her relief from the pain.

****

The chime of the doorbell startled her awake, but she closed her eyes trying to ignore it.  A few moments later it rang again, and again she tried to ignore it.  After the fourth ring though, she reluctantly threw the covers back and lumbered downstairs.  She flung the door open angrily and was greeted by Luke standing in the doorway.  He was bundled in a flannel coat and a black stocking cap.  The freezing December air barged into the house, stinging through the pink and yellow flannel pajamas she was wearing.

“Can I come in?”

“No,” she said flatly and he shook his head.

“Well, too bad.  I’m coming in anyway.”  Luke walked in, brushing past her as he ignored her annoyed sigh.  He began looking around and noticed how empty the house seemed. “Where are you parents?”

“They’re in New Hampshire.”

“Why didn’t you go?”

“I didn’t want to.” 

He nodded and then they were quiet for a moment. 

“How are you doing?” he finally asked.

She glared at him, shocked he could even ask such a stupid question.

“I’m surviving.  How are you?” she answered snidely.

“About the same,” he said and then was quiet for a moment before looking up at her with sad eyes. “My mom invited you over tonight.”

“I know.  My mom told me she called.”  They were quiet again and he seemed hesitant.

“Everyone was hoping you’d come by.”

She was silent again and stared down at the floor.

“How are your parents?” she asked, suddenly feeling overcome with guilt for not seeing them.

“Mom’s not doing too well, but she’s getting by.  That’s one reason I’m here,” he said and Kathryn raised her eyebrows. “My family misses you.  I know it would mean a lot if you came by tonight.  We’re not doing much, just eating some of Grandma Val’s peach cobbler, but I know everyone would like to see you,” Luke said, smiling sweetly at her, looking more like Ben than she’d remembered.

“I don’t think so Luke.  I don’t want to go anywhere.”

“I know you don’t.  Do you think any of us just want to pick up and move on?  No…we don’t, but we have to.”

“I’m glad it’s so easy for your family,” she
chided.

“Don’t be like this Kathryn.  Think about it for a second.”

“Think about what?”

“Think about Ben,” he answered. “Do you think he’d want you to
continue like this?  Do you think he wants you holed up in your room, looking like death and shutting everyone out?”

Luke’s words hit her hard and she glanced into the mirror that was hanging in the hallway.  He was right, she did look like death.

“I don’t know what Ben wants because he’s dead,” she said coldly.

“Well I do.  He doesn’t want you alone and miserable.  It would break his heart knowing you’ve shut everyone and everything out.  Hell, I heard from my aunt that you’re thinking about not going back to school next month.  Do you think Ben would approve of that?  Do you think he wants you to throw your life away?”

She walked away from him and sat down on the couch.  Luke joined her a moment later.

She stared at him, wanting to yell at him to go away and mind his own business.  She wanted to tell him he didn’t know what he was talking about, but that would be a lie because the truth was he did know what he was talking about and everything he said was true. 

“Ben wouldn’t want me to be like this,” she said quietly, finally answering his question.

“Then will you come with me?”

She stared at him and reluctantly nodded.

“Get yourself together and go take a shower.  I’ll wait for you down here.”

She knew she couldn’t protest again and even though she didn’t want to admit it, she didn’t want to be alone.  Without any more words, she turned and made her way upstairs to the bathroom.  It had been a couple of days since she’d bathed, a thought even she found revolting.  She let the water scald her as it dripped down her body and after shampooing her hair, she finally turned it off and stepped out of the shower.  She wrapped herself in her pink terrycloth robe and dried her blonde hair.  She didn’t bother putting any make up on and after slipping on a pair of jeans and a white sweater and grabbing her tan pea coat, she met Luke back downstairs.  He’d sat himself in front of the television and was watching the twenty-four hour marathon of
A Christmas Story
. 

“Okay Luke,” she said quietly. “I’m ready to go.”

He got up and met her by the front door, leading her outside into the frigid air.  She stopped dead in her tracks though as her eyes saw what sat at the curb: Ben’s truck.  The familiar blue beast she’d teased him relentlessly about was sitting only about ten feet away from her.

“What are you doing with Ben’s truck?”