After the Sky Fell Down (44 page)

“I was up at seven o’clock with Sarah and you were already gone.  What could’ve required an earlier start then that?”

He still stood by the sliding glass door, looking down at her with annoyance.

“We’re not married.  You don’t have to know everything I do.”

Kathryn could feel her mouth hanging open, not quite knowing how to react to his comment.

“I know that Luke,” she replied. “I was just concerned because I hadn’t seen you all day.”

“It’s nice to know you still care,” he said sarcastically.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, setting the textbook down she’d been reading through.

“Nothing.  It doesn’t mean anything Kathryn,” he said walking past her.

“Hey, wait,” she said angrily. “Don’t just walk away.”

Luke stopped and slowly turned around to look at her again.  The look on his face was so sad, so vulnerable, so hurt. 

“What Kathryn?” he asked, his voice heavy with defeat.

“Can we talk about this?”

“What’s there to talk about?”

“Don’t be like this.”

“I’m not being like anything,” he said calmly.

“I don’t like how things have been between us lately.”

“And how’s that been?  The fact that you want to be with me or the fact that you won’t admit it?”

Her mouth was open again, her throat suddenly dry and unable to say anything.  Luke continued to stare down at her.  He wasn’t being smug or sarcastic.  She’d never seen him look more serious.

“Luke, that’s…I don’t know…you just can’t…” she stuttered until he cut her off.

“You can’t even deny it,” he said gazing down at her and she knew he was right.  She couldn’t deny it because she still couldn’t make heads or tails of her feelings for Luke.

“Nothing is going on between us.  It was a mistake,” she forced herself to say.

“It didn’t feel like a mistake when you kissed me,” he said his voice becoming soft as he stood with his arms folded across his chest, his mouth chiseled into a stern frown.

“Why are you doing this?  Everything was great between us.  We were friends and now we can’t even be that because of this…this thing between us that you keep pushing.”

“So you’re still blaming this all on me?  It takes two Kathryn and I’ve never forced you to do anything.  In fact, you’ve instigated a lot of it.”

“I was confused and if you think about it you’ll see that you were confus
ed too.  But it’s gotta stop.”
“So that’s it?  You and me are just…done?  After everything we’ve been through?  What happened to always being there for each other?  Did that mean anything to you?” 

“Of course it did and it still does.”

“Then why can’t you admit how you feel about me?  I’ve felt it and I know you have too.”

“Because I can’t deal with this…with you!” she said
raising her voice and his eyes softened with hurt and surprise. “You’re a constant reminder of him, but I can’t share with you what I shared with him.  Why can’t you understand that?”

“Because I know it’s not true.  You wouldn’t be so upset if you didn’t care…if you didn’t feel something too,” he said staring insistently into her eyes.

“I do care about you Luke, about us and our friendship, but that’s all it is…friendship,” she said gently, trying to get him to accept this, or maybe she was trying to get herself to accept it, but as she looked up at his handsome face, the face that reminded her so much of Ben, she couldn’t ignore the doubt she felt in her heart.  What if he was right?  She did love Luke.  He was a good friend and he understood what she had lost.  He was kind and funny, but she quickly shook her head then, pushing the thoughts from her mind.  The idea was crazy and only born of confusion and the desire to have Ben back in her life.  At least that’s what she told herself.

“Friends,” he nodded slowly, his eyes breaking their gaze and staring down at the hardwood floor.  “Got it, pal,” he said sarcastically, a sad smirk spread across his face. He turned and took a few steps toward the hall, but then turned around and looked at her once more. “Um,” he began, his eyes looking past her, lost in thought. “I think I’m going to stay at my parent’s hou
se for a while.”

“What?” she exclaimed. “Why
?”

“I think it’s better for both of us.”

“No, it’s not,” she said quickly, suddenly terrified by the thought of him leaving.

“I’m not going to hang around and stand by when I know how we both feel.  I’ve been doing it since you started going out with Ben
in high school and I just can’t do it anymore.  I can’t watch you with
him
anymore,” he said gently, obviously referring to Jace.

“Don’t do this Luke.  Please,” she said as her eyes blurred with tears.

“Goodnight Kate.”

He didn’t even smile.  He just turned and walked to his room. As his figure faded into the distance, she wanted to run after him.  She hated that it to be this way between them.  She didn’t want to lose him, but now he was just walking away and she feared
it would be forever

****

She hardly slept that night.  She wanted so badly to go to Luke and beg him not to leave.  The thought of coming home to an empty apartment terrified her.  She didn’t want to be alone and if Luke left, she would be alone, truly alone, the thing she’d feared the most since Ben died.  She didn’t go to him though.  She knew only one thing would make him stay, and she couldn’t say it to him. 

She got up early to get Sarah ready to drop off at the Bradley’s so she could go to class.  She heard the shower running when she walked across the hall into Sarah’s room to wake her up.  She was sitting in her crib, looking around as if she’d been waiting for her mom to come get her. 

“Good morning my baby,” she said, grinning at Sarah and scooping her up and planting a big kiss on her cheek.  Sarah giggled and threw her arms around Kathryn. 
After changing Sarah’s diaper, they walked into the kitchen where Kathryn put Sarah in her highchair and poured her some Cheerios.  She got herself a bowl too and together, they ate their breakfast. 

When they were done, she put the dishes in the sink, picked up Sarah and headed back to Sarah’s room to get her dressed for the day.  She passed Luke’s room on the way and she glanced inside.  He was standing in a pair of jeans and a white undershirt by his bed.  His hair was still wet and she could smell the fresh scent of his aftershave.  He had a duffel bag on his bed and was putting clothes inside.  He was leaving, just as he told her he was last night.  Kathryn planned on walking by without saying anything to him, but Sarah had other plans.

“Luuuuke!” she called out to him.  He instantly turned around and smiled warmly at his niece. 

“Hey Sare Bear,” he said walking over and kissing her on the top of the head.  Sarah stretched for him and Kathryn handed her to Luke.

“So, uh, you’re really leaving,” Kathryn said quietly, motioning towards the bag.

“Yeah,” he said simply, not looking up from Sarah.

“Is this like…forever?” she asked and she could feel herself choking up. “Or are you coming back?”

He finally looked up at h
er and shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t know,” he replied.

“You don’t have to do this, ya know.  You could stay.  I want you to stay.”

He continued looking at her, as if pondering what to say.

“I can’t stay.  Not right now anyway.”

“But why?”

“I told you last night,” he sighed. “Even now as we’re standing here, all I can think about is kissing you,” he said quietly and his cheeks turned red from embarrassment.  Kathryn felt herself blush too.

“Kiss!” Sarah exclaimed reaching up and kissing Luke, who started laughing.

“That’s why I can’t stay.  I need some space right now.”

“For how long?” she demanded, knowing she had no right to do so.

“I don’t know,” he answered.

“This is going to kill her.  You know that, don’t you?” Kathryn choked out gesturing to Sarah.

“She was going to have to get used to me not being around all the time someday, and now’s as good a time as any,” he said quietly and then shook his head before adding. “This whole idea, of me moving in with you was ridiculous.  I realize that now.  This playing house thing did nothing but confuse Sarah when we were supposed to be helping her.”

“We weren’t playing house and it wasn’t ridiculous.  You saved me Luke.  It was
not
ridiculous,” she said as a few tears escaped, which she quickly wiped away with the back of her hand.

“Yes, it was, and now it’s time to stop,” he said handing Sarah back to her. “We weren’t kidding anybody but ourselves.  Pretending like everything would be okay, when all it’s done is screw everything up.” 

He stared at her once more for a second before turning and walking back to his bed.  He put a few more things into the duffel bag before closing it.  He picked it up and after throwing his backpack over his shoulder, brushed passed them and headed for the front door.  With Sarah still in her arms, she quickly followed him, the pit in her stomach growing bigger with each step.

“Wait Luke,” she said frantically as he was putting his hand on the doorknob. “What am I supposed to tell Sarah when she’s looking for you?  When she’s crying for you?”

He paused and the room was silent, but he didn’t turn around.

“Tell Sarah that her uncle’s a fool.”

And with that, he opened the door and walked out. 

She couldn’t shake her last conversation with Luke.  She kept hearing his words over and over in her head.  The apartment was so empty without him and she kept hoping she’d open the door and he’d be there.  She hadn’t even heard from him since he left, but it was all she could think about.  She’d picked up her phone a few times to call him, but she couldn’t do it. He’d made it perfectly clear he needed some space and she was going to give it to him.  She had to if she ever wanted him to come back…if she ever wanted their relationship back.

She walked into the apartment exhausted after class two days later, Sarah in one hand and her books in another.  She quickly dropped her backpack on the ground,
put Sarah down and then turned the TV on.  She didn’t know what she was watching and she didn’t care.  She just wanted the noise to drown out her thoughts and just as she was settling in, her phone rang.  She hoped it would be Luke, calling to tell her he was coming home, but then she saw it was Jace and a she felt a twinge of disappointment, which was quickly replaced with excitement. 

“Hey,” she greeted him.

“I just got out of class.  Mind if I come by?” he said enthusiastically. 

“Sure, just let yourself in.”

“Okay.  I’ll be right over.”

She got up from the couch and walked into the bathroom.  She quickly ran a brush through her blonde hair so it hung straight down her back.  She sprayed some vanilla body spray over her and popped in a piece of cinnamon gum.  She went back to the living room and sat down to play with Sarah while she waited for Jace. 

She didn’t have to wait long and a few minutes later, she heard the front door open and she turned to see him walking in.  She noticed he was grinning excitedly as he approached her.

“Hey kiddo,” he said sitting down next
to her and Sarah on the floor and ruffling Sarah’s hair before turning to Kathryn. “I’ve got something to tell you,” he said, still grinning. She looked over to him and felt her stomach flutter and for a moment, she forgot about the stress with Luke.  The negativity she’d been feeling ever since was now replaced with warmth and she couldn’t hold back her feelings.  She leaned over on her knees and playfully grabbed the collar of his black jacket and pulled her towards him, kissing him eagerly.

“That was quite a greeting,” he laughed when she released him a few moments later.

“I’m just happy to see you,” she said honestly. “Now what did you want to tell me?”

“Hold on a sec, while I catch my breath,” he joked and then held up a bright green piece of paper.

“What’s that?”

“I signed us up fo
r a 5K,” he smiled excitedly.

“You signed us up for a 5K?” she asked, her shock evident as she grabbed the paper from his hands and began reading over it.  By the time her eyes had finished scanning the paper, they were moist and she looked up at Jace, who was barely visible through the tears. “This run benefits brain injury research,” she said quietly.

“I know.  That’s why I signed us up.  You’re not mad, are you?” he asked and for the first time since walking in, his excitement seemed to be wavering, wondering if maybe he’d made a mistake.

“No, not at all.  I can’t believe you…you would want…I mean…it’s such a great cause,” she said smiling, but suddenly felt a pain in her heart knowing that even though they’d be helping to raise money for a cause that had touched her on such a personal level, it would do nothing to help bring Ben back.  It was too late for him.