All New Letters From a Nut (38 page)

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

FOND (Friends of Neil Diamond)
Box 3357
Hollywood, CA 90028

7/12/9

Dear Neil Diamond Fan Club,

I am a fan of NEIL DIAMOND and want to join ANYTHING about him. I work in a store that sells diamonds. It is called NEIL DIAMONDS. The owner’s name is NEAL PARMESAN. Coincidentally, NELL DIAMONDS is his wife. It is a weird world. How do I join the NEIL DIAMOND FAN CLUB?

Respect,

F. D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding the FRIENDS OF NEIL DIAMOND (FOND) Fan Club. Membership dues are $12.00 for the first year and $6.00 per year to renew. Outside the U.S.A., $16.00 for the first year ($30.00 if you want to receive your new member pack via airmail) and $8.00 per year to renew, in U.S. Dollars only. As a new member you will receive:

Once a member, you will receive several newsletters and a new photo each year. Unfortunately membership cannot aid in or guarantee availability of concert tickets or concert information. All tickets must be purchased through local ticket organizations.

As the president of FOND, I welcome you as a new member, as I am sure do all the other devoted FRIENDS. Thank you for your interest. If you would like to join FRIENDS OF NEIL DIAMOND, please send your check or money order payable to FRIENDS OF NEIL DIAMOND to the following address:

We look forward to your membership.

Sincerely,

Jo Michaels
President

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1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Information
SHAQUILLE O’NEAL FAN CLUB
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS BASKETBALL TEAM
1 Center Court -
Cleveland, OH 44115–4001

11/30/2009

Dear Cleveland Cavaliers Basketball Team:

I want to join the SHAQUILLE O’NEAL FAN CLUB. I work in a restaurant called SHAQUILLE O’VEAL. The owner’s name is O’NEAL PICATA.

Also what would be the best way to buy season tickets as i am moving to Cleveland soon? Do you sell Garden Gnomes?

Thank you.

Respectfully.

F. D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 KENNETH RD. #193
Glendale, CA 91201
[email protected]

Costume Information
Everbest (Qingdao) Company
Room 601, 19 Xiang Gang Xi Road,
Qingdao Shandong
China 266071

8/3/2009

Dear Everbest (Qingdao) Company,

I am am interested in buying a costume.

I do an act called: OWL CAPONE.

This is me and my owl dressed up like Al Capone with a cigar and a fedora. We act out the 1920’s Chicago beer wars.

I go around the country to fairs and events & cruise ships with my owl dressed like a gangster and put on a show. “Al” (my owl) puffs a cigar. (not real). He wears a striped suit and spats on his feet. I feed him from the buffet.

Do you have tiny gangster costumes? Smallish spats?

I can show you a photo of Owl Capone if you like. He does look like Al Capone (or at least like James Caan) Has been mistaken for the volatile actor.

I look forward to your reply with rates.

Respectfully,