All New Letters From a Nut (46 page)

P.O. BOX 470
NAMPA, IDAHO 83653
AREA CODE 208–466–4627

Ted L. Nancy
Meat Chair Committee
560 No. Moorpark Road #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Dear Mr. Nancy;

The Nampa plant slaughters and processes beef for the retail markets.

I’m sorry to say that we do not make bologna or any ready to eat items at this plant. Our primary products are butcher block beef cuts and trimmings for ground beef.

I think that you may have the measurements wrong. A bologna 59 feet by 22 feet would weigh 60,000 lbs.

We wish you luck.

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201
[email protected]

Administration
CAMBODIA TOURIST BOARD
#262 Monivong Blvd,
Khan Daun Penh, Phnom Penh,
Kingdom of Cambodia
[email protected]

Aug 15, 2009

Dear CAMBODIA TOURISM OFC,

What a pleasure it is to write to you and praise one of your citizens of Cambodia. I would like to single out a citizen of your country for what i consider to be a great act to me. I have singled him out here in Glendale. He told me his name was Bineesh Chong. Can you find him and tell him i would like to donate money to the peoples of Cambodia for what he did.

I had an incident and this courages young man Chong came to my distress.

Incident: I pulled a barrel of shellack onto me by mistake while answering a cell phone call. I was COMPLETELY ENCASED IN VARNISH. mr. “Bineesh” poked a hole in my mouth with his bic pen for me to breathe. Then he placed me in a barrel of goo swabee which he said would soften me. (he called it Gixm or gimoo) Then Mr Bineesh Chong. carried me around over his head to get circulation in my limbs. BINEEESH CHONG IS A STUPENDOUS CAMBODIAN!!!

I want to leave a large donation to your country for this act of what I consider beyond and above and to the complete top of what is called for in the beyond & above called for world. If this was real estate he would be in the platinum gold circle class. (of which I am in) Can you let me know:

Bineesh Chong was praised and a certificate may be issued My large donation will be accepted (can make it to a Cambodia cause)

I look forward to your reply.

With respect for your peoples,

F.D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

MailBox: PRAISE

Subject
        Re: Praise Citizen

Sent Date
        08–16–2009 3:07:12 AM

From
        “info TC” <
[email protected]
>

To
        “FRED NANCY” <
[email protected]
>

Dear F.D. Nancy

Please take a flight to Cambodia, then there will alot of opportunities for you to make any donations.

Regards

JACK - Director of Marketing and Promotion Department

Tourism Cambodia - The official Travel and Tourist Information Center
#262D, Monivong blvd, Phnom Penh, Camnbodia.
Tel: +(855 23) 212221 / 218585 Fax: +(855 23) 222801 Email:
[email protected]
Website:
www.tourismcambodia.com

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Certificate of Achievement

The International Fabricare Institute commends

BINEESH CHONG Cleaners

for achieving and maintaining a high standard

of
UNSHELLACKING
AL ESTATE solvent quality.

February 6, 2007

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Entertainment Tickets
MONTE CARLO HOTEL
3770 Las Vegas Boulevard South
Las Vegas, NV 89109

Jan 16, 2010

Dear Monte Carlo Hotel:

Can you please help me? I want to change the seating on my tickets for your afternoon show:

“GARY WENT BERSERK AND TORE UP A LAUNDROMAT”

This is for Feb 19, 2010. This is the lighthearted European comedy romp starring Sergio Valente & Sebastian Cabot. With a special appearance by Kchuck Kardashian.

I received tickets from you and my check for $122.00 was cashed. I was told if I had to make changes to write you. I am afraid my seats are too far back and I cannot get up that steep of a walkaway as I’ll slide back. When i called they said to write with my info. There are 4 in our group including team leader Boniva Rodriguez.

Thank you. The Monte Carlo is one of the finest hotels and we always visit and eat and gamble when we are in Las Vegas monthly. Surprisingly two in our group is named Monte & Carlo. Your Aqua Dragon Noodle Restaurant and your BBQ pork buns is a treat for our group! Everyone yums ’em up. We will continue to do so and look forward to a wonderful matinee performance of this afternoon whimsical German play.

I look forward to better seats. I am a gold standard Monte Carlo Players member with silver platinum Venti card club rewards.

Respectfully

F.D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

TED L. NANCY
560 No. Moorpark Rd. Apt #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Sep 6, 1999

Customer Service Dept.
JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGES
8000 Centerview Parkway #400
Cordova, TN 38018

Dear Jimmy Dean Meat Co.,

I am a long time eater of your “Jimmy Dean Tastefuls.” This is the Oreos, ham, and Fritos combination. I eat it a lot. Hail Jimmy Dean! It’s a midnight snack to many of us here without having to go to the vending machine after a bowlful. Jimmy, you spoke to me with your Tastefuls. I heard you loud & clear. I see your vision. I am a believer! Hail Jimmy Dean! Hare Krishna Rama Rama!

A foreign clerk told me of your new snack called “JIMMY DEAN’S IN BETWEENS.” These are between meal snacks. I believe it is mashed potatoes, Brachs bridge mix, and pie filling. I want it!

Jimmy Dean is the best singer and sausage maker out there. Big Bad John!

Just wanted you to know I got a mouth full of Tasefuls now. How do i get it out? Mouthwash won’t do it. I taste a lot of ham.

Thank you. I look forward to my reply.

Sincerely,