America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 1: Feeling Lucky (11 page)

“
I never thought of that,” I
said. “So, I have 600 credits that says you can’t beat
me.”

“
You’re on,” said #97
greedily.

Like #96, I taught #97 how to play poker,
blackjack, and craps. We played for two days straight. It went up
and down, but I took 7,000 credits from him.

“
I feel really bad about
taking all your money #97,” I said, finally. We were both
exhausted.

“
You lie,” #97 replied. “I
think you and #96 conspired to trick me somehow.”

“
No, that is not true,” I
said. “In fact, I consider you to be my friend.”

“
You lie so poorly,” he
repeated.

“
I do feel bad about taking
your 7,000 credits. And to prove my remorse, I will give you back
5,000 credits. All you have to do is one little favor.”

“
What favor?” #97 asked, now
suspicious.

“
There are negotiations
going on with the United States Galactic Federation in regards to
the truce. Right?”

“
Yes, that is common
knowledge. So what?” asked #97.

I handed #97 a sealed letter. “Give this
letter to one of the human negotiators.”

“
I will not commit treason,”
said #97.

“
You won’t be committing
treason. You can read the letter if you want. Have it translated.
It’s just a request for the negotiators to press for human doctors
to be allowed to sew my hand back on to my wrist. You know humans
can’t grow back our limbs?” I asked.

“
I have heard that,”
answered #97. “But it’s against the rules.”

“
Gambling with a prisoner is
against the rules too, but everyone does it. It’s just a small
matter. You know, I think #15 wouldn’t be too happy if he found out
you had been gambling with me. But I wouldn’t tell because I am not
a snitch and because you are my friend. I hate officers too.
Besides, you know #15 won’t allow my letter to go out simply
because he is an asshole. Everyone knows that. Even #96 says so,
right?” I asked. “What kind of officer would let someone’s hand be
cut off and not sewed back on?”

“
Well yes, he is an asshole.
It’s true. Everyone knows that. I guess there would be no harm if I
slipped the letter to a cousin who can slip it to one of the human
negotiators. You better believe I will have the letter translated
and checked for code before I do,” said #97.

“
I have no problem with
that,” I responded as I gave #97 5,000 credits. “Just don’t let #15
know about the letter.”

When #97 left, he was relieved by #96. The
spider guard was anxious to resume gambling, but I went to sleep
for eight hours. When I woke, I ate a hearty breakfast of powdered
eggs and spam, and used the toilet facilities. Finally we started
gambling. I took all his money, about 10,000 credits. I even got my
ruby back. After I cleaned out #96, he just kind of slumped
listless against the wall.

“
Cheer up,” I said. “Because
you are my friend I’ll give most of your credits back.
Okay?”

“
Really?’ said #96,
brightening.

“
Sure. I’ll give you 7,000
credits back if you buy me a music radio, a TV, and a refrigerator.
And if there are any credits left over you can keep the change as a
fee for a good deed done,” I suggested.

After doing some quick calculations, #96
apparently decided he’d make out like a bandit if he acquired the
items used. “I agree,” he said.

In the next few weeks, I cleaned out several
more spider guards and acquired all sorts of good stuff, including
a new bed, lots of good food, including steaks, computer access,
reading materials, the works. Finally #97 rotated back for guard
duty. He stopped gambling. He acted moody, like a stick in the mud
most of the time.

“
Good morning, #97,” I
said.

“
Whatever,” he
responded.

“
I want you to bring me a
radio,” I stated.

#97 looked over at my music radio playing
some weird spider tune and asked, “What’s wrong with the radio
you’ve got? It seems to be playing just fine.”

“
I want you to bring me a
radio I can use talk to the Seventh Fleet,” I clarified.

“
You’re requesting to buy a
broadcast radio?” asked #97 incredulously. “Don’t you understand
that is impossible? It would violate security!”

“
It is you who does not
understand. I’m not asking you to get me a radio. I am telling you
to get a radio! Get me a long-range narrow beam directional
broadcast radio now!” I said.

“
Impossible. You are being
impossible,” he stuttered.

“
You delivered a letter for
me to Seventh Fleet. What do you think #15’s reaction to that would
be if he found out you delivered that letter? Even better, what
would #14’s reaction be? A firing squad, maybe? Compared to that,
what is one little radio? Besides, I won’t snitch on you. I’m not a
snitch. I am your friend.”

“
Please, don’t tell #15.
Can’t we work this out?” #97 pleaded. “I just can’t give you a
radio. What if it is found?”

“
If the radio is found, I’ll
just say #96 gave it to me. He’s a prick, anyway. Right? He says
you’re an idiot. He hates you. Look, I’m your friend. But to show
I’m not heartless, I’ll give you 10,000 credits for your risk. But
you
will
get me
that broadcast radio. You have no choice. Your life is on the line.
Am I making myself clear?”

“
Yes. I’ll get your
broadcast radio.”

“
That’s more like it,” I
said. “Now get out of here. From now on you can watch me from the
other side of the door. I need my privacy. It’s a human
thing.”

A few days later, #97 confessed all of his
sins to #15. I did not get the long range broadcast radio I wanted.
What I got was a new room (cell) that had no bed, no blankets, no
table, no amenities, and no toilet. All the room had was a hole in
the cement floor that flushed once in a while when the guards had a
mind to flick the flush switch. There was no toilet paper, no sink,
no shower, and no lighting other than what came through a small
window in the door. I think I pissed someone off. I heard that
nothing happened to #97 other than a good ass-chewing and some
remedial training. However, all the guards were replaced. The new
guards rarely talked to me. They fed me yummy goo food in a tube.
After about a month, I made a noose out of my shirt and pretended
to try to hang myself. That got their attention. They took all my
clothes from me. Not my best move, but it seemed like a good idea
at the time. I thought about throwing feces through the door
window, but thought that might be considered an assault and a
violation of my agreement. So, I just sat and waited. Finally a new
spider visited me, an elderly, scholarly looking spider wearing eye
glasses and lugging a brief case. He set up a table at my opened
door, set some papers out on the table, and asked me how I was
doing.

“
I’m not good,” I answered.
“You look like a lawyer.”

“
Correct, but not just any
lawyer. I am
your
lawyer. Introductions are in order. I am your defense
attorney, and Officer of the Court #2,” he added.

“
So now they’ve gotten
around to providing me a free public defender?” I asked. “It’s
about time. Can you get me some clothes? It gets cold in here at
night.”

“
Free? Absolutely not,
Lieutenant Czerinski. Nothing is free. Especially here. Appointed?
Most certainly. I tried to get out of this appointment, but it was
my turn. The mere sight of you makes my shell shiver,” said #2.
“The war crimes you are accused of and undoubtedly are guilty of
make you a creature without any possibility of
redemption.”

“
I’m not feeling the love
here,” I responded. “So, if your services aren’t free, who is
picking up the tab?”

“
The ruby I found in your
property made a nice retainer. The substantial credits you acquired
gambling with your guards will pay for most of my services at the
criminal trial. I will work on a percentage basis when it comes to
the civil part of the trial. I expect we will easily win our
lawsuit for excessive use of force against a prisoner. Of course
you probably won’t live to spend any court awarded credits when you
are sentenced to death on charges of murder, genocide, terrorism,
abuse of prisoners, custodial assault, looting, crimes against
decency and civilization – eating the families of Habitat #40 –
theft, and custodial gambling. The upside is, I will still be able
to recoup substantial fees for services, time, and percentage,”
said #2 gleefully.

“
I want another attorney,
preferably a human attorney.”

“
Sorry, you are stuck with
me. Humans aren’t allowed to go where we are going. The sooner you
get used to that fact, the sooner we can work together on your
defense,” said #2. “Through the court-mandated discovery process, I
have reviewed all of the computer downloads, messages, and data on
your identification card. I also reviewed all helmet camera and
audio recordings that the prosecution will be using against you.
The evidence seems overwhelming. I suggest an insanity defense.
Your attempted suicide seems to support a diagnosis of mental
instability, although video camera recordings indicate you still
know the difference between right and wrong. What do you have to
say for yourself?”

“
I plead ignorance. This is
all just a big misunderstanding. I couldn’t tell the difference
between military and civilian spiders, young and old spiders, and
fighting and surrendering spiders because of the differences in our
species’ appearances, language, and culture. And I am not crazy,” I
insisted. “I just pretended to attempt suicide to get someone’s
attention. I need my clothes back or I
will
go crazy.”

“
You are making a
presentable defense most difficult. How can I support an insanity
defense if you say you were faking your suicide attempt?” #2 asked.
“And I’m sorry, but murder, genocide, and refusing to take
prisoners cannot be explained away because of cultural
differences.”

“
That is my argument,” I
insisted.

“
In that case, you will be
transported to our home world’s capital, tried for war crimes, and
most certainly executed,” warned #2.

CHAPTER 12

Year 2215. Military base #49, near Capital
City #1 of the Arthropoda Empire.

Approximate computer translation of
Transcript of the Public Trial of Lieutenant Joey R. Czerinski, of
The United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion, on charges
of: Murder, Genocide, Terrorism, Prisoner Abuse, Custodial Assault,
Criminal Conspiracy, Looting, Crimes Against Civilization and
Decency (Eating the Families of Habitat #40), Theft, Custodial
Gambling, and Extortion.

Direct examination by Prosecutor Officer #1,
of Intelligentsia & State Security Officer #14:

#1: Do you recognize the defendant,
Lieutenant Joey. R. Czerinski, also known as The Butcher of Planet
#6, which the human pestilence calls New Colorado?

#2: Objection Your Excellency, the
prosecution is being inflammatory before even presenting any
evidence.

JUDGE: Sustained. The prosecution will
refrain from referring to the human pestilence as The Butcher of
New Colorado.

#2: Your Excellency, I also object to my
client, Lieutenant Czerinski, being naked. Lieutenant Czerinski
says being naked makes him extremely uncomfortable, and I believe
it interferes with his ability to aid me in presenting an adequate
defense.

#1: Lieutenant Czerinski fashioned his shirt
into a noose and attempted suicide. His clothes were taken to
prevent future suicide attempts. The defendant may still be
suffering from mental illness.

#2: Lieutenant Czerinski says he was faking
the suicide attempt in order to gain attention to his stark living
conditions – no bed or bedding, no toilet, no sink, no shower ...
the list goes on and on.

JUDGE: If we error, it is better to error on
the side of safety. I will not tell custodial staff how to do their
job. In light of his prior suicide attempt, the defendant will not
be given back his clothes.

#2: Your Excellency, there are also the
potential political ramifications of depriving Lieutenant Czerinski
clothing. This trial is being broadcast live not only to our
public, but also to the human public. If human taboos concerning
nudity enrage the humans’ sensibilities, it might interfere with
ongoing truce negotiations. Do we want to risk a longer war?

JUDGE: It was the military’s decision to
broadcast this trial. They can choose at any time to pull the plug
on transmitting. It is not for the court to tell the military what
the political consequences of their transmissions may be. Motion
denied, again. Witness, answer the question.

#14: I first met Lieutenant Czerinski when he
and the other human pestilence in his platoon were captured and
brought to the detention center on Planet #6. I searched and
interviewed them.

#1: With what results?

#14: In their backpacks I found the partially
eaten legs and arms of juveniles. DNA testing linked these body
parts to missing juveniles, families, babies, and soldiers from
habitat #40. That habitat had been destroyed by two nuclear
explosions the day before. A search of the human pestilence also
found 329 identification crystals from the residents of Habitat
#40, three identification crystals from tunnel guard soldiers, and
one crystal from a shock troop commando.