“No, no.” Dustin shook his head. “It’s okay. I understand. It wasn’t what you wanted.”
Kyle lifted the beer to his lips again and looked away. “Right.” The word didn’t sound convincing. “I thought you were closeted. How come they know?”
Dustin turned his head and watched his friends at the bar as he answered. “Angela figured it out somehow, months ago—I don’t think I come off as very gay, so I’m not sure how she knew. I told Jason last night. I was depressed and figured it was time.” He looked at Kyle, then quickly down to his coffee.
“Depressed? Because of me, right? Sorry.”
Dustin shook his head. “Like I said, it’s okay.”
Kyle reached out and poked Dustin’s knee. The casual touch sent a jolt of electricity through him. “It’s not okay. I feel terrible for the way I treated you.”
Dustin smiled. “So, where are you at now? With this, with us? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
Kyle crossed his arms and leaned back, stealing a quick glance to ensure they weren’t about to be interrupted. Dustin had trouble reading the body language, but it didn’t seem good so far.
“Pretty much the same as before. I think I take back my ‘no contact’ request because, well, let’s face it, I like you. But I don’t want it to go beyond that.” His eyes scanned around once more and his voice went very soft. “Like I said on Saturday, I don’t want to fall in love with you.”
The words hurt like a blow to the chest, but he struggled to maintain neutral. He wanted to hear them days ago, told himself many times if he couldn’t have Kyle as a hookup buddy or more, he would be content to have him as a friend, but the offer turned out to be difficult to accept, though he wasn’t sure why. He wondered if the admission of mutual feelings made it harder. If he knew Kyle felt nothing romantic or lustful for him, perhaps he could accept the limit of friendship more readily.
“Are you...going to be okay with that?” Kyle asked.
Dustin took a breath before answering. “I’m going to have to be, aren’t I?”
Jason and Angela returned to the table, each with a drink in hand.
“Did we miss anything good?” Jason asked.
“No,” Dustin replied quickly. “I’m thinking of calling it a night, though. I’m tired.”
Jason and Angela exchanged a slight frown, but quickly covered it up. Kyle, too, seemed a bit distraught. His crestfallen expression only hurt Dustin more—Kyle cared about him, but he wasn’t ready to admit it publicly.
“Yeah,” Dustin continued. “Sorry. It’s been a long day.”
“All right.” Jason drew the phrase out, reluctance ringing in his tone. “I’ll see you later, buddy.”
“See you around, Dustin,” Kyle said.
“Right.” Dustin tried not to sound too skeptical.
Angela gave him a small wave and he stepped out into the cold, dark night. As soon as he’d locked the door on his dorm room, he threw himself down on his bed, not bothering to turn on the light.
Dustin wasn’t sure what he expected when Kyle walked in, but it wasn’t an attitude of indifference. He would have been able to handle anger or hatred from Kyle better than indifference. With hatred or anger, Dustin could just shrug him off and walk away. But with indifference, he was trapped in no-man’s-zone with no clear exit.
The door clicked as it opened, the light from the hall casting two shadow figures against the wall Dustin faced.
Jason and Angela.
“Dustin?” Angela called out softly. “Are you awake?”
He thought about feigning being asleep, but instead grunted in answer.
“Good. We want to talk.” Jason flicked on the light and Dustin hid his head under his pillow. He realized he looked like a petulant child, but didn’t care—he preferred the darkness. He deserved it.
Dustin heard the other bed creak as someone sat on it, and his own bed rocked as the other person—presumably Angela—sat next to his sprawled-out body.
“First, we want to apologize,” Angela said. “We’re sorry for blind-siding you.”
“It’s okay,” Dustin mumbled. “As we established, I would have chickened out, but I would have saved some face, I guess, given the option.”
A hand—definitely Angela’s—patted his side gently. “I don’t think it went as bad as you seem to think it did.”
Dustin scoffed.
“He likes you, buddy. That’s definitely clear,” Jason said.
“Were we even in the same pub? He turned away from me most of the time and ignored me unless I asked him a direct question.”
“And how do you act around someone you’re attracted to, but also intimidated by?”
Dustin wanted to believe they were leading him somewhere valid, but he also didn’t want to get his hopes up, only to be promptly dashed.
“Angela,” Jason said, “tell him about how I treated you.”
She chuckled softly as her hand rested on Dustin’s arm. “Jason? Jason avoided all eye contact and refused to say more than a few words to me. I thought he hated me. I couldn’t figure out what I did to deserve such scorn. But, as I later learned, he didn’t hate me. He loved me so much he didn’t know what to do.”
“I blushed at the very sight of her—how could I hope to construct a whole sentence in her presence, much less a discussion? I focused on avoiding making a bad impression or getting hurt, I ended up making a bigger mess of it.” Jason’s voice went soft as he got lost in memories.
“So,” Dustin said, “you’re saying he’s so flustered, ignoring me was his only option?”
“We all know it’s not so simple, Dustin,” Angela said. “You told us he’s not out yet, so added complication there. Subtle signs say he’s deeply attracted to you—his eyes widen when he looks at you, his posture changes, his cheeks darken—but he’s either so attracted that he’s flustered and can’t make a move or he’s not ready to come out and it’s holding him back.”
“Most likely, it’s both of those,” Jason said.
Silence fell as Dustin thought over their points. “You’re sure he likes me?”
“Definitely, buddy.”
“Absolutely,” Angela said. “And you didn’t tell us he’s so handsome. It looks like you got yourself a real prize there.”
Dustin sighed as he finally pulled his head out from under the pillow, though he still stared at the wall. “He’s not mine yet. He still wants nothing more than friendship and I think even that’s a stretch.”
“More proof he likes you, if you ask me,” Angela said. “But he’s scared at the same time, so he’s trying to protect his heart, he’s putting up walls. To deny his feelings and to deny you is an easier choice for him than taking a risk with you.”
“Twice now he’s told me he didn’t want to fall in love with me. He said it Saturday and again tonight.”
“It’s those walls again. He knows if he doesn’t put them up that he very likely
will
fall head over heels in love with you, assuming he hasn’t already.”
“So...what do I do? He has feelings for me, but doesn’t want to pursue them. He’s explicitly said he wants nothing more than a friendship.”
“Dustin, his words may have been saying one thing, but his body language said an entirely different thing. We watched you when we went for drinks—he is incredibly in to you,” Angela said. “I think you need to make a move. What do you think, Jason?”
“I say go for it, buddy. He shut the door, but then opened it a tiny bit. I think, whether he realizes it or not, he’s hoping you’ll come knocking. What’s the worst that could happen? He’d close the door on you again? He’s done that once and you got through it. You can get through it again. And, if he does, then you finally shake yourself free of him and go look for someone else.”
Dustin could never argue when Jason brought out his thoughtful and wise side. He finally rolled over and looked at his two friends. “All right, I’ll make one last appeal. But I don’t know how or when or what to say.”
“Just say whatever’s in your heart. Don’t over think it—say what comes to you. Speak the truth and you won’t regret anything,” Angela advised.
“I know his roommate. We’re on the basketball team together. We’ve got a practice tomorrow after dinner, so his roommate will be gone, though there’s no guarantee Kyle will be home.”
His heart thudded in his chest. In just a few minutes, he went from depressed and hopelessly alone to nervous and excited about a game plan to win Kyle’s love. Part of him feared yet another rejection, but it was overwhelmed by the much larger part of him that was ecstatic that this second chance had come by.
“Okay, I’ll do it. If Kyle’s home tomorrow, I’ll profess my love and try to win him over.” Mere days ago he would never have even conceived of the possibility of love, yet now he plotted his last-ditch attempt at wooing the man of his dreams.
Eleven
Tuesday
The bulk of Tuesday zoomed by. Dustin expected it to crawl by, full of nervousness and anxiety over what the evening would bring, and he would have preferred it that way. He barely slept all night and managed to eat only a little bit of food. Exhausted and very low on energy, he felt like his gut writhed, full of worms.
As arranged, he received a text from Jason shortly after seven, confirming Kyle’s roommate showed up at basketball practice, leaving only the unanswered question of whether or not Kyle was in his room. Warring sides within Dustin hoped for both outcomes. If he was home, then Dustin could lay it all out and get it over with...and gain either his love or scorn in return. If he wasn’t home, then Dustin wouldn’t have to go through the intense stress of that discussion...but he would remain unhealthily stressed until he finally scrounged up the courage to try again.
Dustin easily navigated his way to Kyle’s room. Since no one loitered in the hall, he stood outside the door to collect his thoughts, slow his rapid breath, and straighten his shirt and jeans to perfect alignment...anything to delay knocking for a few seconds more.
Finally, he raised his hand to knock.
“Just a second.” Kyle’s voice sounded faint through the wood door.
An immense cold flushed through Dustin and he fought against a sudden urge to just flat-out run. But if he didn’t do this now, he would never get it done.
Again, he fought an urge to run and hide. Then the door clicked as the handle turned and the time to flee vanished. A confusing mix of emotion flitted over Kyle’s face, before he settled into a look of neutrality Dustin couldn’t quite read.
“Hi, Dustin.” Kyle’s body language closed off as he crossed his arms and leaned against his doorframe, essentially barring him from the room.
“Hi. Can I...can I come in?”
“Uh...” Kyle glanced up and down the deserted hallway. “Sure.” Kyle rushed Dustin in and closed the door.
All day Dustin ran through hundreds of different opening lines, searching for the perfect one...only to find the perfect one didn’t exist. Anything he said, no matter how carefully he planned, would sound inadequate. Now, in the room with Kyle with the door closed behind them, he still fought an urge to run.
Dustin decided to just say whatever came to him and began. “I don’t know how to say this, Kyle, other than just coming out with it. This thing that’s been building between us...I’ve never experienced it with anyone before, ever. Although it’s new to me, I can name it, I can label it. I’m in love with you, Kyle. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you. I feel this so deeply and so strongly, I came out to my roommate. I was sure I’d be in the closet my entire life and I was happy to be there, but one week of tutoring and a few other chance meetings with you and everything suddenly changed. I...I feel happier when I’m with you...I feel at peace. I don’t know what you feel for me or where you’re at, but I know you have
some
feelings for me.”
As Dustin spoke, the blood drained from Kyle’s face, leaving him pale, turning his neutral expression ever so slightly into one of fear. Dustin’s mind whirred, wondering at the cause of the fear, since many options seemed possible.
Fear of hurting me with a rejection? Fear of facing himself and pursuing his feelings? Fear of something else? Fear of everything?
Kyle’s mouth opened and closed a couple times, a small croak coming out. Dustin’s nerves were at a breaking point and he couldn’t stand the uncertainty, but he also couldn’t stand Kyle’s approaching answer for fear of what it might be.
“I came on too strong,” Dustin said, suddenly. In the analytical part of his mind, he knew he talked to fill the void and, by apologizing, he took the edge off of his own proclamations. “I’m sorry. I just, I just find myself so flustered in your presence. I’m sorry if I came on too strong.”
“No.” Kyle managed to make his mouth work again. “No, you don’t have to apologize.”
Silence invaded again. What did he mean? Dustin’s nerves drove him to babble on.
“Listen, I know you’re not even sure of who you are and I know you might be straighter than I think, than I hope. Whatever. I know you don’t want to come out. I’m not pushing for those things. I’m asking you to approach this with an open mind, free of labels.
“I like you, Kyle. I like you a lot. I know you like me—you said so last night. I don’t know if you love me, or if you will ever love me. But if you like me and our time together makes you happy, doesn’t it make sense to at least spend some time together to see what happens? It might lead to nowhere and fizzle out before we know it or it might lead to something exciting and wonderful.”