Kyle stepped backward, back into the flow of his own shower. “I don’t want this to go anywhere, Dustin. I...I don’t want to fall in love with you. I’m—I’m not—I can’t...I just...” Kyle slammed the shower knob, shutting off his water. “I’m sorry.” He grabbed his towel and hurried out of the shower area and back to the lockers, leaving a trail of wet footprints.
Dustin turned to face the wall, leaning his forehead against the cold, smooth tile, disgusted. Following his urges, his heart, only led to hurt and very likely destroyed any chance of any type of relationship with Kyle. A simple friendship? Definitely off the table, now. Continuation of their tutoring? Questionable.
Trying to live outside the closet, even with just his toes outside, destroyed everything. He’d been happy in the closet, content pretending the closeness of another human being—of another man—wasn’t something he needed, craved. He’d been sated with anonymous, meaningless hookups.
He slammed the flat of his fist against the wall, hoping the smack of hurt in his hand would quell the rising upset stirring deep in his gut.
He’d fucked up. The potential for a good thing slipped from his grasp because he went too far too fast. He’d gone against his better judgment and screwed everything up.
He spun the tap and shut off the hot water. In seconds, he shivered under the stream of frigid water, embracing the punishment he’d forced upon himself.
Thoroughly clean, humiliated, and frozen, Dustin shut off the rest of the water, grabbed his towel, and stalked back to his locker. Kyle was already long gone. He threw on his clothes, slammed his locker closed, and marched out into the cold night. His still-wet hair sucked all heat out of him as the winter wind blasted through the air. He shivered violently.
His phone vibrated angrily at him. He yanked it out of his pocket and glared at the email sitting in his inbox.
Dustin,
I feel I cannot be your tutor anymore. You know why. I have assigned a new tutor to you. She will email you by Monday afternoon.
Kyle
P.S. I think it’s best if we do not see each other again. Please respect my wishes.
Dustin’s gym bag fell from his shoulder, slumping onto the sidewalk. His knees gave out and he sat next to the bag, bewildered, depressed, bitter. The cold from the pavement penetrated through the seat of his jeans, combining with his wet head to chill him to the core.
It felt like his heart weakened. He leaned backward, head resting on his bag, and stared up into the cloudless night sky. The moon shone bright and stars twinkled.
A tear collected in the corner of his eye and rolled down his cheek.
Until this week, he thought he knew what he wanted, but Kyle came along and he discovered he knew nothing. He knew now. He knew what he wanted—what he needed.
Kyle.
All he wanted, needed, craved...loved...was Kyle.
And he lost it all.
Nine
Sunday
Dustin woke up alone in his dorm room. Jason probably warmed Angela’s bed, a blessing since right now he wasn’t sure if he could handle social interaction with another human being.
He’d made such a disaster of his situation with Kyle, he wanted to lie around and mope. After freezing near to death last night lying on the pavement, he eventually picked himself up and shambled back into his empty dorm. Dropping everything upon entering, he shed his clothes and lay under the covers, shutting himself off from the world and, he wished, from the pain in his heart.
After only a few minutes of being awake, he decided he’d had too much daylight. He pulled the blanket over his head to shut out the world.
On the windowsill above the head of his bed, his phone rattled as it vibrated. Instinctively, his hand snuck out from the pile of blankets and grabbed it, bringing it into his cave of seclusion.
A text from Kevin.
Still on for today?
Dustin forgot his plan to meet Kevin for coffee and possibly some “fun” in his hostel room afterward.
I think I need to cancel,
Dustin texted back.
Last night was super crappy and I just want to wallow in my misery.
Before he could flick off his phone and tuck it under his pillow, he caught sight of his email icon, which brought back an immediate memory of Kyle’s devastating message. His phone vibrated again and a reply text from Kevin popped up.
Aww...that sucks. I think we should still meet, maybe talking out whatever happened will help.
The unsaid continuation of his text was, “And then maybe you’ll feel up to sex.” Kevin was always horny for sex, but fun and discreet, which explained Dustin giving him his personal contact info for repeat regular hookups.
Dustin thought long and hard before replying. He knew if he didn’t meet Kevin, he’d just spend the whole day in bed, depressed, which would then spill over into Monday. If he went out, his mind might lighten its load, even just a little bit. The last thing he wanted was to emerge from the blankets, but he knew it would be the best thing for him. He groaned inwardly and tapped out a reply.
Okay, maybe coffee will help. Not sure about anything after, though. Where do you want to meet?
Moments later, the name and address of a coffee shop popped up. If he showered and got dressed now, he could make it for noon.
He ended up taking a very long shower, spending several minutes standing under the stream, staring at the wall, remembering the good part of yesterday, but those good memories were tainted by the bad ending. Eventually, he managed to get dressed and catch a bus.
He didn’t want to admit it, but his mood brightened ever so slightly with exposure to sunlight and fresh air. And as he rode the bus and neared the coffee shop, his mood lifted a bit more at the prospect of seeing a friend around whom he didn’t have to play-act and be someone he’s not.
As he walked into the café, he saw Kevin immediately, with his loose, dark jeans and green hoodie. His light Asian features and dark-rimmed glasses added just the slightest hint of exoticness to him, which always appealed to Dustin.
“Hey, Kevin.”
“Hi, Dustin,” Kevin said, his voice soft and gentle.
A petite waitress came up and took their orders, hurrying behind the coffee bar to make the drinks.
“So what’s got you so blue?” Kevin jumped right in.
Dustin squinted his eyes, unsure how deep to go. He knew Kevin a little bit, but mostly in the context of some naked fun. Their discussions rarely ventured beyond “Are you close?” He knew they shared some interests, mostly in the realm of movies and books, but he still didn’t exactly know him. However, Dustin didn’t have any one else to talk this out with.
“I think I’m in love,” he said, finally, not wanting to make eye contact but also unable to look away.
“Whoa...what happened to staying in the closet?”
“I, uh, didn’t plan this.”
“So...who is he?”
“A maybe-straight-maybe-bi jock I met online.”
“So you,” Kevin leaned in, whispering, “sucked his cock?”
Typical Kevin, obsessed with all things sex.
“It started that way, in a library washroom, of all places, but then I got to know him as a person...through some weird coincidence, he ended up becoming my math tutor.”
“That’s not love, dude,” Kevin said. “He probably just wants his dick blown when his girlfriend isn’t giving it to him.”
Dustin wanted to leap in with a protest of how this was different, but knew it could sound desperate. He chose his words carefully.
“There’s an...energy there I’ve never felt with another guy. And I get the sense he’s not quite straight—how gay he is, I don’t know, but I would say he is to some degree.”
Kevin’s facial features subtly shifted, as if he finally took Dustin seriously. “Do you think he feels the same way as you?”
The waitress placed their drinks on the table. Dustin carefully sipped his cappuccino, trying to avoid a foam moustache, which gave him a moment to think before answering.
“He definitely feels lust for me.” Dustin remembered the gym shower, a detail he decided not to share with Kevin. “It’s hard to say what he thinks or what he feels. I would like to say he feels something for me, something deeper than lust, but it could just be my wishful thinking.”
“Wow.” Kevin leaned back in his chair with his latte in his hands. “So what’s got you so down? Most people are happy when they’re in love.”
Memories of the attempted kiss flooded back, of Kyle almost running from the showers, of the dreaded email he received on his way home...
“He doesn’t want to see me again. He cut off all contact.”
Kevin blinked several times. “Did he say why?”
“Let’s just say things started getting a bit too hot between us and it became too much for him.” He ran through the sequence of events in the shower in his mind. “One of the last things he said was, ‘I don’t want to fall in love with you.’”
Kevin took another sip from his drink. “When we first started meeting for sex, we agreed we were against relationships. Sex only, no love. You were in the closet, I was in the closet, and we both wanted to stay there and not emerge.” There seemed to be a quiet anger to his words.
“Are you...jealous?”
“No,” Kevin replied immediately, too quickly. “I’m confused by this sudden change. You were against a relationship and now you’re pining for some random jock you blew in a dingy washroom!”
Dustin scanned the semi-empty café to see if Kevin’s raised voice attracted any attention. Thankfully, other than a few glances, no one stared them down.
Dustin leaned in and spoke in a harsh whisper. “Nothing’s changed. I fought against myself on this. But,” his whisper became gentler, “the heart wants what it wants. I can’t seem to get over him.”
Kevin sighed and leaned back. “Whatever.”
Dustin realized his mistake in talking to Kevin about Kyle. “So you’re heading to Montreal?”
Kevin’s face brightened considerably. “Yes! I’m going to do the normal stuff—museums and what not—but I’m also going to spend some time in the gay village. I managed to snag a private hostel room, you know, if I should need some privacy...”After a few more minutes of Montreal talk, Kevin added, “I also have a private room here...just around the corner...”
Dustin knew it would come up sooner or later. Truth was, Kevin’s company did ease a lot of the black mood he’d been in, though much could have been due to just vocalizing his thoughts to someone else. Although, the unsympathetic, almost hostile reaction from Kevin had been surprising and uncomfortable, to say the least.
He tried to decide if he wanted to fool around with Kevin. Their times together were usually hot, but right now all he wanted was Kyle. But Kyle wanted nothing to do with him—so if he held out for the man, he’d end up leading a monastic life.
“How about we just go for a walk?” It would give him a little time to figure out if he wanted to do this or not.
“Sure,” Kevin said.
They paid their bills and exited. As they walked out, with Dustin following Kevin, Kevin’s hand drifted back and rubbed firmly against Dustin’s crotch. Unexpectedly, certainly against his will, Dustin found his dick reacted strongly to the touch.
Kevin did blow a mean load and a hookup with someone satisfying might help him take the first step in getting over Kyle and leaving him behind. At the very least, it could make up for the disasters of Rick and Jake, perhaps redeeming the hookup world for Dustin.
“Oh, hell,” he said, “take me to your hostel.”
“Perfect,” Kevin said. “A good cumfest will help you get over the jock.”
Ten minutes later, Dustin stood in Kyle’s hostel room, a small space with a rather flat double mattress, a rickety table with two wobbly chairs, and a miniscule bathroom with a closet of a shower.
Kevin locked the door behind them and tossed his keys onto the table. He shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over a chair. Practiced in the ways of a hookup, Dustin felt oddly frozen. Kevin stepped forward and grabbed Dustin’s jacket zipper, pulling it down. He pushed it off Dustin’s shoulders and leaned in close to gently tug the jacket off and hang it over the other chair. In the closeness, Dustin got a whiff of Kevin, immediately knew he used the same body wash as Kyle.
This scent association with the man he loved spurred him on. He grabbed the bottom of Kevin’s shirt and lifted it over his head, revealing the classic Asian twink build beneath. His chest and stomach were smooth and hairless. Dustin leaned in and licked both nipples, brushing them gently against his teeth, teasing them, making them hard.
Kevin pulled off Dustin’s shirt and ran his hands up and down Dustin’s body, taking time to rub over his hard stomach, not moving south. Inwardly, a small part of Dustin’s excitement deflated. This was how their hookups usually were—Dustin led the way and put the effort into it while Kevin barely did anything. His cumshots were powerfully impressive and usually worth the disappointing inequality of participation. Dustin was already this far in, though, too far to back out. Maybe this time would be more fulfilling than their last few times.