Angela’s voice came unbidden out of his memories. “Don’t let that spark form.” He muffled it.
After a pleasant conversation, he noticed Stefenie’s cosmo had long been drained. His glass sat empty empty on its coaster, too.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” he asked.
She smiled and stood. “I would love to.”
They put on their jackets and emerged into the cold November night. Dustin led them through the center of the campus grounds to a large garden. Dead blooms trimmed back, the plants readied for the cold Canadian winter, with only a few leaves remaining in the frost, which outlined everything in crystalline white fuzz.
The buzz of alcohol still rang through Dustin’s head. It made him feel looser, more comfortable.
“Call me crazy,” he said, “but I’ve always been a lover of fall and winter.”
“Loving winter's not crazy,” she replied, inching closer as they meandered. “The colder weather encourages closeness, sharing warmth and togetherness.” She slipped a hand through his arm, pulling herself closer.
Dustin could smell her perfume, a sweet aroma with hints of vanilla. He followed his instincts and urges, pulling his hand out of his pocket and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. She let out a wordless sound of comfort.
“There's a bench over there.” He nodded toward it. The bench sat underneath a dim light, casting a romantic glow over the area.
They sat and she rested her head on his shoulder. Dustin absently rubbed her arm. This was the most romantic situation he’d ever found himself in, but with the wrong person.
He locked the thought in a deep recess of his mind, hoping it would die and rot there. Unbidden, the thoughts he’d struggled with the whole day returned.
He would never have Kyle. Even if he could, it wouldn’t last. No gay relationship did. They were a pipe dream, rarely, if ever, fulfilled.
Stefenie, however, was real. This closeness felt warm and true. Closeted guys got in long-term straight relationships all the time, finding jollies on the internet and dark bathhouses. That was the reality of gay “love.”
Dustin enjoyed holding Stefenie as they sat in the silent evening. She gasped. A pair of rabbits came out of their warren, across the concrete path from where they sat. Their dark eyes locked on the two tentative lovers, assessing the situation, noses twitching.
The rabbits hopped over to the remnants of the garden and munched on the trimmed stalks. They might be a sign, the beauty of nature, a pair of rabbits, this magical moment...maybe it meant Stefenie was the one for him.
Maybe he could finally get over Kyle.
Only one way to find out.
Dustin turned his upper body, facing Stefenie. She looked up at him, her eyes shining in the weak light. The layer of gloss on her lips glimmered.
He’d kissed a couple girls before, always in a chaste manner, tentative and hesitant. This was a different situation. This wasn't an awkward school prom where he danced with a girl to deflect suspicions from classmates. This could be the one.
He leaned in, closing his eyes, as her puckered lips met his. Dustin paused, feeling the warmth and softness. It was beautiful, but devoid of passion, no connection...no spark.
He went deeper, parting his lips to taste her. Dustin’s tongue gently pushed its way into her mouth. He could sense some hesitation in her. He moved too fast, but he needed to know what this would be like.
After a momentary pause on her part, her tongue met his, brushing lightly. Dustin expected the charge to be electric, but it felt uneventful. His tongue touched someone else’s tongue like two slabs of meat brushing against each other, nothing more.
The urge to explore—to experiment, to test the waters with Stefenie—disappeared, leaving a gay man with his tongue in a woman’s mouth. He felt nothing for her.
The kissing slowed and their lips separated.
As his moist lips chilled in a sudden breeze, his only thought was Kyle. It would be different with him.
The realization struck him like a punch to the gut. He felt his face fall. Dustin could fight it all he wanted, but something deep inside of him refused to give up on Kyle.
“Dustin?” Stefenie’s brow creased in concern. “Are you okay?”
The haze of alcohol began to fade. In his clearing head, he faced the stark realization of what he’d just done, of how he tried to pull Stefenie into his web of lies. “I’m...I’m fine.”
She assessed his answer, weighing whether or not to push further. Abruptly, her phone blared a cheesy pop tune, interrupting the tension. She dug through her purse and pulled it out.
His phone chose that moment to buzz. Dustin slipped it out of his pocket to find an email from Kevin—unexpected, to say the least—but he would have to read it later. He watched Stefenie read the message on her phone.
“It’s a text from Angela,” she said, quietly. “She’s wondering how tonight is going.”
He pursed his lips. “And how
is
tonight going?” He couldn’t tell her what was going on inside of him.
She watched Dustin for a long moment before responding. “Awkward, but then all first dates are. I think this is pretty standard.” She smiled. “You’re cute.”
“I’m cute?” Flabbergasted, he’d
expected this entire evening to implode after the passionless kiss.
“You’re putting so much importance on making a good impression, it’s just adding to your natural adorableness.”
Dustin chuckled once, uncomfortably. “Now I’m cute
and
adorable?” He didn’t deserve compliments for this stellar performance.
She kissed him on the lips, short and sweet.
“Yes.” She held up her phone. “So what do I tell Angela?”
“Tell her...” Dustin hesitated as he weighed his options. Telling the whole truth would only be painful and disastrous. He would have to be noncommittal and fade away later. He chose his words carefully. “Tell her we’re having a nice time and we’ll see where we go from here.”
Stefenie’s smile widened briefly and her fingers danced across her keypad.
He wanted Kyle and admitted it to himself, but he could never have Kyle. Dustin couldn’t have Stefenie, either. Both deserved a truer love than he could ever offer.
Stefenie put her phone away. A smile teased her gloss-smeared lips and a glimmer sparkled in her eyes.
I’m a douchebag.
I just go around, hurting people.
As they stood to part ways, Stefenie kissed him lightly on the lips—a chaste kiss, just like those back in high school—and he bid her goodnight. She walked off with a spring in her step.
Dustin sat back down on the bench. The chill from the wood slats seeped through his jeans. He shivered and pulled out his phone, tapping it to open Kevin’s email.
Hey bud,
I’m passing through Toronto on my way out east. I’ll be arriving on Saturday and staying at a hostel until Tuesday—then I hop on a plane to visit Montreal! I’m gonna stay in the gay village and party (and fuck) non-stop!
Last I heard, you moved to a university in Toronto. So, do you want to meet for coffee or something this weekend?
Kevin
Dustin didn’t reply. He walked slowly, and with heavy feet, back to the dorm. He shoved his hands in his pockets to ward off the cold.
An Asian twink, Kevin’s average-sized cock fired massive cumshots. Dustin hooked up with him several times back in Barrie—enough times that he felt comfortable sharing his real email address and seeing him socially a few times.
Interesting timing since, in the past week, he’d fallen in lust, or maybe love, with an unattainable jock, dated a girl who might have developed a crush on him, engaged in an unsatisfying hookup followed by a shameful one...and a ghost from his past appeared.
He shook his head, uncertain if he should see Kevin.
Meet for coffee
meant
suck my cock
. Dustin still couldn’t shake the unclean feeling left by Jake’s urine. No amount of scrubbing could clean the dirt away, or the shame. He also still felt unfulfilled from his hookup with Rick, a self-obsessed muscle-head wanting to get his rocks off.
Above all, Dustin feared he’d be forever unable to shake himself free of Kyle. One brief bathroom blowjob and the tutoring sessions reached inside and touched something he didn’t know existed in him, something he didn’t know he’d ever feel.
Kyle awoke something Dustin didn’t know slept, and hadn’t settled since. If anything, the feeling intensified with every hour spent apart from him and every hookup and date with someone other than him.
Dustin pulled out his phone as he walked through the doors of his building. He’d fooled around with Kevin half a dozen times and always enjoyed it. Maybe he would finally be the key to breaking free of Kyle’s grip on him.
He tapped out a reply.
Hi Kevin,
Coffee would be good. Sunday works best for me. How about you? We could do maybe noonish? Head for a bite to eat and then...do something?
Dustin
Seven
Friday
Dustin continued to ignore the textbooks sitting on his desk. Every glance at the shiny covers reminded him it approached noon and he hadn’t yet left his dorm. The book titles stood out in accusation of the classes he skipped.
He knew there was no way he’d be able to make it through lectures with any hope of retention. Every fact and figure would be completely lost on him with his mind in its current state.
Dustin flipped through the shirts in his closet for the fifth time. Would Kyle like one better than the other? The green v-neck tee hung nicely on his frame, but came off as a bit effeminate. The dark red long-sleeve shirt made Dustin appear more masculine, but his gym efforts were often unnoticeable in it.
The blue polo he’d picked out the first time through the closet still lay on his bed where he’d left it, easily the best choice. It hugged his chest and biceps perfectly, and the color and material exuded just enough masculinity. Dustin couldn’t be certain, but he felt his chances with Kyle would be best if he struck the perfect balance of masculine and gay.
Chances. Chances of what?
Dustin’s restless feet took him back to the window above his bed, where he picked up his phone. No text messages from Kyle.
Same as two minutes ago.
He sighed in frustration, and put the phone back down. He picked up the jeans he’d laid out next to the blue polo. His favorite pair, they hugged his ass perfectly. Dustin worked hard at the gym to sculpt his ass and it paid off in jeans like these.
He fingered the small grommets built into the design over the pockets and sporadically down the side seam. Maybe an effeminate touch, but showing off his ass was more important. If Kyle got a good view of it, then maybe he’d be tempted to...
His hole involuntarily twitched.
A heat rose and spread across Dustin’s face. He’d never wanted to be fucked so badly, to have Kyle’s cock buried balls-deep in his ass. Dustin’s dick, hard since he woke up, leaked precum into his briefs.
Not good.
Restless, impatient, confused, blue-balled, and overall he needed a good, hard fucking.
Dustin pursed his lips and looked at the clock.
12:15.
Enough time to jack off and shower. He rocked his head side to side, considering. Rubbing one out and cleaning up would really crunch his time, but it would also help clear his head.
“Fuck it.” Dustin dropped his sweat pants. He yanked off his t-shirt and put his tutoring outfit carefully on the floor, then hopped on his bed and lay back, clad in only his tight black briefs.
He closed his eyes and ran his fingers over the large wet spot the marred the rigid bulge in his underwear. Soon, his slick thumb rubbed up and down his shaft. Dustin slipped his hand under the waistband and wrapped his hand around his cock, pumping gently.
He wiggled out of his briefs, shoving them down to his ankles and over the edge of the bed. Dustin looked at the glistening head of his dick, sitting atop his smooth, straight shaft. It was all red, dark red, from having been so hard so long this morning.
Dustin leaned his head back and closed his eyes again. He bit his lower lip, just like he’d seen Kyle do so often. Thinking of his perfect face and the luscious meat packed in the man’s pants, Dustin reached into his nightstand and pulled out a small bottle of lube.
With the ease of practice, not needing to open his eyes, he squirted a dab of lube into his hand and rubbed it all over his cock. It was cool and slick. He squeezed tighter, hardening his grip on himself.
Dustin replayed their bathroom hookup through his mind again. Almost as tantalizing as Kyle’s cock was his ass. He hadn’t seen it, but he’d felt it. Kyle’s hole twitched at the lightest touch. Dustin wanted to eat his ass, to dive in with his tongue and taste the man.
He stopped pumping with his hand and instead began thrusting his hips, fucking his fist. Dustin’s ass bounced on his mattress as his lubed cock slid through his grip. Try as he might, he couldn’t quite envision topping Kyle. Though he loved the jock’s hole, he couldn’t quite imagine sticking his dick in it.
Dustin knew what he wanted. He wasn’t ready to actually admit it to himself.
Keeping his eyes closed, he patted his dry hand around the mattress in search of the lube. When he found it, he flipped it open and squeezed out another dab onto his hand.
With the pearl of lube on his fingertips, Dustin reached down and around, tentatively touching his hole. The cold lube soon warmed against his skin. His ass felt smooth, reminding him he’d shaved on impulse this morning.