Autumn Leaves (10 page)

Whoa.
This was a heavy subject to discuss on a five-minute walk. Rebecca seemed honestly unaware of how much pain she could easily cause Callie, and how foolishly willing Callie was to risk it all. So much for ending anything.

“It is,” she said fervently. “I don’t want to live in fear, to hide who I am. You can’t please everybody, but at the end of the day, you’ve still got to face yourself in the mirror.”

“I think you’re much braver than I am.”

“No. You just happen to live a life that’s more in tune with society’s expectations.”

“It’s really a choice?” Much to Rebecca’s credit, she showed nothing but genuine interest.

“Being a lesbian? No. What everyone can choose is to live a lie, or the opposite. Frankly, if there was a way to reverse it, I wouldn’t want that. I don’t hate men. I’ve got some great friends, and a brother who can be a douche sometimes, but is generally a good guy. I’m attracted to women. That’s all there is.”

Rebecca took a deep breath as if she was still struggling with the implications. “What about Asha? I thought you were over.”

“Now you’re indiscreet. If you really want to know, it’s not like there’s a huge lesbian dating pool in Autumn Leaves. Gotta deal with my writer’s block frustrations somehow.”

“Right,” Rebecca said, not sounding convinced.

“You’re jealous?” Callie ventured, testing the waters of their carefully restored friendship.

“In your dreams.”

They both laughed, relieved at the turn of events. Their timing was impeccable too, as they’d just reached Callie’s doorstep.

“Oh, damn,” Rebecca cursed abruptly as the sound of a car was heard.

“What?”

“That’s what I get for my chivalrous ways. I forgot to buy breakfast.”

“Want to come over?”

“I’m tempted, but no thanks. David’s coming over with Maggie, and maybe his mother. We’ll just have to go out.”

“Well, if that helps, I kind of like your chivalrous ways.”

“Good. I’ll catch you later then.”

Not hesitating this time, Rebecca pulled her into a close hug. The world righted itself again, even if Callie had to guiltily admit that friendship was only a part of it.

* * * *

Rebecca couldn’t catch a break. Of course David’s mom had come with them for breakfast. Of course she frowned upon Rebecca’s questionable housekeeping skills when learning that they’d be eating at a restaurant. Rebecca at least had her child back. Maggie was in good spirits, all chatty and happy. Watching her was such a simple pleasure compared to all the adult complications her life had brought her lately. She wouldn’t even start with Matt Weller hitting on Callie. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be more trouble anytime soon.

“Earth to Rebecca.” David smiled, but he seemed worried. “Are you with us?”

“Why, yes. Sorry.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, of course.” Her gaze fell on Dina who looked thoughtful. “Just tired.”

Rebecca could see it wasn’t enough of an explanation, but fortunately, he dropped the subject for the moment. Later. It was the name of the game with them recently, “postpone to later.” She looked at a laughing Maggie, all of a sudden startled. Why didn’t she notice before? Rebecca had kept quiet for harmony’s sake in the past, but somehow, she didn’t feel it today.

“Maggie, sweetie, let’s go to the restroom, okay?” Her words made the conversation come to an abrupt halt. David and his mother exchanged quizzical glances, the girls looked wary. Rebecca got up, taking a resisting Maggie to the bathroom with her to wash her face.

“I suppose breakfast is over, Rebecca,” Laurie said sweetly. Of course she hadn’t missed Maggie’s unhappy expression.

“We’re good to go now,” Rebecca agreed. There was stony silence on the drive home. She already knew that wouldn’t be all, but today she couldn’t have kept silent. She had to draw the line somewhere.

“Jesus, it was just makeup!” David chided her at the first opportunity. “It’s not like Mom sent her on a date!”

“Makeup on an eight-year-old?” Come to think of it, now Rebecca could make a lot of more sense of Maggie’s earlier attempts of a “style.” “She’s a child! It’s too early for her to be hit by peer pressure!”

Her mother-in-law had met a friend in Autumn Leaves. David would drive her back to her house later. Dina had retreated to her room right away. Maggie was crying since Rebecca had removed all paint from her face. Not that there was a lot to begin with, but that certainly wasn’t the point. Maggie had a decade to learn to put on makeup that was supposed to look like she wasn’t wearing any.

“Is this about peer pressure or the fact that Mom helped her with it? God, Rebecca, could you for once not find something to criticize about her?”

“What?” Rebecca was angry, and she was tired of holding back that emotion. It was bound to stay with her anyway. “I’m Maggie’s mother.” She also thought that God or Jesus had little to do with this conversation, so she’d rather have David keep them out of it. “I never said anything, but whenever she spends time with Laurie, she seems to forget about that, and so do you!”

“That’s just ridiculous. I refuse to even argue with you about that.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Why am I not surprised?”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.”

“All right. I’m going over to Charles’s now. I’ll be back later.”

“Sure.”

Rebecca stood alone in her living room, trying to understand what had just happened.

Out of fear of a scene like this, she had never made Laurie’s transgressions more of a subject. Just like she’d expected, David sided with his mother. Maybe she was overreacting, or maybe she should have reacted a long time ago. She just didn’t know anymore.

Upstairs, Dina was listening to some music, the sound emerging through the closed, possibly locked door. Rebecca opened the door to Maggie’s room. Her little girl was sitting over a book, her expression somber.

“Hey,” she said softly, sitting beside her daughter on the bed. “What are you reading?”

Maggie showed her the cover. “Mike says we’re not supposed to read things like that. It doesn’t matter. Mike doesn’t read at all, anyway.”

If she wasn’t this upset, Rebecca would have smiled at the hint of distaste in her daughter’s expression. Clearly, Maggie did not understand people who didn’t read.

“How can he know then, right?” she asked, thinking she’d need to have a word with Betty sometime soon. She just didn’t have the energy today.

“Grandma says you don’t like her.”

Oh, boy. Grandma sure says a lot of things.

“That’s not true. Adults disagree sometimes. We might not be best friends, but that doesn’t mean I dislike her.”

“You’re best friends with Callie,” Maggie mused.

Yes, she was, and there was no reason to blush.
We’re best friends,
and don’t we ever disagree sometimes
.

“Yes. So you did like the book? We could see if there are others.”

“Really?” Maggie’s face lit up.

“Really. I’ll go get my laptop, and we’ll look them up.”

Not like she’d done it before, only a hundred times or so.

* * * *

David didn’t return until after dinner. “I’m sorry,” he said, sounding sincere as he hugged her in the doorway. “Traffic was bad. What is everybody up to?”

“Last time I checked, Maggie was in bed. Dina’s watching a soap, and I...well, I’ve been waiting for my husband. Took him quite some time to find his way home.”

“Yeah. What a bum.”

She couldn’t quite hide her reaction. David brushed his fingers gently over her cheek. “I think I see a smile?”

“Not so sure about that.”

“You’re still mad at me?”

“David...”

“I know,” he sighed. “You were right. Mom went overboard there. I was just... Work was brutal. I didn’t think.”

“I get that.” Suddenly, the discussion seemed rather pointless. They had so little time together. Wasn’t it stupid to spend it fighting over things that neither one of them could change anyway? “It’s okay. Did you want to watch anything? I think I’m going to bed.”

“Good idea. Why don’t I join you?”

Truth be told, Rebecca would have liked some more quiet time reading. Thinking she’d probably used up her bitch quota for the day, she just smiled.

Upstairs in the bedroom, she hesitated at locking the door. It wasn’t like it was the first time.

“It’s fine,” David said. “You said it yourself, the girls are okay, and they sure will be for a while longer.”

“Yeah.” She tried to relax in his embrace, enjoy the intimacy she was missing so much during his absences. Her mind wandered to this morning, Callie, how it had felt to hold her. Today. Before. Inappropriately, the memory stayed with her. David kissed her again, more hungrily this time. She shivered, finding herself out of her shirt without remembering how it happened. She had always felt safe and sheltered with him and she did now, but Rebecca was distracted.

“Is everything okay?” he asked softly.

Can’t we just get it over with?
Shocked by her own thought, Rebecca just leaned into him. “I’m good,” she whispered. She wasn’t supposed to have these images and sensations lingering, not right now. What did that say about her? Rebecca was determined to push aside everything that didn’t have a place here, enjoy the touch of hands gentle and familiar. It felt like her body was playing tricks on her. She couldn’t fool David either.

“What’s wrong?”

Rebecca wanted to cry, but she forced another smile instead. One of too many. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”

He brushed his fingers over her arm softly, and she shivered under the caress, wishing she could just turn back time for half an hour and start over. For all the good it would do.

“You’ve been tired often lately,” David remarked. “Maybe you should see a doctor, just to be on the safe side.”

Rebecca was torn between being defiant and guilty. She didn’t exactly have a lazy schedule. Then again, this wasn’t a good moment to bring it up. She couldn’t wait for their upcoming trip, to spend a few days out of Autumn Leaves, come to her senses. After that, she could ask David to try to move to the local office. Maybe these thoughts would stop once they spend more time together.

“I’ll make an appointment,” she said without much enthusiasm, pushing back the covers.

In the bathroom, she cried for several minutes before she could even start to sort out everything that was wrong in her life. Rebecca had managed crises before. She had born two children, for Christ’s sake. Now those little things piling up kept eating at her, like the escalating cold war with Laurie, Dina’s secrecy, the feeling that the circle of her friends was falling apart.

Then there was Callie Bryan, on her mind all of the time. Rebecca had memorized every word of their earlier conversation, like something precious. She’d done it before fooling herself into thinking it was something good friends just did. “
I don’t want to live in fear, to hide who I am
.”

Rebecca was fairly scared at the moment, as she remembered Callie’s words. Callie was passionate, which made her even more beautiful and intriguing to Rebecca.
Moth to the flame.
She felt her wings starting to crumble from the heat.

Chapter Five

It was one of the last warm days of fall. Rebecca wished they could have just gone for a weekend out of town, David and her. There was the upcoming trip to Disneyland, though, which tightened the budget considerably. They needed that, she thought, just be together, take a good look at their life and dreams and see if everything still added up. Rebecca hadn’t shared those exact thoughts with David though. He seemed oblivious, having no idea that the barbecue with friends he suggested wouldn’t help Rebecca. She didn’t have the heart to tell him no.

Callie was invited, of course, and so was Betty. The latter had been rather cool on the phone, but said that she and Charles would be there. Rebecca didn’t know whether she should be glad about that. Callie was happy about the invitation. For her, it meant everything was back to normal between them. Rebecca wasn’t so sure.

“Do I count one or two?”

“One or…” Callie looked at her for a moment, not understanding until it dawned on her. “Oh. No. I don’t think so.” She didn’t let on whether that was Asha’s decision or hers. Rebecca breathed a sigh of relief. She was behaving silly, and she knew it. Still, she preferred not having Asha around, for a multitude of reasons. Asha made her uncomfortable from the moment they first met. Rebecca had enough on her plate without starting to look for an explanation.

“She’s pretty busy,” Callie added.

“Oh yeah? You must be working well together. I mean…you’re a great writer. You should have people around you who understand…Anyway…” Rebecca ended her ramblings, her face feeling hot. “Come on over at seven.”

“Betty will be there too?” Apparently, the possibility hadn’t occurred to Callie until now.