Read Barely Breathing (Just Breathe) Online
Authors: Heather Allen
As I enter her room she looks up from her computer and looks back to what she's doing. This pisses me off even more. She's acting like nothing just happened.
I walk in and sit on her bed, "What's the deal with you and Sara?"
I wait a minute before she turns in her chair and faces me looking confused,"James, I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Really, what just happened between you two in my room?"
She shrugs her shoulders, "As far as I'm concerned, nothing, she's the one that gave me a stare down today in the parking lot at school. I've never seen the girl in my life."
This surprises me. I was sure they had a run in at some point. Usually that's the case with girls.
I take a deep breath but before I can say anything she gets up and sits next to me on the bed. She seems to be bracing herself for something.
She asks quietly, "Why are you here? The last time I saw you, I was in the Erebus caves and you were pretty chummy with Jaspen."
I respond right back at her, "I should be asking you the same thing, or more like, where have you been?"
Then I realize and don't give her a chance to answer me, "Wait, the last time you saw me...I never saw you in the Erebus caves."
She squirms and gets up but sits back down.
"I went to look for you...I saw you with Jaspen and you were okay, so I decided to leave. I um...had to go..." She trails off.
I glance over at her. She's staring at her hands in her lap. She looks completely defeated.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I grab her hand and squeeze, "It's okay."
She looks back up at me, "No James, it's not. She hesitates, "I have to know though." A tear trails down her cheek.
I'm a little confused now, "Know what?"
"Did you see him while you were there?"
Of course, I should have known. The conversation I had with Gabbi pops back into my head. Ever went after Jack. But for some reason I saw him in the Erebus caves.
I decide to just tell her what I know, "I did see him a couple of times. He didn't say anything to me though. I asked about you both times, but he didn't answer me either time, he walked away when I brought up your name."
Her face falls.
I add sympathetically, "I'm so sorry, Ever."
Her tears fall harder now and she is gasping for air quietly, trying so hard to hold it back. I put my arm around her. I am furious with Jack for making my sister feel this way."
The last thing I wanted to do was break down once again over Jack, but James is sitting here, he saw him more recently than I have. And what he's telling me is not what I wanted to hear. My tears are falling faster and I am about to lose it. Hearing this from James has made the worst of my fears come true. He is really gone, and I was never anything to him. I can't believe I gave my heart to him. It was a complete lie.
James keeps rubbing my back and checking on me. I am starting to feel the tingle. It's starting from my back where he's rubbing. I can feel it spreading and I'm ready to welcome it. It radiates through me and my breathing becomes shallow...if ever there was an out of body experience, this could be classified as one. It reaches my head bringing dizziness and then darkness.
***
"Ever, Ever, wake up."
I lift my arms to rub my eyes, they feel so heavy. I just let them fall back to my sides and keep my eyes closed.
"Hey, I brought some water, do you want a drink?" James' voice.
I nod without opening my eyes. Let me stay in darkness for a minute longer before I have to face reality. He slides his arm behind my back and helps me to a sitting position. My eyes flutter open. When I look up at him, the look in his eyes is pure sympathy. I look toward the glass and focus on getting a drink.
When I sit back against my headboard, he asks uneasily, "Do you want me to go?"
Do I want James to leave because I can't face reality or do I want to deal with it all. That's the question of the moment. I know there's still so much for us to talk about. I choose door number one though, the easy way out...
always
.
"I just need to get some rest, can we talk later?"
He nods and gets up unsure, "Are you sure you're alright?"
I nod and look the other way. I don't need to faint again.
He leaves my room and closes the door behind him. I scoot back down under my blanket and decide a nap is in my immediate future. My parents are going to be home soon and I know they will want to see me. I close my eyes and try to focus on nothing. Nothing for once...
***
My body feels as if a weight has descended upon it pushing me further to the bottom of the ocean. I can't breathe. I open my mouth for air but get a mouth full of water instead and start to choke. My arms reach up and grasp for the sky beyond the water. I think about how it looks, so distorted and far away and sadness fills my heart. I feel water fill my lungs and a calmness overcomes me just before the darkness that I know is coming.
Coughing...and more coughing... I roll over gasping for air. I concentrate on each breath as it pushes in and out. My chest heaves with each strangled breath to get my body under control. I roll to my back and stare at the ceiling. It felt as if I was drowning. How that could possibly happen though? Where were Jack and Alex in this dream?
A knock on the door brings me back from the dream. I glance in that direction and mutter, "Come in."
I watch as my mom's face peaks around the door, "Hey honey, welcome home."
My smile grows, it is so good to see her. I push myself up to a sitting position. She hurries over to the bed, sits down, and leans in to hug me.
My arms tighten around her and my check rests against her shoulder. I didn't realize how much I have missed her.
She pushes me back so that her hands are resting on my shoulders and she's an arm's length away, "We are so glad you're home. We really missed you."
She chuckles nervously, "I guess this is just a taste of what next year will be like though, huh?"
Oh no, college, as if things could be any worse at the moment. I fake a smile, hoping it's convincing.
"Ever, are you alright?" Obviously, I'm a terrible actress.
"Yeah mom, just tired, my train got in late last night and then school today. Trying to catch up, I guess."
I'm feeling as if I am telling more and more lies lately... completely going against my morals on the subject.
"Well, honey, go back to sleep if you need to. I know your dad and James would love to see you though, if you can stay up for just an hour. I'm also making lasagna, maybe come down and get some dinner..."
I nod, seeing my dad would be nice, not to mention the growl that just came involuntarily, from my stomach.
"I'm just going to go and take a shower, then I'll be down."
My mom leaves me alone. Probably not the best place for me to be at the moment with all the depressing thoughts running through my head. My brain goes there...Jack...what have you done? He didn't even acknowledge me to James. He couldn't even give my name the time of day. My heart twists further. I am completely ruined. I debate crawling back under my blanket and skipping my family reunion, it seems like the best option at the moment.
A knock on the door distracts me from my blanket that's calling my name.
I strangle out again, "Come in."
James pushes the door slowly and stands in the door frame with his arms crossed. I glance at him really seeing him for the first time in a couple of weeks. It occurs to me, whoa muscles, what happened to my baby brother? He's changed a lot, not so little any more.
"I was just coming to check on you. Mom said you're coming down for dinner and I thought you might need some coercing to leave your bed."
He knows me so well.
I shake my head, "I'm coming, just waiting for some motivation. It seems to be avoiding me"
A smile spreads across his face. I smile back and push back my blanket away.
Okay, let's get this over with
.
I cross the room and slip past him to the bathroom. As I'm about to close the door, his hand reaches out and halts my progress. I look up questioning him.
He has a serious look on his face, "Ever, you know we need to talk."
I nod staring at him, afraid if I blink, the tears will come back.
"I want you to know, Sara, the girl from earlier today, she's..." He looks away as if searching for the right word. His eyes settle on mine again, "Important."
Before I can respond, he grasps the handle on the bathroom door and closes me inside. I've never seen James serious about a girl before. I should probably warn him and tell him there's no point in love, but knowing him, just like I know myself, he won't listen.
After dinner with my parents, Ever and I decided to meet at the park down the road to have that talk. We left separately. The last thing either one of us needs is our parents asking about our sudden bonding. Maybe though, that is every parent's dream, their kids getting along. We'll just keep it at that, a dream.
The sun is starting to set. The air is cool, it's clear and spring is close so the nights are starting to turn a little warmer. I walk slowly enjoying the night air, thinking about seeing Sara at school tomorrow.
I walk up to the swings and Ever is grasping the chains, looking down drawing in the sand with her feet.
I clear my throat,"Hhhmm."
She looks up with that same strangled look from earlier. I grab the swing beside her and start swinging. She looks back down. I'd love to cheer her up but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.
She glances up following me back and forth with her eyes, "Tell me about Sara."
I'm glad for the constant motion so she can't see the emotion just mentioning Sara's name, brings to me.
"She's from the sea. Um she's a guardian, here to pretty much make sure I don't get into trouble, I guess."
A confused look crosses her face, "The Erebus have guardians?"
"Sara said the Erebus have started sending guardians out just like the Lior."
Which might explain the whole Jack thing, I'm nervous to go there but she's going to have to talk about it at some point.
She looks back down again, "You really like her?" She looks back up again with that questioning look.
I drag my feet to stop the swing. When we are both just sitting there barely moving, I take deep breath, "Yes, I think so, it's different..."
She shakes her head but looks back up hopeful and smiling, "She's really pretty."
I chuckle and a grin forms across my lips before I can stop it, just thinking about her, "She's beautiful." I look away embarrassed, what is wrong with me?
Ever stifles a giggle, "Guess you have it pretty bad then."
I shake my head and look down at the sand beneath my feet, ready to tackle some tough topics, "Where have you been Ever? Did you really go to Gam-aw's?"
A minute seems to pass before she answers me.
"I've been with the Lior." She looks up and meets my eyes with panic and sadness all together. My breath catches at the realization. No wonder she's been a complete mess.
My ears heard her and so did the rest of me, but I seem to need more clarification, "You've been in the sea the whole time with them...the Lior?"
She nods, "Well, for most of the time but then I did go and see Gam-aw."
I quickly push the swing away to stand and start pacing. I stop and look down at her. She's still staring at the sand. I pace some more and stop again.
"Ever, this is...just...we can't..."
She looks up and meets my eyes, "I know."
We don't even need words for both of us to know the enormity of this. They have pitted us against each other. How could this have happened? Her earlier breakdown pops into my head, my heart is breaking for her. No wonder she lost it, not only will she be fighting against me but Jack too.
I kneel in front of her and rest my arms on my knees so I can look at her, "How...how did this happen?"