Read Barely Breathing (Just Breathe) Online
Authors: Heather Allen
Did
I mention my mom is emotional? Why are the women in my family so emotional, I can't take it.
I hold my hand up to stop her rant for a second, "Ah mom, I promise I'm not rebelling. I just fell asleep in my first class. I didn't get much sleep last night."
She huffs, "Well, why would they give you a detention if you're just tired? Wait, why didn't you sleep last night? You're not doing something you're not supposed to be doing like...drugs?"
She bar
ely choked out the last word. I don't want to even give her an answer. I almost want her to suffer for a minute. I can't believe she even asked that! I wish she would just quit and leave me alone.
"Mom it's okay, I just tossed and turned a lot. I am definitely not doing drugs. I can't believe you asked me that."
She looks over embarrassed, "I just...I know James, I want you to be okay. You scared us when you left, we weren't sure we would see you again."
I decide to let her off, "My first class is rough, he gives detentions out like candy. Don't worry about it."
"Well maybe I should call the school..."
"No mom don't do that...it's all good...I promise. Sorry I got the detention."
She glances over and grabs my hand, squeezing. And just like that we're good. I don't understand women.
At this point I think my bed is calling my name, it's been one hell of a day.
When my Gam-aw said she bought me clothes, she wasn't kidding. I'm not kidding when I say it's not my style either. My choices were tulle, ruffles, or lace. Really! I chose the least of all evils, lace. She did manage one pair of jeans though. Little does she know that I will either be going back to Pahrump tonight or doing a load of laundry, not touching the rest of that stuff.
Today's agenda actually entails what I am supposed to be here doing, visiting colleges. Gam-aw made calls all morning getting appointments for us at The University of Illinois, Roosevelt University, and Rush University. The last one, at her insistence, because of the medical program. She thinks I am a lot like my dad so maybe I'd like follow in his footsteps and study medicine. I think this whole charade is kind of ridiculous. We both know I'm not going to college. I'm flushing my life down the drain, basically. I did the stupid teenage thing and acted on impulse and now I'm stuck.
What is with her sudden change of tune anyway? Last night she made sure I knew I had to go back to the sea. Today her outlook is different. Whatever. Not dealing, that's what I'm best at anyway.
She walks out in a pink tulle skirt and a ruffled white top. Today she chose a short red wig adorned with a big sequined flower. If I didn't love her so much, I'd be embarrassed by her appearance but I just shake my head and walk her out to the car. This is a waste of time anyway.
We drive to The University of Illinois first. I am astounded at the beauty of the campus. The buildings are statuesque. They remind me of a very old church with stained glass windows and slender columns rising into the clear, blue sky. We walk across the campus and I start to daydream about what it would be like to actually go to school here. It's so immense, nothing like our little high school back home. I watch the students heading to class or sitting in the field enjoying the chilly day.
Who am I kidding, it's a far away dream.
To my surprise, but not Gam-aw's, the medical program is the largest program here. Hmmm, I think she's trying to tell me something.
I just can't hear her!
***
After visiting all three colleges, we walk around downtown and get a bite to eat. I lugged all the brochures with me into the restaurant. I really don't know why I'm bothering, but just being on the campuses and seeing what college is all about, makes me wishful.
Gam-aw takes a drink of her tea, "So tell me, which school did you like the best?"
I didn't mention my reality all day. She seemed to be enjoying herself too much. This whole pretend, my granddaughter is going to college, thing. I decide the game is done. I'm over it and I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing.
I glance up with pained eyes, "Gam-aw why are we doing this? You and I both know I won't be going to college."
She shrugs her shoulders, takes a roll and breaks it apart. She avoids my eyes when she tells me nonchalantly, "I don't know, Ever. Maybe you will get to go after all."
I put my glass down after taking a drink. I almost choke at her, whatever answer, "Gam-aw, why would you say that? Today was actually harder than I thought it would be. I caught a glimpse of something that I would jump at the opportunity for. I know I won't be able to go, I made a choice and I guess...I have to live with it."
My voice gets a little stronger as I realize what I have to do, "I committed to those people and I can't let them down." I try for a smile but I know it turns out twisted.
She looks at me and pats my hand, "Just like I told you last night, it's going to be hard but, everything will turn out, I just know it."
Maybe she is finally going senile. That would explain her indifference to what I've done with my life. She can't know everything will be alright. At this point I don't even know what turning out alright, is.
***
After we get back to her apartment I break the news, "Um, Gam-aw I think I'm going to go home for a little while. I need to see mom and dad before I go back."
She nods, "I know."
I make sure she is all tucked in to bed and comfortable. I lean down and give her a hug, kiss her forehead and sit with her.
"Ever, believe in yourself, you can do this. Just trust yourself, you haven't made a wrong choice
yet
."
Okay, so now I know she must be losing her mind. Every choice I've made has pretty much been a doozy.
As she drifts off to sleep, I make sure her apartment is locked up tight, turn off the TV and lights. Then I stand in the living room, concentrating as hard as I can on my wonderful bed back in Pahrump.
Oh, how I have missed my bed.
"James, time to get up." I hear my mom yell up the stairs. I roll over and glance at the clock, seven on the dot. How she does that with the time thing every morning, I don't know.
I actually slept last night which is a nice change from the other night. I did lay awake for a while thinking about the whole Sara thing. I just can't figure her out. One minute she was about to kiss me and the next she's telling me she's not interested. So confusing.
I climb out from under my sheet and walk to the bathroom. The door is closed, I reach for the handle but it's locked.
What the hell? Why is mom using my bathroom?
I shuffle back to my bed and climb in to wait for the bathroom.
***
"James, James, time to get up."
I smile, "Ah Sara, I knew you couldn't resist."
I feel a huge push against my shoulder.
"Wha..." I sit up and my mom is staring at me with huge, questioning eyes.
"Who is Sara?" Oops, guess I was dreaming.
"No one mom, just a girl at school."
She smiles as she heads out of my room, "You better hurry, it's 7:45."
I glance at the clock, What?...I must have dosed off.
I get out of bed and dress quickly, no time for a shower, Garrett should be pulling up any minute. What a terrible start to the day. I should just stay in bed.
***
If I hadn't already missed so much school, I would have seriously considered skipping. I walked into my third class, Calculus, completely ready to get the cold shoulder from Sara but she didn't show, which, of course makes me feel even worse. Maybe I won't ever see her again. Just the thought of that makes me feel uncomfortable. A feeling I can't say I've had before. I hate to admit it, but this girl has really gotten to me in just a week.
I shrug it off and glance around the class. This is the one class that I have, with no one to talk to. Of course I could talk to Shelby or Rain a couple of seats behind me but they both started giving me the cold shoulder a few weeks ago when they became really chummy. They must have compared notes and figured out I hooked up with both of them. Whatever. They both knew I wasn't looking for a girlfriend.
I pull my hood up and sink down into my seat. This day can't end soon enough.
***
As I walk into the lunch room, my eyes travel straight to the small table in the corner. It's empty. My heart sinks a little. I knew she wouldn't be here but I had a small bit of hope. I probably need to apologize to her for being such a jerk yesterday, but who knows when I'll see her again.
I stroll over to our usual table with my lunch and sit as far away from Jessica as I can get. I don't even know why she keeps sitting over here anyway. No one is interested.
Davis looks up as I sit down, "Hey, You want to practice tonight?"
Oh great, now I have to deal with the band situation.
I wince, "Um...I gotta check with my parents. They still aren't letting me do anything because of leaving..." My voice trails off and I take a bite to avoid talking about it anymore.
Garrett speaks up, "Yeah right James, you sure you don't have a date with that Sara chick. He's probably blowing us off for a girl."
He glances over at the table where she sat yesterday," Where is she anyway?"
I glare at him and take another bite. He is really pissing me off lately.
Jessica comes around the table and scoots next to me as close as she can get. She puts her hand on my knee under the table, whispering in my ear, "I can make you forget about Sara."
I stop chewing and glare at her. She holds up her hands as if offended, "Okay sorry, What's YOUR problem?"
Garrett calls out and pats the bench beside him, "Jess, this seat here, needs a little warming up."
She looks over, rolls her eyes and stalks off, out the door.
Jenny, Davis's girlfriend who is usually really quiet, speaks up looking directly at me, "She's in my American Lit class first thing in the morning, she was here today."
My eyes go wide but I look away and shrug my shoulders as if it doesn't bother me. So she
is
avoiding me. At least she didn't go back yet.
As I take a drink of my soda, I hear Davis' voice, "Hey, isn't that your sister over there? Is she back from visiting colleges?"
I almost spew soda across the table. I choke as I swallow and catch my breath. Garrett pounds my back, "Whoa dude, take it easy."
Ever's back? How did I not know this? I glance across the room and as I spot her, she looks up at me and looks just as surprised to see me as I am to see her. Gabbi glances over, sees the expression on my face and whispers to her. Her eyes are still locked on mine and she winces as if Gabbi told her something bad. She averts her eyes and doesn't look over again.
The rest of the table starts to get up. I decide I need to talk to Ever so I start to stand and glance back over intending to talk to her but she's gone. I look at my watch, time for my next class. Obviously, Sara isn't the only one avoiding me.
I spot James across the lunch room. I can't believe he's here. The last time I saw him was what seems like weeks ago, back in the Erebus caves. I went to look for him and found him strategizing with Jaspen. I decided he was fine right where he was. I was focused on Jack and went straight to Amber's dwelling, thinking Jack would be there. My heart aches and my breath catches just remembering the complete and utter shock and disappointment I felt when I found out Jack was really on the Erebus side. That was when I decided I would fight for the Lior. As hard as it's been, I have stuck with that choice and believed in it, for the most part.
I feel Gabbi's hand on my arm, "Ever, are you alright?"
I stare at him. Just seeing James, suddenly makes me question my decision. Why is he here?
Gabbi's hand is still on my arm, "I told him the other day about how I talked you into following Jack back to the sea." I wince at his name spoken out loud, averting my eyes to meet Gabbi's. She gives me a sympathetic look but doesn't say anything more. I didn't tell Gabbi about Jack. It's just too painful and I don't need any more sympathy. That might cause more emotions and I've had enough of those to last forever. I did mention that Jack and I had an argument and we're taking a break. It's true enough.