Read Barely Breathing (Just Breathe) Online
Authors: Heather Allen
She shrugs, gets up, ignoring me and starts walking toward the bench on the other side of the park. I follow her a few feet behind, unsure of her mood.
She swings around on her heel before she reaches the bench and starts with incredulity in her tone, "I never wanted things to be this way. I was sure when I met Jack that he was it. Never did I feel that way before about anyone. Not even Michael. He twisted my heart, James, it's twisted, irreparable. Now I have to fight against not only him, but you, my brother...
But...but...I have to do this. Do you understand? I have to. I committed to this, those people are depending on me.
She turns and is silent for a second. I take a deep breath and I'm about to try and calm her down, when she turns around again and gets really close, looking up at me glaring. In a whisper barely audible but with ferocity she tells me, "I'm not going to let this happen to anyone else. It's not fair, to give up your life for something so unknown. I'm going to fight for all those people that don't know any better. So they can't make the same mistake I did."
She sinks onto the bench and rests her elbows on her knees with her face in her hands. No sound escapes, I know her little rant must have taken a lot out of her.
I sit down next to her and wait. There's nothing I can say to change her mind. But I'm not really sure I want to. She's right in many ways. People like us need someone fighting for them. In that moment I admire my sister for the choice she has made. She is so brave for making a choice that goes against those that she loves.
She looks up suddenly and glances over, looking resigned, "What are we going to do? We can't fight against each other."
This is something I know. It keeps repeating through my mind. Everything else aside, I couldn't possibly hurt my sister.
"We have to make a decision I guess."
She nods slowly.
I continue as my mind forms an idea, "Maybe like a pact. We don't discuss each other with them. If we are asked, we tell them we haven't talked."
Her eyes light up as if I've given the answer solving the mystery of the universe.
"I like that. Also, if... when... the battle happens, we stay as far away from each other as possible."
This part makes me uneasy, not sure I like the prospect of a battle anymore. But I agree with her.
She asks, "What about Sara? She knows I'm home."
Ahh, Sara, I'm going to have to be really careful with that situation. Maybe it's a good thing she and Ever don't seem to like each other. It will definitely prevent them from having any contact.
I assure Ever, "It's probably a good idea for you to stay away from each other."
She agrees and hesitates for a second but asks, "When are you going back?"
I shrug my shoulders, "Probably when school ends, unless something happens before then. Jaspen is letting me finish out the year, which will help with Mom and Dad too. How about you?"
"I'm not sure, I kind of left accidentally."
My eyes widen, "Can you travel? I left while I was asleep, it was the first time I traveled."
She smiles and laughs, "That is exactly what happened to me, except I was awake just thinking about home and Gam-aw."
She gets serious suddenly and places her hand on my arm, "Just be careful okay, with the Sara thing."
I smile, "I will."
She stands and looks back at me, "This is it then, we are going to have to avoid each other."
I stand and gather her in a hug. I'm not sure how this whole thing will end but I will do everything to keep Ever and I alive. She is after all, my only sister.
Gabbi picked me up this morning and we fell back into our usual routine, just like old times. She wanted to talk about the sea some more and I clearly avoided the subject. She finally settled on updating me with the latest of who was breaking up and who was getting together. I welcomed every bit of gossip she could utter, appreciating this simple existence, I was so recently eager to give up.
I made it to class early, finding my same seat and settled in ready to tackle my least favorite of subjects.
Ugh! World History, oh how I haven't missed you.
Yesterday, everyone welcomed me back and wanted to hear about the colleges I visited. I am so lucky to have a smart grandmother. If we wouldn't have actually gone visiting colleges, I would have been lost with all the questions. Today though, the class fills up and I'm not the news of the day anymore. They've all moved on to someone else.
My ear buds are in and I've been reading missed chapters since I got here. I feel an elbow in my arm so I glance up to find the source. Sasha is motioning for me to take my ear buds out. I pull them out to hear her, " ...and he's looking right at you." I glance to the front of the classroom to find Mr. Griggs staring at me. I wince and look away completely embarrassed. I squirm and sink further into my seat trying to avoid any more unwanted attention.
As he starts to lecture, I notice that someone is sitting in the seat to my left. My heart stops, literally. That seat is just condemned. Nothing good has come from anyone sitting there in this class. I'm scared to death to look. I have to know though. I turn my head slightly and my eyes meet the unmistakable green that I know so well, Alex. He glares at me angrily and looks away. Okay so maybe I'm not at the top of his favorite people list. Ugh, this is probably not so good that he's chasing me down.
Class drones on forever. With every minute that passes, I am more and more uncomfortable. I know he's going to corner me after class. I just don't know what I'm going to say. I steel another glance his way, this time his eyes have a softness in them, and that familiar flutter roams through my belly. I look straight ahead. Why in the world can't I get my life together?
The bell rings. I get up and gather my things, noticing the whole time that Alex is standing there waiting on me. Maybe if I drag it out and make him late, he'll leave without me. Fat chance. I pull my backpack over my shoulder but he stops me and effortlessly grabs the strap, placing it on his arm next to his bag. Ugh, now I definitely can't run. I look over and he gestures for me to walk in front of him.
Once we're in the hall I feel his hand under my elbow, guiding me out the doors toward the parking lot. My heart speeds up at his touch. We pass many of my friends but they don't give us a second thought. I wonder if this is it. Will he demand I go right back to the sea? That thought hurts a little, I don't think I'm ready to go back.
His hand stays under my arm steering us to a black pickup truck, a few rows from the door. Once we're next to the truck he drops our bags, turns me so that my back is against the truck, and rests his hands above my shoulders against the warm, black metal.
He lets out a deep breath as if he's been holding it in, "Ever, don't do that to me again." His voice is pained at the last word. I glance into his eyes, so much hurt. Without thinking, my hand goes up and rests on his cheek. He leans in so that his lips are an inch from mine. I close my eyes, knowing this is wrong but needing to feel something. His breath hitches but he doesn't move any closer. I open my eyes and he's still right there. I close the gap. My lips graze his gently. A feeling rises up like none I've felt. Not the intense need or tingle I feel with Jack. A soothing feeling, a calmness that I welcome. His lips explore mine. It lasts only a few seconds and he pulls away searching my eyes. My head screams at me,
Ever, this is wrong, what are you thinking?
I glance past his shoulder and rest my hands on his chest pushing gently. He understands, backing away, running his hand through his hair, staring at me with that same pained, but intense expression. I look away and sink to the ground. My energy is now gone, one class...I made it to one class and already, I've lost it. He slides down next to me. Hesitantly, he places my hand in his and squeezes. I squeeze back but continue to focus on the ground in front of me.
He quietly tells me, "I was so worried. I thought maybe you went to the Erebus."
I shake my head and look over at him squeezing his hand again, "Alex, I wouldn't do that. I just..." I look away and glance in front of me again, "I needed to see my family. I'm not ready to go back."
I decide not to look at him. I know what I'll see if I do, that same sorrowful expression. We sit in silence for a long time. His thumb rubs my hand soothingly. It seems to work, that same calm falls upon me and things don't seem so impossible for the moment.
After a while, he gets up and pulls me up by my hands. His hands move to my shoulders so I have no choice but to look up at him.
"Ever, Seamus gave his approval for you to stay here and finish the year. He thought finishing high school would be good for you." He opens his mouth as if to add more but slowly closes it.
I ask the first thing that pops into my head without thinking, "What about you? Are you going back?" I chide myself for that.
What? Why would I ask that, now he's going to think I want him to stay
.
Do I want him to stay? Part of me does. I don't feel so alone with him around. He seems to understand things that no one else does. The other part of me thinks him staying is a very bad idea. The kiss, that was just...so nice...but wrong. He might get the wrong idea.
Do I have feelings for Alex? I glance up at him. He has a confused look on his face as if waiting for me.
I snap out of my inner conflict, "Umm, sorry did you say something?"
"I asked you if you
want
me to stay." His grin spreads and I can feel heat pulsing through my face, it must be so red. Ugh.
"I guess that is really up to you." There a nice and diplomatic answer.
He shakes his head, "You aren't going to answer me are you?"
"I did answer you, it's not up to me if you stay."
He seems to surrender the inquisition, thank god. "I'm staying, Seamus wanted me to take the role of guardian while you're here."
How is it that just one word can put you into a downward spiral? He said the word guardian and that did it. My heart just twisted a little bit more.
"Ever, are you okay?"
I nod trying to get a grip.
He asks, "Do you want to try school some more?"
Yes, school is a good idea. No possibility for more kisses there. Something, to keep my mind off of guardians and kisses. I reach down to grab my bag but he beats me to it and shoulders both bags, letting me lead the way.
***
When I walk through the doors to the lunch room, the first thing I notice is Alex at
my
table, with
my
friends. My friends know of him, a little, just from Julia's party in January when I got myself into trouble. He kind of rescued me from myself, I drank too much, and Jason Varner, he tried to get to know me better. Other than that, they don't really know him and here he is making himself right at home. My brain screams at me,
you kissed him, what did you expect?
I take a deep breath and aim for the table. A spot on the other side of Gabbi, opposite of Reggie, catches my eye. I feel someone's eyes boring into me so I glance around and meet Sara's. She is sitting to the right of James, across the room. That same death glare from the parking lot. I look over at my brother and he is deep in conversation with Davis, his friend from his band. I look back over toward Sara but my eyes land on their interlocked hands on the table. I look back at Sara and she's glaring daggers. What is this chick's problem?
I look away and concentrate on the table I'm approaching. Alex gets up as I approach. I steer clear of him and settle next to Gabbi.
She looks over with her contagious grin, "Hey girl, how are you?"
I look across the table and catch Alex staring at me sadly. Okay so how am I? The jury is still out on that one.
I trying my acting skills once more, "I'm good. Yep, good." trying to reassure myself and her.
She grabs my hand and squeezes, "Yep, we're both good." We both smile.
Sara gets up from the lunch table we're sitting at and releases my hand. I glance over with a questioning look. She bends over and whispers in my ear, "I have to um...go... I'll be right back." I nod at her and look at her more closely. She suddenly seems nervous.
I watch as she walks toward the door leading to the hall. The last twelve hours have been unbelievable to say the least. After I came home last night, I found Sara waiting for me, sitting on the bench swing on our front porch. She was upset so we took a walk down the street which was good, because I knew Ever was on her way back from the park.