Read Barely Breathing (Just Breathe) Online
Authors: Heather Allen
I'm swimming and actually winded. I've never been winded in the sea before. This thought occurs to me right before something slams into me. The breath is nearly knocked out of me. I'm gasping for air that I know won't come. I grasp for the sky. I can see it beyond the water. It shines bright blue as the water transforms it with each movement. I'm falling farther away from it, it gets smaller the farther I fall. The darkness devours me. A small voice calls my name, "Ever...then louder, Ever...Swim...Ever"... the last word is choked, "Swim." But I can't, I have no energy. I still grasp for the sky that I suddenly know I will never see again. Warm arms envelope me. I glance back up at the blue I'm familiar with, then toward the green I know is right there.
I wake not really able to breathe. A calmness has fallen over me but I still can't get any air. The calm doesn't last. Panic starts to rise in my stomach. If my dreams tell me anything, it's that something bad is going to happen. Something bad, with Jack. I can't let anything happen to him.
I wonder if I should mention these current dreams to Amber. This is the third one involving Jack and Alex. They were both right there, almost together in my dream, not good. I roll over and pull the pillow over my head. I can't deal with this.
I am suddenly homesick. Amber is great but she isn't my Gabbi
.
I head out to eat, not sure what I should do. Amber is in the kitchen when I swim in. When I see her, I decide now isn't the time.
"Hey, how did you sleep?"
"Alright I guess, you?"
She takes a drink of water, "Good, are you going with Alex today?"
He told me yesterday when he left me here that he would be back today. He told me that we need to find other things I'm good at. I avoided talking about it. I have no desire to fight with anything else. I like the bow and arrow and that'll do as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure he left frustrated with me. What's new?
"Yeah, he said he'd be back. I guess."
"You seem a little down, are you okay Ever?"
I glance over, grab an apple, and nod, "Just thinking a lot, I'm good."
She doesn't push, she knows better.
I get up from the table and go to wait for Alex in the front room. The more I think about my dreams, the more I feel like I need to go home. I really need to see Gabbi. I think about asking Alex if it's okay for me to go back, just to see my parents, but he almost lost it with me yesterday when he was trying to remind me about my obligations here. Maybe I should just 'travel' home. But they will think I abandoned them or went to the Erebus.
I like spending time with Alex. He is very patient and tells me pretty much what I want to know. Jack was always so evasive. Ugh, why am I even comparing them? There is no comparison. Jack, yes, he definitely has my heart.
I do feel like I need to get away for a little while though. My poor Gam-aw. While I've been galavanting around down here, she's been covering for me with my parents. That is so not fair to an eighty year old. She has other things to worry about.
I remember the last time I traveled to her apartment in Chicago. She didn't know I made the choice to come to the sea and I ended up in her bathtub with my fin. It was the first time I' traveled' and pretty funny now that I think about it. I must have looked ridiculous. I miss her too. My heart aches for everyone on land. I close my eyes and put my head in my arms to rest a minute and try to clear my mind.
***
I realize after a minute, my skin is drying and I'm breathing air and not water. Oh no, I panic and look up quickly. I'm in the tub again.
Crap!
I hear a noise coming from the other room then a voice, "Ever, is that you?"
I look down, I still have a fin. I close my eyes and think, legs, legs, legs.
When I open them, my legs are back and Gam-aw is leaning against the doorframe, major de ja' vu. She is covered in baby blue leggings and a purple T-shirt that has a depiction of E.T. with the caption, 'E.T phone home'.
How appropriate for my current situation.
"I was wondering when you would make an appearance." A wide smile spreads across her face and her eyes crinkle. I scurry out of the tub and hug her as hard as I can.
"Careful there, Ever, I'm not as tough as I used to be." I smile just so happy to see her.
My hug softens, "Gam-aw, I missed you so much."
"I missed you too. I was wondering how long I was going to have to ward off your parents."
I wince, "I'm sorry about that..."
Panic starts to take away my happy feelings, no one knows where I went. Alex is going to be so hurt.
Gam-aw takes my cheeks in her hands, "Hey, what was that, are you okay?"
I shake my head and head for the kitchen. I need to sit down. She follows me in and drapes a towel around my shoulders.
"Gam-aw, I didn't leave on purpose, I was just missing you and I kind of ended up here."
She laughs, "You have plenty of time to master this 'travel' thing. I never had it, I can only imagine how difficult it is."
I shake my head again, "The problem is more that no one knows I left. I didn't tell anyone."
I break down, tears run down my cheeks. All the emotions from everything rush at me. My tears turn to sobs. I can't catch my breath again. Gam-aw moves her chair next to mine and rubs my back.
She doesn't say anything, she just keeps rubbing.
It all comes pouring out of me, literally. My sobs continue. Each time I try to catch my breath, more tears come.
She soothes after a while, "It's alright honey, don't hold it back. You need to let it all out."
***
I wake with a start and sit up completely disoriented. I glance around the yellow room. The sunlight is seeping through the blinds making the room even brighter. I remember, I 'traveled' here to Gam-aw's apartment in Chicago. I collapse back into the bed and move my arm to cover my eyes
. I'm definitely not feeling this bright and shiny room at the moment.
Alex is going to be so upset. Actually I'm sure he already is, I've been gone for a while now.
Last night when I finally calmed down, I filled my Gam-aw in on Jack's betrayal and how I ended up with the Lior. She didn't seem quite as upset as I thought she'd be since Jack is with Jaspen now, her ex. She seemed more concerned about me which of course brought more waterworks. I think I finally cried myself into exhaustion and ended up falling asleep. Oh, no dream last night. Well, at least something good came out of this. I sigh, what am I going to do? I can't go back right now, no... I can, I just don't want to. I want to see Gabbi and my parents.
I hear a gentle knock on the door, "Come in."
Gam-aw walks in and sits on the edge of the bed. I sit up and give her a small smile.
"Are you feeling better today?"
I nod apprehensively, "A little."
She glances at her hands and back at me, "I think we need to talk about this college thing. You are going to have to go back and you need to have a story for your parents."
My heart sinks when she mentions that I have to go back to the sea. There's nothing there for me.
"Ever, you do know you have to go back, don't you?"
I look into her eyes and the tears start again but I nod afraid my voice will give away how I really feel.
Like
my emotions, haven't done that, already.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry, I wish I could take it all away."
I put my hand on her hand and squeeze letting her know I know this already. I wipe my tears and take a deep breath, silently telling myself,
commit and deal, commit and deal.
"Gam-aw, I think I need a shower and some real clothes." I try the best smile I can muster.
She winks, "I went and bought some stuff for you, I had a feeling you'd come here."
I head for the bathroom. Before I leave the room she calls after me, "Ever."
I turn.
"You do remember that I told you things would get worse before they get better?"
I nod remembering that she told me that right after I decided to become a mermaid, before I followed Jack.
"This is some of the bad honey, but I promise the good will come, you just have to make it through."
I run back and hug her, I love my Gam-aw. I just hate all this stupid crying.
Sleep didn't happen last night. I tossed and turned all night. That thing with Sara yesterday completely threw me. She is so nice on the eyes. This has never happened before. Usually I hook up with a girl and that's it, I don't think about her again. But I didn't even kiss Sara and I can't get her out of my head.
***
My feet barely make it off the steps on the way to Garrett's car. I open the door.
"Hey man, What's wrong with you?"
I mumble and pull my hood over my head, "Didn't sleep well."
I put my ear buds in and turn my music up. The last thing I need this morning is any shit from Garrett.
***
I end up falling asleep during my first class which earned me a detention after school.
Great.
So I skip second and walk across the street to the park, intending to take a nap for a little while. The bench isn't the most comfortable, but I know no one will bother me. Especially now that Ever isn't around. She and Gabbi always meet there between classes or whatever it is that girls do. I just need an hour to feel better. I doze off thinking about the sea.
***
"James. James." I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder, rolling over.
"James, I missed you in class today."
I glance over trying to focus.
Sara.
I rub my eyes and sit up.
"Hey, how...how are you?"
She giggles, "Really, I should be the one asking you that."
I pat the bench beside me, "What time is it anyway?"
She sits next to me and takes out her phone, "11:30, we have officially missed the start of fourth period."
I shrug my shoulders, today is a lost cause as far as I'm concerned.
She shifts like she's uncomfortable. I glance over at her and she's looking at her hands fidgeting.
I smirk,
she's nervous around me
.
Then, she takes me completely by surprise, "James, You and me...we are not a good thing."
She looks up at me. Her eyes are so sad.
I shake my head. There isn't a, her and me, yet. Obviously, she must not be interested. Maybe the impression I got from her yesterday was wrong. Usually I can read girls pretty well. I decide to play it off.
If she's not interested it's fine, I'll get over it.
"I think maybe you got the wrong impression, there isn't a, you and me."
This is harder than I thought.
I look away and add, "You're just here watching over me to make sure I don't get into trouble anyway. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."
I look back at her and she looks hurt but says, "You know... that is exactly why I am here."
She gets up and starts to walk toward school but turns around and claims, "And sitting here skipping class isn't helping your cause."
She turns on her heel and doesn't glance back again. I watch her go.
What the hell was that? She's the one that basically told me she wasn't interested. Girls suck!
***
I made it to lunch. I looked for her in the lunch room but she wasn't there. Jessica came on to me again and I let her. I needed something to keep my mind off of Sara. She completely threw me.
I let Garrett know about my detention and text my mom about a ride home. This is only going to extend my current punishment with my parents. I text Sara to let her know that I won't be home after school. I wouldn't want her to show up with no one there. She doesn't respond. I didn't really expect a response though. I'm not even sure if I'll see her again. I was a pretty big jerk.
***
Detention sucks but what sucks worse is the look my mom gives me when I get in the car after.
She lays into me as soon as I close the door, "James I thought we were past all this rebellion stuff. I mean you lost the band, you can't go anywhere. What is there left to take away to get through to you?"