Read Barely Breathing (Just Breathe) Online
Authors: Heather Allen
I glance at my watch, "It's almost time for me to go, will you be alright finding the bar?"
She smirks, "You know if mom found out you are playing at a bar..."
I laugh, "Well, what's just one more secret, I mean a bar is nothing in comparison to everything else, right?"
She nods preoccupied again. She gets up suddenly, "I'll see you later, good luck."
I smile as she leaves my room. The last thing I would ever want to do, would be to fight my sister. We finally have some sort of relationship. I push it away and bound for the jeep to head out.
The ride to the bar is awkward silence. I'm still cringing at the embarrassment my mother put me through.
Alex picked me up and met my mom for the first time. She of course, couldn't be any more obvious with her happiness. She made a comment right in front of Alex that she is glad that I'm dating again. Alex seemed uncomfortable the whole time. I just wanted to go find that rock and crawl under it.
Ten minutes down the road he breaks the silence, "Your mom was really nice."
I gape at him, "Yes, but completely embarrassing."
He chuckles, "Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?"
I shrug my shoulders. He gently grabs my hand and glances in my direction quickly before looking forward.
"Ever, this doesn't have to be a date if you don't want it to be." I squirm uncomfortably and slide my hand away. He sighs sadly and it seems to echo through the car.
Why does he even like me? There's nothing special about me. I can't even make a choice and stick with it
. I was in James' room tonight telling him how I don't think I can go through with this whole thing. I can feel myself sinking again into that familiar fog. I want to welcome it. I just decide not to deal when I'm down. It sounds so appealing right now.
Alex brings me back from my self-destructing thoughts, "Friends then?"
I glance over to see a hopeful look on his face. My heart flutters, how can this beautiful person want anything to do with me?
I smile cautiously, "Yes, definitely friends."
We pull up to the bar and the parking lot is already filled. Alex glances around, "This is good for the band, right?" I nod thinking that the band won't even matter pretty soon because my poor brother is destined for the same stupid fate, and it's all my fault.
Alex walks around the truck and opens my door for me, helping me down. His hand lingers on mine a few seconds longer, then he pulls away. He looks down at me sweetly. There goes that flutter again. I start walking to the door trying to ignore my body betraying me.
The sign above the door has a wooden, aged look. In old English writing, the name 'McGinty's Bar' is splayed across it.
As we enter the bar, I notice a group from school sitting at a wooden table as close to the stage as you can get. Gabbi and Reggie are there. She waves me over. We approach the table and find two seats at the farthest end. There's only about ten of us here from school. It is a bar after all and you have to be eighteen to even get in. I glance around and notice James with Garrett and Davis setting up on the stage. Between the stage and our table is a dance floor with the bar to the left of it and a hallway to the bathrooms on the right. My parents would kill us if they knew we were here. I look down the table and notice Sara sitting to the left of Gabbi and they are deep in conversation. My curiosity perks at that. I wonder if Gabbi knows Sara is from the sea.
Probably feeling my eyes on her, Gabbi looks up at me, "Hey girl, are you ready for some dancing?"
A frown cements itself to my face and I shake my head, "No, no dancing for me."
Sara and Gabbi both giggle and Gabbi tells me, "Oh, we'll see about that."
That's what she thinks. A few minutes later I hear my brothers voice, "Hey McGinty's, we're glad to be here. We are Allgood. I'm James, this is Garrett and over here is Davis." I glance over and see him totally in his element.
The crowd starts cheering them on. James starts strumming his guitar. Garrett joins on the drums and Davis plays bass. Then his voice starts coming through the speakers, clear and bluesy. I never get tired of hearing the band. They sound so much older than they are. My heart sinks for them once again as I think about how James has to give this up.
Alex must see my mood shift. He grabs my hand again. I look up and meet those perfect green eyes. They sparkle with hope. I know what he's thinking. My stomach starts fluttering again. Before I can pull my hand out of his, he's standing up pulling me with him. I start to shake my head but he keeps his grasp. I glance toward the dance floor that is filling up fast. I notice Gabbi and Reggie already out there. My eyes meet Alex's again and I sigh taking a step closer to him. His arms wrap around my waist and we start to sway. My brother's voice seems to hypnotize me. I let the music take over and we dance for a number of songs. Alex is not a bad dancer for being what he is. We find a comfortable groove and dance for a good part of the night. By the time he pulls me to the table for a soda, my shirt is sticking to my skin and I'm almost out of breath.
I collapse into a chair, catching a glimpse of Alex as he sits down. He really is so beautiful. He's such a good person. While I'm admiring him, I don't notice someone in the seat to my left. A hand taps me on my shoulder so I look over and see Julia. Ugh Julia, she's not eighteen yet, I wonder how she got in. My eyebrows go up questioning her.
She leans over and snidely remarks, "Well, you sure moved on fast. What's that three this year alone? First Michael, then what's his name, oh yeah Jack, and now this one. If it were me, I would have held onto that middle one, he seemed the most promising." She sits back in her chair crossing her arms across her chest glaring at me.
Tears well in my eyes, at the mention of Jack's name. Then my heart twists just a little more. I try to take a deep breath.
Don't do this Ever, not here.
I slide my chair back looking at the floor and head for the door. My breathing starts coming in short bursts. I can't get enough air. I'm out the door when the cool night air hits my face. The tears are coming down my cheeks in full force now. I freeze in the middle of the lot not sure where to go. I feel a hand on my arm and turn swinging my fist at whoever has come out to make me feel worse. My eyes meet intense green and Alex catches my hand. All of my energy seems to drain from me and I can barely hold myself up. He notices my knees about to give out and leads me over to his truck. He opens the passenger door and helps me climb in. At this point I'm sobbing. My breathing is ragged and I feel like I'm falling again. I'm ready to let go. He climbs in the driver's side and turns to me. He pulls my body closer to his and holds my cheeks in his hands.
"Ever, you need to breathe. Like this." He takes a deep breath in and blows one out, over and over. I mimic his breathing and after what seems like forever, I have my breathing under control. My sobbing has subsided and now just stray tears are trailing down my face. He places his thumbs on my cheeks wiping the tears away. I hold his gaze and feel a calm wash over me. An intense calm, I lean in and my lips tenderly meet his softly. He pulls away and looks at me with a questioning look. I close my eyes and lean closer to him. He understands without words and grasps my waist pulling me closer. His lips meet mine softly again then more fervent. I open my mouth and welcome his tongue. Our kiss turns more desperate. I put my hand on the back of his head and twirl his hair through my fingers. He pulls away suddenly. When I open my eyes he has a worried look on his face. This seems to break my trance. I'm suddenly very aware of his presence and how close to him, I am. I slide back from him a few inches and look away embarrassed. He puts his finger on my chin and turns my face back to him.
"Ever, you and me, this is what I want. I need you to know that." His gaze is so intense and genuine.
I look away and slide back to latch my seatbelt, furious with myself for leading this wonderful man on. He must understand my embarrassment because I hear the engine start and the car moves to back up. I just want to be alone right now. I'm so ashamed. How could I have let this happen again? I steal a glance over at him and notice the sadness in his face. I did that. I put that sadness there. Sadness for Alex overwhelms me. I grab his hand. He glances down at my fingers on his and looks over at me.
I shake my head and whisper, "I'm so sorry Alex. I'm broken, you don't want me..."
He looks away shaking his head but looks back at me when we stop for a light. Anger flashes through his eyes, "I can't believe he would do this to you." He looks hopeful again, "Ever, you are so amazing. We could be amazing together."
I look away and shake my head as more tears find their way to my eyes. Silence fills the car. I slip out quietly when he pulls into my drive. Before I close the door I tell him, "Thank you, Alex, thank you."
I stroll through the door well past midnight, hoping not to wake my parents. I'm about to enter the bathroom for a well needed shower when I hear a noise coming from my sister's room. I take a step closer and realize she's crying. I push the door quietly open and close it softly behind me whispering, "Ever, hey you okay?"
I find the switch to the lamp on her desk and light replaces the darkness. She's a mess. I can tell she's been crying for a while. He eyes are bloodshot. I cross the room and sit on the edge of her bed.
I ask her worried,"Did Alex do something?"
She frowns up at me and wipes her nose shaking her head.
"No, no, not Alex, he's...so good"
She sniffles, "I just wish...I wish I would have met him first, things...things would have been different."
I look at her a little surprised and ask, "Do you really believe that? I mean if you would have met him first, you would still be in this situation. You would have made the choice for him instead of Jack."
She catches her breath and looks around but lands her gaze on mine.
She almost pleads her next statement, "But I would be able to be with Alex, I wouldn't be broken and my heart wouldn't be ruined."
This is the most Ever has said to me about what happened between her and Jack. I realize this is big for her and decide to stay silent in case she wants to elaborate.
She lets out a deep breath, "James he was everything. I loved him, God, I still love him. It was all just a lie but... for me... it was so real."
I hurt for my sister. I can't imagine what she is going through but my anger for Jack surfaces. I'm glad I didn't know about this when I saw him because he probably wouldn't be living right now.
All this crying must have really gotten to her, her eyes are starting to droop. She drops her head on her pillow and drifts before I can respond...
Her eyes pop open once as I'm about to get up and she tells me, "James, he is so good, what does he see in me?"
Before I can answer, her eyes have closed again and her breathing has evened out. I get up and turn off the light. A thought occurs to me, Jack may be on the same side as me but accidents do happen.
***
The Friday morning after our bar gig, has everyone at school running around like crazy people. The reason, prom, that terrible thing that I wish was never invented. I, of course am only a junior so I don't have to worry about it this year, or so I thought. Sara is a senior, or pretends to be. When she got wind of this overly publicized rite of passage, she turned into a typical girl. Here, I thought she was different from all the rest.
Ever decided if she had to deal with it, she would share her misery. It backfired on her. Sara was ecstatic about the whole fiasco and came over when she found out about it, to ask me if I would take her. I told her of course I would take her, silently cursing my sister. Gabbi made a huge stink about shopping so they spent the entire week getting everything ready.
As soon as I pulled into a spot today, Gabbi and Sara were pulling Ever out of the jeep giggling and whispering about dresses and make-up. I hiked my backpack up my shoulder and turned the other way. They won't want anything to do with me until tomorrow when all of their planning comes to fruition.
As I walk through the doors on my way to my first class, I run into Alex. He pats me on the back, "Hey James, how are you?"
I glare at him, "You're the one to blame for this." I point behind me as the girls enter the hall laughing.
He looks back at me, "Really, you think it was me, Gabbi would have gotten to her, if I hadn't."
I just shake my head, look at the floor and head to class. It's true but it doesn't make it any better.
***